Drseussgrrl Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Gee, I don't know who you people associate with but the majority of my friends are happily married, welcoming babies into the world and building beautiful homes together. I can name maybe 2 or 3 who have gone through a divorce, and maybe only one who said it was a huge mistake to have ever gotten married in the first place. I wholeheartedly believe in marriage, want it for myself, and I come from a broken home. To say you'll never get married comes from a place of fear, in my opinion, not practicality.
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Our situation is different because I have two kids. He has no children but wants at least one. I don't believe he has commitment issues, because he's has several long term relationships, all which had lasted years...including one that he was engaged to. His parents (from what I'm told) had a happy marriage. His dad passed about 7 years ago. Having a relationship and not having any kids is a deal breaker for him though. So at some point I have to decide if I'm ok with having any more kids, or if we should end it. I'm not opposed to having one more child, but I have to be certain it's the right guy. And I suppose I would like to be married to that guy. But not getting married again is NOT a deal breaker for me. I just feel like if I'm going to have a kid with him (eventually), that we should have some sort of a commitment. Living together might just be the only type of commitment that would work. I've had several long-term relationships, and have commitment issues...It's why I've been scared of marriage, engagement is one thing, going up the altar is a whoooole other world speaking for myself. I've said all the things everyone else has above, in the same exact mentality, I know where they are coming from, and in fact I've asked a lot of men their experiences as well to get feedback...It's been difficult for me to accept "forever", I'd rather jump into fire covered in gas...It would be much easier for me, but I've combated a lot of my issues, accepted a lot of my faults and irrational fears...It's something I'm trying to help other people in the event they were like me, an extremist of anti-marriage. I'm not big on denial these days, I ask myself every question honestly and openly nowadays because I want to be truthful to myself. You have to communicate with him where these fears come from, and why he was engaged in the first place if he was so opposed to it, and what in that relationship may have caused him to feel that way. I'm not even scratching the surface of what I know about this, I think it's just too deep for this forum, but that's why I've posted so many times here, it's something that I've fought for a long time in my relationships...I was always the guy to mock my married friends the hardest...but out of good taste, they were my friends after all...deep inside it's something I wanted, I just didn't want to want it...I didn't want to be hurt, taken advantage of or feel like i failed at it...I also wasn't anywhere near ready to commit to someone seriously even though my relationships were long-term, I still wasn't ready...I had that duality of loving and hating commitment. Communicate and talk about expectations and come to a compromise, if your relationship is solid and since you've already been married and do not deny it otherwise, you should be able to overcome this....but you really should try and take your communication to the next level, these are things I believe you need to be able to talk about regardless...the more you express and talk about in relationships the closer you become, even if at first it seems like a bad or scary thing, you shouldn't be fearful of talking about this kind of thing with him...he may not end up being your husband but he'll still be the farther of your child, and that's worth getting to know him on a deeper level.
Author jlindemann Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 Gee, I don't know who you people associate with but the majority of my friends are happily married, welcoming babies into the world and building beautiful homes together. I can name maybe 2 or 3 who have gone through a divorce, and maybe only one who said it was a huge mistake to have ever gotten married in the first place. I wholeheartedly believe in marriage, want it for myself, and I come from a broken home. To say you'll never get married comes from a place of fear, in my opinion, not practicality. I got married for ALL of the wrong reasons. It really was a ticking time bomb against us. We were 19 when we first met, and got pregnant after 6 months. Both of our families made us feel awful that we had a baby and weren't married. We moved in together and decided that we have to also get married. We were SO young and hadn't even experienced life yet. We both grew so much in our 20's and just grew apart. I was turning into someone I didn't want to be. I honestly gave effort to try and save it, because I knew it was the right thing to do. I eventually started to resent him for a lot of our problems. We were married for 9 years. A few years into the marriage we began to have a lot of problems. I gave an honest effort for 3-4 years to try and fix things and make it better. But I knew it wasn't going to get any better. So I decided to end it. But I did try, and I know I gave a good effort. So I felt at peace with my decision. Now I feel like if I ever get married again, I'm more prepared. I'm in my early 30's and feel like I know what I want out of life. I feel like if I ever did get married again, the chances of it being successful would be much higher, because I know what I want for my future. I'm older than I was and have more life experience. 1
Drseussgrrl Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I got married for ALL of the wrong reasons. It really was a ticking time bomb against us. We were 19 when we first met, and got pregnant after 6 months. Both of our families made us feel awful that we had a baby and weren't married. We moved in together and decided that we have to also get married. We were SO young and hadn't even experienced life yet. We both grew so much in our 20's and just grew apart. I was turning into someone I didn't want to be. I honestly gave effort to try and save it, because I knew it was the right thing to do. I eventually started to resent him for a lot of our problems. We were married for 9 years. A few years into the marriage we began to have a lot of problems. I gave an honest effort for 3-4 years to try and fix things and make it better. But I knew it wasn't going to get any better. So I decided to end it. But I did try, and I know I gave a good effort. So I felt at peace with my decision. Now I feel like if I ever get married again, I'm more prepared. I'm in my early 30's and feel like I know what I want out of life. I feel like if I ever did get married again, the chances of it being successful would be much higher, because I know what I want for my future. I'm older than I was and have more life experience. I always cringe when I hear of a young couple faced with an unplanned pregnancy being guilted into marriage - as was the case with my folks and it was a huge disaster. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you. Like you, I'm in my early 30's and have accomplished the majority of what I've wanted to in life as a single person and feel that I have the tools and resources to bring into a successful marriage. I'm glad I waited. I'm not nearly the same person at 22 as I was at 32. Heck even my "type" has completely changed in that time frame.
Author jlindemann Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 Well now I am really screwed when it comes to dating because the OP's post is an example of how even if I meet a woman who initially agrees with my views about marriage there is a good chance she is going to end up wanting marriage if things go well in our relationship for the next 2-3 years. I never want to get married and there is nothing that any woman can do to change my mind. It would take a miracle from God but I would do my best even to fight God on this one. My best bet is just date women who are not in love with me. Those are the only ones who don't want marriage. It really depends. I might want marriage again...but i've said it's NOT a deal breaker. So yeah, I might change my mind and decide I would want to get married. But I don't feel like I HAVE to get married to justify my relationship. So my views might change...but I'm willing to accept what he wants and not willing to break up over the fact that we may never get married.
ImperfectionisBeauty Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 That's why the term baby mama was coined because all of these unwed mothers eventually married their child's father. No, I mean like if you're dating someone for a while and you happen to fall pregnant I think it is like just more incentive to get married faster. I was watch Snooki and JWoww's show and JWoww is trying everything to hint to Tom to get engaged and she's like 27 or something so of course she should hurry a little, Snooki unexpectedly got pregnant and then engaged.
Drseussgrrl Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 No, I mean like if you're dating someone for a while and you happen to fall pregnant I think it is like just more incentive to get married faster. I was watch Snooki and JWoww's show and JWoww is trying everything to hint to Tom to get engaged and she's like 27 or something so of course she should hurry a little, Snooki unexpectedly got pregnant and then engaged. IIB, there is so much wrong with this post I don't even know where to begin. 1
ImperfectionisBeauty Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 IIB, there is so much wrong with this post I don't even know where to begin. I know I shouldn't look at Snooki and JWoww as an example of how my life should be but I watched it at like 3 before I went to sleep and it stuck lol I'm not saying trick a guy but I don't intend on dating someone for years with no intent to have some kind of commitment... And guys are hard as **** to come by so if opportunity knocks...
Keenly Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I think this topic and many like it are complete bs. People don't know how to accept differing opinions . Here we have the question of do you ever want to get married, and if you say you don't do you mean it. We give our opinions and we have people treating us like we are wrong for not wanting to get married. Some one said something along the lines of " well of you love her and she wanted to get married wouldn't you compromise ?". To which I respond there is no such thing as compromise. What exactly would she be giving up in that scenario? Nothing. People nowadays are confusing compromise with caving . My ex always used to say " let's compromise and do this " but didn't understand that a compromise was two people giving up something, it's not one person caving to the demand of another. If I found a woman and we were both truly and completely 100% in love, she would be smart enough to know not to pressure me to do something I didn't want to do ... That's selfish. If I decide to marry her, it will be on my own time, at my own pace.
Author jlindemann Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 IIB, there is so much wrong with this post I don't even know where to begin. I agree!!! I would never get pregnant just so that I can get engaged. I also already have two kids, therefore having another would require a lot of thought and preparation on my part. Having a child is a lifetime commitment to the CHILD, it doesn't mean you have a happily ever after with the father. Having a baby should never be used as a manipulation tactic to keep the father.
ImperfectionisBeauty Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Since you like MTV have you ever watched those pregnant teen reality programs? How many of the mothers in those are married or getting married? They are trash.. But quite a few have gotten married.. It just goes to prove there's no justice in the world
Author jlindemann Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 I think this topic and many like it are complete bs. People don't know how to accept differing opinions . Here we have the question of do you ever want to get married, and if you say you don't do you mean it. We give our opinions and we have people treating us like we are wrong for not wanting to get married. Some one said something along the lines of " well of you love her and she wanted to get married wouldn't you compromise ?". To which I respond there is no such thing as compromise. What exactly would she be giving up in that scenario? Nothing. People nowadays are confusing compromise with caving . My ex always used to say " let's compromise and do this " but didn't understand that a compromise was two people giving up something, it's not one person caving to the demand of another. If I found a woman and we were both truly and completely 100% in love, she would be smart enough to know not to pressure me to do something I didn't want to do ... That's selfish. If I decide to marry her, it will be on my own time, at my own pace. I understand where you're coming from, but I think you completely misunderstood my question.
ImperfectionisBeauty Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I agree!!! I would never get pregnant just so that I can get engaged. I also already have two kids, therefore having another would require a lot of thought and preparation on my part. Having a child is a lifetime commitment to the CHILD, it doesn't mean you have a happily ever after with the father. Having a baby should never be used as a manipulation tactic to keep the father. I guess I can understand that, since you have kids already so its not like your time is ticking away or anything. I guess in the case if he says he doesn't want marriage make it a deal breaker
ImperfectionisBeauty Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Get knocked up? You should weigh your options.. The guys I know (with the exception of a few) actually make the effort to be with their kids mom. Most of the time it is the mom who screws everything up
Author jlindemann Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 You should weigh your options.. The guys I know (with the exception of a few) actually make the effort to be with their kids mom. Most of the time it is the mom who screws everything up My boyfriend says that there should never be "single" mothers, and if I ever got pregnant with his baby, I should not have to raise it alone. However, he believes we should just live together, and be happy together that way. We don't need marriage to show that we're together "forever". I do understand that.
Author jlindemann Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 And my post a few pages ago shows that getting married just because you have kids doesn't always mean it's the right thing to do.
ImperfectionisBeauty Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Your mindset leaves you very open to being used. So that explains it..! I just think that once you hit a certain age and a certain amount of time with someone you need to be engaged or get pregnant who hurry the process. My personal limit is 2 and a half years of dating. By then you should be talking seriously about engagement and marriage and babies
Drseussgrrl Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 So that explains it..! I just think that once you hit a certain age and a certain amount of time with someone you need to be engaged or get pregnant who hurry the process. My personal limit is 2 and a half years of dating. By then you should be talking seriously about engagement and marriage and babies You should never use a baby as "leverage" to further your own agenda to lock a man into marrying you. Don't you want a man to marry you because he WANTS to? Men have a choice here too, ya know.
ImperfectionisBeauty Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 You should never use a baby as "leverage" to further your own agenda to lock a man into marrying you. Don't you want a man to marry you because he WANTS to? Men have a choice here too, ya know. But guys aren't fast movers and some of us don't have a lot of time to wait you know? I just know so many men who eventually marry their kids mom... Idk its a last ditch effort if nothing else works I guess
Drseussgrrl Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 But guys aren't fast movers and some of us don't have a lot of time to wait you know? I just know so many men who eventually marry their kids mom... Idk its a last ditch effort if nothing else works I guess I know plenty of men who got married within a year of meeting a girl because he was just that nuts about her. Plenty. 1
Author jlindemann Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 But guys aren't fast movers and some of us don't have a lot of time to wait you know? I just know so many men who eventually marry their kids mom... Idk its a last ditch effort if nothing else works I guess No, no, no A baby is not for manipulation against someone else That baby is a person. Never have a baby unless you're financially and emotionally ready to take care of it by yourself. Ever. That doesn't mean that you will have to...but you have to be prepared for that possibility. 1
ImperfectionisBeauty Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I know plenty of men who got married within a year of meeting a girl because he was just that nuts about her. Plenty. They are the lucky ones
Keenly Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 But guys aren't fast movers and some of us don't have a lot of time to wait you know? I just know so many men who eventually marry their kids mom... Idk its a last ditch effort if nothing else works I guess You sound like a psychopath any woman who would use a baby to further her marriage agenda is insane, and I would leave her very quickly.
Drseussgrrl Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 You sound like a psychopath any woman who would use a baby to further her marriage agenda is insane, and I would leave her very quickly. This is why men need to wrap it up, each and every time. IIB if I was dating you and saw what you post here, I'd run far, far away. You seem like the type who would "forget" to take her pill or poke holes in the condoms.
Keenly Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 This is why men need to wrap it up, each and every time. IIB if I was dating you and saw what you post here, I'd run far, far away. You seem like the type who would "forget" to take her pill or poke holes in the condoms. I caught my ex "forgetting" she never forgot one single time in our two year relationship... but towards the end, she would not take weeks worth at a time. I saw what she was doing, and I was out.
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