when guys say they don't want to be married, are they 100% serious?

[jlindemann]

Been dating my guy seriously for about 6 months. I was married and I told him a while ago that I never want to get married again. He said he is never getting married (never has been).

 

Now this is definitely not a deal breaker for me, because I thought I was 100% sure that I would never want to be married again. I think I would be ok with staying with someone forever but not complicating it by marriage. And believe me, I'm not wanting this at all right how, but if things keep going great for a few years, I think I might want it.

 

So I'm just wondering if he said it because he thought I would never want it, if he is serious and means it, or if he is serious but would change his views if it felt right.

 

Any guys out there used to say they never want to be married, but then changed? Any guys who have said it and really really meant it?

Edited January 18, 2013 by jlindemann

[tigressA]

When a guy says he doesn't ever want to get married--believe him. Conduct your life as if he will never, ever change his mind. If you have a problem with it, break up. If you don't, stay with him.

 

Simple.

[FitChick]

He may not want to get married now or in the near future but people change. Your choice is deciding how much time and emotion to invest in him now.

[jlindemann]

When a guy says he doesn't ever want to get married--believe him. Conduct your life as if he will never, ever change his mind. If you have a problem with it, break up. If you don't, stay with him.

 

Simple.

 

I figured it was that simple...and I'm ok with that.

 

I'm confused with him though because he was engaged before, but broke it off before they for married. So he either wanted it at some point or was pressured into asking her.

[MrCastle]

25, no plans of having a serious girlfriend, let alone marriage. I can see myself later in life having a longterm partner, but marriage, I don't think so.

[tigressA]

I figured it was that simple...and I'm ok with that.

 

I'm confused with him though because he was engaged before, but broke it off before they for married. So he either wanted it at some point or was pressured into asking her.

 

People are allowed to change their minds about what they want. Regardless of what happened before, he doesn't want to get married now. Take that and run with it.

[Ninjainpajamas]

When men say they don't want to get married, they typically have commitment issues, unless of course they've been married before or had some kind of experience that greatly impacted their previous judgment or perspective of it.

 

In your case, it is typical that a woman who was divorced and likely had experienced something traumatic that experience, would put a twist on her view compared to before or it instilled a fear that understandable for her...however, you obviously had gotten married, and likely by choice so that's a bit different because at least from my experience...with the right man women can change their view on marriage and even having children...it's just something they try not to entertain until that time comes...obviously women are emotional and more in the moment so not many things are set in stone, they usually do exactly what they said they would not at some point or other if they were exactly put in the emotional circumstance.

 

As far a man, it can resonate from his childhood, some other traumatic experienced incurred and damaged by that skewed his view...and sometimes it's just altogether a buffer for a man to claim his independence...men are more worried to be more "available" than attached by nature, compared to women in general...so when you're a young guy, and if you're one of the lucky ones to be successful in dating then you have options, and when men have options they can at times be very deterred from seeing the benefits of a committed relationship. There's a reason that people call it the ole ball and chain and friends can tease their male friends about being hitched, usually that implies the demise of friendships and other personal freedoms that a man has taken away from by "responsibilities" that women seem to often want to be in control of what they determine is important in a relationship.

 

Men in general have the edge and power being single and unattached. Women in general have the advantage once they lock the man down and into a committed relationship, then she feels she can demand and desire more "responsibility" and investment from a man, as long as a whole slew of other perspectives. For men, they hope things tend to stay the same, but women often times "tolerate" situations because they are in the now, hoping things one point will be more the way she desires them.

 

This is a very general and broad stroke to how the typical perspective can be from the point of your boyfriend, the important thing is really...as it has always been...communication. However expecting him to change his mind out of thin air, is a practice used by women but often leads them to be "confused", not because they actually did anything to ask and find out, but because they are hopeful, become more emotionally attached and that just means well "maybe things will get better one day"...but remember to live with the man you are in, in the present...stop projecting into the future, find out where he stands now....I have no idea why people bank on people "changing", people don't change a lot, maybe he just has a general fear or wants to wait till later in life at some point, but how can you just make that "prediction", how do you even justify that opinion? that's what frustrates me A LOT about women, they do so much internal sorting but hardly express themselves out of fear of pushing a guy away or scaring him off...even if he's the "wrong" guy. They just want to make it last as long as they can....to give it a "chance"...then they cry about it being a waste of time and not working out because low and behold, the guy was actually being serious and didn't change...what a surprise.

 

So yes, I'd take him 100 percent serious...and I'm sure you'll want marriage some day, personally I don't take women seriously in what they say they want, I've seen them contradict themselves completely and just about every time...as far as men though, when they tell you "No" they the vast majority of the time are dead serious about that...men don't lie about negative things, they lie about positive things

[TheZebra]

I don't think there's anything wrong with a guy who doesn't want to get married. There's nothing skewed about that view, and it doesn't mean anything about his past.

 

Marriage is a romantic idea. You're saying you want to be with someone for the rest of your life. Ok, I get it.

 

But marriage just isn't practical. People change, the world changes, everything changes and you're legally tying yourself down to another person with no real economic or legal benefit. It's just not a good contract from a purely objective point of view.

[TheZebra]

25, no plans of having a serious girlfriend, let alone marriage. I can see myself later in life having a longterm partner, but marriage, I don't think so.

 

I was about to say 'Marry me?' but then I realized how hilarious that would be given this thread and your post

[sweetkiwi]

I take men seriously who say they would never be married. Honestly I myself can't even say I would like to be married. Was engaged once. Broke it off for many reasons. One being I was too young and that relationship never wouldve survived marriage.

[thatone]

personally I don't take women seriously in what they say they want, I've seen them contradict themselves completely and just about every time...as far as men though, when they tell you "No" they the vast majority of the time are dead serious about that...men don't lie about negative things, they lie about positive things

 

Including the OP, who is worried about her boyfriend not wanting what she also doesn't want?

 

Usually safe to ignore what women say they want entirely for this reason.

[ls32ssibm]

I say it as a 24 year old man but I know I'd cave if the "perfect" girl came along.

 

 

 

Then she'll divorce me and take half my stuff, and I'll become an alcoholic. Which is why I say I won't right now.

[Woggle]

Some men are and some aren't. Also some men see the divorce horror stories and it scares the bejesus out of them.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

I feel like you can always change a guys mind... have his baby!

[Keenly]

Well time out here... Just because a man doesn't want to get married does NOT automatically mean he has commitment issues. Personally, I am on the fence about it. The odds are stacked against me. Marriage is hardly advantageous from a guys perspective. You are going up against a 50 PLUS percent divorce rate, where the woman gets half of your stuff / money.

 

The number one thing I have against marriage is as follows : I either love you with all of me or I don't. A piece of paper will change nothing.

[Ninjainpajamas]

It's easy to talk about marriage when you're young and feel like you've got forever to live or you're not or never been "in love" and never really been with anyone long-term and say it's something you're not ever going to consider. Because chances are, whether you like it or not, it's going to come up in your long-term relationship, even if you're both opposed to it.

 

But to have been "in love", to really want to spend your time and share your life with...it's not something you necessarily feel "forced" to do...so if you're willing to consider marriage, what do you think is the main reason you would oppose if you didn't really care anyway? why would you oppose?...people get married for "love", well supposedly and that's their intent...many people marry for the wrong reasons, as well as have kids, but if you are merely considering from an emotional perspective to get married in the first place then why are you viewing marriage objectively if the whole purpose of it is not a "rational" or maybe even "practical" consideration?....or does that mean you'd consider marriage more eagerly if there was some greater monetary/material benefit associated to it that would meet your "objective" requirements? If you were to marry into a rich/prestigious/royal family, would that make more "sense"? If you fell in love with a woman who happened to be religious and only asked you marry for her own comfort but not convert, would you deny her? Or do we still think we can control who we fall for and think we'll fall for the exact people we choose?

 

I can argue both sides of the ball, I have my issues against and for marriage personally...but if you believe so strongly in marriage being useless or pointless and an outdated societal nuisance more than a romantic gesture of commitment and/or faith then what are your reasons for not wanting to get married? have you ever even really thought about it or understand why you would oppose it in the first place?

Gru -"to me, marriage doesn't prove anything, doesn't provide any more happiness, or security - it gives nothing that a good LT relationship can provide..."

 

So what do you give in turn as a gesture of good faith or promise that you are committed in the long run? can't any guy on the street pull the "I don't believe in marriage" card to escape any "trap" into marriage or if marriage doesn't provide anything then what does it take away? what's the difference between being in a relationship than dating then?

 

Is it more about checking those "single" boxes on paperwork, not wearing a ring on your finger that shows the world you are "taken" and feeling like you can't escape the relationship in a drop of a hat in case you feel like doing so...or is it really because you don't believe "in marriage", and if so what is there not to believe in about it? excluding the religious standpoint, because I know lots of people like to pull that card too even though you can be legally wed by a judge.

[CptObvious]

the majority of guys swore to themselves that they'd never get suckered into marriage. The majority of those guys screw up and get married anyway at some point.

 

 

@ninja

 

I don't believe that a man with $15million in assets should lose 7.5million+ to some former unemployed/minimum wage earning skank. The rules aren't fair. That's what I believe in. Then again some will argue that if a man is stupid enough to make a bet like that then he should lose everything. I'm a bit more forgiving. Invest in apple stock and u deserve to lose everything. Invest in a vagina and u deserve to lose 5% tops.

[insertnamehere]

As a man, I don't want to get married because modern marriage is plagued with perverse incentives toward divorce. Who comes out the big time loser in divorce? The man.

 

And, no, prenups do not protect men, so don't even joke about mentioning it.

[Pyro]

If someone says that they don't ever want to marry then take their word for it, but just remember that is what they are feeling at that time. If they commit to someone and things are going good them sometimes feelings can change, but that isn't a guarantee.

 

If you want to stay with him then go for it. He may change his mind but don't hold your breath waiting for it.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I'm there for the woman I'm in a relationship with... that is far more important than being married... IMO

 

I don't cheat, or mess about, I'm there for her and support her.

 

far to many people get married and think they can cheat, abuse, hurt their "loved one"

 

I couldn't care less about what box I tick, rings or escaping....

 

I just don't believe that a marriage and a bit of paper provides anything that a good LT loving relationship can't....

 

do you think it can??? does a bit of paper mean that you would feel your SO won't cheat or hurt you, or fall out of love, or leave?!?

 

what good does a marriage provide?!?!!?

 

 

Yes but it's not just the "piece of paper" that's obviously oversimplifying it, If the woman believes in marriage and you do not then if the value (instilled by her) is in marriage, then what difference does it make to you if you plan on providing a long-lasting fulfilling relationship? isn't part of the relationship compromising and satisfying your partner? Why is there any opposition? If you were truly indifferent then why oppose? What's a "piece of paper" to you right?

 

I don't think a marriage guarantees anything, but it is a gesture that is universally accepted in good faith as a "commitment" in the eyes of the people, the state, worldwide. It's something that validates to others and the world that you perceive your relationship on "that level"...how you define marriage or what you believe it holds is up to you as an individual, but I think it's a scapegoat to say that "I don't want to get married because I don't believe in it".

 

What do you not believe in? why do you care about a piece of paper that changes nothing for you?

 

Why do you object to marriage specifically and personally?

 

Otherwise you're eluding the point, I personally can state exactly what I oppose of an approve of when it comes to marriage. Think of life in itself, isn't the meaning behind something what you make of it, and if so then why does your version of "marriage" have to reflect what other people do or what it means to you and your relationship?

 

the majority of guys swore to themselves that they'd never get suckered into marriage. The majority of those guys screw up and get married anyway at some point.

 

 

@ninja

 

I don't believe that a man with $15million in assets should lose 7.5million+ to some former unemployed/minimum wage earning skank. The rules aren't fair. That's what I believe in. Then again some will argue that if a man is stupid enough to make a bet like that then he should lose everything. I'm a bit more forgiving. Invest in apple stock and u deserve to lose everything. Invest in a vagina and u deserve to lose 5% tops.

 

What if the woman makes more than you? Does the man still get screwed?

 

I understand your point in the argument, and honestly If I had that much money I wouldn't Paul Mccartney it, I'd definitely get a prenup to protect what is mine.

 

But what if let's say you meet a woman you could completely trust...I know that sounds far-fetched, but let's just say you met someone you really did know was a good and genuine woman and didn't have the heart to take "advantage" of you, and let's say you made close to the same amount of income and had no children.

 

Is the situation with marriage...trust?

 

I believe there is a much deeper meaning to why people reject marriage than just what they say on the surface and even though many people may disagree on marriage as a whole, they still have their perspective on it.

 

I already know what most guys say and why they don't, but I think people like to exaggerate stories and other people to turn something into a "fear"...like I'm never doing X because this happened to one guy and I don't want to be him...so yeah I'm not doing it, yet on a grand scale what do you see happening the vast majority of the time?

 

When I look around at divorced couples, sometimes It's the man who got screwed over, sometimes it's the man who made out and the woman bought him this or that to try and make him happy, sometimes she got stuck with the kids and no child support or alimony. Sometimes he got the kids, sometimes nobody took jack crap from each other.

 

Sure there are some guys in there that do get screwed over, by why is it always those guys being talked about and represented, aren't we trying to be non-biased, rational and take in the facts instead of hide behind our fears of a "worse case scenario" that is usually represented by talking about celebrities who actually have real money?

 

Honestly I'm not trying to make an argument here more than I am trying to get thorough explanations from people here, in particular men....I'm trying to give the OP a more in-depth perspective of men who are clearly anti-marriage and why....not just for me, I've been asking men this question a long time.

Edited January 18, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas

[CptSaveAho]

I'm pretty sure if OP's bf told her he didnt want to get married. He doesn't want to get married to her...

 

Having a girlfriend is one thing but with op already having one unsuccessful marriage... the likelyhood of that 2nd one working out is 20%

 

Why would a guy take those odds...

 

I've dating girls that I had no interest in marrying, I knew almost instantly if it would work out long term and there was 1 good one that I let slip away (because I wasnt ready... i was being an idiot... and looking back if i did get married, it would have been toasted by me)...

 

I agree with ninja's post about the guy's stories being the more dominant story of being screwed in the public eye... but if you ask any of those guys deep down today... did they know they were going to get screwed... i bet 90% of them will admit it, that the signs were all there, and they were just being dumb at the time

 

But as a guy in today's world of instant gratification... the odds are truly stacked against us in finding a "GOOD" foxhole partner

[TheZebra]

It's easy to talk about marriage when you're young and feel like you've got forever to live or you're not or never been "in love" and never really been with anyone long-term and say it's something you're not ever going to consider. Because chances are, whether you like it or not, it's going to come up in your long-term relationship, even if you're both opposed to it.

 

But to have been "in love", to really want to spend your time and share your life with...it's not something you necessarily feel "forced" to do...so if you're willing to consider marriage, what do you think is the main reason you would oppose if you didn't really care anyway? why would you oppose?...people get married for "love", well supposedly and that's their intent...many people marry for the wrong reasons, as well as have kids, but if you are merely considering from an emotional perspective to get married in the first place then why are you viewing marriage objectively if the whole purpose of it is not a "rational" or maybe even "practical" consideration?....or does that mean you'd consider marriage more eagerly if there was some greater monetary/material benefit associated to it that would meet your "objective" requirements? If you were to marry into a rich/prestigious/royal family, would that make more "sense"? If you fell in love with a woman who happened to be religious and only asked you marry for her own comfort but not convert, would you deny her? Or do we still think we can control who we fall for and think we'll fall for the exact people we choose?

 

I can argue both sides of the ball, I have my issues against and for marriage personally...but if you believe so strongly in marriage being useless or pointless and an outdated societal nuisance more than a romantic gesture of commitment and/or faith then what are your reasons for not wanting to get married? have you ever even really thought about it or understand why you would oppose it in the first place?

 

Gru -"to me, marriage doesn't prove anything, doesn't provide any more happiness, or security - it gives nothing that a good LT relationship can provide..."

 

So what do you give in turn as a gesture of good faith or promise that you are committed in the long run? can't any guy on the street pull the "I don't believe in marriage" card to escape any "trap" into marriage or if marriage doesn't provide anything then what does it take away? what's the difference between being in a relationship than dating then?

 

Is it more about checking those "single" boxes on paperwork, not wearing a ring on your finger that shows the world you are "taken" and feeling like you can't escape the relationship in a drop of a hat in case you feel like doing so...or is it really because you don't believe "in marriage", and if so what is there not to believe in about it? excluding the religious standpoint, because I know lots of people like to pull that card too even though you can be legally wed by a judge.

 

I very much have been in love and still don't believe in marriage - and I'm a woman. Yes, marriage is not practical, especially for the person who makes more money in the relationship (unless they get a prenup). What are the real, tangible, benefits of it? If I sign a contract to buy a house, I'm getting a house in exchange. If I sign a contract for an investment, I'm getting a certain percentage return and hopefully my principal back. These are all mutually beneficial. How is a marriage contract beneficial for both parties? What do parties really gain that wasn't there before? And it has a 50% failure rate! Would you invest in something if there was a 50% chance you'd lose all your principal? Would you try to buy a house for its full market price if there was a 50% chance it would collapse unto itself?

 

And to an extent you CAN control who you fall for. I'm not a religious person, so you'll never see me going to a church to look for a guy. The places I go to to look for a guy are places where I'll find my type of guy. It doesn't mean I can't ever fall for someone who isn't a cultural match for me, but I don't actively put myself in places to meet that person, so the odds are smaller.

 

My reasons for not wanting to get married ARE purely practical. If me or him decide that we don't want to be together anymore, it shouldn't be a long, costly, drawn-out process. We should be able to cleanly part without all the mess. All marriage does is make it harder for the parties to leave each other. I'm not so insecure about my man leaving me that I need to tie him down with a piece of paper and I would hope he feels the same way. He should stay with me because he loves me and wants to be with me - not because the piece of paper is keeping him tied to me.

 

Yes, my reasons against marriage all involve the complexity of what happens when it doesn't work out, which half the time it doesn't. I think in this day and age all the people stating that they don't believe in prenups because marriage is all about love are being foolish.

[El Brujo]

Men typically do it for the free sex, women typically do it to get kids.

[jlindemann]

Our situation is different because I have two kids. He has no children but wants at least one.

 

I don't believe he has commitment issues, because he's has several long term relationships, all which had lasted years...including one that he was engaged to. His parents (from what I'm told) had a happy marriage. His dad passed about 7 years ago.

 

Having a relationship and not having any kids is a deal breaker for him though. So at some point I have to decide if I'm ok with having any more kids, or if we should end it. I'm not opposed to having one more child, but I have to be certain it's the right guy. And I suppose I would like to be married to that guy.

 

But not getting married again is NOT a deal breaker for me. I just feel like if I'm going to have a kid with him (eventually), that we should have some sort of a commitment. Living together might just be the only type of commitment that would work.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I very much have been in love and still don't believe in marriage - and I'm a woman. Yes, marriage is not practical, especially for the person who makes more money in the relationship (unless they get a prenup). What are the real, tangible, benefits of it? If I sign a contract to buy a house, I'm getting a house in exchange. If I sign a contract for an investment, I'm getting a certain percentage return and hopefully my principal back.

 

Does everything have to have a tangible or monetary value towards it in order to make it a "practical" investment?

 

Let me ask you this...what happens when you die? can you help me figure out a way to make something I am doing now to be tangible...in whatever phase or shift, or dusty particles I become afterwards.

 

How do you place a value on something that cannot be measured? or must it be measured and rationalized before you can ever make that kind of a decision for your own life?

 

These are all mutually beneficial. How is a marriage contract beneficial for both parties? What do parties really gain that wasn't there before? And it has a 50% failure rate! Would you invest in something if there was a 50% chance you'd lose all your principal? Would you try to buy a house for its full market price if there was a 50% chance it would collapse unto itself?

 

Is a marriage not to be mutually beneficial? Is it not to raise kids, build a household, raise sparky the dog together and accomplish things together? isn't that the real point, isn't everything else that happens the way people made it over the years? laws and such...or must there always been a line between credit and debits to account for all the transactions brought about in a relationship?

 

A 50 percent failure rate...how often do you use statistics do determine decisions in your life? yet you sure rely on one wholeheartedly when it comes to something you oppose?

 

If the chances of finding a relationship out of 100 dates is 10, does that make the 10% chance, not worth the trouble?

 

Also what is there to gain out of a mutual investment? when two companies merge is it to lose more money? is there no such thing as a prosperous marriage? is there no such thing as building something together out of a relationship that you would both amicably walk away from because you still love and respect each other even though it didn't work out? or are we taking into consideration the common sense, communication and people lacking the self-awareness in relationships that people tend to have into that equation? because If you ask me, chances are...percentage wise, in the end your next relationship will be a waste a time...a clear waste of time and resources, it is far better to invest in a business venture that may reap greater benefits than love...percentage wise.

 

And to an extent you CAN control who you fall for. I'm not a religious person, so you'll never see me going to a church to look for a guy. The places I go to to look for a guy are places where I'll find my type of guy. It doesn't mean I can't ever fall for someone who isn't a cultural match for me, but I don't actively put myself in places to meet that person, so the odds are smaller.

 

You do not choose who you fall in love with...unless you are merely in love with love. You cannot choose the right person, then apply the "love" you require or desire that you had with someone else, you can just choose then love later as many like to believe...because love is about emotions not reason, ultimately.

 

I don't know about you...but I've fallen for people out of the blue, from the places I have least expected...so you must very much focus your concentration on very select men...but again, don't be surprised, it'll happen to you too.

 

My reasons for not wanting to get married ARE purely practical. If me or him decide that we don't want to be together anymore, it shouldn't be a long, costly, drawn-out process. We should be able to cleanly part without all the mess. All marriage does is make it harder for the parties to leave each other. I'm not so insecure about my man leaving me that I need to tie him down with a piece of paper and I would hope he feels the same way. He should stay with me because he loves me and wants to be with me - not because the piece of paper is keeping him tied to me.

 

So you're making a purely practical statement out of a clearly detached emotional state...in a situation that would require an emotional investment? not very difficult to do or say now, It's like me asking you who would you save if two people you loved were hanging from a cliff, you might choose a rational answer now, however if that time ever came, you might choose completely differently.

 

I agree it shouldn't be a costly, drawn-out process, I see your point with that...but what I'm getting at is what is it, inside of you that feels that strongly about every relationship ending....a relationship that you're currently not in and emotionally invested in...do you truly believe there isn't a man out there that would invoke enough emotion of you to even consider it? then if so, I feel a bit sad for you with such low expectations out of love.

 

Why must marriage be an insecure move? Are you chained to a house or material thing that you love? do you feel forced to choose it? no, you choose it because that's what you want. It's like doing something you love to do for work, is it the same as doing something you're just doing for money? which one has more value?

 

Are you saying that you feel that If a man is married to you, that you may feel he is obligated to be with you? And do you feel that someone you truly loved enough to marry (assuming it wasn't random and over some years of being in a relationship that you were satisfied in during) would want you to be unhappily married?

 

Are people yet seeing what they are associating with marriage, based on the worst they've seen and was has happened to others automatically? You cannot speak unbiasedly and fairly, if all you ever focus on rationally and statistically is the negative 50 percent.

 

I'm not trying to "convince" anyone here...I'm just trying to show you the really not so biased and in-depth decision making taking place, it's quite shotgun like and I do question the roots of it still...people will develop their own judgements based on their perspective, not mine...I don't have to point out if people are in fact commitment phobic or have a fear of trust or what not...I personally believe that this goes much deeper within us than just the paper that say "married", it's a fear of control, safety and other insecurities within ourselves IMO.

 

But it can also be a very handy tool to get out from a deep emotional investment, a wild card that you can always use when your partner doesn't suit you much anymore. Or maybe you'd just like to string this person along but never have to commit to them ultimately.

 

So let me ask you this, how do you tell a person using it who have a fear of commitment and those who are just against marriage? if those people both use the exact same reasons, excuses and methods to avoid one? is that just...coincidence?