nofool4u Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 Here is something I've brought up before. For those who have participated in threads where a spouse has the opportunity to cheat, say by going out partying alot, or by other means. Some posters will acknowledge, based on the story being told, that the poster needs to nip any opportunity to cheat in the butt. Basically the person has to be their gf/bf/spouse's babysitter and police them. So my question is, why bother? If someone has to intervene to keep someone form doing what they desire to do, all you have done is stop them from actually doing it. They still would love the opportunity to F someone else. So why bother even being with someone like this?
Ninja'sHusband Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 That's why a relationship like that can't last. Either the the "parent" has to let go or the "child" needs to grow up. (btw it's "nip it in the bud"^^) 1
lukas Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 They still would love the opportunity to F someone else. I don't think it's as simple as that but to be honest I really don't think there is any purpose at all to policing things. If your spouse intended to be faithful they will find you repressive and controlling anyway which won't help the relationship. Strange how it works that way
buckeyeblue Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 that the poster needs to nip any opportunity to cheat in the butt NF - This made me piss myself!! I wouldn't want to police anybody cheating "in the butt" or any other body cavity!!!:laugh: [i believe you meant "in the bud"..........or maybe not].
Author nofool4u Posted January 17, 2013 Author Posted January 17, 2013 That's why a relationship like that can't last. Either the the "parent" has to let go or the "child" needs to grow up. (btw it's "nip it in the bud"^^) I don't believe the child ever will grow up in the sense that the only thing keeping them from cheating is being held in check. 1
Author nofool4u Posted January 17, 2013 Author Posted January 17, 2013 I don't think it's as simple as that but to be honest I really don't think there is any purpose at all to policing things. If your spouse intended to be faithful they will find you repressive and controlling anyway which won't help the relationship. Thats not what I'm talking about. I'm really referring to those relationships where the person has ample enough evidence that their SO goes out on the prowl and feels the need to stop them. In that situation, why bother? Just get rid of them.
lukas Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 Thats not what I'm talking about. I'm really referring to those relationships where the person has ample enough evidence that their SO goes out on the prowl and feels the need to stop them. In that situation, why bother? Just get rid of them. Easier said than done for most people which I suppose is what facilitates all the heartbreak.
OpenBook Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 Some posters will acknowledge, based on the story being told, that the poster needs to nip any opportunity to cheat in the butt. That would be... in the butt, Bob.
Author nofool4u Posted January 17, 2013 Author Posted January 17, 2013 That would be... in the butt, Bob. LOL, I remember that. the answer one woman gave when Bob Hughbanks asked the couples where was the weirdest place you ever had sex.
buckeyeblue Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 That would be... in the butt, Bob. OMG, I remember this!! Never could figure out whether it really happened or was just urban legend!
Journee Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 This is something I have been mulling over in my current situation. I have all but forgotten the feeling of not being compelled to check our phone bill every half hour. Not feeling panicked every time he walks out the door to go to work (he met her before work and after he kissed me and his oldest goodbye, trigger city). What it's like not to itch to yank his cell phone out of his hand. Is he really working overtime...let me just check his stub one...more...time. It's the most maddening feeling. Especially knowing where there is a will, there is a way. I have tried to not go through pockets and other such compulsions. Seriously it is a compulsion. Almost involuntary. My mother (also a BS) thinks all my double checking is ridiculous. She tells me to just give him enough slack in the rope to hang himself. Easier said than done. As exhausting as this all is I feel I am protecting myself. Not interested in playing naive wifey ever again. Why do I stay? At this point I'm not prepared to make any major life decisions. I just had our youngest child 7 weeks ago and am trying to keep PPD at bay. We shall see my reasoning in the coming months. I just know right now I need him. How ironic the one I need the most is whom I am protecting myself from. 2
Journee Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 NF - This made me piss myself!! I wouldn't want to police anybody cheating "in the butt" or any other body cavity!!!:laugh: [i believe you meant "in the bud"..........or maybe not]. Oh, thank you for pointing that out. I needed that out loud laugh!
Author nofool4u Posted January 17, 2013 Author Posted January 17, 2013 Journee, don't get me wrong. I'm not looking down on anyone that decides to stay. Everyone has their own reasons and its tough to be cheated on. Just saying if you have to police someone just to keep them from doing what they really want to do, whats the point?
BetrayedH Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 Does this happen much? I don't often see policing recommended as a way to prevent cheating. I do see people recommending investigative mode to find out the truth. Or perhaps during a reconciliation where there's a desire to "trust but verify." Would you consider those to be on-topic?
Author nofool4u Posted January 17, 2013 Author Posted January 17, 2013 Does this happen much? I don't often see policing recommended as a way to prevent cheating. I do see people recommending investigative mode to find out the truth. Or perhaps during a reconciliation where there's a desire to "trust but verify." Would you consider those to be on-topic? Sure, you can spin the topic. I don't mind. How about this as just an example, but also was sort of my situation. Woman cheats on husband while out on one of her many "girls nights out". Woman gets caught, apologizes, man forgives her, but she still wants to go out with the girls and back to the behaviors of a single girl out on the prowl. Man tells her no, and she gets upset thinking he is being controlling. He had to be the one to tell her she can't do that because she abused that trust and privilege, rather than her taking the initiative to refrain from those activities herself. If the spouse has to really explain to the WS that they abused the trust while out partying, and WS still wants that "freedom", then again, whats the point?
Journee Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 Journee, don't get me wrong. I'm not looking down on anyone that decides to stay. Everyone has their own reasons and its tough to be cheated on. Just saying if you have to police someone just to keep them from doing what they really want to do, whats the point? The worst part is not being able to trust my own perception of reality. Do I think he is actively seeking affairs? No. But...and there is always a but...I also did not believe he was capable of bringing this special kind of hell down upon me/us. I don't trust his judgement because of his actions. I can't trust my own judgment because his actions didn't match my perceived reality. Honestly, there may not be a point but I'm not through to the other side yet. I had tried to talk myself into believing there is a lesson to be learned from all of this. I'm not so sure at this point. 1
Ninja'sHusband Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 Does this happen much? I don't often see policing recommended as a way to prevent cheating. I do see people recommending investigative mode to find out the truth. Or perhaps during a reconciliation where there's a desire to "trust but verify." Would you consider those to be on-topic? I was definitely being a policeman, trying to make sure they both didn't go to class on the same night, or to get one of them to quit altogether. Also checking phone records..YOU TEXTED HIM ON VALENTINES DAY!!! STOP IT! lol Yeah she would just get sneakier. She wasn't really trying to work with me, only to get away with what she could. I had to finally realize everything was insincere and give up. The lies continued on and on and into the divorce process...
Author nofool4u Posted January 17, 2013 Author Posted January 17, 2013 The worst part is not being able to trust my own perception of reality. Do I think he is actively seeking affairs? No. But...and there is always a but...I also did not believe he was capable of bringing this special kind of hell down upon me/us. I don't trust his judgement because of his actions. I can't trust my own judgment because his actions didn't match my perceived reality. Honestly, there may not be a point but I'm not through to the other side yet. I had tried to talk myself into believing there is a lesson to be learned from all of this. I'm not so sure at this point. I feel for you on so many levels, especially having a fairly newborn in the family. Trust me, I understand the feeling of packing it all in and staying for the sake of my children, no matter how miserable I would have been. Just for me, I couldn't do it. I had to leave her.
BetrayedH Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 Sure, you can spin the topic. I don't mind. How about this as just an example, but also was sort of my situation. Woman cheats on husband while out on one of her many "girls nights out". Woman gets caught, apologizes, man forgives her, but she still wants to go out with the girls and back to the behaviors of a single girl out on the prowl. Man tells her no, and she gets upset thinking he is being controlling. He had to be the one to tell her she can't do that because she abused that trust and privilege, rather than her taking the initiative to refrain from those activities herself. If the spouse has to really explain to the WS that they abused the trust while out partying, and WS still wants that "freedom", then again, whats the point? There are certainly varying degrees of "getting it." My wife cheated at work and I would have liked for her to quit the job. She refused but agreed to transfer. Should I have had to compromise? Probably not. There are a lot of sacrifices to be made by a BS that chooses to reconcile. There are very few perfect WSs after Dday. Do we have to tolerate any of them? Certainly not. But every BS draws the line in a different place (and sometimes moves the line a few times). It ain't easy. I certainly think your approach was cleaner and I don't judge you for it. I just don't judge the BSs that try to reconcile either. To each their own. Some have more patience with reconciliation than others. I felt that my efforts were a reflection of my commitment to my vows and the extent of my love for my wife. Did I owe her that? No. The contract was null and void. It was my choice. To me, after 19 years together, a few more months of effort to see if it would work was relatively inconsequential. For what's it's worth, I don't regret the effort of those 7 months; I feel comfortable that I did what I could (as ugly as some of it was). 3
Ninja'sHusband Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 This is something I have been mulling over in my current situation. I have all but forgotten the feeling of not being compelled to check our phone bill every half hour. Not feeling panicked every time he walks out the door to go to work (he met her before work and after he kissed me and his oldest goodbye, trigger city). What it's like not to itch to yank his cell phone out of his hand. Is he really working overtime...let me just check his stub one...more...time. It's the most maddening feeling. Especially knowing where there is a will, there is a way. I have tried to not go through pockets and other such compulsions. Seriously it is a compulsion. Almost involuntary. My mother (also a BS) thinks all my double checking is ridiculous. She tells me to just give him enough slack in the rope to hang himself. Easier said than done. As exhausting as this all is I feel I am protecting myself. Not interested in playing naive wifey ever again. Why do I stay? At this point I'm not prepared to make any major life decisions. I just had our youngest child 7 weeks ago and am trying to keep PPD at bay. We shall see my reasoning in the coming months. I just know right now I need him. How ironic the one I need the most is whom I am protecting myself from. Journee, I think unfortunately you have to verify that things are ok for a while after such a serious breech of trust. If you find that your H is being honest that's a great relief. If you find he's still being dishonest, well, you know...and can make your appropriate decision. For me, all the snooping led to us splitting but that was a decision based on the truth, not the lies she was telling me. I hope things work out for you and that your H proves to be honest. 1
firstandlast Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I've wondered the same thing about serial cheaters -- I can see making one big mistake, regretting it and knowing you love your SO. But if you're constantly cheating on your SO, it's pretty clear you don't really want to be with them, at least exclusively. Why bother staying at that point? Why not be happy and free, seeing lots of people?
Michael Johnson Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I've wondered the same thing about serial cheaters -- I can see making one big mistake, regretting it and knowing you love your SO. But if you're constantly cheating on your SO, it's pretty clear you don't really want to be with them, at least exclusively. Why bother staying at that point? Why not be happy and free, seeing lots of people? I don't consider a one night stand a mistake. That is an active decision to drop the underwear for someone. If a person still reportedly loves their SO and knows the issue they're dealing with can be solved, then what is the point of cheating?
Journee Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Journee' date=' I think unfortunately you have to verify that things are ok for a while after such a serious breech of trust. If you find that your H is being honest that's a great relief. If you find he's still being dishonest, well, you know...and can make your appropriate decision. For me, all the snooping led to us splitting but that was a decision based on the truth, not the lies she was telling me. I hope things work out for you and that your H proves to be honest.[/quote'] Thank you Ninja's Husband. I know this is going to be a long road for us. I hope I can weather the storm.
Spark1111 Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 after DDay, we were both out of our minds; me, because he cheated on me with a co-worker ( very, very ccovenient) and him, because he realized how easy it was. oh, yeah, his projection...big time. my IC slowly helped me realize that a tone could cheat on anyone at anytime if they so desired to. So, I have carte Blanche to stop by his workplace anytime I need or want to and he has carte Blanche to stop by for a drink wherever I amount with the girls. We have both vowed to do anything within our power to reassure each other of our fidelity. whatever it takes, whether it be unannounced stop-ins, cell-phone and Internet checks, reading here or on FB...whatever it takes. I knew, and he knew, I would have a horrible time trusting him. what surprised us both...and I did resent it at first....was his hard time trusting me. it is normal and it is okay. Either one of us need reassuring and stopping in or checking the cell phone...we keep our egos in check and just allow it.
CantgetoveritNY Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 This is something I have been mulling over in my current situation. I have all but forgotten the feeling of not being compelled to check our phone bill every half hour. Not feeling panicked every time he walks out the door to go to work (he met her before work and after he kissed me and his oldest goodbye, trigger city). What it's like not to itch to yank his cell phone out of his hand. Is he really working overtime...let me just check his stub one...more...time. It's the most maddening feeling. Especially knowing where there is a will, there is a way. I have tried to not go through pockets and other such compulsions. Seriously it is a compulsion. Almost involuntary. My mother (also a BS) thinks all my double checking is ridiculous. She tells me to just give him enough slack in the rope to hang himself. Easier said than done. As exhausting as this all is I feel I am protecting myself. Not interested in playing naive wifey ever again. Why do I stay? At this point I'm not prepared to make any major life decisions. I just had our youngest child 7 weeks ago and am trying to keep PPD at bay. We shall see my reasoning in the coming months. I just know right now I need him. How ironic the one I need the most is whom I am protecting myself from. Check the phone bill. Gather the evidence. Don't ever talk about what you find with your WS. He will just find ways to hide it in the future. But to the point of the OP, why do this? No, not to prevent the WS from cheating. It is to know what is going on and decide if you want to stay or leave. Don't ever tell what you know and especially not how you know. Just use the knowledge to decide what is best for you, not to manipulate the WS into not cheating. The WS would not be influenced. The WS would just learn better how to hide the evidence. 1
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