HisSweety Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 Well I wrote here a while back about some " issues : with my MM . I told him exactly how I felt about him thinking I was angry with calls from the wife when we are together ! No they really do not bother me , it's nice knowing where she is ! Now it get's interesting , ever since I told him the truth that I really don't care that she calls , and that they do " family " things as I have my own family. He has become a lot more attentive so to speak . They bought a " family vacation home " a year or so ago , no big deal as my husband and I have talked about something like that too . So he has been using that as an excuse to leave on the weekends to spend time with me . ( my husband never asks what or where I am going ) Doing things we have talked about doing the past 3 years , suppers out , movies , different things we can do .And I must say I like it . I just can't get a read on some things going on in his mind , like he took a huge chance and we spent his birthday out of town . That should have been a big family day for them , but he chose to spend it with me . We do not talk about " forever " or say the usual " if I would have met you first " or " soul mates " we just enjoy the time we have . I have no idea how this will work out if someday something could change with us , or them , but I know for right now I am happy , happy knowing he is out there waiting on some " us " time . I know it's been 3 years and some people think that's to long to have an affair and that we should just face facts that we may never end up together , or maybe we will , one never knows . I just don't quite understand a person that takes such chances can not truly love the person they are taking the chances to spend time with . I will admit I got so off topic ( ooops ) I just want to know can we continue taking chances with out getting caught and losing everything ?
jwi71 Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I would opine that the longer the A continues and if he takes increasingly risky behaviors (spend his birthday with you) then the chance of discovery increases over time. Patterns emerge, harder to excuse what a BS might excuse as a one-off event because harder to dismiss with multiple occurrences that happen over a prolonged time frame. I won't hazard a numerical answer but will suggest its an increasing chance. 3
beenburned Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Why would a cheater invest in something as large as a vacation home knowing that their cheating increases the chances of them being divorced in the future? If you both are not happy being married to your spouses, why not just get a divorce?(rather than cheating)
TigerCub Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I just want to know can we continue taking chances with out getting caught and losing everything ? You tell me... Can I start driving drunk every few days without upping my chances of getting into an accident? ...same kinda logic - if you keep taking "chances", you obviously increase the possibility of getting caught and having everything unravel...
Mint Sauce Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 (edited) I just don't quite understand a person that takes such chances can not truly love the person they are taking the chances to spend time with . You love him much more than you're willing to say out loud. You hope he'll leave his wife for you, even if you don't realize that yet. Expect to be hurt, massively. PS: no, I'm not a bitter betrayed spouse, I'm the MM that broke the heart of his OW. She also thought she was happy being only my mistress. Her world collapsed when I ended the affair. So did my wife's. So did mine. Edit: unless by the quoted line you wanted to express your fear that HE is much more emotionally invested than you are, and that he will ruin everything by falling in love with you... Edited January 18, 2013 by Mint Sauce 2
justwhoiam Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 "MM has been going all out" What does that mean?
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I just don't quite understand a person that takes such chances can not truly love the person they are taking the chances to spend time with . I will admit I got so off topic ( ooops ) I just want to know can we continue taking chances with out getting caught and losing everything ? Is your MM worth it? Is having that affair worth it all? Is putting your marriage and the relationship you have with your husband worth losing? What are you prepared to say to your husband when you get caught? Bolded part - So you love your MM and are taking a big chance. Yet I take it you don't want to get caught and lose everything. Do you even love your husband? Why not just divorce, or tell your H how you feel and this way you can be single and do as you please.
ThatJustHappened Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Well I wrote here a while back about some " issues : with my MM . I told him exactly how I felt about him thinking I was angry with calls from the wife when we are together ! No they really do not bother me , it's nice knowing where she is ! Now it get's interesting , ever since I told him the truth that I really don't care that she calls , and that they do " family " things as I have my own family. He has become a lot more attentive so to speak . They bought a " family vacation home " a year or so ago , no big deal as my husband and I have talked about something like that too . So he has been using that as an excuse to leave on the weekends to spend time with me . ( my husband never asks what or where I am going ) Doing things we have talked about doing the past 3 years , suppers out , movies , different things we can do .And I must say I like it . I just can't get a read on some things going on in his mind , like he took a huge chance and we spent his birthday out of town . That should have been a big family day for them , but he chose to spend it with me . We do not talk about " forever " or say the usual " if I would have met you first " or " soul mates " we just enjoy the time we have . I have no idea how this will work out if someday something could change with us , or them , but I know for right now I am happy , happy knowing he is out there waiting on some " us " time . I know it's been 3 years and some people think that's to long to have an affair and that we should just face facts that we may never end up together , or maybe we will , one never knows . I just don't quite understand a person that takes such chances can not truly love the person they are taking the chances to spend time with . I will admit I got so off topic ( ooops ) I just want to know can we continue taking chances with out getting caught and losing everything ? 3 years? F**k that..if I was going out with a guy for 3 years and the relationship wasn't going anywhere, I'd leave. That's a dead end. It sounds more like he's just gotten arrogant. Either that or he's trying to get caught. If you two wanted to end up together, one of you would have made a move by now. You're just cake-eating and so is he. Enjoy it while you can..once you get caught you'll get thrown under the bus. 2
ThatJustHappened Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 But, an affair for three years is not the same as a normal (in the open) three year relationship. So the expectations are way different. The expectations of this affair is to have sex on the side, not much else. As you said, cake eating. OP was talking about ending up together though. And she's talking about how romantic MM is. It doesn't sound like she just wants sex anymore.
ThatJustHappened Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Oh wow! Then there is a dysbalance in the relationship or perhaps MOM wants the same. But it's been 3 years. If he wanted more, don't you think he'd have asked by now?
Author HisSweety Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 (edited) I think I am done here , I thought this was supposed to be a forum for help or a place to vent . I was wrong . I did figure out that many who post here are BS's . Im out ! Edited January 18, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Spark1111 Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Not too be snarky here his sweetly and I do not know your MM or what could be going through his mind. But, in my sitch, my H started taking more stupid risks with his OW too. Got careless and here is why. He felt he was in to deep and did not know how to get out of it. She wanted more and more time with him, wanted more of a commitment, and in true cake eater style, did not no how to get out from the increasing demands of the affair. So, we believe now he wanted to get caught, so I would force the ending of it. And going away on his birthday, their anniversary, or any momentous occasion is not only a desire to rouse suspicion, it is also an act of rebellion against the spouse. you may be being used to hurt her. 2
Robert Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Let's keep to the topic please, no insults or slights. Thanks
Mimolicious Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I think I am done here , I thought this was supposed to be a forum for help or a place to vent . I was wrong . I did figure out that many who post here are BS's . Im out ! Why? Nobody is insulting you or calling you names, now are they? You asked for opinions and you are getting feedback. It may not be the ones you want to hear but it is what it is... Sounds like someone else said, your H and your MMW may be having affairs of their own. At best, when this all comes crashing (and it could) all hell is going to break loose. Sounds like everyone is too comfortable and this is why your A is going on seamless for so long. Be ready to be heartbroken or to break a few hearts. Good luck!
Spark1111 Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Are you looking for reaffirmation? As affairs go yours is going well. What are you looking for? I am baffled too. Sorry, OP, but you said going away on his birthday may raise suspicion...yes it can and does...but you asked if the risks he was now taking to be seen out with you was proof he really loved you. it could be, but I replied, not necessarily.
HonestNeurotic Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Not sure what the OP is asking for......... If the cake eater situation is working out - and that's what you want - then I wouldn't take chances like going away on family holidays. Do you want more? Myself - I won't let anything from an affair penetrate into my "real life". That's asking for trouble.
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I think I am done here , I thought this was supposed to be a forum for help or a place to vent . I was wrong . I did figure out that many who post here are BS's . Im out ! I'm sorry if my reply came off harsh. It was meant to make you stop and really think about what it is you're doing and why. This place is helpful and most do care, otherwise they wouldn't respond. Maybe in a few days come back and re-read the advice, with an open mind, and you'll stick around and post more.
MissBee Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 Well I wrote here a while back about some " issues : with my MM . I told him exactly how I felt about him thinking I was angry with calls from the wife when we are together ! No they really do not bother me , it's nice knowing where she is ! Now it get's interesting , ever since I told him the truth that I really don't care that she calls , and that they do " family " things as I have my own family. He has become a lot more attentive so to speak . They bought a " family vacation home " a year or so ago , no big deal as my husband and I have talked about something like that too . So he has been using that as an excuse to leave on the weekends to spend time with me . ( my husband never asks what or where I am going ) Doing things we have talked about doing the past 3 years , suppers out , movies , different things we can do .And I must say I like it . I just can't get a read on some things going on in his mind , like he took a huge chance and we spent his birthday out of town . That should have been a big family day for them , but he chose to spend it with me . We do not talk about " forever " or say the usual " if I would have met you first " or " soul mates " we just enjoy the time we have . I have no idea how this will work out if someday something could change with us , or them , but I know for right now I am happy , happy knowing he is out there waiting on some " us " time . I know it's been 3 years and some people think that's to long to have an affair and that we should just face facts that we may never end up together , or maybe we will , one never knows . I just don't quite understand a person that takes such chances can not truly love the person they are taking the chances to spend time with . I will admit I got so off topic ( ooops ) I just want to know can we continue taking chances with out getting caught and losing everything ? I'm not trying to be cynical...just realistic. But the thing with romantic relationships is that they feel good and are beneficial to both people. That said: a lot of why people do certain things often amounts to the fact that it so happens to also fulfill them in some way and it is not always all about "love" for the other. Hence, people fall in and out of "love", get bored with romantic interests, cheat etc. Because so much of it is also self-serving and once one isn't being "served" as much...many often find themselves "out of love". Good relationships require that steadfast love that one has for friends/family that isn't all about what they do for you as well as the more romantic feelings tied to feel-good emotions. I can't say if he loves you or not, but one test of love IMO is when someone makes hard decisions and chooses to do something that will only benefit their love interest and not themselves. But when what the other is doing is also entangled in their own self-interest...it's really hard to say if it is "love" or simply that doing these things serve their ends too. It isn't hard to see how a man spending his birthday having sex with me in a vacation house instead of being with his family, might not really be about love, as it benefits him as well to do so. When one is caught up in an A many times, like all kinds of addicts, they are actually addicted to feeling good: drugs/sex/alcohol/shopping/relationships just are the medium that gets them to the feel good place and many will go above and beyond to attain it, at the risk of their families/other relationships/job etc. He's having an affair for a reason. Affairs feel good. Period. It is no wonder soooo many people engage in them, some even serially, even though in the end they choose to stay put or throw their AP under the bus crushing all the talk of love and the risks and so forth that occurred while it was on and heavy. He may love you, or as is often the case, even in non-As, he likes how he feels with you and so is investing not in you but the emotions that are attached to your situation together and is addicted to that so will go to increasingly higher levels to obtain that "high". I haven't personally been the one to cheat on a partner, but I can tell you..I don't think I am immune and I can very much imagine how I could get to that point. I can also relate to being addicted to how someone made me feel and going to all lengths for it....from that experience I can say that it wasn't love at all. My being with him and chasing those times together, even ditching friends and family for it (smh) was to fill ME up on those emotions...and really not because I loved him. I didn't know it at the time though...I conflated that with love. It was only when the high wore off and my friend asked me what I loved about him and missed and as I started explaining...so self-assured, but realizing WOW...NONE of what I am saying is love, it is all wrapped up in how he makes me feel and what he can do for me and how I liked is attention, the sex, going on trips, that he cooked for me etc. But what did I really love? 1
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