FightClub Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 I was just watching CNN and today is heavily based upon cheating, in all forms and a psychologist was talking about cheating and values. I'm paraphrasing somewhat but the overall idea was this; when spouses think to themselves that they have a solid grasp on fidelity it allows them to go into situations like 'ladies singles night' with friend or possibly enter into situations that would possibly put them into infidelity but they believe because of their values, they can go through those situations until they actually do end up cheating. Once they have an affair, the original value-guide that was in place is now modified and everything they once believe changes. They essentially shift thinking and the original plans are now invalidated or void. So, in essence, the thought that 'I would never cheat' now turns into ' Well, I can do *X* amount of things and technically I'm not cheating. ' I found this to be interesting because my perspective, for the most part, was that with an exAP I would have hoped they realize they made a mistake and work towards correcting and re-aligning with the values that leads them toward a authentic life, not one caught in affairs. Thoughts? -FC
CountrySlicker Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 I have to, in all honesty, agree with CNN. It will take a monumental amount of strength for me to not slip up again now that I know how easy it is.
todreaminblue Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 If your values are strong enough then you dont put yourself in situations or occurrences where you need to have them tested.....you shouldnt want to...I avoid and that strengthens my resolve..makes me stronger..thats a bit askew....but im a skewy person.....deb
Decorative Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 In the immediate aftermath of my spouse's affair- he sounded like CNN. With therapy, time, and a renewed marriage- he has super tight boundaries and demonstrates them all the time. That being said- I know better than to think there is no possibility of it happening again. But I do believe that a person who has done all the work to recover, and worked really hard- can enforce and keep high boundaries and not cheat again, to the point of even not ever going onto that slope. At all. 3
skywriter Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 I was just watching CNN and today is heavily based upon cheating, in all forms and a psychologist was talking about cheating and values. I'm paraphrasing somewhat but the overall idea was this; when spouses think to themselves that they have a solid grasp on fidelity it allows them to go into situations like 'ladies singles night' with friend or possibly enter into situations that would possibly put them into infidelity but they believe because of their values, they can go through those situations until they actually do end up cheating. Once they have an affair, the original value-guide that was in place is now modified and everything they once believe changes. They essentially shift thinking and the original plans are now invalidated or void. So, in essence, the thought that 'I would never cheat' now turns into ' Well, I can do *X* amount of things and technically I'm not cheating. ' I found this to be interesting because my perspective, for the most part, was that with an exAP I would have hoped they realize they made a mistake and work towards correcting and re-aligning with the values that leads them toward a authentic life, not one caught in affairs. Thoughts? -FC From my perspective , as the single woman that got involved as a MM. Now that I have 8 months out of the A. I can't imagine putting myself through that again. I feel like it changed me, in that, everything I was so certain I was, I now question. So, I absolutley am with you on the last paragraph of your post. The idea of reliving the A experience seems like self sabotage of the idotic kind. 1
Toddbt12y1 Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 You cannot beat temptation head-on. The only way to beat it is to run. Flee. Too many people thinking they're strong enough, till it happens. There is always a way out. People just dive head long, and make excuses for why they cannot. Oh, she tempted me for years at work! So? Report her. Keep reporting her till she stops or is gone. We met at a bar! He was so nice! So? Run away after telling him you're taken. Essentially people place themselves into these situations and throw their Morales out the door. But in times like these, cheating is getting mercy it doesn't deserve, and accepted. Society blesses it along... But I agree too with CNN person.
buckeyeblue Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 If a WS had a d-day, I don't understand how seeing the pain inflicted on their spouse and children would not cause that person to develop boundaries. It is incomprehensible how someone could do this more than once to the same person.
Yellowteacup Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 I can only base this on my on experiences but I believe cheating is a form of addiction. The attraction, anticipation, and suspense is what drove me. It encompasses your body and mind. You are not thinking of the consequences or hurt this may cause. It is a drug, and when with held or going the NC cold turkey, why it's like diving into an icy ocean! The shock is quite numbing. The question remains. To cheat or not to cheat? 2
Silly_Girl Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Interestingly I used to be able to employ quite a lot of my usual empathy to infidelity situations, and now it's much less so. I think it's a personal choice of wanting lots of distance between myself and any form of cheating scenario; I am much less tolerant than I used to be because I just don't want it on my radar. If that makes sense. 1
Mimolicious Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 If a WS had a d-day, I don't understand how seeing the pain inflicted on their spouse and children would not cause that person to develop boundaries. It is incomprehensible how someone could do this more than once to the same person. Oh trust me there are heartless people out here! They can do it more than once ok and it is because the other betrayed person stays. Of course, not in all cases but been there myself. People are broken to the core at times and they don't care who they hurt and how many times. 1
HonestNeurotic Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I think that an affair is just a diversion. A symptom of something that is wrong with ME. Well, perhaps not WRONG, per se, but something that I am not being honest about. A need that is not being fulfilled. Or my perspective that it is not being filled. I'm sure it's different for everyone. Me. I do have occasional affairs for sex. I have had two. One ended badly, though I wasn't sad over it ending. The other I ended cuz the guy was falling in love with me. I don't need the love part. It seems that many of the affairs that take place are really ones that satisfy some emotional need. Whether or not that need is addicting? Probably. We live in a world (USA anyways) dominated by "reality" television and media that extols the virtues of having this drama filled life. For better or worse. People look at their own lives and find them lacking of drama, so they will create some. Some will have affairs, some will just make mountains out of molehills and make sure that everyone else notices and drag them in.
AlexDP Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 (edited) I was just watching CNN and today is heavily based upon cheating, in all forms and a psychologist was talking about cheating and values. I'm paraphrasing somewhat but the overall idea was this; when spouses think to themselves that they have a solid grasp on fidelity it allows them to go into situations like 'ladies singles night' with friend or possibly enter into situations that would possibly put them into infidelity but they believe because of their values, they can go through those situations until they actually do end up cheating. Once they have an affair, the original value-guide that was in place is now modified and everything they once believe changes. They essentially shift thinking and the original plans are now invalidated or void. So, in essence, the thought that 'I would never cheat' now turns into ' Well, I can do *X* amount of things and technically I'm not cheating. ' I found this to be interesting because my perspective, for the most part, was that with an exAP I would have hoped they realize they made a mistake and work towards correcting and re-aligning with the values that leads them toward a authentic life, not one caught in affairs. Thoughts? -FC I will never cheat in the first place. Yeah, I'm that arrogant. I will never cheat. It is one core value of mine that will not fade. I don't think people who cheat are necessarily bad people. I do think they will cheat again, because they've seen how easy it is. It's not so much that their values have changed. It's that their values were different from the ones they thought they had. Edited January 18, 2013 by AlexDP 1
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