Long-term Online Emotional Affair....

[COPAGirl]

I am the OW. It's the first time I've typed that - yet it's been close to two years since it started.

 

We met online (obviously) and it was just flirting and talking. Strangely..we kept signing on everyday...day after day. I knew he was married - he was very upfront, but I didn't think it would 'go' anywhere. But we started sharing our lives, the ups and downs...no topic was off limits. We shared pictures and talked on the phone almost daily. The phone had to stop after about a year b/c his wife found out he was talking to someone online.

 

He didn't cut ties with me, but we had to be much more careful..or lose each other forever. I'm not in this naively and I know he isn't leaving his family, I don't expect him to. We live across the country from each other, so we've never had the chance to meet in person. She is still suspicious and she put a keylogger on his computer - somehow we've managed to find ways to keep in contact.

 

The first time we said 'I love you' was 15 months into the affair, we've only recently admitted to it being an affair. I've had times when I thought we should walk away b/c of the risk he takes if his wife finds out. Obviously, he talks me into staying.

 

I write all of this to ask, Why does he stay? I know why he says he stays, but why is it (or why am I) worth the risk? I'm asking anyone, but would especially like to hear from WS or former WS.

[jwi71]

I write all of this to ask, Why does he stay?

 

I would say he stays because he wants to.

 

I know why he says he stays, but why is it (or why am I) worth the risk? I'm asking anyone, but would especially like to hear from WS or former WS.

 

He continues because the reward is greater than the risk. The "high" of cheating with you is greater that what he thinks he is risking. And, he again thinks he won't get caught - he's more careful now.

 

You are asking a Q that has no answer - each A is unique - though they very often have similarities. So to understand why Joe Bob the WS cheats doesn't really help you.

 

If you really want to know - ask him. Why do you persist in cheating with me knowing what you could lose? This is different from asking him "why he stays".

 

And...his cheating for you ISN'T flattering.

[COPAGirl]

Welcome, I'm sure that you could use the support. That has to be complicated. Have you met in person? How much time do you spend together?

 

I think you shoudl ask HIM that. One of the first things I discovered in my affair was that becasue some of our communication is written, I had time to think and plan out what I wanted to say if I had a difficult question... and then I always just ask it.

 

What need is he filling in your life? Are you married too?

 

I'm single and have a very time consuming and demanding career. Aside from the feelings we share he is a great friend and confidant. I have asked him and he says it's b/c he loves me, he enjoys our time together and he wants me in his life.

 

As a single woman it is hard for me to grasp 'why' what we share is worth the risk. I don't see myself as 'better than' what he has in real life. I try to wrap my head around it, it's just a part of our relationship I've never fully understood.

 

It is complicated.

[wisernow]

I find the whole idea of a 2 year on-line relationship quite sad. Have you seen this man on skype or facetime or just pics? If that's a no, then you have no idea who you've been chatting with.

 

 

Why have you allowed this fantasy to go on so long?

Why haven't you made plans to meet face to face?

Have you dated anyone else in this 2 years, or are you remaining loyal to a mm who lives in your computer?

What do you want?

 

 

Are you satisfied with this?

 

I can see the draw for him. You are a fantasy. He can chat you up, tell you he loves you, sext you. You're safe for him. You live across the country from one another, so you are no threat. He doesn't need to worry about you showing up at his door, demanding a "real" relationship, trying to break up his family. Basically, have his fantasy, then log-off his computer and go home to his wife and family. So yea, for him, I can see the draw. But you? I don't see what you get out of it.

 

I'm not trying to be snarky, I just don't get it. Maybe you can help me understand.

Edited January 17, 2013 by wisernow

[truthbetold]

I find the whole idea of a 2 year on-line relationship quite sad. Have you seen this man on skype or facetime or just pics? If that's a no, then you have no idea who you've been chatting with.

 

 

Why have you allowed this fantasy to go on so long?

Why haven't you made plans to meet face to face?

Have you dated anyone else in this 2 years, or are you remaining loyal to a mm who lives in your computer?

What do you want?

 

 

Are you satisfied with this?

 

I can see the draw for him. You are a fantasy. He can chat you up, tell you he loves you, sext you. You're safe for him. You live across the country from one another, so you are no threat. He doesn't need to worry about you showing up at his door, demanding a "real" relationship, trying to break up his family. Basically, have his fantasy, then log-off his computer and go home to his wife and family. So yea, for him, I can see the draw. But you? I don't see what you get out of it.

 

I'm not trying to be snarky, I just don't get it. Maybe you can help me understand.

 

This this, and THIS ^^^!

 

He doesn't "stay" it's logging in and logging out. There's no commitment. I'm sorry but as I said to another poster I cannot for the life of me understand how someone can have a relationship that's only online and call it real, or worse "love". Love cannot exist in an online bubble it can start, but it cannot flourish and grow. There's a poster named Stevie that had the same type of "love". I absolutely mean no disrespect to either of you, but both of you need to figure out why and how you got so caught up in something online for so long and made it so real. It goes to not wanting "REAL" intimacy. Figure out why that is in order to move past it.

[stevie_23]

Heya, Stevie here. I noticed this thread and found it interesting as it's similar to my own experience with my now ex LDR / online affair.

 

So yeah, I do understand the opinion that an online only interaction is not really LOVE, although I think it depends on the people involved. Their specific views of what love can be, the forms it can take, and how much reward or fulfilment they get out of that restricted kind of love.

 

In my own case, I know it was love. I felt love. I still do, even though it's over. We were immersed in each other as much as we could be within our circumstances. Both of us were with other people in our real lives but felt more "together" in terms of our relationship than either of us did with our respective partners.

 

I don't know if the OP of this thread ever saw her online love on video or Skype or anything, but I feel this is very important. Of course you can have love without it, but it won't be as "real" or accurate. Every little further step you take towards reality grows (hopefully) and maintains that love and relationship.

 

In my case, my ex and I got very close at the beginning of April 2011 (we'd known each other casually for 1-2 years before that), we realised we were in love by about a month, and I started doing videos for him around that time too. At first I'd just talk into the camera and show him stuff, like where I lived, around my town, etc. I was too shy to be ON camera very much. At the same time, he did "talkies" as he had no camera or webcam yet, where he'd talk to me about anything and everything, same as what I'd do on my videos most of the time.

 

By 3 months, we were both now doing proper videos, where we'd just do our normal activities around the house, or driving, walking somewhere, and chat to the other, on camera. The first time I saw him was...interesting. I had only seen photos before, and it's a wake up call to really SEE them, their mannerisms, facial expressions, etc. I know the OP said there had been many phone calls (until her MM's wife found out and they had to stop) so at least you've heard his voice and have had real live contact in that way.

 

I find in my own experience, it doesn't matter whether online / LDR love is "real" or not. I think it is, but the fact is...if it's an affair, with no real desire or chance of turning into an exclusive / proper / non-secretive or restrictive relationship, then eventually it will most likely die slowly. I'm sure this doesn't always happen, but in my case, it did. After almost 2 years and 4 D-days of my MM's wife finding out, it just got too much. We were down to half the amount of contact we used to have because he was never able to be with me whenever his wife was home and we had to devise all these extra rules and safety measures to protect from further D-days, but it still didn't work. It's easy when they don't know. It's incredibly and increasingly difficult once they become suspicious. It just gets worse.

 

In any case, I think he loves you enough to want to continue risking his stability and real life. I don't know, as I said above, if or how long that will continue on for.

[COPAGirl]

We have Skyped and used Facetime often. We have tried to meet 3 times over the past 2 years and twice my career got in the way and once his wife cancelled her trip to see family. We are trying again this coming March.

 

I know most people don't understand how it can be 'love' since we've not spent face to face time together, I would have said the same thing had I not experienced it myself.

 

Within the next 6-18 months my career should switch gears a bit, allowing for me to stop 70-90 hr weeks. It will also allow me to choose which city I work in (for the same company), and he is hinting he would like me to consider a move his direction. Without us meeting several times in person I wouldn't be willing to relocate for him.

 

I know that while she is suspicious our relationship is more one-sided than it should be or normally is and I'm willing to give it some time to see what happens. In the past he has gone out of his way to find extra time for us or check on me on evenings or weekends when he knows I'm facing a difficulty or celebrating a success.

 

He's also looking into getting a second phone, either a prepaid phone or signing up for one on his best friend's plan. Now that we can't use his computer to Skype he borrows his friend's iPad to Facetime when he can.

 

It isn't perfect, and it may not last, but we aren't willing to let go just yet.

 

I think I could write a PSA on how spouse's get around being caught and how they take and keep their affairs underground. He always finds a way to keep us in contact, it's surprising, to say the least.

[jwi71]

I know most people don't understand how it can be 'love' since we've not spent face to face time together, I would have said the same thing had I not experienced it myself.

 

What do you love about him?

What, to you, defines this as love?

Should love be hidden?

 

Within the next 6-18 months my career should switch gears a bit, allowing for me to stop 70-90 hr weeks. It will also allow me to choose which city I work in (for the same company), and he is hinting he would like me to consider a move his direction. Without us meeting several times in person I wouldn't be willing to relocate for him.

 

He works for the same company?

Uh-oh. What career ramifications are there if this comes out?

....and I hope you have friends and family where he lives. There is a trap for you I see. Namely, you become his mistress, move there, and find yourself more or less socially dependent on him. I wouldn't so eagerly cede that power to him.

 

It isn't perfect, and it may not last, but we aren't willing to let go just yet.

 

No truer words - you each want it and off you go towards making a bad situation worse.

 

I think I could write a PSA on how spouse's get around being caught and how they take and keep their affairs underground. He always finds a way to keep us in contact, it's surprising, to say the least.

 

And oh so flattering.( No it isn't.)

 

It's not all surprising. You fill some void in his life and he fills some void in yours.

[MissBee]

I am the OW. It's the first time I've typed that - yet it's been close to two years since it started.

 

We met online (obviously) and it was just flirting and talking. Strangely..we kept signing on everyday...day after day. I knew he was married - he was very upfront, but I didn't think it would 'go' anywhere. But we started sharing our lives, the ups and downs...no topic was off limits. We shared pictures and talked on the phone almost daily. The phone had to stop after about a year b/c his wife found out he was talking to someone online.

 

He didn't cut ties with me, but we had to be much more careful..or lose each other forever. I'm not in this naively and I know he isn't leaving his family, I don't expect him to. We live across the country from each other, so we've never had the chance to meet in person. She is still suspicious and she put a keylogger on his computer - somehow we've managed to find ways to keep in contact.

 

The first time we said 'I love you' was 15 months into the affair, we've only recently admitted to it being an affair. I've had times when I thought we should walk away b/c of the risk he takes if his wife finds out. Obviously, he talks me into staying.

 

I write all of this to ask, Why does he stay? I know why he says he stays, but why is it (or why am I) worth the risk? I'm asking anyone, but would especially like to hear from WS or former WS.

 

I think sometimes it can be a faulty way to look at it in terms of why are you worth the risk.

 

I think it is often better to wonder about it from the perspective of what is in it for them versus making it that you are some extra special person why this is happening.

 

I'm not saying you're not extra special. I'm just saying that many people engage in online affairs because it provides someone to talk to, validation, a connection, excitement, and they get attached/addicted to this...esp when it's strictly online, many convince themselves it is not that real/risky. So in his mind it may not be that big of a risk at all. Even people not in affairs often engage in internet love affairs for years, but often there is some break between what they do online/on the phone and their "real life".

 

What do you want out of this situation? At the end of the day, it seems to me like you guys talk online but life goes on. He has a family, a wife, you've never met but you both enjoy the emotional connection you receive from this communication. Do you plan to meet? Do you want to be eventually in a relationship that is not online with someone else? I ask because your emotional connection and the love you feel in an online EA can prevent you from forming bonds that are more fruitful and that are not only virtual and it would be a shame if you allowed life to pass you by while you invest in an internet relationship that won't ever become more.

[MissBee]

I can see the draw for him. You are a fantasy. He can chat you up, tell you he loves you, sext you. You're safe for him. You live across the country from one another, so you are no threat. He doesn't need to worry about you showing up at his door, demanding a "real" relationship, trying to break up his family. Basically, have his fantasy, then log-off his computer and go home to his wife and family. So yea, for him, I can see the draw. But you? I don't see what you get out of it.

 

I'm not trying to be snarky, I just don't get it. Maybe you can help me understand.

 

I agree with this.

 

For him it is no huge risk probably.

 

He used to call you and now he no longer does as that was too real of a risk. He perhaps thinks what you all are doing now is not all that risky and his wife won't find out.

 

I think when OW ask the question about risk and why they are worth it...it is about worthiness, validation, wanting to be told that they are special and that some person is going to great lengths to "lose it all" for them. Who doesn' want to feel that way? And for many OW it is precisely this desire that keeps them in the A. I think this belief in a MM "risking it all" for you because of the Ais a distortion however. The real "risk" would be deciding to end their marriage, which would surely mean change in lifestyle, change in general, maybe backlash, not seeing their kids as much, losing money etc. But that step to be with you would be a real risk taken because they feel that what you have deserves a real shot. However, having a secret affair, in which as their real life/marriage dictates they downgrade as necessary (ex. in your case, when the wife finds out you no longer even get to speak with him on the phone) is not that risky to many. They believe it won't come to light or as soon as it does, many many throw the OW under the bus and vanish.

 

I think there is a huge correlation between fantasy and estimating risk here, in which for many, esp in internet based As...they are addicted to playing out that fantasy, which brings the same endorphins and emotional highs without the actual work of a real relationship and without them feeling like they are actually really risking anything.