bitterruin Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 I broke NC last night, I texted him that I missed him. He responded that he missed me too and we talked for about two hours. I didn't want to leave anything unsaid so I told him I still believed we have a chance at mending things if we try counseling, both couple's therapy and individual therapy. He said what he'd like to do is try individual therapy first and once our psychologists believe we can have a healthy relationship together we can begging couple's therapy and call ourselves a couple. I don't know if I'm ok with that though. I want us to be a couple now because I don't want to feel like I'm just left in the backburner, as a backup plan. I told him this. I don't know if I made it very clear that my worry is that I want to have a guarantee that he won't see other people but I guess that was implied. Truth is we tried this exact same thing under his terms and he left me as soon as he found someone else, even though that only lasted a week. I told him I'm sorry I can't compromise but I'm starting to think maybe I was being unreasonable. He told me he's just afraid of rushing back into a relationship with high hopes and hurt me and be hurt again, instead he wants to work on the issues that caused us to break up before trying again. I guess that doesn't sound too unreasonable but he wants to remain in contact while we do this, I guess that's the only thing I have a problem with and I think we should stay in our current situation until we're ready to really try again. Any guidance would be greatly appreciated.
geegirl Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 I read your story. The moment you stepped away, he pulled you back. Agreeing to a break, yet wanting contact and indulging in sex under the condition that you both get couples therapy. The moment it's time to get to couples therapy, he's saying he can't have sex anymore and he can't be with you. Then he lies about being with another woman. Now he's on OK Cupid. You worry someone else will snag him and throw out the lifeline because you are too afraid to let go. Back to square one. Start talks about couples therapy again. He won't do that but individual therapy but wants contact. If that is the case, NC and work on yourself. Contact only enables his bad behavior and doesn't push him to do what he needs to do. And I don't believe for one second he will go to individual therapy. He will say he is, keep contact with you and have his way with you. If two people want to work at a relationship, they'll do whatever it takes to fix it. If you have to go through this much torment and coaxing, you have your answer. 3
Author bitterruin Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 I know what you're saying is right. I guess I'm too afraid of letting go. I don't know how I'm going to continuing doing this. It's gonna suck, just like the last four months have sucked. He told me last night he only joined OKCupid only after he saw on my Twitter that I had joined and he was hoping we would be matched. (btw, he was with another guy, not woman. We were a gay couple.)
geegirl Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 He told me last night he only joined OKCupid only after he saw on my Twitter that I had joined and he was hoping we would be matched. (btw, he was with another guy, not woman. We were a gay couple.) So, rather than contact you and work it out, knowing you want a relationship, he joins OKC hoping to be matched with you? He's been with you for 5 years! He joined OKC to see what's out there. 1
Author bitterruin Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 I'm glad I rejected him then. In the back of my mind I knew all he was doing was trying to keep me as a plan B. Even though he was saying all these sweet things that make me question his intentions. I guess he really knows how to yank my chain. NC will be fully implemented now. However you also say I should work on my self. I've been going to counseling for the past four months and been going to the gym since long before the relationship ended. What else should I be doing? I feel like I've tried everything I know how and I'm still in a really bad place. I'm starting to question my ability to pull through.
geegirl Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I'm glad I rejected him then. In the back of my mind I knew all he was doing was trying to keep me as a plan B. Even though he was saying all these sweet things that make me question his intentions. I guess he really knows how to yank my chain. NC will be fully implemented now. However you also say I should work on my self. I've been going to counseling for the past four months and been going to the gym since long before the relationship ended. What else should I be doing? I feel like I've tried everything I know how and I'm still in a really bad place. I'm starting to question my ability to pull through. Going for counseling and going to the gym won't be what helps you pull through. You keep engaging with this man and until you quit doing that, you'll continuously stay stuck. Last contact was around Thanksgiving. Then a couple of weeks later you snoop, and now another round of contact. It's no wonder you question your ability to pull through. You won't if you keep this on. Complete NC and nothing more. 1
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