Journee Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 My Gosh. How does one summarize almost a decade of love and life? Here goes.. I have wanted and needed to post here for some time now. However, due to issues with my e-mail I wasn't able to activate until this very moment. It may have been for the best considering I was six months pregnant and extremely hormonal and sick. I certainty wasn't thinking clearly or rationally after DDay. I hope now I can share my story and be as coherent possible. I have been struggling with blaming myself and hating the OW and H. In that . The reason I am even wrestling with blame for myself is I feel I pushed H into her. I left my J in May of 2011 after six years together and one child at the time. The year previous the stress of a newborn and H working two jobs to keep us afloat, our arguments became physical. This was a deal breaker for me and I demanded MC. If he did not want to help fix our communication for us I had hoped he would for our child. I did not leave immediately, I have it a year before his refusal to seek help with me became the end for me. I felt like I did not know him and I was so hurt by his blaze` attitude about the prior physical confrontation, felt myself resenting him. Darn near, falling out of love. Him being aware of my abuse ridden past and turning his back on our marriage broke my spirit for done . I shared with him everything Iam writing here. He knew it was MC or I would file D papers. I moved out and made it clear I had no intention to enter back into the marital home with him if things did not drastically change. I wanted us to get back to our religion DVD at the least seek council with a member of the church. He made some empty promises and I became even more distant. Three was a time that I showered.him with attention and affection. So much so, that at times I thought it bothered him. I completely stopped all, of that during the first few months of our separation. We began "dating" and making love again just two months into my leaving. I still was not giving him the same woman he was used to and we continued to live apart. Fast forward to April of 2012. I find out on our first child's birthday I was pregnant. H immediately wanted to move in with me and our child. I again rejected him. I didn't want him to move in out of obligation. I wanted him to want his family. Even though he had pursued me for the entire separation with me kicking and screaming, I stool pushed him away. Finally after the anatomy scan where we found out the sex or baby , I crumbled. I missed him and wantedhing more than to get my family back . By this time he was still professing his love for me and seemed very excited about our new baby. However, he was making exscuses as to why he couldn't move in with me all of a sudden. My intuition began to speak to me and I asked him if there was someone else. I told him if there was, he did not have to be with me. He assured me I was the one and only. I decided to investigate and soon found a number on our bill that would call him before he went to work and while he was supposed to be asleep. This number would call up to fifteen times a day and text him hundreds of times. I checked H's voicemail and there was a woman's voice attached to the number that had been blowing him up. DDay, Sept 7, 2012. I called her and she accidentally answered the phone. I heard her moaning and groaning on the other end. Obviously having some kind of sex. My heart.dropped. I became physically ill. I just knew that was my husband making her moan. When I could breathe again I called back. She said hello and I introduced myself. She hung up. Turns out it wasn't my husband pleasuring her but one of the three OTHER men she was sleeping with unprotected. My H was number four.She and I met and she disclosed the details to me. They had sex three times in two months. She thought we were separated and were not going to reconcile. She was just heartbroken and she and I should be friends... (these are her words). She admitted to me she had a drinking problem and was also having marital problems. She was all over the place and rambled so much I had to steer her back ontopic several times.She would not show me texts or her call log. Even though she de a point to tell me I should see what he says to her....I knew she lied about a lot but I also know she filled in some gaps for me. They went NC immediately. She was juggling enough men as it was including her own husband. Whom I spoke with also. After DDay I couldn't sleep or eat. I had been told just two weeks before that a colposcopy I had shown precancerous cells beginning to form lesions on my cervix and birth canal and the last ultrasound for our baby showed she had a strange spot on her heart. All of which the OW told me she knew about. I never felt more alone in my life. Yet, I often times blame my leaving and pushing him away. Rejecting him. Has anyone else found themselves feeling this way? Feeling almost sorry for the WS.
Author Journee Posted January 17, 2013 Author Posted January 17, 2013 Forgive my lack of paragraph indentations. I am on my phone and I swear they we present when I submitted.
TaraMaiden Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 I'm not quite sure what it is you want from us... did you need to vent, or are you looking for feedback/input........?
buckeyeblue Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 Journee - UGH!!!! YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR YOUR HUSBAND'S CHOICES!!!!!! You left your home for valid reasons - to be safe. You and he were/are still married. You had the same marriage, the same problems - yet HE chose to betray you and YOU did not choose to betray HIM!!! Every married couple in the world has problems. Living with someone day in and day out in real life is not all unicorns and rainbows. Grown-ups handle these problems with words, NOT by cheating and lying. DO YOU SEE THIS??? If you blame it on yourself, he will take this as a free pass to cheat and will never own it. Don't give him that free pass. As to the OW, yes, she is to blame as well, but she is a nothing in your life. Focus on YOU (and your H, if that is your choice). 2
Author Journee Posted January 17, 2013 Author Posted January 17, 2013 I'm not quite sure what it is you want from us... did you need to vent, or are you looking for feedback/input........? I suppose my inquiry at the end of my rant is my issue. I blame myself a lot of times and I was curious if other BS have felt the same. How does one work through not knowing the "why's" ? Maybe blaming myself is my own way of getting an answer as to why it happened.
Author Journee Posted January 17, 2013 Author Posted January 17, 2013 Journee - UGH!!!! YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR YOUR HUSBAND'S CHOICES!!!!!! You left your home for valid reasons - to be safe. You and he were/are still married. You had the same marriage, the same problems - yet HE chose to betray you and YOU did not choose to betray HIM!!! Every married couple in the world has problems. Living with someone day in and day out in real life is not all unicorns and rainbows. Grown-ups handle these problems with words, NOT by cheating and lying. DO YOU SEE THIS??? If you blame it on yourself, he will take this as a free pass to cheat and will never own it. Don't give him that free pass. As to the OW, yes, she is to blame as well, but she is a nothing in your life. Focus on YOU (and your H, if that is your choice). Thank you. I do see that this was his choice and perhaps there was nothing I could do to prevent it. It's just a hard pill to swallow. To think that maybe this is who the man I married is. Someone who would cheat on his pregnant wife. Would disclose a cancer scare to his OW. Someone who would put me at risk for STD's while carrying his child. I'm still struggling with this on a daily basis. Trying to make sense of a senseless situation.
buckeyeblue Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 I'm still struggling with this on a daily basis. Trying to make sense of a senseless situation. Today 2:06 PMI'm still struggling with this on a daily basis. Trying to make sense of a senseless situation. I know you are. My H's betrayal was the single most devastating experience of my life (and I suffered the loss of 7 babies, including twins). I have cried every single day for 19 months. But, one day at a time, I am starting to heal. You will, too. Take it one step at a time and cut yourself some slack. Since you are relatively new to this, I would caution you to avoid the OW/OM forum for a while. Some of the people there are very helpful, kind, and compassionate - but others are not. You don't need to read hurtful comments right now.
Author Journee Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 I'm still struggling with this on a daily basis. Trying to make sense of a senseless situation. Today 2:06 PM I know you are. My H's betrayal was the single most devastating experience of my life (and I suffered the loss of 7 babies, including twins). I have cried every single day for 19 months. But, one day at a time, I am starting to heal. You will, too. Take it one step at a time and cut yourself some slack. Since you are relatively new to this, I would caution you to avoid the OW/OM forum for a while. Some of the people there are very helpful, kind, and compassionate - but others are not. You don't need to read hurtful comments right now. Thank you and I'm sorry for your pain and loses. I have already been to the OW/OM forum. Maybe trying to gain some perspective, insight...answers. Idk. Thank you for taking the time to reply to my mess of a post.
2sure Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Journee.... I can tell from your post that you are an intelligent, reasonable, and strong woman who thinks long and hard about what she does before doing it. In the future, you are gong to look back on this time of your life and see what right now...you can't. You are not responsible . You are the opposite. He has not stopped abusing you, just changed the kind of abuse. It wasn't your fault he hit you. You have not forced him to lie. You didn't make Him cheat. He wouldn't get help because he doesn't want it. 1
Author Journee Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 Journee.... I can tell from your post that you are an intelligent, reasonable, and strong woman who thinks long and hard about what she does before doing it. In the future, you are gong to look back on this time of your life and see what right now...you can't. You are not responsible . You are the opposite. He has not stopped abusing you, just changed the kind of abuse. It wasn't your fault he hit you. You have not forced him to lie. You didn't make Him cheat. He wouldn't get help because he doesn't want it. Thank you 2sure. Your last statement is incredibly sobering. Sad but true. I'm coming to terms with several truths about my M, my H and myself. I suppose dealing with some PPD has only intensified a lot of my guilty feelings. Going through a pregnancy in this turmoil has brought me to my knees. Thank you again for your response.
2sure Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 To your knees , gosh so many of here understand that. And with relationships it's never just cheating that brings you there...it's what came before, good or bad as well as the lies during. For me it was something referred to as gaslighting. Please look it up , it when someone is hurting you and undermining you yet somehow convincing you that you are paranoid, crazy, or imagining it. I hope you continue to post, no matter what steps you take or don't.
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