Bittersweetie Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 There's an interesting article from the New York Times about how Loving Feelings take a lot of work. That Loving Feeling Takes a Lot of Work - NYTimes.com Two things that I found interesting: That studies have found that after two years of marriage people revert back to their former level of happiness. I know one of my issues was that I expected my husband to provide my happiness. Well, under this study, no matter what he did I would've reverted back to what I was! So I had an expectation and he had a job that could have never been successful. Thus I looked elsewhere...which doesn't solve the issue either. I'd never thought of it that way. "...the flame of love — the feelings that prompt people to forget all their troubles and fly down the street with wings on their feet — does not last very long, and cannot if lovers are ever to get anything done." This made me laugh...true! If we were all goo goo eyes all the time nothing would ever get done! Houses would be dirty and groceries nonexistent and the world would fall into chaos. This article resonated with me because before my A and during, I wasn't really putting a lot into my marriage, yet was upset because I wasn't getting a lot out of it. A few months after d-day, I decided to go "all in," and gave it my all. And since then my marriage has been everything I hoped for. And that is because of what I am doing, what I am giving. In turn my H gives as well, and while our relationship isn't all goo goo eyes all the time it's pretty darn great. I think this could be food for thought for WS who are trying to work on their marriage yet are holding back in some way, whether it's by still being in the A or not telling or another situation. It's the same as what many posters say here when they suggest investing the time into the marriage that one invested into the A. 4
Spark1111 Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 we learned in MC that those unhappy in their marriage aren't giving enough, and that is why they perceive they aren't getting enough. The downward spiral begins when they internalize they are not getting enough, and never will, no matter what they do. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. so they give even less effort to the relationship and begin to blame it for their personal unhappiness. TIhey emotionally distance themselves from their spouse way before they crash into their AP. both have do give to each other daily --kindness, attention, affection and respect to keep it all going forward. good article. 2
Recommended Posts