Two Wrongs Don't Make a Right

[scorned_70]

I am a married woman. Married close to 20 yrs. I truly love my husband, our children and the life that we have built together. Ten years ago I discovered that my husband had been in an outside relationship with another woman for over a year. I was devastated and did not know what to do...even contemplated divorce, but loved him so much could not imagine myself without him. We were BEST friends...my everything...my true first love.

 

Over a year ago, I found out that he has been communicating with that woman via social media sites and email. I comforted him and he denied that he had been in contact with her. I asked him several times in hopes that he would come clean and we could talk it out b/c I printed put the messages (he does not know that). He continued to lie and deny. Also just to back up a little further, ny husband has carried on with other women casually i suspect, but I never had hard core evidence just intercepted messages, texts and voice mails over the years and just dismissed it as flirting, but deep down I know here was more to it.

 

Long story short.... the week after i confronted him about being in contact with the woman he had an affair with, I was suppose to meet up with a girlfriend for drinks, but was stood up at the bar. I stayed with the intentions of having one drink. I had a few as I had a lot on my mind. Meanwhile, a guy at the bar offered me a drink. I kindly turned him down and he got a little aggressive. So out of no where, another guy who i did not know came up behind me and said sorry it took me so long to get here baby and introduced himself to the aggressive guy as if he was my man. I played along and the aggressive guy left me alone. I thanked him for saving me.

 

He introduced himself to me and we began to chat. He asked what I was doing out alone? I told him about being stood up by my girlfriend. He mentioned that he sees me in the particular bar with my husband all the time. I explained to him that he was traveling for business. He asked if I was ok, bc I seemed a little down. I told him I was fine. After some time, I got up from the bar stool and damn near tripped. Didn't realize that i had drank as much as I did. He asked how I was getting home. I said that I would be driving myself home. He said he didn't think that would be a good idea. I insisted that I was fine and proceeded to my car. He followed me and asked if he could drive me home. I said no. Then he asked if he could call a cab or if I could call a friend. I said no. He said well, can we talk for a little bit. I agreed and invited him in my car. We small taled and he was very complementary. He mentioned that if he was married to me, he would not want me out of his sight. I said sure....you'd get bored and want something different too.....just like he did. He asked me to repeat myself and before I knew it...we were in a full fledged convo about my cheating husband. I was in tears. He listened....I talked to him for hours like I knew him my whole life. Before I knew it the sun was up and I was sober. I said that I needed to get home. He took my phone and put his number in my phone and asked me to call when I made it home. I went straight to sleep and called him several hours later. We talked for 3 hours non stop. We talked/texted/met up with each other for months.

 

Shortly after I started this friendship, my husband informed me that he was being promoted and we were moving out of state. That crushed me as I had become really attached to 'A' is what I will call him. I informed A of the move. He was saddened by my news. We continued to communicate and see each other. We were extremely attracted to each other, but had not acted on our attraction. One week my husband was traveling for a week. A texted me one night and asked me what i was doing. I replied thinking about you. He said I wish i could see you.....I said you can if you proper;y extend me an invitation. He asked if my husband was traveling. I said yes. He asked me to come over. I agreed. He was very hospitably and a complete gentleman. He sat on one end of the couch and I sat on the other talked and watch TV. He offered me wine. When he brought it to me. I asked him to sit next to me. He did. I don't recall having a sip of wine. As soon as he sat down, he put his arm around me. That felt soo good to me. I leaned in and kissed him. It was so passionate and so different. Before I knew it, I was undressing him. One thing led to another and it was absolutely amazing. We slept for a couple hours. I woke up..he slept. I got dressed and kissed him goodbye. He grabbed my hand and asked me to stay. I said that I shouldn't. He asked me again. I said no. He walked me to my car and kissed me goodbye.

 

I had mixed feeling on my drive home. A called and called my phone several times, but I did not answer. I went home, showered and attempted to go to sleep, but I couldn't. I talked to A the next day and he asked me where do we go from here. I said I didn't know. I clearly had no intentions of leaving my husband...losing my family and my life for the 'unknown", but I did not want to hurt A's feelings. We continued to talk and text and see each other up until we moved out of town.

 

I was thankful for the move bc things could have really gotten out of control. I refrained from talking and texting A for three weeks, but I missed him...our talks and his voice. I texted him and we continue to talk and text each other to this day. I also see when I go back to visit, but we have only been intimate once. It's been over a year. Now there's a possibility that we will be moving back due to another promotion.

 

I am worried that things will develop between A and I by us being in the same city. I think that I love him, but I also love and am still in love with my husband. I know that I am being selfish, but I want to be with my husband and I also want A in my life.....if only as a friend. I am very confused and not sure what to do. I cannot let my husband EVER find out. I do not want him to feel the hurt and pain that I felt and at the same token, I do not want to say goodbye for good to A.....

[bentnotbroken]

I am a married woman. Married close to 20 yrs. I truly love my husband, our children and the life that we have built together. Ten years ago I discovered that my husband had been in an outside relationship with another woman for over a year. I was devastated and did not know what to do...even contemplated divorce, but loved him so much could not imagine myself without him. We were BEST friends...my everything...my true first love.

 

Over a year ago, I found out that he has been communicating with that woman via social media sites and email. I comforted him and he denied that he had been in contact with her. I asked him several times in hopes that he would come clean and we could talk it out b/c I printed put the messages (he does not know that). He continued to lie and deny. Also just to back up a little further, ny husband has carried on with other women casually i suspect, but I never had hard core evidence just intercepted messages, texts and voice mails over the years and just dismissed it as flirting, but deep down I know here was more to it.

 

Long story short.... the week after i confronted him about being in contact with the woman he had an affair with, I was suppose to meet up with a girlfriend for drinks, but was stood up at the bar. I stayed with the intentions of having one drink. I had a few as I had a lot on my mind. Meanwhile, a guy at the bar offered me a drink. I kindly turned him down and he got a little aggressive. So out of no where, another guy who i did not know came up behind me and said sorry it took me so long to get here baby and introduced himself to the aggressive guy as if he was my man. I played along and the aggressive guy left me alone. I thanked him for saving me.

 

He introduced himself to me and we began to chat. He asked what I was doing out alone? I told him about being stood up by my girlfriend. He mentioned that he sees me in the particular bar with my husband all the time. I explained to him that he was traveling for business. He asked if I was ok, bc I seemed a little down. I told him I was fine. After some time, I got up from the bar stool and damn near tripped. Didn't realize that i had drank as much as I did. He asked how I was getting home. I said that I would be driving myself home. He said he didn't think that would be a good idea. I insisted that I was fine and proceeded to my car. He followed me and asked if he could drive me home. I said no. Then he asked if he could call a cab or if I could call a friend. I said no. He said well, can we talk for a little bit. I agreed and invited him in my car. We small taled and he was very complementary. He mentioned that if he was married to me, he would not want me out of his sight. I said sure....you'd get bored and want something different too.....just like he did. He asked me to repeat myself and before I knew it...we were in a full fledged convo about my cheating husband. I was in tears. He listened....I talked to him for hours like I knew him my whole life. Before I knew it the sun was up and I was sober. I said that I needed to get home. He took my phone and put his number in my phone and asked me to call when I made it home. I went straight to sleep and called him several hours later. We talked for 3 hours non stop. We talked/texted/met up with each other for months.

 

Shortly after I started this friendship, my husband informed me that he was being promoted and we were moving out of state. That crushed me as I had become really attached to 'A' is what I will call him. I informed A of the move. He was saddened by my news. We continued to communicate and see each other. We were extremely attracted to each other, but had not acted on our attraction. One week my husband was traveling for a week. A texted me one night and asked me what i was doing. I replied thinking about you. He said I wish i could see you.....I said you can if you proper;y extend me an invitation. He asked if my husband was traveling. I said yes. He asked me to come over. I agreed. He was very hospitably and a complete gentleman. He sat on one end of the couch and I sat on the other talked and watch TV. He offered me wine. When he brought it to me. I asked him to sit next to me. He did. I don't recall having a sip of wine. As soon as he sat down, he put his arm around me. That felt soo good to me. I leaned in and kissed him. It was so passionate and so different. Before I knew it, I was undressing him. One thing led to another and it was absolutely amazing. We slept for a couple hours. I woke up..he slept. I got dressed and kissed him goodbye. He grabbed my hand and asked me to stay. I said that I shouldn't. He asked me again. I said no. He walked me to my car and kissed me goodbye.

 

I had mixed feeling on my drive home. A called and called my phone several times, but I did not answer. I went home, showered and attempted to go to sleep, but I couldn't. I talked to A the next day and he asked me where do we go from here. I said I didn't know. I clearly had no intentions of leaving my husband...losing my family and my life for the 'unknown", but I did not want to hurt A's feelings. We continued to talk and text and see each other up until we moved out of town.

 

I was thankful for the move bc things could have really gotten out of control. I refrained from talking and texting A for three weeks, but I missed him...our talks and his voice. I texted him and we continue to talk and text each other to this day. I also see when I go back to visit, but we have only been intimate once. It's been over a year. Now there's a possibility that we will be moving back due to another promotion.

 

I am worried that things will develop between A and I by us being in the same city. I think that I love him, but I also love and am still in love with my husband. I know that I am being selfish, but I want to be with my husband and I also want A in my life.....if only as a friend. I am very confused and not sure what to do. I cannot let my husband EVER find out. I do not want him to feel the hurt and pain that I felt and at the same token, I do not want to say goodbye for good to A.....

 

 

What are you looking for? So you think you should have never found out there was a 3 party in your marriage? Do you think it was right for your H to make decisions about your life without your knowledge? Why not tell your H to do whatever he is going to do and you do your thing? Many people have open marriages. That way everyone is on the up and up and there is no need to lose either male.

[NotCamelot]

Scorned 70, I really feel bad for you. Emotions are a terrible burden to bear. Sometimes I wish we did not have them.

 

However, we do. And you have let them get the best of you.

 

You crossed a line. It can't be undone. You also can't "have your cake and eat it too". You have put yourself into the position of choosing either your husband or your affair partner. Yep....you will have to choose one.

 

You also have the option of telling your husband what you found out about him and also what you have done. Then you have to take what comes back at you. He may leave or tell you to leave and you have to be prepared for either. But do you keep living a lie?

 

And doesn't he deserve to know what you know? If you really love him as you say, honesty is what you owe him. Just as you would not want to share him with another woman, I'm sure he doesn't want to share you with another man.

 

Put yourself in your husbands shoes. What would you want if you were him?

[BetrayedH]

You and your H need to have a seriously honest conversation. He's busted; you're busted. Where do we want to go from here?

 

Or go further into the rabbit hole.

[TaraMaiden]

 

I am worried that things will develop between A and I by us being in the same city. I think that I love him, but I also love and am still in love with my husband. I know that I am being selfish, but I want to be with my husband and I also want A in my life.....if only as a friend. I am very confused and not sure what to do. I cannot let my husband EVER find out. I do not want him to feel the hurt and pain that I felt and at the same token, I do not want to say goodbye for good to A.....

 

I'm sorry, this sounds like a Mills & Boon novel, where the heroine maintains her virtue inspite of very good reasons not to, and inspite of having temptation lying in her lap...

 

The sad thing is, you're what's known as a cake eater.

 

You want this - but you also want that.

 

Your husband has the advantage in that you let him get away with it, inspite of exposure, and even now he's lying to you....

 

But in all of this - it still doesn't entitle you to play him at his game.

 

If you really want to complete the M&B heroine character - tell your H you want a divorce, and tell him you're fed up with his philandering ways.

but tell him also that there is more out there for you, and that you release you both to be at liberty to explore the lives you've chosen, with no further deceit or guilt trip.

 

I don't know how old your kids are - but this happens.

And life goes on.

making the 'ultimate sacrifice' to stay with your H will get you downtrodden, and thanked by nobody.

it's what wives are. Married.

So, where's the sacrifice?

But turfing him out without being completely honest is underhand and deceitful.

 

Honey, it's a tough line to have to walk, but you have your choices, and nobody gets an easy exit in this, whatever happens.

[road]

Scorned, you need to get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

 

Read the book then you will know why you have to end this affair.

You will know about exposure.

NC.

Stay away from where the OM lives.

Confess to your BH.

Confront your WH.

Block OM from being abole to contact you.

[Bryanp]

I think you should be honest. When you say you want to keep A as a friend really means you want to be able to have sex with him and also your husband without your husband finding out. Have you gotten tested for STD's?

[Mr. Lucky]

You will know about exposure.

NC.

Stay away from where the OM lives.

Confess to your BH.

Confront your WH.

Block OM from being abole to contact you.

scorned_70, this advice is your only realistic chance to save your marriage.

 

But reading your post, despite all your declarations that you "truly love my husband" and "we were BEST friends...my everything...my true first love", it's clear that you don't really want what's best for your marriage, you want what's best for you.

 

See the difference ???

 

Mr. Lucky