Whole bunch of problems...

[ohiodude]

All right I found this wonderful forum on a Google search "self centered wife" and read for about 5 hours now...what a ton of great info here.

 

Here's my problem. I love my life, my 4 young kids, and my wife. But here are the things that have been building up and I can't stand it anymore. I don't know what to do.

 

1. My wife never stops talking about herself, her job, etc. If I say something as simple as "I'm going to get food at the grocery store" she'll turn it into a 30 minute conversation about herself. There is no two way communication. It's like she doesn't even hear me and just keeps talking about herself. Then when I bring it up she says all I do is talk about myself...which I don't trust me on this I usually give up and just sit there silent until it ends lol.

 

2. We have sex like two - three times a month if that. She gets all crazed right before her period which makes us fight for a week (we usually don't even talk...we're in that moment right now) and then she is on her period and she ignores me for the most part during that week. I've tried to bring this pattern up to her and she either does one of two things. She either forces me to have sex right then and there just to stop talking about it or argues that we have sex all the time I just don't see it.

 

3. She is Catholic (don't kill me here I don't know if this has anything to do with it...I am assuming) and she is totally embarrassed by sex. Like she'll occasionally say "do you want to do "something" tonight?" And by something sometimes she means sex, I think, who knows, she won't elaborate just yell at me like I am supposed this know this code. I'll go down on her for 30-40 minutes until she relaxes. Sometimes she never does relax. The entire time she lays there stiff as a board with a pillow over her face. We were married like 5 years and I asked for a blow job and she cried just to give you an idea where we are coming from here.

 

4. She does sales for a living and is constantly catching me in the bait and switch. Like she'll promise "something" after a night out and that is all I am thinking about all night then when we get home she'll be sleeping before we know it. Or she'll say let's just do it in the morning and it never happens. When I say something she'll blame me for the entire thing. I can't even predict the excuses anymore. You know that scene in the Peanuts cartoon where Patty holds the football for Charlie and when he goes to kick it she makes him fall by abusing his trust but he keeps coming back every show? I feel like that is my entire life.

 

I am a pretty reasonable guy. I have a pretty successful business and people tell me I am level headed all the time so, even in the love, I am trying to keep it together and weigh this out. I am know I am not perfect and this is only one side of the story but every time I try to communicate all she does is want to yell and win making my points invalid. Or she'll pout until I say I am sorry for bringing this up.

 

I'm rambling now...I feel hopeless here. Let me know what you think you guys seems to have well thought out ideas on relationships. Thanks.

[TigerCub]

I'm confused....because she must have been self centered, catholic and not so into sex before you married her - so why are you surprised now?

 

Better yet - why did you marry her in the first place?

 

If you knew these things about her before marriage - then by proposing and marrying her, you imply that you accept her as she is - so to want her to change all that now, seems a bit unfair.

Don't get me wrong, all those things you listed, don't sound good, and I wouldn't want to deal with them ,but if you knew them and accepted them, then that's kind of on you.

 

Would she be willing to go to marriage councelling - at least to learn to communicate better? That's the only thing I can suggest.

Edited January 17, 2013 by TigerCub

[JamesM]

I'm confused....because she must have been self centered, catholic and not so into sex before you married her - so why are you surprised now?

 

Better yet - why did you marry her in the first place?

 

This was my thought, too, as I read your story.

 

Did she change after you were married?

 

Sometimes what we think of as strengths before marriage turn out to be irritations after we are married.

[ohiodude]

I just didn't realize any of this stuff when we were dating. Plus she is pretty hot, and used to be really cool to hang out with. So I guess that is why we got married. Obviously hindsight is 20/20 and now I see things that were red flags but I was young and didn't realize it.

 

Now that we've been married for 12 years all these things have festered to where I can't stand it. She insisted on waiting to have sex until we were married which I agreed to and promised copious amounts of raucous sex after marriage. I feel like this was the first bait & switch because now, not so much. But yeah, you guys are right, it's my problem to deal with. And she will only agree to go to counseling if it is with the preist and I know the first thing she is going to do is walk in there and make me look like a sex fiend. I could care less about religious points of view etc. I am down with whatever I just want a best friend to have fun with.

[TigerCub]

I just didn't realize any of this stuff when we were dating. Plus she is pretty hot, and used to be really cool to hang out with. So I guess that is why we got married. Obviously hindsight is 20/20 and now I see things that were red flags but I was young and didn't realize it.

 

Now that we've been married for 12 years all these things have festered to where I can't stand it. She insisted on waiting to have sex until we were married which I agreed to and promised copious amounts of raucous sex after marriage. I feel like this was the first bait & switch because now, not so much. But yeah, you guys are right, it's my problem to deal with. And she will only agree to go to counseling if it is with the preist and I know the first thing she is going to do is walk in there and make me look like a sex fiend. I could care less about religious points of view etc. I am down with whatever I just want a best friend to have fun with.

 

hmmmm, I think a lot of people make the same mistake you did and just marry someone before really knowing a lot of the important compatibility things before hand.

 

Anyways...ok, so now she will only go to counseling if its with a priest.

Fine. Its not the ideal situation, but its a start.

I think you should go - but not about the sex issue at first - I think you should bring up the miscommunication first and work on talking and listening to one another better and learn how to communicate better.

 

Tackle that problem first.

Then, if you see any kind of improvement or that the priest is helping, then address the sex issue. I don't much about what Catholicism says, but I always assumed that it somewhere said that a wife must satisfy her husband or something to that extent. So if it does, you can use religion to your benefit just like she is.

 

But in all truth, though, do you want your wife to just sleep with you to shut you up, or so you want her to want you and want sex?

 

I wouldn't want pity sex and I wouldn't want someone that doesn't want me, so....I'm sorry, but if she doesn't like sex, that may never change.

 

Have you ever told her how unhappy all these issues make you?

[TaraMaiden]

When Religion gets in the way and acts as a handicap to a relationship, you're going to have a hell of a fight on your hands....

 

Tell her you agree to Priestly counselling - but then ask him if he will also see the both of you privately.

(I predict, however, that this will make her run backwards faster than Usain Bolt running 100 metres forwards...)

 

Her pillow over her head is a clear sign that sexually, she is repressed, stunted and extremely inhibited....

 

Finding the problem, will not be the same as finding the remedy.

 

First, you will have to get her to agree that there IS a problem.

Then, secondly, you will have to get her to agree that if you are willing to 'own' yours - she must also listen, be reasonable - and 'own' hers.

 

Thirdly:

 

She has to absolutely, 100% really want to do something about it.

 

She has to be as 'on board' as you are, in agreement that there are serious issues, you BOTH have to work on them, and you BOTH have to take equal share in the Responsibility of making this marriage work.

 

Do you have children?

[ohiodude]

Few answers:

 

1. Yeah, we have 4 kids - they are all awesome. I look forward to seeing them develop & hanging with them every day. Oldest is 10 about to be 11.

 

2. The thought of going to a priest makes me want to pluck out my eyes. I can't think of any worse scenario but if that is my only choice then I'll do it. The suggestion to see individually is genius. I like that and can handle that. Individual counseling seems like something I would be more comfortable with.

 

3. I've told her many times we need to figure this stuff out because it isn't that I am an unhappy person it is that we could be happier together. I hate to sound like a crybaby I just want to keep it positive, know what I mean? Then she either makes me seem like a selfish prick or argues until I give up.

 

4. I forgot to mention a HUGE problem that is about to be a deal breaker on the entire relationship. She lies. Or maybe they aren't intentional lies but she isn't truthful which is the same thing to me. Like for example after all this waiting to have sex until we are married it is our wedding night, I am going bonkers in my mind ready to dive in and go nuts. We get back to our house and she tells me her feet hurt and she is tired and just wants to go to bed. Dude, I didn't sleep all night I was like what in the hell did I just get into... I remember it like it was two minutes ago. It was traumatic for me. I freaked in my mind. Whenever I bring it up as an example she claims that she can't remember what happened that night. And since she can't remember it isn't an example I can use. Talk about frustration. This priest has known her since she was in grade school there. Yes, he is our only option. And I am afraid he is going to treat me like the big bad wolf because of her stories or lack of truth. It takes a strong person to not take sides...I don't know how these guys do it.

[TaraMaiden]

I heard a good line in a movie once.... one actor, said,

"Do you believe me?"

The other (a former Stasi Agent) replied,

"You can always tell when a person is lying because after a while, with persistent questioning, they change their story. A person telling the truth, will always tell the truth."

 

Simply because she (claims that she) doesn't remember it, doesn't mean your memory is faulty - and if your sex life within the marriage is anything to go by, you're more likely to be accurate than she is.

You're going to have to ask the priest - very first thing, when you are facing him on your own -

 

 

"I know you've known *wife's name* for a very long time. Can you in all honesty assure me that you can put that acquaintance aside and discuss this matter with us, impartially? It's convoluted, and my wife insisted the only form of counselling she would be willing to go through, was with you.

 

I'll be honest with you - I'm distinctly UNcomfortable; firstly discussing marital sexual issues with a celibate priest is just an anathema to me - secondly, it will make her extremely embarrassed and withdrawn, particularly as she knows you so well, but unfortunately, our sex life is one of the major issues I feel should be addressed.

How confident are you that you can see this through from beginning to end - without feeling sided with one party or the other?

 

I need to know all this before we begin.

We have children, and I desperately want to feel this is remediable. But I cannot enter into any form of counselling with you, if there are going to be issues that bring us all to loggerheads. "

 

Is all I can suggest as an approach.....

[TigerCub]

4. I forgot to mention a HUGE problem that is about to be a deal breaker on the entire relationship. She lies. Or maybe they aren't intentional lies but she isn't truthful which is the same thing to me. Like for example after all this waiting to have sex until we are married it is our wedding night, I am going bonkers in my mind ready to dive in and go nuts. We get back to our house and she tells me her feet hurt and she is tired and just wants to go to bed. Dude, I didn't sleep all night I was like what in the hell did I just get into... I remember it like it was two minutes ago. It was traumatic for me. I freaked in my mind. Whenever I bring it up as an example she claims that she can't remember what happened that night. And since she can't remember it isn't an example I can use. Talk about frustration. This priest has known her since she was in grade school there. Yes, he is our only option. And I am afraid he is going to treat me like the big bad wolf because of her stories or lack of truth. It takes a strong person to not take sides...I don't know how these guys do it.

 

I had a few friends tell me that they didn't have sex the night of their wedding and it wasn't a sex issue - it was because the wedding is exhausting and by the end of the whole hoopla they didn't have it in them to want to do it.

 

I thought that was OMG crazy when I heard it at first, and i thought it was so unromantic and all that - but the people I'm talking about have already been with their partners so it wasn't the hugest of deals, and they made up for that one night throughout their honeymoon and after.. so its not the hugest deal, now that I consider all that.

 

I think that panic you felt was because you started to realize what you got into. You felt that fear and that panic because she never had sex with you before the marriage and you were worried that what happened on the wedding night was an indication of what your future would be like - and...sadly, it is.

 

overall though, do you feel like you can trust her or not?

Would you worry if she leaves the house, and who she talks to and what she's doing when you're not around?

 

Do you feel like she's secretive and keeping things from you?

 

As for "lying" about the wedding night - she's most likely just trying to get you off that incident. And it happened 12 years ago, you can't keep throwing that in her face.

 

You do have legitimate issues with your wife, but in all honesty you need to pick your battles and focus, you're only harming your own cause when you bring up things from 12 years ago - that does make you look like the crybaby that you don't want to come off looking like.

Edited January 17, 2013 by TigerCub

[CarboniteCammy]

I think that therapy sessions would really benefit you in your situation. That way, you can get a better perspective on what is occuring during communication.

[ohiodude]

Ha, yeah, I know I seem all over the place. What is funny is that in normal work life I can comprehend this no problem and weigh everything out 50/50 and make reasonable decisions. As soon as it comes to love life I am scattered.

 

I highly doubt she is cheating on me. We do have an understanding that going outside of the marriage just isn't for us. Sometimes I think she takes that for granted. Plus I feel sorry for whoever that guy is if she is.

 

I'll try to say something again tonight but I know I am in for a long night if I do.

[youdunsay]

You know what? I find both of you are really cute. I guess that's how couples communicate with each other isn't it? Take it easy.

[TaraMaiden]

You know what? I find both of you are really cute. I guess that's how couples communicate with each other isn't it? Take it easy.

 

 

...WTF.....?? :confused:

[youdunsay]

Alright, maybe it's more on how she express her feelings. You can try to encourage her to be more expressive and less on talking the details about herself and work.

[Mr. Lucky]

2. The thought of going to a priest makes me want to pluck out my eyes. I can't think of any worse scenario but if that is my only choice then I'll do it. The suggestion to see individually is genius. I like that and can handle that. Individual counseling seems like something I would be more comfortable with.

You might be pleasantly surprised by the counseling options within the church as they've made much progress in this area. Most priests are also quick to refer couples that need specialized help. Their goal is to keep you married and they've actually come to recognize the role a healthy sex life plays in promoting that concept...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sLiPpeTh]

Everything the OP posted is perfectly normal. That's what marriage aka mirage simply is.