My Journal - Finding a path back to me

[ScienceGal]

Thanks, moontiger.

 

I feel very strange. I'm not sad about ex, but I am very sad about losing my dad. It's a different pain than I've ever felt, which makes sense since it's a different kind of loss. I've have a mild stomach ache and chest ache for the past four days. I can't sleep for more than an hour without waking up. I don't ever want to get out of bed, but I force myself to. I'm thinking a lot about life and mortality. About what I should be doing with my time.

 

I know it will be ok if I just stay away from ex. The immature/ inexperienced aspect doesn't even factor in anymore. I used to feel bad for him and think that he was a truly good person who just needed patience, but I don't think that anymore. He is a liar who truly lacks character and integrity, and that's not going to change anytime soon.

 

I'm busy with work and school and have made plans for this weekend and next, so I won't be moping around too much. I really need positive things around me right now, so that's what I am focusing on.

 

I hope you've been well.

[ScienceGal]

It's been two weeks since dad's funeral. Time seems to be passing quickly.

 

I went out Friday night to places I haven't been in a year and a half (since the horrible split with the ex that brought me to LS). It was the first time that I didn't feel awkward, and I wasn't worried if I ran into him. I saw several people that I'd met through him and they remembered me and started talking to me. This may sound strange, but I felt like my own person, which is something I never felt with him. I carried a smile all night and I felt strong. It was a great feeling. He doesn't own me, and he certainly doesn't own those places or those people. I have a right to be there too, and I'm finally emotionally ready to be present (even if I'm alone!) and even face him if I have to.

 

I went to a local event last night with friends and saw a couple other people that I hadn't seen in a while. One woman seemed genuinely thrilled to see me, she stopped me as I was walking by, gave me a hug, and asked what I had been up to. I feel like I've been a ghost in this town, but not anymore. I'm ready to get back on the scene and play a larger role in community events

 

I've also learned that dating will not be a problem. I've been asked out several times already. The problem is doing what's best for me, and being able to relay it to potential dates. I don't mind going out, but I am not looking to settle into a relationship at this moment. I really need this time to be alone and with friends. I need to learn to be happy single. When I am ready, I want to make better choices than I have in the past.

[Art_Critic]

I just saw this thread... SG.. I'm so sorry for your loss. you are a really strong woman... super big **Hugz**

 

I'm so glad that you are dealing with the BU better today... **** Hugz****

 

I've got a container full of Dove Dark... if you'd like a piece

[ScienceGal]

 

I've got a container full of Dove Dark... if you'd like a piece

 

Yes, please! And, thank you.

 

Someone told me the other day that suffering is a motivator. In my current situation, it's true. No where to go but onward and outward

[Art_Critic]

Yes, please! And, thank you.

 

Someone told me the other day that suffering is a motivator. In my current situation, it's true. No where to go but onward and outward

 

Here.. have a Dove Dark ....

 

You will have your Dad by your side as you grow..

You will be fine, the next guy that will trip your trigger is around the corner, I promise....

[Minnie09]

Hi SG,

 

First of all: sorry about your loss. Your father was loved by you, and that's what he takes with him wherever he may go.

 

As far as your ex is concerned, it seems that you both don't want to commit to reconciling without being 100% sure that the other one's all in. He's dropping you hints that you only respond to in parts, but not fully, and you do the same thing to him. You want to work it out, of he gives you a guarantee that he's all in, and he doesn't want to do that. You're both cautious. I don't know what the issues were during your R, I'm assuming OW, emotional cheating? That's a big deal IMO, and you're right in being cautious. Have you ever discussed IC combined with mc? Ideally with one and the same counselor, so they know both povs and can try to combine that knowledge in mc sessions. Question is what do YOU want? You're the most important factor in that equation, and once you've figured it out, you can walk that path. I don't think it's too late. I don't think either of you is done with the R. Sure, changes are needed, but you're both not done with each other.*

 

Are there any kids? How long have you been together?

[ScienceGal]

The issues during the R were we have different relationship experiences, and therefore different behaviors and expectations. I have well established boundaries that make it impossible for another man to get physically or emotionally close to me. I don't play that game, and I expect the same from my partner. Unfortunately, he (being more immature/inexperienced) can't be alone. He was always talking about our relationship to other women and gave at least one of them the impression he wanted more than friendship. Also, I am a planner/doer and he is more reactionary. Meaning, I will work for what I want in order to get it, while he feels he'll get something and then work to keep it. I didn't see any hope of moving in together or planning a life with someone who lives day to day and only thinks of himself. Lastly, he is depressed/heavy drinker and he dragged me down with him for quite a while.

 

We were together for about a year. No kids, and no longer any willingness on my part to reconcile. Haven't spoken to him in 2 weeks. Not sure how he feels, and don't care. Several days after we split he was with someone new, then left her to be with me when my dad passed. He told me he wanted to reconcile, but he was still talking to her as a "friend" and lying to me about it. He's lost my respect at this point. I wish him well and want him to find happiness, but I also hope he stops hurting people along the way with his recklessness. I told him he should get counseling, but I doubt he will. Some people don't want to be helped, they just want to get away with acting however they feel in the moment. Selfishness with a complete lack of integrity.

 

What I want is to move on and be happy alone for a while, and then open myself up to someone new.

Edited February 24, 2013 by ScienceGal

[moontiger]

Proud of you, SG. You have a great attitude and under the circumstances it sounds like you're doing awesome.

 

I'm glad you get asked out a lot, so that you at least know you have opportunities when you feel ready.

[ScienceGal]

Things have been, well... calm on the emotional front, which is good. Kind of an eerie calm though, the type where I am wondering what I am truly feeling at all. Am I really ok? I haven't cried in a couple weeks. Drove by ex's work and saw his car today, zero feelings. It's been a month since I spoke to him, maybe longer, I've stopped keeping track and don't care to think back for the purpose of calculating. I miss my dad, but I don't care to look back at that either. I just can't. Perhaps I've numbed out for a while, at least on some level. Not completely though. I still feel wonder and curiosity. I tune into my life like a good movie, excited about what kind of characters will emerge, and what will happen next. But letting it unfold, letting the uncertainties play out, and always hoping the ending will be good, and happy.

 

I went on a date this week. He is very sweet, though I think not for me. One big issue is scheduling differences. I want someone I can go out and do things with, and that isn't going to happen with this guy. I'm glad I went though. I'll keep dating when eligible men ask me out, and I won't when they don't.

 

Staying busy with work and studies. Listening to new music. Trying to be in the moment. Laughing more. Sleeping well, for the most part.

Edited March 16, 2013 by ScienceGal

[ScienceGal]

I've been very busy with work and school, but for the most part I am content. I might even be extremely happy if I weren't so tired! Things calm down for me in a couple weeks, and when I can get some quality rest I know that I will feel even better.

 

Maintaining NC with the ex, and zero desire to have any. I've been dating someone for the past month and things are going well. It's still so new that there are the inevitable twinges of anxiety and over thinking, both of which I am prone to at this stage. But, overall I feel pretty good. I'm just relaxing and seeing where it goes, while still maintaining focus on my personal life and goals. I'm continuing to build friendships and connections that bring positive energies into my life.

 

I'm far from perfect, but I'm definitely on a better path.

[iouaname]

Glad you're doing well! I remember that your story was one of the tougher ones and it's inspiring to see how well you've picked yourself up.

[i.am]

Hi, ScienceGal. I've fallen in love with your journals. Your ex sound so much similar to mine. Mind telling me more?

[ScienceGal]

Hi, ScienceGal. I've fallen in love with your journals. Your ex sound so much similar to mine. Mind telling me more?

 

I'm not sure what you would like to know. I've written a couple threads about him. Nice guy, meant well, but not looking for the kind of relationship I was. I just read some of my past threads and it's sad to see how confused and desperate I was, how scared I was. I loved many things about him, but I didn't love him the way I want to love the man I'll be with for the rest of my life. The relationship had no foundation, no strength. It was a very freeing moment for me when I smiled and let it all go, for good. I chalk it up to more life experience, and am grateful for the good times. And, I wish him all the happiness in the world.

 

These days I am more focused on my happiness, and showing love to those around me. I'm participating in things that bring me joy, and avoiding what doesn't. I'm seeing how my new relationship plays into my happiness. So far, so good. The openness, honesty, chemistry, it's all so very wonderful. And, I respect him a great deal. And most importantly, I trust him completely. So, I'm putting my heart out there and taking it one day at a time. I'm hoping it continues to grow and become the kind of relationship I've always dreamed of. But, if it doesn't work, if it all ends tomorrow, I will be just fine.

 

Losing my dad launched me into a realm where I am processing loss in a very different way. I'm learning to accept loss by seeing and appreciating the beauty in all that came before it. It's so sad to lose someone, because it was so beautiful and wonderful to have them. I appreciate the moments I had, and I let the rest go, with a smile. Knowing each time that there will be more, of the greatness and the heartache. I can't change that. Best I can do is make choices that bring me the most love and joy.

 

I realize that I just rambled a bit, but... this is my journal

Edited April 21, 2013 by ScienceGal

[cavalier99]

Hey Sciencegal! Glad your doing well. wow that is awsome that you are dating! Me too. It looks like I might be in new RS. Took me 6 months to get indifferent and then boom the women were all over me. I love the "BU after the BU" so liberating.

 

Not sure how I feel about it. I was just getting used to being happy single. Anyway cant complain. The new girl is 6 years younger, hotter than the EX and super fun. great personality ecetera. she also teache dance and has great body. Im getting sucked in fast and she seems to love me to death already.

 

Thanks for all your help a few months ago. Im so glad i didnt reach out. Still havent. keep on keeping on! Rock on! Cav

[ScienceGal]

Hey Cav!

 

I think it's ok to be unsure about dating, as long as you're being honest and upfront while you figure it out. And, be careful. Don't get invested for the wrong reasons.

 

Whatever it amounts to, I'm sure it feels good to move on!

[cavalier99]

Hey Cav!

 

I think it's ok to be unsure about dating, as long as you're being honest and upfront while you figure it out. And, be careful. Don't get invested for the wrong reasons.

 

Whatever it amounts to, I'm sure it feels good to move on!

 

Ha h*ll yeah it feels good to move on!

 

Its just so weird after months if suffering and crying ecetera for it just to end. We get so attached to the pain that it becomes normal.

 

Then sorta out of nowhere it seems to be over. Im not even sure now if i could go back to being upset over the ex ....and the new girl has just accelerated this process. Stay in touch! Your awesome! Cav

[ScienceGal]

They say life will face you with a challenge over and over again until you learn the lesson. I'm back here, typing through tears and loneliness because I just don't ever learn the goddamn lesson. I get set out on a new path, but soon fall right back into my old ways. I'm stubborn and ruled by my heart. It's so terrible, I can't even feel bad for myself anymore.

 

I just had a 6 month relationship with someone I dated before. He said he was ready this time, and that he would "show me" things could be different. What he was showing, wasn't at all what I expected. And as time went on, I felt confused and disappointed. We have very different communication styles, and began fighting frequently. It just couldn't go on. We ended with a 3 hour telephone call where we both cried and desperately wanted to think of a way to fix it. But, we just couldn't. God, this is the worst. Two people who love one another and want so much to be together, but lack key parts of compatibility. My heart is on fire.

 

I know there is nothing I can do. Except cry, and let time pass.

Edited September 15, 2013 by ScienceGal

[cavalier99]

Hey! Sorry about the RS. Mine might be going down the drain also. Same deal. Communication stuff. Rock on! Cav

[myothernic2]

They say life will face you with a challenge over and over again until you learn the lesson. I'm back here, typing through tears and loneliness because I just don't ever learn the goddamn lesson. I get set out on a new path, but soon fall right back into my old ways. I'm stubborn and ruled by my heart. It's so terrible, I can't even feel bad for myself anymore.

 

I just had a 6 month relationship with someone I dated before. He said he was ready this time, and that he would "show me" things could be different. What he was showing, wasn't at all what I expected. And as time went on, I felt confused and disappointed. We have very different communication styles, and began fighting frequently. It just couldn't go on. We ended with a 3 hour telephone call where we both cried and desperately wanted to think of a way to fix it. But, we just couldn't. God, this is the worst. Two people who love one another and want so much to be together, but lack key parts of compatibility. My heart is on fire.

 

I know there is nothing I can do. Except cry, and let time pass.

 

The communication differences really put a strain on relationships! I'm curious, what types of communication differences did you have? Why is it unsalvageable?

[ScienceGal]

He is an external processor, meaning that he works things out by talking about them. I am an internal processor, and need time to think and reflect. Conversation pace is fast for him, and more relaxed and slow for me. He would often be sharp with is words and say things like “so, what are you trying to say?” It would catch me off guard because I am not used to being spoken to like that. I threw it back at him once with “so, what’s your point!?” I immediately felt awful and realized I don’t want to speak to him that way, and I don’t want to be spoken to that way. It didn’t faze him to be spoken to like that.

 

Conversation topics. He is frequently wanting to talk about politics and social injustices, past and present. It’s overwhelming. I want to talk about life and love, about family, about happiness. I’m not advocating ignorance, but enough is enough. I mentioned that he should find a cause or twothat matters the most to him and focus his energy on them, and on a local level where he could get involved

 

The depth of conversations. I am ok keeping things pretty light, unless it’s an important issue. And even the simplest of topics would often seem so involved and heavy. For example, I couldn’t just say that I enjoyed a concert or movie. He would want to know specifically what I liked or didn’t like.

 

General energy. He is always stressed about something, has back problems, and sleep problems. I feel like he carries the weight of the world on his shoulders sometimes. We both work full time, go to school, and exercise regularly, but at the end of the day I want to relax and feel accomplished, not focus on how “blah” I feel. I tried to get him to find a way to relax, he said he’d try yoga. I offered to help him look into ways to sleep better (he takes sleeping pills and they don’t seem to work very well). I bought him new pillows as a start. He’s a ball of stress, and it stressed me out at times.

 

Giving space. When someone tells me they don’t want to talk about something, I tell them it’s ok and that I am here if they decide they want to. Then, I back off. He wants to know the “why” behind someone not wanting to talk about it. This applies to someone being nervous about doing something too. I wouldn’t push them, he would.

 

Lies. He is honest to a fault, and it hurt my feelings sometimes. I don’t see the big deal with an occasional white lie to spare someone’s feelings. We went out to dinner once and he really enjoyed it. I said I liked it, but really wasn’t sure. It was sushi, and I was still warming up to the idea of it. I remember him saying “if you’re going to lie about liking sushi, what else will you lie about!” Really? I actually like salmon and tuna sushi quite a bit now.

 

Security. Saying things that make your partner feel safe and secure. He didn’t, and I feel I really deserved more when he came back and told me that he would “show me” things would be better. He spent an entire YEAR wanting to date me again. We had a conversation about certainty once, and it left me feeling awful. He thinks believing there is certainty in anything is delusional. I actually believe that, but the way he explained it was so serious and harsh. I am not talking about lying or making promises you can’t keep, I am talking about working from the positive assumption that the relationship will succeed, while knowing in the back of my mind that it might not.

 

These differences left him feeling unfulfilled and me feeling drained and disappointed. And what I determined was the largest problem for me was lack of gentleness and tenderness from him. The sharpness of his words, combined with the lack of making me feel safe and cared for was just too much. He is a very deep and caring person though, so I couldn't understand the disconnect. I guess the way we love is yet another difference.

 

In my honest opinion, I do not think he is over his previous LTR from a few years ago, which really broke his heart. During our last conversation he apologized for being so hard on me. He acknowledged that he is a hard and difficult person. He cried, and said that he thinks it will be easier for me to find someone.

 

2 weeks today since BU. 9 days NC. Working on letting go of any bits of hope I still have. Making lots of weekend plans with friends and getting back to focusing on myself.

Edited September 24, 2013 by ScienceGal

[myothernic2]

He is an external processor, meaning that he works things out by talking about them. I am an internal processor, and need time to think and reflect. Conversation pace is fast for him, and more relaxed and slow for me. He would often be sharp with is words and say things like “so, what are you trying to say?” It would catch me off guard because I am not used to being spoken to like that. I threw it back at him once with “so, what’s your point!?” I immediately felt awful and realized I don’t want to speak to him that way, and I don’t want to be spoken to that way. It didn’t faze him to be spoken to like that.

 

Conversation topics. He is frequently wanting to talk about politics and social injustices, past and present. It’s overwhelming. I want to talk about life and love, about family, about happiness. I’m not advocating ignorance, but enough is enough. I mentioned that he should find a cause or twothat matters the most to him and focus his energy on them, and on a local level where he could get involved

 

The depth of conversations. I am ok keeping things pretty light, unless it’s an important issue. And even the simplest of topics would often seem so involved and heavy. For example, I couldn’t just say that I enjoyed a concert or movie. He would want to know specifically what I liked or didn’t like.

 

General energy. He is always stressed about something, has back problems, and sleep problems. I feel like he carries the weight of the world on his shoulders sometimes. We both work full time, go to school, and exercise regularly, but at the end of the day I want to relax and feel accomplished, not focus on how “blah” I feel. I tried to get him to find a way to relax, he said he’d try yoga. I offered to help him look into ways to sleep better (he takes sleeping pills and they don’t seem to work very well). I bought him new pillows as a start. He’s a ball of stress, and it stressed me out at times.

 

Giving space. When someone tells me they don’t want to talk about something, I tell them it’s ok and that I am here if they decide they want to. Then, I back off. He wants to know the “why” behind someone not wanting to talk about it. This applies to someone being nervous about doing something too. I wouldn’t push them, he would.

 

Lies. He is honest to a fault, and it hurt my feelings sometimes. I don’t see the big deal with an occasional white lie to spare someone’s feelings. We went out to dinner once and he really enjoyed it. I said I liked it, but really wasn’t sure. It was sushi, and I was still warming up to the idea of it. I remember him saying “if you’re going to lie about liking sushi, what else will you lie about!” Really? I actually like salmon and tuna sushi quite a bit now.

 

Security. Saying things that make your partner feel safe and secure. He didn’t, and I feel I really deserved more when he came back and told me that he would “show me” things would be better. He spent an entire YEAR wanting to date me again. We had a conversation about certainty once, and it left me feeling awful. He thinks believing there is certainty in anything is delusional. I actually believe that, but the way he explained it was so serious and harsh. I am not talking about lying or making promises you can’t keep, I am talking about working from the positive assumption that the relationship will succeed, while knowing in the back of my mind that it might not.

 

These differences left him feeling unfulfilled and me feeling drained and disappointed. And what I determined was the largest problem for me was lack of gentleness and tenderness from him. The sharpness of his words, combined with the lack of making me feel safe and cared for was just too much. He is a very deep and caring person though, so I couldn't understand the disconnect. I guess the way we love is yet another difference.

 

In my honest opinion, I do not think he is over his previous LTR from a few years ago, which really broke his heart. During our last conversation he apologized for being so hard on me. He acknowledged that he is a hard and difficult person. He cried, and said that he thinks it will be easier for me to find someone.

 

2 weeks today since BU. 9 days NC. Working on letting go of any bits of hope I still have. Making lots of weekend plans with friends and getting back to focusing on myself.

 

Wow. The good thing is that you have a very clear, detailed and competent understanding of the differences in which you guy's mind work. I hope that least gives you some comfort as opposed to feeling like it's not working, but not really being able to explain why. I know opposites are supposed to attract but those are a lot of fundamental differences.

[ScienceGal]

Yeah, I've never constructed a list like that. It did help to identify all the differences, but I'm still hurting and feeling a loss. Hopefully a few more weeks will allow the emotions to settle out. I just want to be happy.

[ScienceGal]

Tonight is a hard night for me, I just keep crying. I work about 50 hours a week, take classes part time, and exercise 3-5 days a week. I keep myself so busy that I don't have time to think or feel, and by the time I get home I am so exhausted. But when I walk through the door, sometimes it all hits me, and hard. I wish I had someone. Someone to care for, and who cares for me. Someone genuinely good. I've lived in this particular apartment for two years, alone.

 

During my 20s I had three long term relationships, all leading to living together. My favorite part of a relationship has always been spending the evenings together. Sharing the happenings of our day, and emotions. Laughing, crying, and being pissed off. Or having normal nights of dinner and maybe a movie or tv show. Sitting together, but reading separate books. Spending the night out together, or separately. But ultimately going to sleep next to one another, sex or no sex. There's plenty of time for sex when you're in it for the long haul. It's interesting and sad how often times you have no idea that the last sexual encounter is actually the last time. Would you kiss more deeply and embrace longer? Would you say something especially sweet? What would you do differently?

 

I'm just out of my mind with grief right now. Will I ever get it right? I don't know.

 

I am dying a little inside tonight, the way I've been dying little by little with each failed attempt at love.

Edited September 25, 2013 by ScienceGal

[AnyaNova]

I am sorry that you hurt right now. It is difficult. I also wish I has known that the last time I was going to be intimate with my ex was when it was. I would have savored it so much more.

 

You can, though, move on from him. And it is not too late to find someone.

 

Please don't give up hope.

[ScienceGal]

I am so so angry right now. Anger just might be the worst stage.

Edited September 26, 2013 by ScienceGal