Struggling dudes, can you be OK with no attraction

[OJ loved Nicole]

She'll only stay until she meets what she considers "a better looking version of you". All things remaining equal (other than looks), Brad Pitt walks in the room, you lose.

 

However the playing field isn't necessarily level, she chose you over better looking alternatives for a reason. Keep being yourself, don't lose who you are, never lose your alpha. These are the ways to keep her attracted.

[somedude81]

And again, from a woman's pov, it can be really disappointing that you guys are attracted to SO many women. Sometimes, we'd like you to be more like us, too, and be attracted to us because we were special in some way other than having this or that physical qualities.

So you wish that guys were much more selective in who they were attracted to?

 

Do I need to explain why that is a path to failure for men?

[pbjbear]

So you wish that guys were much more selective in who they were attracted to?

 

Do I need to explain why that is a path to failure for men?

 

Yeah I agree with this.

I wish men were more selective. I have felt with alot of the men I have dated (for at least 3 months) that I wasnt special to them at all. They were guys that were constantly focusing on beauty and found tons of girls attractive. Plus, they acted like they just always needed to have somebody to date, and I was just another girl in their long line of women.

 

If a picky guy chose me, I would feel very flattered.

 

I feel most men in relationships are only in it to fill a void and that the girl they are seeing is really not anything special. I find most men are emotionally detached. I said most men not ALL men. I have pretty much accepted when I get into a relationship, after the novelty wears off I will just be filling a void and not much else.

 

However, men just arent really wired to be picky...99.99% of human existence men needed to spread their seed to ensure survival. Thats not true today in first world industrial countries...but alas, it has only been the past 100 years or so where if your kid dies that is rare and it stands out.

[Els]

In other words, say she's great and cute, but that you charmed her with your smarts and personality. You find out that initially she thought were about as sexually attractive as a platypus.

 

Gotta refine your question, because you're contradicting yourself in your OP. Most people, barring some sort of platypus fetish, find platypuses (platypi?) extremely sexually REPULSIVE. That's a whole different story from simply not being head over heels in lust the first time you meet someone.

 

I can tell you that very few people incite the 'head over heels in lust the first time you see them' feeling in others. Even women. I'm not even sure that's a great basis to start a relationship on. Most LTRs I know who got past the honeymoon phase (say 2+ years) started with both people gradually getting to know each other and falling in love.

 

On the other hand, obviously if the other person finds you repulsive, they're settling for you, and nobody should settle for someone who does that.

[somedude81]

Let me put it in another way.

 

A very picky guy would be attracted to and ask out one woman a year.

 

What is he going to do if that woman rejects him? (Which has about an 80% chance of happening)

[Els]

So you wish that guys were much more selective in who they were attracted to?

 

Do I need to explain why that is a path to failure for men?

 

There are guys in relationships who aren't attracted to many girls, and xxoo is right: For some women, that's a huge plus.

 

I'm sorry if it sounds a bit like a Catch-22. The best advice I can offer is that if you've worked on your life well and learn how to interact with women, that along with selectivity will help you immensely in getting a LTR. Assuming that's what you want. Selectivity is not as contradictory to success as you might believe.

 

Then again, there are also women who don't care that their guy asked out 100 other women before getting them. I can't understand it, but it's a valid perspective, and it also means that the numbers game can work with some women.

[Jefezen]

This question can be addressed in the opposite direction too. Let's say you're a struggling guy who gets approached by a woman below your looks level, to whom you aren't particularly attracted. Would you be okay with pursuing her under the proverbial rationale that beggars can't be choosers?

[somedude81]

There are guys in relationships who aren't attracted to many girls, and xxoo is right: For some women, that's a huge plus.

Those guys must have very good luck to be able to get into a relationship when they are not attracted to many girls.

 

Or they are lying, trying to make their GF feel special.

I'm sorry if it sounds a bit like a Catch-22. The best advice I can offer is that if you've worked on your life well and learn how to interact with women, that along with selectivity will help you immensely in getting a LTR. Assuming that's what you want. Selectivity is not as contradictory to success as you might believe.

 

Then again, there are also women who don't care that their guy asked out 100 other women before getting them. I can't understand it, but it's a valid perspective, and it also means that the numbers game can work with some women.

It's hilarious to be told I should be more selective, while other people (men and women) get on my case for not asking out enough girls.

[pbjbear]

Let me put it in another way.

 

A very picky guy would be attracted to and ask out one woman a year.

 

What is he going to do if that woman rejects him? (Which has about an 80% chance of happening)

 

No, be picky about who you settle in a LTR with

 

Asking out lots of girls is fine...after all not many people will be compatible with you and you have to get to know them

 

Alot of guys I know in LTR's dont think their girlfriends are particularly special...they are just there to fill a void

[somedude81]

No, be picky about who you settle in a LTR with

 

Asking out lots of girls is fine...after all not many people will be compatible with you and you have to get to know them

 

Alot of guys I know in LTR's dont think their girlfriends are particularly special...they are just there to fill a void

Oh that's what you meant.

 

I completely misunderstood.

 

I wasn't talking about LTR's at all.

[Els]

Those guys must have very good luck to be able to get into a relationship when they are not attracted to many girls.

 

Or they are lying, trying to make their GF feel special.

 

Hey, ain't no reason for most of them to lie to me. I don't have that many boyfriends. Admittedly this is in another culture and place. Might be different in the USA, especially in college. I also do agree that precisely because some people have a much higher success rate than others (due to luck or otherwise), they feel capable of being selective. I cannot pretend to know how selective I'd be in your position.

 

It's hilarious to be told I should be more selective, while other people (men and women) get on my case for not asking out enough girls.

 

We're all different, hence we give different advice. I did say many women would think there's nothing wrong with you having asked out hundreds of girls. In fact, I think it might be advisable for YOU, in your individual circumstance, to ask more girls out. I was referring not so much to the numbers, as the reasoning behind them. And I was saying that I get what xxoo means.

[SteveC80]

It can work that way with women, too.

 

In general, we are attracted to individuals, not groups. Not all "hot" guys, not all "average" guys, etc. Just a few out of each group, and often that attraction develops after we get to know them a bit. That doesn't make the attraction any less real or intense.

 

Don't get stuck expecting women should be just like men, and thinking our attraction is less intense simply because it develops a little differently. Appreciate how our attraction works, because it's not changing!

 

And again, from a woman's pov, it can be really disappointing that you guys are attracted to SO many women. Sometimes, we'd like you to be more like us, too, and be attracted to us because we were special in some way other than having this or that physical qualities. But we need to love and accept you guys as you are, or else we'd just be miserable--cause it's not changing!

 

!

 

But youre the same poster who admits to fantasizing about your husbands close friends just to get you turned on for sex with your average looking husband

[AD1980]

I would rather her be into me physically at least a little..Id be kind of bummed if she just tolerated me physically becasue of my other traits..

 

Id think that if she met a guy she clicked with as good as me but was much better looking shes be temptd

[AD1980]

So you wish that guys were much more selective in who they were attracted to?

 

Do I need to explain why that is a path to failure for men?

 

Yeah maybe for very good looking guys they can afford to be picky and only approach women they are heads over heels attracted to on every level because they know the chance of the women reciprocating attraction is very high

 

For us mediocre guys we cant afford to be picky and only go after a select few women were head over heels over because chances any random women is attracted to us as well is pretty low so it has to be a numbers game..

[Bristolius]

Don't "go after a woman because you're head over heels for her." Talk to a woman to find out what she is like.

[pbjbear]

But youre the same poster who admits to fantasizing about your husbands close friends just to get you turned on for sex with your average looking husband

 

 

Men do this all the time...dont rag on her about it

 

I read somewhere that men fantasize about sex with an average of 1 out of every 4 women they look at and if youve been in a relationship with a guy for 2 years, he has most likely thought about ****ing all your semi attractive friends

I do that sometimes but not nearly at that rate

[pbjbear]

Yeah maybe for very good looking guys they can afford to be picky and only approach women they are heads over heels attracted to on every level because they know the chance of the women reciprocating attraction is very high

 

For us mediocre guys we cant afford to be picky and only go after a select few women were head over heels over because chances any random women is attracted to us as well is pretty low so it has to be a numbers game..

 

Yeah I agree- I think this is a big reason why I think so many relationships exist where one person isnt really into the other...most men cannot afford to be picky so they end up settling

[AD1980]

Yeah I agree- I think this is a big reason why I think so many relationships exist where one person isnt really into the other...most men cannot afford to be picky so they end up settling

 

I dont think its about settlign its about first liking what you see physically then s its about seeing if theyres any chemistry or spark and not dismissing someone because the world didnt stop and it was only you two who existed whitin the first few minutes of meeting someone like a scene out of some cheesy romantic comedy..

[Els]

Yeah I agree- I think this is a big reason why I think so many relationships exist where one person isnt really into the other...most men cannot afford to be picky so they end up settling

 

I don't think this is just the fault of the men, tbh. The women must have known one way or the other that he wasn't really into them, unless those men were extreme altruists who thought nothing of investing lots of time and effort into women that they were just settling for. Even the most desperate of men must have given off SOME signs of not being interested, after a few months if not a year... it's impossible that anyone would continually put effort into a R with someone they're not even in love with. But they still 'settled' for that.

[pbjbear]

I dont think its about settlign its about first liking what you see physically then s its about seeing if theyres any chemistry or spark and not dismissing someone because the world didnt stop and it was only you two who existed whitin the first few minutes of meeting someone like a scene out of some cheesy romantic comedy..

 

 

Uhh have you read my posts here? I am not a romantic person at all. No, most men dont have alot of options so they take whatever they can get, and often a relationship means more constant sex, so they get into one for that and then bitch and moan about all the other requirements, or if they dont they arent completely satisfied with their partner and think they can always do better. I think the majority of relationships (especially in people's 20's) the man would gladly leave if he had other options. Most men (thankfully) have enough tact to not make this obvious to their gf, but I work in a place of all men and I am friends with alot of men and the way they talk kind of astounds me...they dont talk that way in front of their gf's and other girls though. and no, these men are not jerks/players/womanizers either! they are normal men! its scary

Edited January 29, 2013 by pbjbear

[pbjbear]

I don't think this is just the fault of the men, tbh. The women must have known one way or the other that he wasn't really into them, unless those men were extreme altruists who thought nothing of investing lots of time and effort into women that they were just settling for. Even the most desperate of men must have given off SOME signs of not being interested, after a few months if not a year... it's impossible that anyone would continually put effort into a R with someone they're not even in love with. But they still 'settled' for that.

 

I see what youre saying, but if a relationship is good overall and there arent big signs, most women will ignore it and will get advice that they are too sensitive. I see it on this forum all the time. A girl wrote the other day after 8 months her boyfriend has rather dramatically stopped texting her but when she sees him things seem fine. Everyone said "youre too clingy insecure blah blah blah" Yeah thats a sign your boyfriend isnt into you and is on his way of mentally checking out of your relationship...I know tons of guys who do this. They act fine when their gf is there because they like having somebody! but no, they arent really into their girlfriend anymore

 

I know several guys with girlfriends that dont put alot of time in, but they most certainly put in enough to keep the girl in a relationship with them. I am pretty sure the guy I dated for the longest amount of time did that to me as well, he just liked having somebody and everytime I complained about anything, made it seem like I was overanalyzing (and it works..."boys will be boys" is a phrase used in SO many different types and phrases) while he was shopping for other women

Edited January 29, 2013 by pbjbear

[Chs]

I think for most women it's a hard cutoff at around the Shia LeBeouf level.

 

After that, they see you as a shapeless piece of meat at best and a Ewok at worst and you have to use your personality to brainwash them into thinking you look like Brad Pitt.

 

 

Man then i must be better looking than i thought. Because i don't find myself more attractive than Shia, yet i know tons of girls that is/have been physically attracted to me without knowing a damn thing about my personality.

 

I think you are reaching with this thread.

[Els]

I see what youre saying, but if a relationship is good overall and there arent big signs, most women will ignore it and will get advice that they are too sensitive. I see it on this forum all the time. A girl wrote the other day after 8 months her boyfriend has rather dramatically stopped texting her but when she sees him things seem fine. Everyone said "youre too clingy insecure blah blah blah" Yeah thats a sign your boyfriend isnt into you and is on his way of mentally checking out of your relationship...I know tons of guys who do this. They act fine when their gf is there because they like having somebody! but no, they arent really into their girlfriend anymore

 

I know several guys with girlfriends that dont put alot of time in, but they most certainly put in enough to keep the girl in a relationship with them. I am pretty sure the guy I dated for the longest amount of time did that to me as well, he just liked having somebody and everytime I complained about anything, made it seem like I was overanalyzing (and it works..."boys will be boys" is a phrase used in SO many different types and phrases) while he was shopping for other women

 

Hm, I definitely agree that it's a tough line to toe. There are some clear-cut cases, and probably some less clear-cut ones. IMO with time, though, most things are made clear, at least to the person herself who knows her circumstances and the context of them (perhaps not so much strangers on LS).

 

I'm generally talking about the women who date these guys for years or even marry them, though. I personally feel that to an extent, these women 'knew', but they themselves just needed someone to fill a void and he was the best they thought they could get.

[pbjbear]

Hm, I definitely agree that it's a tough line to toe. There are some clear-cut cases, and probably some less clear-cut ones. IMO with time, though, most things are made clear, at least to the person herself who knows her circumstances and the context of them (perhaps not so much strangers on LS).

 

I'm generally talking about the women who date these guys for years or even marry them, though. I personally feel that to an extent, these women 'knew', but they themselves just needed someone to fill a void and he was the best they thought they could get.

 

Oh definitely. The clear cut cases yeah, but there are guys that create not-so-clear cases. They are usually the ones that know what they have to do to keep a relationship going

 

Its hard to tell...really experience and maturity are the only ways to get better at it

[xxoo]

So you wish that guys were much more selective in who they were attracted to?

 

Do I need to explain why that is a path to failure for men?

 

No, I don't actually wish that. I accept and appreciate men the way they are.

 

But I'm saying that one isn't necessarily any better or easier to accept than the other. It isn't necessarily easy for women to accept that men are so widely attracted, but we must accept it, because it is what it is and it ain't changing. But it doesn't mean men can't be monogamous and faithful.

 

It isn't easy for you to accept that women are so picky, but you must accept it, because it is what it is and it ain't changing. BUt it doesn't mean that women aren't genuinely attracted when attraction develops later. It isn't some inferior form of attraction. In fact, I'd say it is superior to instant physical attraction, from my own perspective.