headysurrealist Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 Hi forum, I am new here, register to read/give advice and ask you for advice in a sticky situation. I have been going out for 11 months with a girl. Really cute, not stunningly beautiful but cute, arts students, wonderful taste for clothers, culture, cuisine, etc. My huge problem with her is she is extremely passive in almost everything. I realize she might be ok for some men, but all girls I have dated have been very confident, high self-esteem, active girls. I am also on the kinky side of sex (even on the receiving end of some soft BDSM), so I definitely need a confident, uninhibited, outgoing girl. Looks like a traditional man (our society is still a bit patriarchial) would be fine for her. I am used to girls climbing on top of me, attacking me in sex, so our sex life started really difficult, I couldnt get it up a few times, just because she was just laying back and nothing was happening - and I am sure me not being able to get aroused by this made her even more insecure. We got it right after a month or so, when I literally forced myself and used all my willpower. I was doing my best, kissing her all over, making her come multiple times via oral sex, being extremely tender, but she just doesnt want to come out of her shell. A few times I have literally taken her hand, put it in my hair and make her pull. Did it like 4-5 times, but she never did on her initiation, which made it extremely awkward each time I made her do it - come on, is it so perverse? In life and social interactions she is very very quiet. Whenever I meet her with some friends of mine, she barely utters a word, and is almost unable to hold a normal social conversion or small talk (I hate it too sometimes, but you have to be able to do it). I must say she has a very hard past - she was left with no mother and father when she was 19, and her brother turned abusive on her, so this definitely plays a part. However she has shared that she was extremely shy since kindergarden, so it is probably a mix of the two. She is very quiet, just hugging me and kissing me is enough for her, but not for me. If I dont initiate a conversation, I am sure we would keep silent for like 95% of time. However, she is a clever girl, we talk about miliions of things, she reads a lot of books, but just...keeps it all in herself. She is showing the same traits in her work, I have the feeling her bosses and co-workers are walking all over her. Now, I really do have feelings for her, but her lack of confidence and initiative is killing it all and is sucking life out of me. And the most painful part - I do see she is in a problematic situation. She makes little cash, just enough to survive. She has no parrents. She is an arts students, so jobs are difficult to come by. She moved in my apartment. I must admit that if she was standing firmly on her feet, I would have left already. Knowing she has little cash and opportunities makes it extremely difficult to break up with her - it would mean to throw her out in the cold again. I am definitely a good guy preferring a tougher girl on his side, but I just cannot bring myself to tell this to her. I feel I am slipping into depression and our sex life went awol, since she is just not a challenge to me in any way. and I really have no idea what do. We had a convo about sex at least (iniated by me of course) and I let her know I want her to participate more, but nothing changed. I really do love her, but in a caring, cuddly way, and nothing more, and this is not how a relationship should be... Please help...
TaraMaiden Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 I hate to break this to you, but there is no easy or kinder way of doing this, but to tell her you feel this relationship is going nowhere, and you don't see a productive future with her. If she brings up all kinds of excuses, similar to the ones you have highlighted in your post - well, they're just that. And her problems, not yours. "A problem shared is a problem halved", sure, but you shouldn't be left having to deal with whatever baggage she has on a daily basis, without any demonstrable effort on her part. it sucks - but you have to do the right thing by you, and call it a day. You're not really beholden to her for anything, and much as I see her practical (and possibly emotional) problems are a difficulty for her, you aren't there to fix that, or even make allowances for them. This might be what she needs to get herself motivated to put a bit of pep in her shoes.... 2
Lani Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 Yes, I think you should break up with her. If you're even asking the question then you know it's over. Does she have any close friends she could call on to help her out after you've broken up?
Author headysurrealist Posted January 17, 2013 Author Posted January 17, 2013 Thanks Lani and TaraMaiden, I know we have no future, just because she is not my type of girl, it seems. However, I am really worried about her well-being and geniunely care and love her, just not in "that" way. She has an aunt, yes, she could go there of course, and she has been telling me her aunt will probably help her buy a flat pretty soon. Knowing she has somewhere to go will definitely make it easier for me. However, if I wait for this, two things can happen: 1. this could happen in some time 2. if i break up with her right after she has her own place, she will think I kept her in my place just out of pity and sympathy (which is actually true) I know I have to leave her, but I cannot imagine breaking the heart of a girl with no family and watching her pack her stuff and leave for nowhere with tears in her eyes...
KraftDinner Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 I'm not sure if you were saying in your post that you hope she'd change. She won't -- this is how she IS. This is WHO she is. You yourself recognize that for some, she'd be great. The worst thing a man can do to a woman is string her along knowing he sees no long-term future with her, for fear of hurting her feelings or financially or whatever. She's an adult. Don't waste her time. Do her a huge favour and cut her loose. 2
Lani Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 It's going to be tough, but you need to do it. And she's going to be upset, and you will try and tell her you care, but in the end you're probably going to have to cut it pretty tough. Because you can't tell her you still care too much because she'll hold onto that, which will hurt her more in the long run. It needs to be done dinner rather than later too, because youre right, she'll suspect it when she moves out anyway. Stay strong! 1
Author headysurrealist Posted January 17, 2013 Author Posted January 17, 2013 Thanks guys, I appreciate so much your advice. Yes, I agree she cant change. I treated her like a princess, hoping to build her confidence, make her feel safe so she will blossom and start putting her foot down a bit. I am driving her to/from work every day, I am buying expensive wine, washing the dishes, massaging her feet every evening, but not an inch of change in her... I was thinking of maybe offering her to pay her rent, at least in the beginning, to make her feel safe, but I am sure she will find this humiliating...
TaraMaiden Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 However, if I wait for this, two things can happen: 1. this could happen in some time No - this is not YOUR problem. The arrangement she may have with her aunt is a personal one, and nothing to do with you. What happens in this situation is neither your concern, nor your business. That's for her to sort out with her aunt, not you. The time-line is therefore commpetely irrelevant... 2. if i break up with her right after she has her own place, she will think I kept her in my place just out of pity and sympathy (which is actually true) The she can think what she likes. If she's right, then you just have to 'own' that.... The important thing is, is that you cease as soon as possible. 'Sympathy' has no place in a relationship - "Loving" someone because you also pity them, is a terrible thing to prolong.Sorry, but it is. I know I have to leave her, but I cannot imagine breaking the heart of a girl with no family and watching her pack her stuff and leave for nowhere with tears in her eyes... Sorry, but this is what needs doing. The alternative (to do nothing and just carry on) is completely unacceptable, isn't it? So you have a choice, but be kind. But do not least tears dissuade you. It sounds like this needs doing, and is in fact, long overdue....
veggirl Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 Have you told her about ALL of that? you said you had one convo about initiating sex, what about the rest? Why don't you sit her down and honestly tell you that you don't think you can continue a relationship with her as it is going right now. I mean at least try that first? I know you can't change her personality but....well I guess it'd make the break up a little less out of nowhere for her. She's really lucky to have kept you this long tbh...are you her first boyfriend or something? 1
Author headysurrealist Posted January 17, 2013 Author Posted January 17, 2013 (edited) Have you told her about ALL of that? you said you had one convo about initiating sex, what about the rest? Why don't you sit her down and honestly tell you that you don't think you can continue a relationship with her as it is going right now. I mean at least try that first? I know you can't change her personality but....well I guess it'd make the break up a little less out of nowhere for her. I have thought about that, but I always feel this will make her even more uncomfortable and will ruin whatever tiny bit of confidence she has. Asking someone to tone down a bit could help perhaps...but asking someone to be more confident and outgoing, I dont know. You get my point? She's really lucky to have kept you this long tbh...are you her first boyfriend or something? This cracked me up, thanks No, I am not, she had relationships before, she even said she cheated once. Gosh, I am so longing for some adventure and action from her that I would like her more if she cheated All her friends are cooing over me, telling her I am her best boyfriend ever, and she herself says I am "her fairer half" can you imagine... Edited January 17, 2013 by headysurrealist typos
Author headysurrealist Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 So thanks for all the advice. I still have not been able to leave her, physically we are drifting apart, and I feel this is becoming more and more of an issue for me emotionally and probably even more for her... I guess you cant do better than advice me to do the things that were said here anyway. A big thanks and a hug to everyone who cared to respond or even read...
Dusk1983 Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 (edited) I've been there many times. Eventually, I lost all respect for these girls - infact they became almost childlike in my eyes. That erosion of respect opened the door for neglect on my part. It's not right, I'm not proud of it, but it's human nature. The tragic thing is girls like this are usually over the moon to have someone, anyone, in their life which means they're utterly loyal. But IMO she won't change. You should leave her. Edited January 23, 2013 by Dusk1983
clia Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 So thanks for all the advice. I still have not been able to leave her, physically we are drifting apart, and I feel this is becoming more and more of an issue for me emotionally and probably even more for her... I guess you cant do better than advice me to do the things that were said here anyway. A big thanks and a hug to everyone who cared to respond or even read... Every day you stay with her is a day you are not out looking for someone who is right for you. You've gotten a lot of great advice in this thread. Maybe at some point you will have the cojones to take it.
pteromom Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 You can't go into a relationship with someone hoping they "blossom". Perhaps rather than a red rose, she's a white daisy, and this is all the blossoming she's going to do. You have to be able to love and accept someone for who they are. Then, any personal growth just adds to the already strong foundation of the relationship. Rather than hoping she turns into a red rose, you need to let her go find a man who appreciates white daisies, and go find yourself a woman who is already a rose. Sooner is better. Right now, she's over-analyzing everything you say and do because she knows something is wrong, but she doesn't know what. Instead of putting her through that torture, just end it already. She'll hurt at first, but she'll come out of it stronger and better. 1
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