Allumere Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 I wish that was true....but each exes have married the person after me and are blissfully happy. I think that is only a wish we have during out period of anger that our ex's are miserable and suffer a bit. That just isn't how things work.
crashvector Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 Or, if you have an ex fiance like mine, they will convince themselves they are right, and make all kinds of justifications for it. So...no. Sometimes, they DONT regret what they've done. However, as for those of us who where dumped without any good cause, it is our job to not regret what they have done either. I have a feeling my ex wont ever come to "regret" her decision....or else she wouldn't have made it in the first place. Even if her reasoning WAS flawed, she is nonetheless convinced she made the right decision. I now must deal with the aftermath and learn to live, and perhaps if I am lucky, even love again. Just like everyone else here. 1
Author Stoic44 Posted January 17, 2013 Author Posted January 17, 2013 (edited) Oh I like this. I like this a lot! It's actually true too. Since being dumped, I've soared to the highest places. I'm so happy being me now, so happy with life. My ex... all I know about him is that he tried a new relationship, it blew up in his face. He jumps. He doesn't work on anything. He is lazy. So I guess it's not really working out too well! HA! Exactly. I have been on both sides of this and now I see it clear as day. When I dumped, I felt no obligation to work on or better myself and so just kind of "coasted" to the next girl. When I've been dumped, I've worked on things to better myself in many ways. When I have been the one who put the effort into the relationship and acted honorably, I walk away with my head held high. Their loss. Maybe one of these days it will all click with someone. Edited January 17, 2013 by Stoic44
ScienceGal Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 It seems to me that my ex held some of the blame early on, but after two weeks he didn't feel that I could change. I think he chose to see what he was not getting and to see what I needed to work on and used it as a way to let me go. If its just my fault, then he is powerless to fix it, right? I told him I would carry my 50%, but that's it. Not sure where his mind is at right now other than not wanting to be with me. Today is NC day 1 (again) but its real this time. It's really over
Author Stoic44 Posted January 17, 2013 Author Posted January 17, 2013 (edited) Or, if you have an ex fiance like mine, they will convince themselves they are right, and make all kinds of justifications for it. So...no. Sometimes, they DONT regret what they've done. However, as for those of us who where dumped without any good cause, it is our job to not regret what they have done either. I have a feeling my ex wont ever come to "regret" her decision....or else she wouldn't have made it in the first place. Even if her reasoning WAS flawed, she is nonetheless convinced she made the right decision. I now must deal with the aftermath and learn to live, and perhaps if I am lucky, even love again. Just like everyone else here. It's not about whether the dumper rationalizes what they have done. They all do. I dumped a girl who was very into me, but I just wasn't ready for her, nor did I feel the chemistry was right, and so no...I don't regret it. However, after I dumped her, I felt no need to better myself and work on things since my ego got a boost. I was in control! I figured it was just an issue of her not being the right one. In my most recent dump situation, with I as dumpee, I feel an overriding need for this to not affect me, for me to surpass this. So I am working and dreaming of bigger and better things. My point is this: While rejection would appear prima facie to psychologically favor the dumper, in some circumstances it actually favors the dumpee (where the dumpee has acted honorably, with integrity). Because in some situations the dumper will coast and the dumpee will bounce back higher. Edited January 17, 2013 by Stoic44 1
crashvector Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 It's not about whether the dumper rationalizes what they have done. They all do. I dumped a girl who was very into me, but I just wasn't ready for her, nor did I feel the chemistry was right, and so no...I don't regret it. However, after I dumped her, I felt no need to better myself and work on things since my ego got a boost. I was in control! I figured it was just an issue of her not being the right one. In my most recent dump situation, with I as dumpee, I feel an overriding need for this to not affect me, for me to surpass this. So I am working and dreaming of bigger and better things. My point is this: While rejection would appear prima facie to psychologically favor the dumper, in some circumstances it actually favors the dumpee (where the dumpee has acted honorably, with integrity). Because in some situations the dumper will coast and the dumpee will bounce back higher. Interesting concept.... and a good way to look at things.
na49 Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 That's actually a great way to look at things. If I can improve myself (go to the gym like I've been telling myself, get good grades next semester, figure out my major/minor situation, meet new people), my ex would have done me the biggest favor of my life. If I let this ruin me, she would have done me more harm than I thought. I think you're right. The dumper doesn't need to work on anything. They hold all the cards. They feel that their improvement was dumping the dumpee so they don't make major changes. They basically stay the same because why would they change? They got rid of the problem. The problem was the person they dumped (or so they think). The dumpee on the other hand is left with nothing. So he/she has to work with whatever he/she has left and improve his/herself. sorry to any dumpers. I'm obviously a little bitter towards you guys and gals. Don't take this personally. 2
Coping Vortex Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Dumpers aren't all intrinsically lazy. Each story is different, everyone gives up for different reasons. Dumpees like to believe the dumper will feel like a loser at some point, but doesn't always happen. I didn't sleep well last night. A glass of wine turned into a bottle, then only two hours of terrible sleep. Plus the 3-4 hours I got the night before. I'm a zombie at work right now.. If I didn't have meetings I wouldn't be here. I haven't slept in 9 weeks.
Coping Vortex Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 That's actually a great way to look at things. If I can improve myself (go to the gym like I've been telling myself, get good grades next semester, figure out my major/minor situation, meet new people), my ex would have done me the biggest favor of my life. If I let this ruin me, she would have done me more harm than I thought. I think you're right. The dumper doesn't need to work on anything. They hold all the cards. They feel that their improvement was dumping the dumpee so they don't make major changes. They basically stay the same because why would they change? They got rid of the problem. The problem was the person they dumped (or so they think). The dumpee on the other hand is left with nothing. So he/she has to work with whatever he/she has left and improve his/herself. sorry to any dumpers. I'm obviously a little bitter towards you guys and gals. Don't take this personally. Its amazing how much dumpers seem down right annoyed when they dump you. The dumpee did nothing wrong while getting dumped. No need to have attitude.
FailedFirstLove Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Its amazing how much dumpers seem down right annoyed when they dump you. The dumpee did nothing wrong while getting dumped. No need to have attitude. OMG yes. Wth is Wrong with them! I remember him having this annoyed tone like I did something. Hello your dumping me! And giving me attitude! then you complain I give you attitude! 1
cavalier99 Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 (edited) They just want out. We, in their mind, are holding them back. They took a long time in many cases to decide to end it and they decided they didn't want to work on it with us. So they have been distancing themselves preparing for the final blow. So it only makes sense that they seem distant and annoyed. Because they have been steeling themselves psychologically and we tend to break down their defenses. They want us gone and it is a relief to them that it is finally over. They aren't in a position to deal with us and the trauma caused because in many cases it took some courage for them to finally end it. Of course all this means jack sh*t to us because we are still holding on some and don't have the clarity of thought that they do yet. Well get there and will become indifferent like they are. When we get there we will be soooo much stronger. They might be fine also. Why shouldn't they be. I harbour no ill will towards my ex. ...although i f*kin hate her right now and hopes she bursts into flames and explodes. Lol ...kidding. Ultimately she is forgiven..for my sanity. And out of respect to to love that was there during the relationship. Doesn't mean it isn't over and I'm not moving on. I am! Im actually pretty sure that we will be friendly one day maybe occasional coffee. I truly hope she gets married and has kids etcetera and ill be happy for her. I must say im having trouble recently (last couple days) being too upset over all of this since the small "i miss her" crisis i started a thread about the other day....hmmmmm WTF I'm worried about having trouble being tooo upset lol ..like being upset and all effed up is normal now..how messed up is that! Rock on! Edited January 18, 2013 by cavalier99
ScienceGal Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I haven't slept in 9 weeks. Oh my. I hope you have sleeping medication now, or plan to get some soon. I've always thought people should be able to pay to be put in a chemically induced coma, maybe with a little hypnotherapy in there too
cavalier99 Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 (edited) Did you sleep finally? How are you today? Ill say prayer for you..might as well throw in everyone else here... during my morning meditation gratitude list. Edited January 18, 2013 by cavalier99
ScienceGal Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 me? I slept 5 hours, but had stressful dreams (thankfully not involving my ex). I have a 3 day weekend ahead of me, so I hope to be able to catch up. I don't even feel like I have a right to complain after reading Coping Vortex's post. I've been there though. The relationship that brought me to LS was the worst break up of my life. I think I will take today to feel grateful for what I have. 1
cavalier99 Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 me? I slept 5 hours, but had stressful dreams (thankfully not involving my ex). I have a 3 day weekend ahead of me, so I hope to be able to catch up. I don't even feel like I have a right to complain after reading Coping Vortex's post. I've been there though. The relationship that brought me to LS was the worst break up of my life. I think I will take today to feel grateful for what I have. YES YOU! Yeah i was just doing gratitude list in my mind and some positive affirmations. Poor Coping Vortex and puzzled. Sucks. Anyway glad you have some time to rest. I'm having trouble being too upset the last couple of days after the "i miss her crisis" you helped me with. Its like im so used to being upset and effed up that this has become normal. I almost feel strange that I'm not more tormented. Guess ill be grateful for this. Just weird. It will be 4 months NC soon..is it too early to be feeling better? I know isnt that the dumbest question ever. But i mean it.
Toddbt12y1 Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Some pele have to reach the bottom, before they're ready to climb back up. After dealing and expending energy on a battle, it is hard to use it on yourself. Just don't let it drive you crazy like it did me! Changing oneself is very hard, sadly we must change!
ScienceGal Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 On some level, I think we're all terrified of indifference because when we reach it, that's when its finally over. The emotional connection to that person is gone (or at least diminished enough that they aren't our primary thought anymore). Even if you've fully accepted it's over, going from one set of emotions (sad/angry/mainly negative) to another set (happier) is still a transition. It's awkward and unfamiliar. I like to call it the breakup after the breakup. 2
cavalier99 Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 On some level, I think we're all terrified of indifference because when we reach it, that's when its finally over. The emotional connection to that person is gone (or at least diminished enough that they aren't our primary thought anymore). Even if you've fully accepted it's over, going from one set of emotions (sad/angry/mainly negative) to another set (happier) is still a transition. It's awkward and unfamiliar. I like to call it the breakup after the breakup. Wow that was deep. Thanks. Ive never seen this discussed here. Maybe ill start a thread. I think it is too early for me to celebrate..need to hold on tightly to the pain now lol...you insight is threatening my current reality of the last months and scaring the sh*t out of me..lol 1
Coping Vortex Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 On some level, I think we're all terrified of indifference because when we reach it, that's when its finally over. The emotional connection to that person is gone (or at least diminished enough that they aren't our primary thought anymore). Even if you've fully accepted it's over, going from one set of emotions (sad/angry/mainly negative) to another set (happier) is still a transition. It's awkward and unfamiliar. I like to call it the breakup after the breakup. The death of the relationship as a whole is so depressing. When you add things like missing your time with your ex. Sex. And the fact that that person you knew is gone. Even if you get back together that feeling you once had is different. And it never can be the same. 1
ScienceGal Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 The death of the relationship as a whole is so depressing. When you add things like missing your time with your ex. Sex. And the fact that that person you knew is gone. Even if you get back together that feeling you once had is different. And it never can be the same. Yes. This is why it is important to move on. I have recently given myself the title "the queen of false hope". I cling forever! Not in the stalky harassment way, but in a secretly in my mind and heart way. You've just made a very good point about things being different if you ever got back together. Relationships don't end because they're perfect. Maybe it was you, maybe it was them, or both of you... something wasnt right. If I ever get back together with my ex, things would HAVE to be different. I don't want to re-enter a relationship that wasn't working. So, while I secretly pine for him, I know that moving on is the answer (for him and me). If we ever do meet again, I want to be in a better place and I want him to be too. And if we don't meet again, well.. I want to be in a better place anyway. I sound all wise now, but trust me, I'll be crying into my pillow tonight too. It is nice to get moments of reason though 2
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