ironeyes Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 I’ve never had a girlfriend in my life, nor have I really dated anyone past 2-3 dates. There are people worse off than me, I’m sure, but it’s something I’d like to have and am ready to have, and there’s no reason in my mind why it hasn’t happened yet. That’s what I want to figure out. Everything else in my life is going well. I’m a 25 year old guy with a great job in a desirable field. Since I’ve had a lot of free time on my own, I’ve filled it by pursuing a wide variety of hobbies from sports to arts (I guess that’s one advantage of always being single - you get more time to get good at a skill). I’ve accomplished a lot of unique endeavors and have a bucket list of many more in the coming years. I’m very physically fit and put in a lot of work to stay that way. I also have come to accept, based on various recent events, that I’m a very handsome guy (in my younger days I was not very attractive but things change, ya know?). So I have a lot of good things going on, and I feel good about it. It confuses me because from what others have told me, it should be a piece of cake for me. Occasionally, I’ll be out and meet a new person and when he/she finds out I’m single, they ask, “So why don’t you want a girlfriend? Because if you wanted one you could easily get one.” I always laugh when I hear that, because it’s been far from easy. I’ll occasionally meet girls who are pretty and smart and kind, and they seem to recognize my good qualities, but something always puts a stop to it that’s not of my doing. For example, one girl revealed that she enjoyed her time with me but that she broke up with her long term boyfriend a week before going out and realized on our date that she’s not ready to date yet. Another had family problems come up after our first date. And another was a terrific girl, but the day after our date she went back to her home on the other side of the country (to be fair, I knew this going into our one date and just wanted to enjoy her company, but it would have been awesome if she could have stayed). I don’t go out with enough girls to get past these unlucky odds (these 3 have been the only ones in the past few months, and I went out one time with each of them besides our first encounters). It’s a numbers game, I know that, so I’ve put myself out there with lots of activities. I’m confident enough that I go to bars alone on weekends when friends aren’t around town and simply try and talk and be friendly to whomever. I even am trying online dating. It’s been really hard breaking in and meeting people despite all this. I recently opened up to a good female friend of mine and told her that’s it’s been difficult to break into the social scene of my new location on my own, and hopefully she’s gonna try to set me up with some friends, which is good. But what else can I do? I went through all of college without anyone while my friends were dating and going through relationships left and right, and I learned to be content without all that. To be honest, while I’m a disciplined guy who can find other satisfaction in life, this is something I’d really like, and I’m at the right stage of my life for it to happen. Thanks in advance for reading. I welcome any advice or questions and would be glad to expand or clarify anything. 1
the_entertainer1 Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 Aw, I'm in Australia. Seriously though. I'm in a similar situation to you (but a girl). My difference is that I haven't put myself out there enough, I guess. You sound like a good catch though I can only speak from limited experience, but my recommendation is just to keep putting yourself out there!
Author ironeyes Posted January 17, 2013 Author Posted January 17, 2013 Always wanted to visit Australia. Maybe for next year's vacation. I've got this year planned out. Thanks for the response know. It helps to know there are others in my boat too. It seems like everyone I know is years ahead of me with this stuff.
MrCastle Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 It's obviously some vibe you're giving off or something because people worse off than you are more successful with women. I know because I've been there. I too am 25, so I hear your plight. Perhaps you don't see it, but maybe your desperation is visible to others. Girls don't want to date desperate guys. Also ask yourself if you're the best version of yourself you can be. Physically you may be fit, but what about personality wise? Are you funny? Charming? Do you have anything interesting to say? Some "nice" guys have a problem with being too dull. They stick to boring topics when talking with women. Are you bold? Confident? Exciting? What intangibles do you possess that would make you a catch? Ask yourself those questions. I do agree part of it is luck, I'm in college right now and the bulk of women (at least those I find attractive) are in committed relationships. I don't get it, because we're young, and I was under the impression college was about partying and experimenting with things, but apparently not. So it's been rather hard finding girls on campus that are single. The bigger your social circle is, the more success you're likely to have, so I would encourage trying build on that.
Author ironeyes Posted January 17, 2013 Author Posted January 17, 2013 Perhaps you don't see it, but maybe your desperation is visible to others. Girls don't want to date desperate guys. I don't think I'm desperate. I've been this way for a long time, and after a while you adapt. When I was younger, maybe 18-19, you could have called me desperate since I was so new to socializing alltogether, but I'm happy with myself now. As I said, while I would definitely like to have a relationship at some point in my life, in the meantime I can do plenty of other things. I have learned that if I want something, though, I need to take an active hand in getting it. Also ask yourself if you're the best version of yourself you can be. Physically you may be fit, but what about personality wise? Are you funny? Charming? Do you have anything interesting to say? I'm a funny guy. It doesn't always come out right away or click with everyone, but a little bit of chemistry and comfort can get me to be very outgoing. This side of me has definitely attracted people to me in the past. I would like to be able to be like that at anytime, though, instead of only when I click with the people I'm around. Some "nice" guys have a problem with being too dull. They stick to boring topics when talking with women. Are you bold? Confident? Exciting? What intangibles do you possess that would make you a catch? Ask yourself those questions. Trying to think of the best way I can say this. I've done a lot of things, very different things, which have given me a lot of perspective. I can use this perspective with almost anyone, because as long as a person has something they're passionate about, I can most likely relate to it. My problem isn't so much boring people. I don't think I've met anyone in the past year or two that I bored, and generally when people meet me they want to stick around. While I don't prefer it, once in a while I'll go out and have a one night stand when I've gone a really long time without any kind of intimacy. The last one I had, when the girl got back to my place, she started asking questions based on some of the stuff I have in my apartment (musical instruments, books, etc.) and that sparked a lot of conversation. She told me afterwards that at first she just wanted me physically, but after seeing everything she was incredibly intrigued by me. In her case, I guess maybe I might have been dull at the start (though we were drinking, and it was a loud bar afterall...not the best place to talk). I do better with revealing more about myself in different settings. Still, I think I could probably improve on how well I present everything about me, without coming off as a braggart. It's tough for me, though, as I'm a thinker and developer, not a salesman. I do agree part of it is luck, I'm in college right now and the bulk of women (at least those I find attractive) are in committed relationships. I don't get it, because we're young, and I was under the impression college was about partying and experimenting with things, but apparently not. So it's been rather hard finding girls on campus that are single. The bigger your social circle is, the more success you're likely to have, so I would encourage trying build on that. I'm recently out of college. It got better in the later years, precisely because I took part in new activities and expanded my social circle. I had my share of medicore hookups, but ultimately I wanted something more than never arose. I still have a lot of friends, but many of them are still in college...or out of college but still living like they're in college.
Author ironeyes Posted January 17, 2013 Author Posted January 17, 2013 It's obviously some vibe you're giving off or something because people worse off than you are more successful with women. I know because I've been there. I too am 25, so I hear your plight. It may be worth mentioning that I'm a physically intimidating guy. I'm mildly tall at 6' 2", pretty built, have a very deep voice, and a stern face (when I smile, it eases that sternness, but still it's a pretty stern smile) A number of sources have told me that I intimidate girls. Not in the sense that they're afraid I'll harm them, but that they have no idea how to approach me and assume that if I was interested then I would be very direct. And sometimes I am. But deep down, I'm far more light-hearted than how I appear. Could that be the vibe you mean?
Author ironeyes Posted January 19, 2013 Author Posted January 19, 2013 Anyone else? I'd really like to hear more feedback.
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