Newly discovered cell info shows unk caller

[Caldespair]

With more time, of course I wallow in my feelings of loss and trying to answer what led my wife to pull plug (after 20 plus years).

I discovered a cell number, starting in september 2012, going to 625 mins in the last 30 days. Of course I can only imagine (with my eyes closed) what it is all about. The person with the cell number similar field as wife, but it appears he was newly married in 10/2012.

I have all the paper evidence, address, and name. But is SLIGHTLY possible it could be a new platonic gf that I dont know about.

But just knowing, since september, this cell # has more the dominated the usage total of sbxw cell time. I want to know more. I mean Im already down for the count, but this could help me put things in persecutive and I could eventually let my perplexed older teenagers know why this D happened? Like it was not just dad "not communcating, watching to much football" crap Im hearing from w.

Also have fantasy of telling his new wife (if my info is all correct) about the pa or ea.

Thoughts?

thanks

[2sunny]

That's a lot of assumptions and speculation - to go throwing accusations around.

 

Gather evidence if you must. The one to take it to is your stbxW.

 

It won't change the outcome.

 

Participating in that negative energy (revenge - exposing for harm to others) isn't a wise choice.

 

Deal with your anger and get past it - get counseling.

[Caldespair]

Thanks Sunny

 

What u say makes sense, but noting makes sense when your world is set upside down and I am not steady yet.

If I take the evidence to her I feel like the following would happen: She will just lie and blow it off; maybe take my inquiry as my desperation (which Im tryin to hide, already done many things to repair this broken marriage) and this would send me back down to the curb.

Your correct its much assumption on my end, BUT the evidence is nearly overwhelming. New cell number shows up in september, wife begins to change at this time, then when we had a fight, she decides that its for us.

I know it is all pointless, but with that said, Im in the mode where I need to know. Again it appears its a guy her junior who was just married in sept.

I would savor the revenge to tell his new bride what is going on (if that makes me evil, well Im evil). I mean if my assumptions are correct, why not tell his bride?

I see the logic, but Im not logical yet. Only 6 weeks since the break, all my dreams, plans for the future all gone.

[trippi1432]

Thanks Sunny

 

What u say makes sense, but noting makes sense when your world is set upside down and I am not steady yet.

If I take the evidence to her I feel like the following would happen: She will just lie and blow it off; maybe take my inquiry as my desperation (which Im tryin to hide, already done many things to repair this broken marriage) and this would send me back down to the curb.

Your correct its much assumption on my end, BUT the evidence is nearly overwhelming. New cell number shows up in september, wife begins to change at this time, then when we had a fight, she decides that its for us.

I know it is all pointless, but with that said, Im in the mode where I need to know. Again it appears its a guy her junior who was just married in sept.

I would savor the revenge to tell his new bride what is going on (if that makes me evil, well Im evil). I mean if my assumptions are correct, why not tell his bride?

I see the logic, but Im not logical yet. Only 6 weeks since the break, all my dreams, plans for the future all gone.

 

 

I would say Caldespair intends on finding evidence so he can get laid? How many weeks at the Marriott? Get an apartment!!

[2sunny]

I read some of your other threads.

 

Your W picked that fight on purpose. She's probably been cheating a long time. It was an easy way to make you leave.

 

Get back in the house - or demand she pay you have of the equity now.

 

You have every right to be there too!

 

Don't give her chess to money...you won't see it again.

 

Move forward by letting go of what's over.

 

She wants a D - give it to her.

 

Best revenge is to gt busy living a happy life!!!! It's awesome! My exH is jealous of the happy life I'm living... And yes, we were M 20 years too (he cheated).

[Yasuandio]

Get your facts straight first before you do anything. A number on a bill does not tell you who was on either line, technically - nor what was said. You really don't have enough data to know what it means yet.

[trippi1432]

2Sunny..it's not a fight or revenge...it's pride on both parties.

 

It's not about who picked the fight, they both did, IMO.

 

both are wrong and both stand on the principles of being right..............pride.

 

Hence divorce.

[2sunny]

2Sunny..it's not a fight or revenge...it's pride on both parties.

 

It's not about who picked the fight, they both did, IMO.

 

both are wrong and both stand on the principles of being right..............pride.

 

Hence divorce.

 

Most healthy marriages can work through these disagreements.

 

But say, if she was cheating and he didn't know it back - a few months ago - it could have been her reason to ask him to leave. And if she was cheating - she wanted him out because she had "other motives".

 

Either way - he still has a right to be home if the house is in his name...until the court decides who gets the property.

 

I still don't suggest exposing anything without solid evidence.

Edited January 17, 2013 by 2sunny

[trippi1432]

"If", "could" and "would"......stop projecting!!!!!!

[2sunny]

"If", "could" and "would"......stop projecting!!!!!!

 

Ok - so to get more evidence he could have her followed - look into who owns that number - and what she's doing with her free time.

[UpwardForward]

Get your facts straight first before you do anything. A number on a bill does not tell you who was on either line, technically - nor what was said. You really don't have enough data to know what it means yet.

 

Yes Cald, How do you know it's the husband?

[trippi1432]

only if he wants evidence so he can freely go on his golf trip with the guys..read the double posts. (13K posts..get it together !!)

 

At the end of the day..Caldespair..you want us to tell you to go get laid....do what you want...you have to reconcile it not us. You were already up for it two weeks on LS as I recall...wait that was just talk.

 

I hate to say it but you are at divorce and it WAS NOT ALL HER. You played a part and trying to make nice after 27 years...she deserves better than that.

[2sunny]

Since she wants the D - knowing more info really isn't going to change the outcome.

 

And if/when your kids find out - they'll discover it when thy are ready to see it.hey are old enough to discuss it with Mom at that time.

 

If you see enough evidence to state it as fact - lay it out there as a statement... " I know about your involvement with _____".

 

But just know - she will most likely deny.

 

 

I'd go on the golf trip - pebble beach is awesome.

[trippi1432]

Since she wants the D - knowing more info really isn't going to change the outcome.

 

And if/when your kids find out - they'll discover it when thy are ready to see it.hey are old enough to discuss it with Mom at that time.

 

If you see enough evidence to state it as fact - lay it out there as a statement... " I know about your involvement with _____".

 

But just know - she will most likely deny.

 

 

I'd go on the golf trip - pebble beach is awesome.

 

Does she? Or was she forced into a position? I would ask at this point if Caldspari treats his home like he does a business?

 

I've noticed lately how some men seem to start new threads...is that dodging blame or intention?

[Caldespair]

Wow some stimulating discussion topics. Just to clear up some items:

I will often start new threads when I have new main topic ie should I go on golf trip, should I uncover more info about phone called. No decieving here.

Also, I'm in apartment after 30 days at marriott.

Have lawyer and intend to be treacly fairly under calif d law.

I Could be in my house, but I work many more hours then sbxw and it makes sense for her to be there with my teenage daughter. If I insisted I live in the house I would be even more unhappy.

Getting laid? I'll admit I'm lonely , had conversations with other women, but am in no shape to take on relationship, or just a sexual one. I am very bruised and things are difficult now. I'll admit though, things wre worse during the holidays when I was at Marriott. Now have place 15 mins from my house, see my daughter play soccer and hang with her whenever we can. She helped me pick some great furniture form IKEA that has made my apartment feel less drab.

Again trippi, golfing Tripp, feeling lonely, finding the phone records, I'm venting here. This site has save me from ruin. And yes, Im sure I have blame in demise of marriage, but I made no deal breakers. Looking back I was on tight leash, work, family, work family. Revolved around those things. Sbxw and myself only months ago played on mixed tennis team, golfed 2 times a month, had date nights.

I guess I'm going through the process many here go through, the why? The what happend and what now?

I mean, since college I have not been alone. I'm sure this will all be good for me eventually but now things are hard on a day to day basis, with little relief from painful thoughts of my collapsed marriage and the people who I loved the most in the world. Still have my two girls though.

[BetrayedH]

I don't know your story but having been in your shoes (wife wants a separation out of nowhere), I get it. I caught my wife in an affair 3 weeks later. I'd find out who is on the other end of that phone number.

[UpwardForward]

Caldespair, How do you know that the telephone conversations (the phone bill) were with the husband, and not with his his wife (as a friend/confidant)?

Edited January 17, 2013 by UpwardForward

[GuyInLimbo]

My two cents is that you DO NOT tell your daughters of any new "evidence" you may find. I think that's mean-spirited and only puts the kids in a worse spot. No good can or will come of that.

 

Are you in IC??? I see no mention of it here. If not, get your arse to a therapist TODAY.

[2sunny]

Does she? Or was she forced into a position? I would ask at this point if Caldspari treats his home like he does a business?

 

I've noticed lately how some men seem to start new threads...is that dodging blame or intention?

 

I didn't see anything that showed he FORCED her into the position of divorcing. She withdrew $7,500 without telling him and paid a D attorney. That shows she's CHOSEN to divorce - not forced.

 

Her will - her choice was to have him leave the house - now file for D.

 

 

If anything - I think (my opinion) if the OP made her leave the house and made her get a full time job (or work as much as he does) and not give her any access to any money - she might get motivated to reconsider and work on the issues within the M.

 

But - she's more likely too comfortable to be motivated for that - she's in the house and nothing's changed...except she had him removed.

 

She's had no consequences - and we aren't sure if she's motivated by a new guy she's interested in - but she might be...

 

She has no reason to change things - she's comfortable and he's doing the changes.

 

IF she's cheating - why shouldn't SHE be the one to leave and he can stay in the house?

 

Change mainly comes when one is uncomfortable enough to make it happen - usually consequences make a person consider changing.

 

She's just comfortable = no reason to think she's gonna change a thing.

[trippi1432]

I'm just going by the other threads that Caldespair has posted.

 

Facts per Caldespair (as best as I can remember them):

 

1. He states HE instigated the fight.

2. He stepped in the middle of a spat between his wife and his sister, seems they have a history. (They are adults, let them deal with it)

3. He told her if she didn't apologize he would leave her.

4. She apologizes and then tells him to leave.

5. He puts her on No Contact and moves into a hotel after she tells him to leave.

6. She lawyers up after several weeks.

7. Four or Five weeks into this, he finally allowed her to get her feelings out and acted very respectable to her and took his medicine (27 years, I'm sure she unloaded a lot of frustrations).

8. Caldespair's daughters report that they mom cries a lot. It's only been six weeks for her to process the end of 27 years.

9. Caldespair wants to go off on a guy's weekend

10. Prior to this guy's weekend, Caldepair is beating the weeds to try and accuse his wife of an affair.

11. Until this thread, which is looking for fault on her part, is the first mention that his wife was changing before the fight that set the divorce path.

 

I don't buy the fact that she is "comfortable" and not willing to change. Why should she, obviously the marriage has been working for the past 27 years. Caldespair is reaching now, looking for other reasons so he can say he is done and she closed the books on the marriage by doing something worse than him....we all go through it on the emotional roller-coaster or at least let our thoughts go there at some point.

 

She's had 6 weeks to think about why it's not savable while Caldespair stuck with NC (maybe not for the entire six weeks). Even Homer doesn't recommend no contact if you want to save the marriage...if you are done, by all means the other person becomes vapor. If you want the marriage, do LC and both go cool off.

 

Another reason I don't recommend so many multiple threads....not everyone has the entire story and are only able to act on the new information presented in a new thread....sometimes merely fragments of the entire story.

 

The marriage may be unhealthy and not be able to be salvaged, but I would say that both of them let it get to that or both are standing on pride and hurt feelings.

 

(Apologies if I didn't get the facts exactly straight....many threads to dig through to get them.)

[Caldespair]

Trippi -

 

I will stay in this thread from here on out. I can see how it can get convoluted with the multiple posts.

I was not trying to make an excuse for a guys weekend. I was simply processing the information as it became available.

To be clear, I am reeling from this ending of my relationship. And yes, I did instigate the fight that led to this prob divorce. And yes I do regret the intensity of my demand to her which was "apologize or I am leaving".

This demand/argument occurred 3 days after our mutual friend died unexpectedly at 51 years. We were both reeling, and not at our best.

W verbally assaulted my sister for not informing her of the deceased persons funeral date (we both missed funeral service), my sister, who we see maybe 6 times a year, was distraught emotionally after wifes behavior.

Then my charged ultimatum, "apologize or I am leaving". I was wrong to be so strong and should have had a conversation with my wife instead.

She did apologize, then she wanted me out of the house.

We tried a marriage counselor, she only went once. I do IC every week.

I have written her, spoke with her in person trying to save the marriage. She will have non of it.

I have been a wreck since. Cannot sleep, work or function at a reasonable level. So when my friends called asked me to go golfing, I thought, why not? Im already kicked to the curb, out of my own house. I then discovered suspicious cell numbers from phone bill. W prob having ea or pa.

I did end up going for 2 nights golfing, met Clint Eastwood, and got my mind off my complete misery. My golf game needs work, but it was nice weather and being with 2 friends has eased my racing mind.

I did not get laid nor was that the purpose of the trip.

[2sunny]

I'd hire a PI to see what your W is up to... You need to know if she's not willing to work it out because she's interested in someone else or is just at the end of her limits in the M.

[trippi1432]

Hi Caldespair - good that you went and used the time to put things on hold.

 

I don't believe that this sitaution was just one isolated incident over the course of the 20+ years. More has to be going on under the surface. I don't mean that she is having an affair either. People can dig and poke to try and prove one when they don't want to take a harder look at what is wrong in the marriage. I believe you stated in a previous thread that there have been issues more than once with your sister or family?

[2sunny]

If your W doesn't like your sisters behavior - why hasn't your W addressed her issues directly with your sister?

 

Ultimately - you shouldn't have to be in the middle.

[Caldespair]

I just erased 3 paragraphs of comments. Will need to rewrite tomorrow. Darn hate when that happens