darkship Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 I've been reading a lot of the threads here, seems like there's a good community of people in the same position in some form. Onto what I need advice on.. the girl I was/am seeing, we've been dating for around 5 months, we both got out of relationships before we started hanging out, and we fell pretty hard for each other, pretty fast. Shes very "guarded" from her past, so she was very withholding in certain areas of conversation or just didn't know howto deal with certain things(like an argument/discussion on relationships)I started to want more, she wanted to want less, in her words "she was overwhelmed and needed some space, things moving to fast", I may have had a hard time with this, and it took me awhile to try and give her that space. Basically, she tells me she loves me, and doesn't wana lose me, but we need to cool our hot heads off, because everything is too much too fast. She said she wants a break, but wants to be friends, while needing space. Its all very confusing, any thoughts? I've asked her if its her ex, or another guy, and from what I can see she is atleast an honest person, and has said no flat out, it is not either. she just needs space because its all too much too fast. I know I should just give her this, but at the same time.. In my mind, if you say you love someone and don't wana lose them, would you not want to spend time/work out whatever issues may be around-- to keep that?
newmoon Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 (edited) breaks can be ok when the people are still in love, like your situation - she says she still loves you. many of the posts on here are from people who have been through cheating, hardships with the partner, etc. and the love has already deteriorated, if it ever even existed. if she says she wants space, i would give it to her, but ask her 'about how much time do you need.' that gives you an idea of if she's really going to think stuff over and clear her head (like 2-3 weeks), or if she's planning to move on (like if she wants 4+ weeks). my bf and i - who are still very into each other - recently took a 17 day break with no contact from one another. he asked for the break and we agreed on a set number of days, 15. it ended up being 17. anyway, after the 17 days we met for coffee the other night, talked over some issues and how to improve our relationship (there has been a lot of fighting in recent months), and i asked straight up 'is the relationship something you actually want to work on or are we better off with other people.' once i got his answer and he got mine we can start to move on. he said he felt very refreshed and clear-headed aftr our break and so did i - it was marvelous! i think breaks can be very healthy and do not always equal doom. your situation sounds ok still with her, but get a timeline set and then strive to go no contact so you are honoring her request. the first few days are hard, but it does get easier, really :-) Edited January 17, 2013 by newmoon 1
Author darkship Posted January 17, 2013 Author Posted January 17, 2013 newmoon, thank you for an outside look on things. I think I will ask her for a timeline and see where that goes.
nes9 Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 I've been reading a lot of the threads here, seems like there's a good community of people in the same position in some form. Onto what I need advice on.. the girl I was/am seeing, we've been dating for around 5 months, we both got out of relationships before we started hanging out, and we fell pretty hard for each other, pretty fast. Shes very "guarded" from her past, so she was very withholding in certain areas of conversation or just didn't know howto deal with certain things(like an argument/discussion on relationships)I started to want more, she wanted to want less, in her words "she was overwhelmed and needed some space, things moving to fast", I may have had a hard time with this, and it took me awhile to try and give her that space. Basically, she tells me she loves me, and doesn't wana lose me, but we need to cool our hot heads off, because everything is too much too fast. She said she wants a break, but wants to be friends, while needing space. Its all very confusing, any thoughts? I've asked her if its her ex, or another guy, and from what I can see she is atleast an honest person, and has said no flat out, it is not either. she just needs space because its all too much too fast. I know I should just give her this, but at the same time.. In my mind, if you say you love someone and don't wana lose them, would you not want to spend time/work out whatever issues may be around-- to keep that? Dude my situation is IDENTICAL to yours. To a tee. My ex and I started dating both "kind of fresh" off of break ups. We dated for 5 months and fell for each other fast. I wanted more, she wanted to "keep things slow" and "wasn't ready to jump into a serious relationship quite yet. I asked if it was her ex and she swore she had no feelings for him. Sure enough, over xmas break she ran into her ex and BOOM. Left me for him. If she does not want to get more serious and you do.... run for the hills. Seriously, if she really "loved" you and didnt want to lose you, she would be willing to get more serious. She clearly has not healed from her past break up, while you have. This will destroy your relationship down the road at some point. Do yourself a favor and tell her that if she isn't ready to get serious, you need to stop seeing her for the time being. Don't attempt to talk or hang out with her. Give her time to heal from her breakup and realize that she wants you. When/if she does, she will come back and you two will be ready to get serious. I strongly advise AGAINST going with your current situation though, you will just get more emotionally invested and more heartbroken when the end comes. 1
Author darkship Posted January 17, 2013 Author Posted January 17, 2013 nes9, I do have that thought process.. a few close friends have said the same thing. Deep down I think I know the end result, if it was ment to be.. and she ment what she says, we wouldn't be in this situation. Its just hard to walk away from something when I thought we were both on the same page, and as soon as it got to "real", she backpeddled from fear.
nes9 Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 (edited) nes9, I do have that thought process.. a few close friends have said the same thing. Deep down I think I know the end result, if it was ment to be.. and she ment what she says, we wouldn't be in this situation. Its just hard to walk away from something when I thought we were both on the same page, and as soon as it got to "real", she backpeddled from fear. Yeah man I know what you mean, I should have walked away when I was in your position. It's extremely difficult. My life would be much better right now if I had though. She probably WANTS to believe she is over her ex and WANTS to love you. She may even be tricking herself into thinking that. I'm 100% sure my ex truly believed she was crazy about me and over her ex. Unfortunately deep down, she was not and it all resurfaced when she ran into him. She needs time to heal before she can really devote herself to you. My ex goes to the same school as me. We are both halfway through our second year of a 4 year pharmacy program and see each other every day. Her ex lives across the country and she's jumping back into a long distance relationship with him with 2.5 years of school left out here. It hurt me bad knowing she jumped back into a crappy LDR with her jealous, possessive ex-boyfriend when her and I had a great thing going out here. I know it is difficult, but walk away from her right now while you can. If you want her to get serious with you, do it. Tell her that you know exactly what you want right now, and that is a serious relationship with a girl that is just as committed as you. When she says "I can't commit yet," tell her that you need to walk away from the situation to continue searching for a girl that can give you what you want. It will make her seriously think about where her heart is at. If she really loves you, she'll be back in no time. If not, then you did yourself a huge favor by getting out earlier. Edited January 17, 2013 by nes9
Author darkship Posted January 17, 2013 Author Posted January 17, 2013 Yea, and deep down I know your right, I know I should be doing that. Luckily we are both late 20s and out of school, and don't work together. Theres not much chance we'l see each other-- atleast not in a school/work forced kind of way. Why does **** have to be so stupid, it shouldn't be rocket science if you feel for each other, let it happen. Too many games, too much. Thanks for another look/reassurance of my "gut feeling", I appreciate the comments nes9
cavalier99 Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 Break = BU. This whole need space idea and be friends is total BS. She is breaking up with you. Sorry man. Tell her it is total BS you didn't get into a relationship with her to be her friend while she goes off and bangs other guys. Either she is with you or she isn't, if she isn't then walk with your pride intact and don't look back.
nes9 Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 Yea, and deep down I know your right, I know I should be doing that. Luckily we are both late 20s and out of school, and don't work together. Theres not much chance we'l see each other-- atleast not in a school/work forced kind of way. Why does **** have to be so stupid, it shouldn't be rocket science if you feel for each other, let it happen. Too many games, too much. Thanks for another look/reassurance of my "gut feeling", I appreciate the comments nes9 Your gut is NEVER wrong. EVER. Deep down you always know the outcome. It's your mind that tricks you into sticking with it when you know it isn't right. I agree, I wish it was more simple. My ex told me she was "holding herself back" from really falling in love with me because she didn't want a serious relationship. How stupid is that? Why hold back? It's almost like she was scared she would end up loving me more than her ex. Which would have been best case scenario for her. We have super busy schedules making it hard to meet people to date. On the plus side, our schedule is the EXACT same so we always had time to see each other. It was great. Instead she wants to go back into some stupid LDR that failed once already and have essentially a phone relationship. All because she never allowed herself to get over her ex and fall in love with me. stupid decision on her part honestly but she's the one that has a partner right now while I am single, so it is obviously easier for her. Oh well, I will heal and when her relationship fails again she will finally have to face the pain and get on with the healing process she put off for so long. I also am late 20's, well mid I guess, just turned 26 haha. Breakups suck as you get older. The older you get, the more painful it gets because it seems less and less likely each time that you'll find another girl of that quality. That's one of the reasons we allow our minds to veto our gut feeling and trick us into staying in situations that we know aren't going well. We will be OK though. Twenties is young still haha. But yes, go with your gut and you will be a happier man.
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