trombean Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 I know this isn't SELF improvement, but I'm very concerned for her and I want to help her get better. She's an extremely sweet girl. She'll do everything in her power to help you if you need it. She constantly puts others before herself without a moment of hesitation. She's been going through something for about 2 years now. There was a lot of things that might have contributed to it, but mostly the passing of her grandpa. Ever since then, she's constantly saying things like "What's the point of life? We're all going to die anyways" I try to give her my point of view on it, but she basically always argues that there's no reason to get excited or be happy because no matter what, in the end, she's going to lose everything. So it's better to just be emotionally neutral so that she won't get hurt when she loses someone. She's also always telling me that she's afraid to love me. We've been together for a while. She says I'm everything she wants and that scares her. She's afraid to feel too much for me because she says it's just going to hurt when she loses me. She's also a bit religious and she worries that judgement day is going to come and everyone she loves is going to die. And that basically it's her fault because she didn't "convert" them (she's a Jehovah's Witness and I'm not very religious so I don't really understand). It's hard to make her see any of my logic. I've tried to explain all my points to her, but no matter what, she fights it and argues... But at the same time, she says that she's trying really hard to fix herself because she misses being happy. What should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 It's hard to make her see any of my logic. I've tried to explain all my points to her, but no matter what, she fights it and argues... But at the same time, she says that she's trying really hard to fix herself because she misses being happy. What should I do? My first suggestion is to stop trying to get her to see "your" logic and explaining things to her. If she's telling you she's unhappy, just listen to her and be supportive. Don't tell her why she's wrong for feeling that way. You can give suggestions that you think might help, like, "Go for a walk, see your friends, get therapy, etc." If she resists taking your advice, stop persisting. You are not going to fix this for her. The best thing you can do is encourage her to talk to a counselor. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 Do Jehovah's Witnesses have grief counseling or pastoral counseling? Link to post Share on other sites
Author trombean Posted January 17, 2013 Author Share Posted January 17, 2013 Do Jehovah's Witnesses have grief counseling or pastoral counseling? I have no idea. I was raised a catholic, but I stopped being religious a long time ago. All this paranoia started when she was little. They had her take a test and she aced it, so they told her that she needs to be a preacher because having that much knowledge and not spreading it is essentially killing everyone Link to post Share on other sites
Author trombean Posted January 28, 2013 Author Share Posted January 28, 2013 Anyone else? She still keeps telling me that the only point to life is to make babies and die :/ I don't know what to do. Whenever I try to support her and give her suggestions, she just gives me excuses as to why she can't do that. And whenever I try to convince her that there's more to life then that, she just fights me. I don't know what to do. I can't stand seeing her like this Link to post Share on other sites
Esoteric Elf Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 And that basically it's her fault because she didn't "convert" them (she's a Jehovah's Witness and I'm not very religious so I don't really understand). I don't know why she is so concerned about those "other people" when she still needs to work on you apparently. On a serious note, I, having been raised in a strict religious fashion as this, know where she is coming from. Every person is different, and you know her better than I, but one thing is not to look at people as "non-converted' or "converted", but, rather, have a spectrum of belief. We as people tend to pigeonhole and categorize others into supremely convenient groups that lend easy arguments and generalizations, when, in truth, black and white are not the only colors. Rather, tell her, what if by her presence to others, they grow closer to God? She doesn't know the precise effect she will have on others (and especially if she is not around them); she may have moved their "goodness" meter up a few notches without knowing it. All in all she seems happy, but insecure. The fact that you mean so much to her, but perhaps have no codified moral code revealed to her (perhaps(?)) may make her worried that you could leave her at a moment's notice. If you support her and truly want to stay with her "for keeps" and assure her so and she remains insecure, the problem may be deeper than that. Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 I don't know what to do. Whenever I try to support her and give her suggestions, she just gives me excuses as to why she can't do that. And whenever I try to convince her that there's more to life then that, she just fights me. I think you really need to understand that you cannot fix this for her. I know it can be almost like a reflex to try to fix things and to be the problem solver and save the day, but you are not a therapist and you just don't have the qualifications to help her with her (quite serious) issues. And she probably doesn't really expect you to help. So just listen. Here are some phrases you can use when she's venting: "Wow, that must be really tough." "I can understand why you feel that way." "Yeah, that really sucks." Or, even better: "Gosh, I just don't know what to say. I think you should consider talking to a counselor because you really deserve to be happy and it hurts to see you like this. Do you think that would help? Let's figure out how to find someone." And if she refuses to see a counselor, just keep saying stuff like, "Yeah, that's rough." "Mhm." "Oh, that's terrible" until you get tired of repeating the same things over and over to a person who wallows in self-pity and refuses to get any help for themselves. Excuse the harshness. I mean, it's normal to feel down sometimes and to vent to a significant other, and it's pretty common that people fall into depression, but for her to continuously bring you down because she isn't coping well with her issues is not okay. And it's not really fair to you. Link to post Share on other sites
TouchedByViolet Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 She should probably see a professional. Her problems sound layered and a neutral 3rd party has the best chance of helping her with them. Life is about living in the moment and enjoying what we have here and now. She is projecting all sorts of ideas from her mind without enjoying what she has. Link to post Share on other sites
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