Friendzone, breadcrumbs and reconciliation...

[fungusamungus]

I've read so much on these sites about how successful reconciliation only comes from NC and breadcrumbs, but honestly, how often does a level-headed person with any self-respect whatsoever ever come and beg for a dumpee back? Am I the only one of the opinion that the only way to rebuild a healthy relationship with someone by taking things slowly? Perhaps what is being interpreted as "breadcrumbs", are actually an ex trying to test the waters a bit to see where you are at; and if the dumpees reject those attempts with "all or nothing", aren't they potentially shooting themselves in the foot? If an ex comes back and starts pleading or begging for another chance, then you're just jumping right back into a broken relationship without ever taking the time to rebuild the trust that was lost and deal with the emotional baggage of the breakup. I've been the dumper before, and if I ever had any second thoughts or wanted the ex back, I have ALWAYS been slow to get back into things and drop.. er... "breadcrumbs". Why? Because I broke up with the other person for a reason, and if time passes, tempers cool and minds clear, and I still like the person enough to consider trying again, I have to start from a clean slate; otherwise, I'm just asking to go back to a broken relationship. Of course it's every right of the dumpee to reject my attempts at reaching out and demand an "all or nothing", but then that kills any chance of reconciliation on my part.

 

Yeah I understand that that means risking being in the friend zone for a while... but if you were able to attract that person in the first place as a friend, why not again, especially once you fix yourself? And you risk having to see your ex dating other people, but it's a risk-reward thing. Definitely take some time to cool off, but I'm not sure I buy into the whole... "if you're interested in potential reconciliation, NC until the ex begs for you back". Especially in cases where there was no clear wrongdoing (ie. someone cheated, or there was physical or emotional abuse, etc.)

Edited January 17, 2013 by fungusamungus

[Lone]

Maybe you should go limited contact then. Where as you dont initiate contact but can reply appropriately when time is right?

 

Will be interesting to see the responses you get to this.

[fancy feast]

I actually don't think there's any universal rule to this. I will say that if someone was to want to rekindle something with me, they should be clear with their intentions. It doesn't have be an awkward "LOLOL LET'S RECONCILE!!", but a vague text message will likely go ignored.

[fungusamungus]

Maybe you should go limited contact then. Where as you dont initiate contact but can reply appropriately when time is right?

 

Will be interesting to see the responses you get to this.

Don't get me wrong. I certainly think that taking some time of not talking to each other and giving each other space after a break up is worth it, but that's to clear your head.

 

I recently got dumped, and I needed time away from the other person to clear my head and see the problems in the relationship (there were a lot of them). Forcing myself to do so definitely kept me from doing emotionally driven things and gain some perspective. It also let me gain some self-respect back and keeps me from doing embarrassing things that would only drive the other party nuts and push them away. Though, it also helped that I was pretty unhappy as well in the relationship and at times had my doubts about the long term potential with this person. Regardless, I still missed them a ton once they walked out, and definitely have times when I still want to revisit and rebuild.

 

But this idea that as the dumpee, you cannot initiate contact with the dumper until they give you a solid "I want to get back together", just seems a little bit extreme. And that contacting the dumper first reeks of desperation, etc. If I ever wanted to reconcile with someone that I missed, then I'd like some indication that they felt the same way. If the other person just put up a front and ignored any advances that I make, I'd simply write them off as being too scorn, or too angry, or too indifferent (which would all be valid) and give up.

Edited January 17, 2013 by fungusamungus

[fungusamungus]

I actually don't think there's any universal rule to this. I will say that if someone was to want to rekindle something with me, they should be clear with their intentions. It doesn't have be an awkward "LOLOL LET'S RECONCILE!!", but a vague text message will likely go ignored.

I mean, sometimes, reaching out is something such as... "hey, haven't talked in a while, wanted to see how you are", which of course gets written off as "FRIENDZONE! IT'S A TRAP!"; maybe it's different for me, as I usually date people AFTER we establish a connection as friends (as in, I don't meet people with the pretense of dating). And in those kinds of cases, I feel like if the relationship was bad enough for a break up to happen, it has to be built back up as a friendship first before anything more can happen.

[Droplet]

Well, one way to go about this is :

 

When they break up with you and say they want to be friends :

 

-You tell them gently you know you've made mistakes, that you still have a lot of respect and affection for them but that you are not really interested in being friends because you still want them so if they don't want you, well, no problem, to give you a call if they change their mind but you have to move on now.

 

-Actually move on with your life, focus on bettering yourself, on becoming a real man, with a real drive, ambition etc...( not a little boy / a wussy : the reason she probably broke up with you in the first place )

 

-After a while, if she realizes that you were serious about moving on, she will question where she stands with you because you just showed some value by not being a doormat and if she still has some interest in you and if the guys she has met since you left weren't significantly more interesting than you ( which is probable if you were in a LTR with her ), she will probably contact you and test the waters.

 

-Once she does you go "Hey, nice to hear from you, want to hang out ?" You set a date and you seduce her. You don't bring up the past, you treat this as a completely new girl and YOU DON'T ACT ALL EMO during the date. Just be confident like you should if you spent that time focusing on yourself...

 

-If she refuses then you go "Well, no problem, we'll do that another time" and you don't contact her until she contacts you again. When she does, you try to arrange a date.

 

Basically, don't sell yourself short. If you want a relationship with her, then you act like a lover, not like a friend. If she doesn't want one : you tell her, "hey no problem, call me when you change your mind, cya". and you don't contact her again.

 

Chasing women doesn't work. It only works with girls with very low self esteem and in movies. A quality girl expects you to act like a confident man, and a confident man doesn't ask for a relationship because he sees himself as the great catch that he is and if she's not interested he has no problem moving on to someone who will be interested in what he has to offer.

[dumPI]

OP,

 

I think that's why reconciliations which really work are those where no one was ever expecting to reconcile (that means a lot of time went by, NC). In such, there are no breadcrumbs and it really starts as a new relationship.

[OSCAR_BUSTOS21]

I don't think nc works, especially if your trying to reconcile. Ignoring your ex is stupid and to hell with pride etc. I've tried nc and my ex hated it she text constantly afterward. I want to work things out and text her when she texts me. Leave it in her court

[SharkTooth]

Fungus, I'm betting you are a little more "seasoned" in your age. I feel the exact same way. I have been on both sides of the coin a couple of times in my life and you become wiser with every experience. Sure the pain is the same or even worse and LS certainly helps with all the great supporters here. I have read many posts here that bring me back to when I was younger and felt I couldn't live another day without my ex. Watching the pain that we all endure, the probable mistakes, the extreme anxiety, and the incredible hope we all have at the second chance can be overwhelming.

 

Of course every break up can have very similar circumstances but given personalities, age, distance, maturity, intelligence, and all the other conditions, each break up has it's own unique situation, and the chance of reconciliation. As you said, if there was no cheating, physical, or emotional abuse and the break had conditions that could be worked on during a cooling off period. Why cut off friendly contact? I feel if I cut this off, she will think that maybe I didn't want to see it thru and wasn't the man she thought I was.

 

For me, it's hard, but I try my best to focus on me and my priorities. Once I have accomplished my goals that get me back to me as a whole person, I can handle just about anything. If our "friendly" connection goes south, at least I can say, I did what I thought was right. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?

 

My 14 year old son's behavior was a large part of our break up and he suddenly started to see how he acted and the effect it had with my relationship. With no input from me, he made contact with her over Christmas and has made somewhat of a friendship with her. She text me the other night to let me know her and my son were chatting and to let me know that she told him if he ever needed someone to talk to, she had an open ear for him. He shared some of their correspondence with me and I believe he has put a crack in her "wall" she built between them before we broke up.

 

So I keep plugging along with friendly limited contact. I have bigger fish to fry though. She is not my first priority right now and I have come to realize that. Whatever will be will be...

 

Thanks for the post!