Daniel37 Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 Hi all. Long time follower, first time poster. Not sure if this is the right sub-forum to post this, but anyways. I am really struggling to understand my ex-wife. Here is a quick story. Wife asked for divorce a year ago, all typical bs…ILBNILWY, the marriage was bad, she was unhappy for a long time, rewriting history. Soon I found out there was OM, confronted her, exposed, few short failed R attempts…so soon I filed for D, which has been final for about 7 months. I went through all kinds of emotions, went to IC and am feeling really good now. I met a girl few months back that I really like and now we are dating . I am happy again! Back to my ex. I am really trying to be friendly with her, to talk about the kids (6&8) and house sale. But she is running away from like a devil from the cross. The kids are having a birthday party next month and I have been trying to make arrangements with her for a few days now, but every time she tells me she is too busy to talk. Doesn’t pick up her phone, returns my messages days later. When I'm picking up the kids she does not even come out of her room. One of my buddies is going thru divorce now, very similar story, and his STBX is behaving the same way. I talked to my therapist about this and he tells me it’s most likely guilt. WTF, this woman has not shown one bit of remorse since the whole thing started. Could it be that it’s really guilt? I would never take her back, but I am really trying to be nice to her, only because of the kids. I am trying to do the right thing and want them to see that mom and dad can be nice to each other. They live with her and we have 50/50 custody. They really want to see us together, but she even refuses to go their sporting events together. How do I tell her that us two being friendly and on good terms is what is best for the kids? It's really frustrating. Is this typical WS behavior? Anyone else encountered this? Any thoughts? Thanks
whichwayisup Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 She feels guilt and probably feels bad but she ain't gonna show that to you. It's easier for her to be bitchy, rude and avoid you as much as possible. Suggestion. Tell her you're sick and tired of her attitude and it's time for her to grow up and act like a co parent who must respect you. Tell her "I AM not your husband and you are not my wife, but WE are still parents to OUR children!" Let her know that she MUST be available to be open to talks about anything concerning the kids. Let her know that you are interested in family counseling so you two learn to co parent in a happy and healthy way so the kids can adjust to all the changes. let her know that the OM is to be NO WHERE near the kids. That's just for starters. Do keep on being nice and focus on the kids. 1
Author Daniel37 Posted January 17, 2013 Author Posted January 17, 2013 OM is not in the picture for at least 4-5 months now. He is working on his marriage. Threw my XW under the bus and now she hates his guts. Funny, I know. I did try that approach with her. Asked her to put all the bitterness and anger behind us and do the co-parenting the right way, suggested family counseling and even counseling for our 8 year old, who is not taking the divorce too well. Again, no response from her. Keeps saying the kids are fine, they will be OK. I am afraid the divorce will have negative impact on them. It already does. My older one still cries at night sometimes, and I do not even bother to tell her this any more. If I do she tells me that he never behaves that way with her and it's most likely because I'm unhappy and depressed. I have noticed that when he feels down around her she just tells him to suck it up and to be strong. How can you say that to an 8 year old kid? I really want him to see a counselor, but can't get her to agree to it.
2sure Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 Like it or not, you may be one of the many ex couples who can't get it together enough to spend kids sporting events or birthday parties together. At least right now. So, get the hang of doing them gracefully separately. It can totally be done. And believe me, one parent taking the high road makes all the difference in the outcome. Someone has to do it, and it's going to be you. That's ok, it's enough. In my experience, exes are a lot happier and easier to deal with when they have a partner . When she gets a new bf she will be happier, even if only temporarily and that might improve her attitude toward you. Show your kids that although it isn't the way you wanted or thought things would turn out...that you're rolling with it and happy. That's important if you want the same for them. 3
whichwayisup Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 Then you go to family counseling with the kids. She will have no choice but to join you all. She needs to get her head out of her ass and stop acting like everything is going to be OK with the kids. Her doing this just shows how NOT ready she is to face reality. And hey, when it smacks her in the face, she's going to be a mess. But for how all is great and everybody is fine. SHe's fooling herself. 1
Author Daniel37 Posted January 17, 2013 Author Posted January 17, 2013 Then you go to family counseling with the kids. She will have no choice but to join you all. She needs to get her head out of her ass and stop acting like everything is going to be OK with the kids. Her doing this just shows how NOT ready she is to face reality. And hey, when it smacks her in the face, she's going to be a mess. But for how all is great and everybody is fine. SHe's fooling herself. My question is can I legally do this if she does not give consent?
2sunny Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 Stop trying to be friendly with her. Be all business. Tell her what to expect from you and keep your word. No personal talk - the R is over. Talk only of the kids. Do not talk unkindly of your exW to the kids - that hurts heir heart. Be as neutral as you can be. I planned and executed my own parties for my kids. I let my ex choose and do his own thing. Things are separate now. Plan your own party. No need to talk to her about it. Go on and move forward socially as if she is a completely separate entity from you. If the kids ask - just tell them to ask their Mom if it concerns her... You don't plan to answer questions regarding her. 1
2sunny Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 My question is can I legally do this if she does not give consent? You can take your kids. Your exW will do whatever she wants. Your choices are now up to you. Choose what's best for you and your kids.
trippi1432 Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 If you wanted validation to hate her so you can't move on with your life..welcome to LS.
Recommended Posts