SuperSad09 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 I know everyone is different and that eventually I will start to feel better (right?) but just curious how long it took some of you to not wake up thinking about them or when was it that the idea of them happy with someone else woudn't bother you? I feel like I have just started to "let go" as opposed to fighting to get him back and I am doing well with the NC (though it's much easier said than done). He did contact me Sat night but I didn't respond and don't have a strong urge too. I think some days are better than others too...today I miss him very much.
sleepykitten Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Hi SS, It does get better, I remember feeling exactly like you, waking up and feeling the huge weight of despair and sadness. For me it was about 6 months, but I do think if I had done nc properly it would have been alot easier, as even after that it really was a yr until I was ok. Everyone is different but i cannot stress how much nc works....I know how tough it is and I broke it several times, met up with him, slept with him...it was ridiculous, but now a yr and 8 mths after we broke up I can honestly hand on my heart say I am ok, better than ok. I wouldnt take him back, dont want him back, dont miss him, dont hate him, dont anything him much. I do think about that time though as i felt i went through hell and came out the other side ...and I actually feel a bit proud of it, because I learnt alot and it makes me feel strong when I think how my world had shattered and I was a mess, and along with other stresses i had and problems with home and work, I sorted those out too, and I think if I was still with him i wouldnt have. Its just the beginning for you, you will miss him, it does hurt, but it does get better, each day, a little bit better, some days are awful, its like a rollercoaster, but stay with NC it will work, and use this time to do things for you too, focus on yourself, interests, friends, anything, even if you feel like hiding. Read the secret, mediation cds these all helped me too. Good luck, stay strong. x 4
ItxWillxGetxBetter Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 Hi SS, It does get better, I remember feeling exactly like you, waking up and feeling the huge weight of despair and sadness. For me it was about 6 months, but I do think if I had done nc properly it would have been alot easier, as even after that it really was a yr until I was ok. Everyone is different but i cannot stress how much nc works....I know how tough it is and I broke it several times, met up with him, slept with him...it was ridiculous, but now a yr and 8 mths after we broke up I can honestly hand on my heart say I am ok, better than ok. I wouldnt take him back, dont want him back, dont miss him, dont hate him, dont anything him much. I do think about that time though as i felt i went through hell and came out the other side ...and I actually feel a bit proud of it, because I learnt alot and it makes me feel strong when I think how my world had shattered and I was a mess, and along with other stresses i had and problems with home and work, I sorted those out too, and I think if I was still with him i wouldnt have. Its just the beginning for you, you will miss him, it does hurt, but it does get better, each day, a little bit better, some days are awful, its like a rollercoaster, but stay with NC it will work, and use this time to do things for you too, focus on yourself, interests, friends, anything, even if you feel like hiding. Read the secret, mediation cds these all helped me too. Good luck, stay strong. x Ditto on what she said! I know when my first love broke up with me it took me about a year to completely get over it. During that time you learn so much about yourself and you get motivated to improve yourself. Its funny...when I reflect back on that time I realize that my first love leaving me was the best thing that could have happened in my life. I had changed so much because of that incident that a year down the line I didnt even recognize the who I was. This time around i'm 3 months post BU and i'm doing better. I still think about her every day but its different now. During the first month I was hurt when i thought about her but somewhere in the second to third month it started not to bother me anymore. During the time that we have been broken up I have done things to improve myself and just looking back over the last three months if I was still with her I wouldnt have accomplished the things that I have done for myself so far. It really does take time and you really need to stick to NC. You will get better I promise and before you know it that person will be a distant memory.
bitterruin Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 It's been four months since we broke up and almost 2 months since I started NC. I wouldn't say it's gotten any easier, but it's gotten better. Like you say, some days are better than others. I have my moments where I want to see and talk to him, but you have to remind yourself that contacting him will achieve nothing but pain. Eventually you find the closure you need. I think I have and am starting to feel much better about my situation.
stevie_23 Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 You know what I found? There were fairly defined stages in my process of getting to where I am now (and I’m still very much “in progress” in terms of moving on and feeling ok again)… Stage 1 – trying desperately to get him to see how he was “wrong” in his decision to end things. I used logic and rational explanations and constantly kept giving him all the love I had to give. But it wasn’t enough. Stage 2 – I had a period of forced NC. He chose total NC but it wasn’t until I went to visit my friends and family over Christmas for 2 weeks that I actually couldn’t contact him because I didn’t have access to the internet easily (we were a LDR / online relationship). So I had to take that time, and in hindsight, it was for the best. I felt relieved at the time too. I did have the chance to go online twice, but found I felt scared to. Scared to see that he still hadn’t “tried”. Stage 3 – Continued NC. That break away I had gave me time to see that nothing I could do or say would change things now. I said all I had to say and he still didn’t want to be with me. So I had to accept that and let that desperate clinging and trying go. It became much easier once the pattern was broken while I was away. Stage 4 – Somewhere over the last few weeks I realised that in the beginning, when I was still trying so hard, it was because I hoped for a “reward”, which means that I was banking on him coming back to me, him apologising and basically making everything “ok” again. The reward would have been huge relief, happiness and closure. But when I realised that all that trying was not going to BRING that reward, it became not worth it anymore. Not worth the pain of trying for no reward. So that made it easier to stop too. It got too hard, you know? Stage 5 – Letting go of the thoughts constantly swirling in your head. I’m in the process of this now. It’s getting easier everyday, it really is. Stage 6 – Finding peace. I actually began to do this erratically during stage 2 when I was away for Christmas. I tried to understand his reasons, his behaviour, tried to believe he really DID love me and just because it was over now and because of how it had ended, it didn’t erase all that we had before. It didn’t invalidate his feelings and mine. I wasn’t making excuses for him, but rather, trying to understand brought ME some peace. Stage 7 – Actually moving on. Enjoying things again. Being happy enough in your own skin. For a long time I found it hard to look in the mirror, because for so long whenever I saw myself, I saw me through his loving and desiring eyes. Then when he left, I found it difficult not to see myself as empty and unloved. I knew logically this was not true, but it was still hard on an emotional level. I am getting much better with this aspect too now. His actions and his feelings do not reflect negatively on me. I am still me. I am still the person he did love and I am still loveable in general. His reasons for ending it are about him, not me.
Navajo46 Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 I'm wondering the same thing? I am 7 weeks post break up after 6 years. Today was NOT a good day, NC for the whole time except for an email she sent for my B-day a week later. I'm not an overly emotional person and I found myself crying today over missing her. I had two dates in the past two weeks brought on by some of my friends and it only made me feel worse! I am not going on another date for a LONG time. I keep wondering every single day when I am going to be over it completely. Was by far my longest relationship. Some days, I simply cannot function. The crazy thing is that she has no idea how to live an adult life at 33 years old and is very immature... and I know that it was the best thing for me and she did me a favor by giving me an out. But, we had such a good time together and for 6 years would do nothing but laugh every single time we were together. Why can't I get over her yet and why do I miss her so much?
cavalier99 Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 (edited) I'm wondering the same thing? I am 7 weeks post break up after 6 years. Today was NOT a good day, NC for the whole time except for an email she sent for my B-day a week later. I'm not an overly emotional person and I found myself crying today over missing her. I had two dates in the past two weeks brought on by some of my friends and it only made me feel worse! I am not going on another date for a LONG time. I keep wondering every single day when I am going to be over it completely. Was by far my longest relationship. Some days, I simply cannot function. The crazy thing is that she has no idea how to live an adult life at 33 years old and is very immature... and I know that it was the best thing for me and she did me a favor by giving me an out. But, we had such a good time together and for 6 years would do nothing but laugh every single time we were together. Why can't I get over her yet and why do I miss her so much? Im with you man. My relationship was almost 8 years. 3 1/2 months BU. Cant wait until I'm over this 100%. Its going to take some time. I was still pretty raw at 7 weeks. Does feel somewhat easier now but i guess there is no rushing recovery. Just got to slug it out daily and be grateful for good stretches of time when they present themselves. Edited January 17, 2013 by cavalier99
thembones Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 (edited) You will feel bad for a few months. You will start to feel good again. Then, if any little thing happens, you wil be back at square one but for not as long. I'm at about 5 1/2 months and of course I think about her daily. It is weening and I am starting to care less and less about her and anything she is doing. I'm sure I'll think about her for daily for awhile, but it's just what happens when you love(d) someone and were attached at the hip for years. Cut off all contact. Don't look at Facebook, twitter, anything!! If you live close, avoid him like a serial killer. It will be easier on you. I think I can finally consider myself over her. Just hope she doesn't come snooping and mess it all up. Edited January 17, 2013 by thembones
Navajo46 Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 Im with you man. My relationship was almost 8 years. 3 1/2 months BU. Cant wait until I'm over this 100%. Its going to take some time. I was still pretty raw at 7 weeks. Does feel somewhat easier now but i guess there is no rushing recovery. Just got to slug it out daily and be grateful for good stretches of time when they present themselves. Damn, sorry to hear that, I hope in another month and a half, I will be much better. Part of the problem is I keep trying to convince myself that I am over it and then bam... like today have an emotional collapse. I know I have to let the grieving process take it's course and realize that it's gonna be a while. It's that whole "wonder if they cared about me at all or are they thinking of me" kind of stuff that flat out shouldn't matter after they choose to leave you... and the most likely answer anyways is NO they are not thinking about you. I know that you shouldn't do that to yourself, but I can't seem to help it right now. I have taken steps to improve myself and get back in shape etc. The funny thing is that I don't want her back, but I do miss her intensely. I really need to let go... it just plain sucks man... 1
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