Biggest Mistake In my Life.

[Rotation]

Allright, this is difficult to explain, becouse I hold fault in it as much as my wife. About 2 months ago, I agreed to allow my wife to have an extra-marital-one-night-stand. We had been discussing it for some time and I THOUGHT I was allright with it.

Well, I was VERY wrong. During the entire time she was away, I couldn't keep still, I wanted to cry, to scream, to search *fruitlessly I might add* for her and take her back. It was, in that moment, I truely realized how deeply I love my wife. When she did return, I tried to let it go, Since I was under the understanding that it WAS a one time thing. I told her I didnt like it, that I loved her deeply, too much to allow this to continue, and she kindly said she agreed.

 

Only 2 weeks later did I begin noticing strange behavior from my love, Lack of desire sexually, Strange mood swings, Mysterious calls and callers, MUCH time spent online in a chat room I never saw (she explained it was to plan a surprise for me), Request to stay out later after she got off work, etc etc etc. So, Having that horrible gut feeling I had that first night, I began to investigate. After talking to several of her friends, I really became aprehensive, So, I installed a Keylogger on her computer, A phone tap on my phone line (legal in texas, Its MY phone) and started checking how many miles were on her car. Not ever 2 days later, I had certain and definitive proof she was CONTINUING her relationship. What made this so horrible was not only was it behind my back, it was after MANY hours of conversation about my feelings on it, Her feelings, and her telling me it would never happen again. So, One night I took her to the bar she meet her "friend" and confronted them both. Turns out she way lying to HIM too, becouse I had a list of questions about some of the things she told me about him. I was more hurt then livid. I told her, then and there, infront of her 'friend' that she needed to chose one or the other, becouse I couldnt continue to live like that. She didnt give me an answer then. Instead, we went home to continue our conversation, where she began to say MANY MANY things that were meant to HURT.

 

Things such as "he banged me better then I have been in 6 years (we've only been together for 4), His member was much bigger then yours and felt better, He made me feel like you never have," etc etc etc. Eventually, after talking to my father, my mother and my mother-in-law (her mother) I told my wife that I would wait for her decision, but untill then I was only a room-mate. I couldnt emotionaly handle everything, so I needed to shut down in that reguard untill she dicided. It took her a week to come to the decision that she wanted to be with me. I told her that We would bury this whole thing, But the trust would start over, square one.

 

Problem is, Some of those origional red flags are starting to pop up again. Now, I realize that It could be becouse of what happend 2 months ago and Im still not over it completly (which Im not ) but, My wife... her past is a consitant one of one 'friend' to the next. It scares me silly, becouse I do lover her so much. I've tried talking to her about it, asking what shes thinking, and it always ends in dead end answers. " what you thinking about sweetie?." "nothing." I ask her different and more indepth questions, but that serves as example. Im unsure what to do, She refuses to communicate with me in the way that I feel we need to. It's frustrating, hurtful and scary to think that she may be doing the same thing over again, but just more carefully. There are several periods of her day that I cant track or check up on, during which she has PLENTY of free time.

 

We have one BEAUTIFUL daughter together, whom I dont want hurt by all of this, But I just cant handle the not-knowing anymore. I know that I could have stopped all of this in the beginning, And I didnt, therefore I hold part, I know. But, knowing of what SHE did, and yet not only admitting she held wrong on her behalf, but not improving or continuing communication really gets me to wonder if Im only wasting my time and love, blood sweat and tears for someone whom might not even care.

[Pocky]

But, knowing of what SHE did, and yet not only admitting she held wrong on her behalf, but not improving or continuing communication really gets me to wonder if Im only wasting my time and love, blood sweat and tears for someone whom might not even care.

 

There is a chance you are wasting your time. There is also a chance you're not. You may get hurt again. You may find that what has happened between you and your wife can't be fixed. However, if you care enough to try and take a chance then you should and in the end regardless of what happens you can say you did everything you could. You can walk away knowing that you tried, you forgave but unfortunately things changed and you can't go back to the way life was before. Be less afraid of getting hurt again and more afraid of not trying one last time. Give it a go - see if it works out.

[trinabelle]

This is a very difficult situation that you have found yourself in. The reason she felt that she needed experience such encounters outside the marriage is probably where you should start. Why did she need this?

 

Secondly, how can you live your life wondering and not trusting? Day to day worry and stress is not a healthy way of living. Without trust in a relationship you really can't have anything, at least not from my experience. Trust is the rock and foundation of a strong relationship. The fact that she said such intentionally hurtful things about you when you confronted her should continue to raise red flags. If she could hurt you then she is obviously not as emotionally attached to you as you are to her.

 

Third of all, a child in such a situation is bound to have negative impact. I grew up in a family where my dad would often cheat on my other and that has caused much turmoil in my own relationships as well as my brother's. There have been many relationships that we both avoided and many problems because we are afraid of the same thing happening to us. If not for yourself, then for your daughter, this must be resolved before she is old enough to realize what is going on. Kids are smarter and more intuitive than you think....she will figure it out when she is old enough.

 

These are just a few thoughts I had on the subject...I by no means am an expert in this field...but I am concerned for your daughter. Divorced parents are easier to deal with than a screwed up family situation....

[rogueless]

I would hire a private detective to find out if she is still cheating.

[sami]

you do not have any right to hire anybody. you gave her permission in the first place. It hard for her to quit.

[anytownmama]

Been there...now I don't know what I've done

 

I'm hoping you can give guidance as I have nowhere else to turn. I just found out that I am 5 weeks pregnant. I'm unsure who the father of the child is. For 7 months I have been having an affair with another man. We share a deep emotional, physical and spiritual connection. We truly love one another and have a history. It's not a fling. We grew up across the street from each other. We dated in college and came close to getting married. When we discussed marriage he was about to get sent to Europe for military duty. I told him it wasn't the right time and we were too young. While he was away I met my husband and we dated for 1 1/2 years and then got married and had children. The OM said he was devastated. He said he would never forget seeing me drive away from my parents house with my current husband. He truly felt that we were meant to be together.

 

He moved on and went to law school and got married. He stayed in town and we kept in touch. He is currently representing my husband on a legal matter and they get along well. My husband does not know anything about the relationship and would be devastated if he did. I love my husband but we have been going through some difficult times and sought counseling. He is 12 years older than me and I feel that we are growing apart. He has been wanting another child for 2 years but I postponed it because I said I wanted to make sure our marriage could endure another child. He is a wonderful provider and financially I couldn't ask for more. However, he is very cold emotionally and verbally, and sometimes physically abusive. I've been working to make my marriage right until March of this year. I confided in the OM about my problems and we ended up spending more and more time together. The relationship turned physical.

 

The OM and his wife generally have a good marriage. She is extremely passive and never questions him. I think she may know in the back of her mind that something is going on. He says he loves her but their marriage is not what he really wanted. They have been trying to get pregnant for 2 years and have IVF set up for the end of the month. The OM wants nothing more than to be a father. He is afraid that his wife is barren. This has been a sourse of extreme stress for both of them.

 

There is a chance that my husband could be the father. According to conception charts I concieved between August 3rd and 5th. I had sex with both men during that time frame. I lay awake at night thinking about what a mess I've made. My husband knows I'm pg but has no idea that I've had an affair. I cannot tell my husband. I don't want to tell the OM. I'm so upset with myself and the decisions I've made. What a mess...I feel hopeless and don't know what to do.

 

Any suggestions?

[overseas2004]

Yeah repost the whole thing on your own page....

[anytownmama]

I'm sorry. I thoght it was a new thread. My mistake...my mind isn't exactly clear right now.

[Rotation]

Yes, I did ORIGIONALLY giver her permission. And, if carefully read, my post states that that was the biggest mistake of my life. I truely love my wife, But am lost becouse I feel shes changed, Paranoid I may be becouse Im worried she may still be doing something and just being better at hiding it. I dont know. Nothing I say or try with my wife seems to make any effect any more. Its as if shes happy with the stalemate we've found ourselves in.

[2Confuzed]

First of all, don't beat yourself up over the decision you have made. It happened and there's nothing you can do about it now. What you need to focus on now is the fact that she is still persuing these relationships.

 

I would be blown away if my partner said the things to me that she said to you. There is no other reason to say those things except to hurt you. People don't hurt the one they love. I'm sure she seemed to be the love of your life when you married her, but now I would begin to wonder. She does sound as though she has changed. Maybe it has nothing to do with you at all. I don't know what she has been through, but it seems that what she is doing is HER problem, not yours. You just have to decide how much crap you are going to put up with.

 

You have told her how you feel and she obviously doesn't care because she is still doing it. And that whole "hiring an investigator" thing is nonsense. You shouldn't have to hire anyone. She should be telling you the truth. And let me tell ya, if you suspect someone is cheating, they probably are. Don't waste your money on what you already know in your heart. You sound like too good of a person to put up with that.

 

From my past experiences, I have realized that you only have one life to live; therefore, don't live it in misery. You do your best to work things out, if you don't feel better after, then you need to let her go. You deserve to be with someone who is honest and committed. Don't settle for less.

[Rotation]

I wouldn't hire an investigator. I grew up surrounded by women, and I'm told that is why I'm as receptive on the "gut-level" as I am. I know her, and can tell when she is avoiding the truth, or not telling it all together. I know when she is thinking. I read her actions, her motions, her eye movements.

 

Something I picked up from years of being surrounded by hormonal and sometimes very ... "frustrating" female family members. No offence meant to anyone.

 

There is one more obstacle that I must hurdle: I grew up without a father, and I dont want my daughter to grow up without either one of her parents. My wife, in her heart of hearts, is a good woman, I know that. I just haven't been able to not only get that woman out of hiding, but keep her out, if you'll excuse the analogy.

 

I have two hurdles:

 

One, I am EXTREMELY attatched to my wife, which is why I think she has the confidence to do such things. She knows, or thinks she knows that I won't go away, no matter what she does, because I have already demonstrated unconditional love in many MANY other regards.

 

Two, My daughter. I don't want her to go through something like I did. It wasn't fun at ALL when I went through it. I know she's young, but I also know she KNOWS, in one way or another, what's going on. The night that I confronted her about her cheating, my daughter REFUSED to be touched by my wife. I know she knows what I'm feeling and going through right now. She just looks at me like, "you poor man."

 

So, unfortunately, both for my daughter and because it is easier, I feel compelled to stay, and just grit it out until my daughter is old enough to not only understand, but make her own decision on what she wants to happen. Maybe that's not healthy for her, either.

 

However there is always the problem of financial availability. As it stands, I barely make enough to cover bills and keep everyone warm and fed. I have nothing saved, nothing significant anyway, and have NO resources whatsoever to pull off a sudden or even a gradual move within any reasonable amount of time.

 

Myself, I'll survive either way. I know I will. I have before, and I will continue to until the good Lord says I've had enough. I would like to be happy myself too, but my daughter's more important.

[2Confuzed]

I commend you on being such a good father. It is important to take your daughter's feelings into consideration, as you have. My parents divorced when I was two years old. I am beginning to think it is better to divorce when children are young. I don't really remember any of it. All I know is that I had two families, and that was okay. If by some chance, you can't work things out and a divorce is the only choice, know that a child can still grow up with two loving parents. Just because you don't live in the same house doesn't change the fact that you and your wife love your daughter. You can be as much a part of her life as you are now.

 

As far as your wife, if you truly love her, then try to work things out. But just remember, you can't do it alone. She has to want it as much as you do. I've been in a one-sided relationship and believe me, you can't make the other person do what they are unable or unwilling to do.

 

Just try to talk to her. That's all you can do. Try your best to work things out, if nothing gets resolved, then at least you can leave knowing you did everything you could.

 

Good Luck

[tiki]

I'm responding to your original post, haven't read a lot of the other responses, so sorry if I duplicate in advice.

 

I'm not usually the type to recommend therapy. But there is a major communication issue between your wife and yourself. It seems to be more so on her part, but that's JUST my opinion. Someone needs to teach her how to communicate properly and effectively. You deserve someone that will communicate to you. She deserves the same.

 

I'm sorry that she continued to cheat on you. You allowed her to do it initially as a one time thing. Huge mistake.

 

If you two ever manage to work this out, take hold of her and never let go. Be attentive to her needs. And never allow her to be with another man.

 

If you are religious, go in prayer. You need everything possible at this moment.

 

Good luck.

[XDOR]

Anytownmama,

 

What does your lover say? Does he know you are pregnant?

Chances are, if your child is not your husband's, that the child will know later.

Just imagine, if these days there are so many DNA tests around, in 10 years from now a paternity test will be as common as a blood type test. He will know...

 

You made a big mistake. Your husband does not deserve it, even if you two don't love each other.

Even if it's hard, you should tell your husband what happened, because if you don't, first, you will feel worse everyday as the due date gets closer, and second,

 

Never mind, your case is too complex for this forum. Go and ask a counselour, or a priest.

Just let the child live.

 

Xdor.