I dumped ex bf for a good reason & now in NC but he hasn't reformed

[starsandsky]

Okay I'm currently in NC with my ex boyfriend with who was supposed to get married. (He'd asked me and I'd said yes).

 

I'm in my mid thirties like him and this behaviour is totally NOT what i expect from him from all the years i've known him.

 

Here's the background first: A 2.5 yr relationship where we had a split in May 2012 for 3 months due to a couple of his friends interfering and making him believe I was cheating/ playing around behind his back when I wasn't at all, he didn't believe me at the time. (He refused to speak to me/ see me for 3 months) - This is when I started doing NC aswell on him (he was doing it on me for no rel reason except his assumption that i was flirting with other men online when I wasn't) and this actually had a reverse psychology effect on him and he cracked one day and contacted me to tell me he couldn't help having feelings for me still despite what he'd been acting like (i.e. his NC). I explained and showed him proof that nothing was going on but I worked out that some of his idiot friends were meddling to ensure he remained single like them and so they could sponge off money off him. This did sucessfully make him come back - (the NC on my part after I used to text him and call him a lot and then became silent, plus my final text/ SMS message asking him for my things back from his apartment (after 3 months of silence from him), triggered him into replying to my text emotionlessly. But when I saw him to collect my things and I acted neutral and said 'Bye' without showing any emotion, he seemed to crack a little. I just left him standing there and took my things. The same day and for a couple of days afterwards he kept calling me and texting with no response from me. First the texts were angry accusing me of things and then he became emotional on the text messages asking me to forgive him even though he believed I had supposedly been seeing other men. I eventually answered his call and he admitted then and there that he believed me (I'd also given him some proof 3 months before that).

 

We got back together and I assumed everything was fine, but now it turns out that he's been inviting women friends (who he refuses to introduce me to) round his apartment (he says they were in group of friends) and lying to me about going out clubbing and to expensive bars and restaurants meeting women with his single friends (he says they're friends of his male buddies and he doesn't know them and it's all innocent, but he started to make less effort and only took me home for oven-pizza and cheap places in the last few months whilst showing lack of effort. He also seems to keep his Facebook hidden from me and refuses to show me as well). I confronted him about all of this and we had a huge argument where he took no responsibility and tried to twist the blame onto me saying i was being 'controlling/ paranoid' when we both knew full well he's been lying.

 

This behaviour is not like him and I've known this guy (even as a friend and boyfriend for 5 years). I basically said to him 1.5 weeks ago on the phone that I was sick of the way he's been treating me and if he's keeping his options open then i want to do so too. He denied keeping his options open but said he didn't think he treated me badly (despite what he's been doing) and seemed to show bravado and act like he didn't care, so I now haven't spoken to him in nearly 2 months, (I haven't called him as I want to see if he makes an effort, and he hasn't called me but seems to be doubling up his efforts and activity on Facebook where he's now adding all these girls onto his profile (he knows I hate that) and also there are photo's from his friends where he's seen going out with male friends and there are groups of girls with them clubbing with them). I'd normally call him out over this and get upset at him, but this time I've maintained a total silence and have not contacted him at all. Why is he doing this???

 

This is a guy I almost had a baby with last year (we lost the baby) and I am so sad to see what he's been doing. I have no idea what to think and what to do, I don't even know if it was me who dumped him or if it was him who dumped me either!

Edited January 16, 2013 by starsandsky

[flitzanu]

you broke up and haven't spoken for 2 months, who cares what he's doing? why are you stalking his facebook?

[KatZee]

It's been 2 months. It's over. The relationship is over. He clearly doesn't care enough to make it work and he's out living his life and hooking up with or seeing other chicks. Delete him off FB. NC for 2 months means it's done. It shouldn't be used as a manipulation tactic to see who caves first.

[starsandsky]

I'm not friends with him on Facebook, but the thing is, he has now started 'subscribing' to me on facebook to see any updates I do. I don't have any connection to him anymore on facebook or elsewhere but he is actually keeping tabs on what i do. He also recently started putting up photo's of himself and artwork that's depressed looking and comments of how he's feeling down. But despite this, he's still subscribing to random women (who look nearly exactly like me physically) on there (he knew before that's something that annoys me), so I don't really know what to think. There wasn't even a good reason for him to behave in a way that would cause the break up so i don't know what triggered it and why his friends are so interfering in his love life, and why he's allowed it (from what i can gather he never allowed that to happen in his previous relationships). I am the second (probably the most) most serious relationship he's had. I can't believe the miscarriage meant nothing to him and he'd not even try to make it work.

 

I did the NC for my own wellbeing because I knew if I didn't break off then his behaviour continuing to me would make me crumble and I'd be literally going mad with sadness and heartbreak.

 

At first I actually felt relief to be free of that treatment from him, but as time goes on I wonder about ways we could actually make it work, if only he would do his part and actually start having consideration for me as he used to.

Edited January 16, 2013 by starsandsky

[denxnis]

I wasn't going to write on here today but I feel like this information might help you.

 

I was with my ex girlfriend for 6 years.

 

She started hanging out with new single woman when she moved into a new place and at first it didn't bother me.

 

Her attitude/personality changed and I finally had enough when she tried to flake on me to go to the bars with these girls at 10pm; we broke up.

 

A few weeks later she was going out of her way to post pictures and statuses of how happy/sad she is.

 

Then she went out of her way to make sure I see how much fun she is having (this was about 1.5 months after the breakup).

 

These people are not ready for a serious relationship. If your ex boyfriend or my ex girlfriend really cared they would not play these games or do these things, they would try to make things work.

 

I know nobody likes to hear this, believe me I know, but you have to move on. Maybe one day t hey will mature but it's not our job to put our lives on hold and wait for that.

[starsandsky]

Thank you denxnis, I believe you are right and your situation with your ex gf parallels what's been going on with my ex. I know its over but I can't help feeling sad and hopelessly depressed about it, and despite being the dumper, i don't feel I've had closure but I just can't physically put myself through all that heartbreak again by contacting him to get the closure. I still care about him but the trust is broken and I find it really hard to understand why he'd do things to allow that to happen when all along, he'd been the one who was driving the relationship forward and wanted to get married and have children. I'm so tired of this depressed feeling i've got now, and it's really eaten away at my self esteem the way he's treated me. I wish I could meet someone new but I actually feel sh**ttier than ever, and feel there's no hope, as I do want to get married one day soon and have kids (time's scaring me). I also feel like i've been 'duped' by him and his character for all those years when he was decent to me, and suddenly in the last year acting like a total jerk. I'm so angry at myself for that.

Edited January 16, 2013 by starsandsky

[SuperSad09]

[ he'd been the one who was driving the relationship forward and wanted to get married and have children. I'm so tired of this depressed feeling i've got now, and it's really eaten away at my self esteem the way he's treated me. I wish I could meet someone new but I actually feel sh**ttier than ever, and feel there's no hope, as I do want to get married one day soon and have kids (time's scaring me). I also feel like i've been 'duped' by him and his character for all those years when he was decent to me, and suddenly in the last year acting like a total jerk. I'm so angry at myself for that.

 

 

I so totally understand this. My ex fiance was the same way. The most amazing, awesome partner and then one day it was like a light switch went off and he just ...changed. I put up with it for a little while but SO miss how it WAS. And, like you I feel "duped" I never saw it coming and it so hard to get past that ; /

[flitzanu]

I'm not friends with him on Facebook, but the thing is, he has now started 'subscribing' to me on facebook to see any updates I do. I don't have any connection to him anymore on facebook or elsewhere but he is actually keeping tabs on what i do. He also recently started putting up photo's of himself and artwork that's depressed looking and comments of how he's feeling down. But despite this, he's still subscribing to random women (who look nearly exactly like me physically) on there (he knew before that's something that annoys me), so I don't really know what to think. There wasn't even a good reason for him to behave in a way that would cause the break up so i don't know what triggered it and why his friends are so interfering in his love life, and why he's allowed it (from what i can gather he never allowed that to happen in his previous relationships). I am the second (probably the most) most serious relationship he's had. I can't believe the miscarriage meant nothing to him and he'd not even try to make it work.

 

I did the NC for my own wellbeing because I knew if I didn't break off then his behaviour continuing to me would make me crumble and I'd be literally going mad with sadness and heartbreak.

 

At first I actually felt relief to be free of that treatment from him, but as time goes on I wonder about ways we could actually make it work, if only he would do his part and actually start having consideration for me as he used to.

 

it's facebook. it isn't real life. trying to interpret his actions is futile and pointless.

 

BLOCK him from fb, and then neither of you will see each other on fb at all. problem solved.