bigalagain Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Just to refresh my situation, I was the OM (I am single). D-day was lat Nov. (she confessed, they are working on R). She told me NC and her H came and told me the same thing. We work together, but she has resigned and will be gone at th end of the month. Last week she kept sending work e-mails of dubious value but I did not answer unless there was a direct need to do so. My instincts said she was fishing. Finally, late Friday she sent a direct question and I answerd and wound up with a 3 or 4 message exchange involving how busy she is and sh can't focus on her new life. I can't decide how to process this. I suppose it is breaking NC but it was pretty innocuous and nothing else has happened and we haven't seen or spoken to each other in month. I am just trying to ride out the emotional roller coaster
TaraMaiden Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Yes, of course you broke NC. And she started it. If I were you, I'd tell her H she's been breaking the rules. if they both told you NC, and she's been going behind his back, (do you actually think she said to him, "I'm just sending him a few emails to clarify something...."..? I don't think so!) then he needs to know his wife is quite obviously not as dedicated to repairing the marriage as he thought. Or hoped.... If you're trying to ride out the emotional Roller Coaster, she's really not helping to make the ride any less bumpy - is she? What was she actually asking you, if you could - or would - tell us? 1
whichwayisup Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Just to refresh my situation, I was the OM (I am single). D-day was lat Nov. (she confessed, they are working on R). She told me NC and her H came and told me the same thing. We work together, but she has resigned and will be gone at th end of the month. Last week she kept sending work e-mails of dubious value but I did not answer unless there was a direct need to do so. My instincts said she was fishing. Finally, late Friday she sent a direct question and I answerd and wound up with a 3 or 4 message exchange involving how busy she is and sh can't focus on her new life. I can't decide how to process this. I suppose it is breaking NC but it was pretty innocuous and nothing else has happened and we haven't seen or spoken to each other in month. I am just trying to ride out the emotional roller coaster Yes it is breaking NC. Any 'personal' chit chat IS breaking NC which SHE requested. If her husband knew about what she said, he'd be quite upset. So what if she can't "focus on her new life". This is what she and her husband chose..To fix their marriage. You are not part of her life anymore. What did you tell her?
Author bigalagain Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 She said she is trying to get everything cleared up before she leaves so no one would accuse her of leaving a pile of unfinished work. I said don't worry people expect you to be looking forward to your new life. She said I am trying to but my head is going 100 different directions and I can't keep focused. I said that's natural. Obviously I replied
TaraMaiden Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 No Contact, means exactly that. Don't validate her feelings. Keep it completely business-like and talk about work only. Don't even go down the route of personal comments. "Obviously I was really tempted to reply, but happily, I didn't".... Would have been far better. 1
Author bigalagain Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 Original msg was asking if I would send some legitimate work info. And was copied to her replacement. Sh followed up with "thanks, I'm just trying to get everything done, etc."
TaraMaiden Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Harshly speaking, you can justify the to-ing and fro-ing of emails all you like. The crux of the matter is that you should have neither engaged her in, nor responded to, any discussion or conversation which erred on the personal side. End of story. Any chat which hinted at, or threatened to allude to your personal connection - should have been completely avoided. Sorry, but it's no excuse.... 2
Author bigalagain Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 Thanks. I wasn't justifying, just responding to the question. Ultimately you both validated my interpretation which is that yes it was a break and at her initiative. I guess I had been assuming and preparing for a possible break with more substance, one where the content was less banal. Chit chat leads to other things I suppose, but the good news is it seems to have lead to a renewed NC. I have no way of knowing, but I have the impression they review any possible contact daily and she probably told him and promised to do better.
whichwayisup Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 So she's already made up her mind that she's leaving her husband, divorcing him and going to you, so it seems. This is a sham either way! For her husband (omg, she's going along pretending that they are fixing their marriage) or for you (she is stringing you along all the meanwhile she IS in fact, working on her marriage).. It is breaking contact and you didn't have to reply. I take it if she leaves him, you're okay with that.
whichwayisup Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 She said she is trying to get everything cleared up before she leaves so no one would accuse her of leaving a pile of unfinished work. I said don't worry people expect you to be looking forward to your new life. She said I am trying to but my head is going 100 different directions and I can't keep focused. I said that's natural. Obviously I replied Oh, are you talking work related stuff she's finishing up? Not her marriage, as I posted about...?
Author bigalagain Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 I can't tell if you are legitimately asking me these questions or trying to make a point here. I don't know which way she is going, but it looks to me like she's working on the marriage and suffered a bout of fall back. Yes we were talking work stuff mostly, although her "new life" isn't that of course
skylarblue Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Since you responded in a personal manner (outside of work related), yes, you broke NC. You shouldn't have responded even if it was/is platonic or innocent in nature. Although, it's often hard for APs to go NC (one or both, and sometimes take numerous efforts), the BS (as a man and H) has asked/told you not to contact her, and as a man you should respect that, even at times when the person who should most (the W) hasn't. I'm sure he has the understanding with her that she would not do so also, and even though she may not have shown commitment to R, you (your contact/responding) should not be a factor in her lack of. Although, the exchange was casual, I am skeptical that there was not conscious thought on her part. She obviously wanted to make contact with you, first by trying not to make contact with you via unnecessary "work" email in hopes that you would respond, therefore giving her an opening to engage. When that didn't work, she bit the bullet and created the opening herself. I'm not saying she's trying to start the R again (I don't know to what extent you were involved), but there was motive (whether missing you, wanting to know if you were still receptive, etc). IMO it may have been casual convo, but it wasn't quite innocent (meaning totally spontaneous and without thought) on her part. Of course, that's just pure speculation on mine.
Author bigalagain Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 Most people deal in absolutes on this board and I understand why. Shades of meaning are huge in affairs. I accept responsibility for participating in breaking NC, but I do not see her behavior as abandoning her work on her marriage. I certainly don't see it as indication that she has chosen me (or the affair) instead. I don't want an affair anymore at any rate. She might be trying to keep me on the hook, but more likely she just missed me or reflexively fell back into a patten of expressing misgivings to me.
TaraMaiden Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 ...more likely she just missed me or reflexively fell back into a patten of expressing misgivings to me. Then she shows a great lack of discipline and poor judgement. When she and her H both stipulated NC to you, she should have known then - as I am sure she is completely aware now - that it cut both ways, and had no exception. The bottom line is, she broke the rules, and engaged you in a conversation that did not entirely focus on work. If her H. knew this, he would be pretty pissed~off - and quite rightly so. 1
Author bigalagain Posted January 17, 2013 Author Posted January 17, 2013 True. She's only got about 2 weeks left and then she'll be out if luck so I am not too worried
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