The Down-side to having a work wife?

[ledfeet]

So I took the advice of a few of you and bought the book (audio book) of "Not Just Friends". I'm through the first 5 chapters. Its almost like this book was written just for me. If not by me...

 

Anyway, thanks for the advice!

[2sunny]

Tell your W. and start having/planning lunch with your wife instead of the OW.

 

Diminish the personal contact/conversations with the OW and focus on building intimacy with your wife.

[BrokenPrincess]

Lf,

I just wanted to say I'm really impressed that you're taking the steps to realize something isn't right with your work relationship & course-correct before it progresses.

 

I wish I had been that self-aware. My closest friend on my team lived 1500 miles away, well-liked for being such a "good guy", & married for 20 years. I dismissed the tingles I felt when I saw him, ignored that it was crossing boundaries to walk arm-in-arm, touching my hair or my hand on his knee. This all felt natural from the first time I met him, but we were both happily married. We were not in an EA, just small inappropriate physical boundaries crossed. Never in a million years would I have guessed he would cheat on his wife.

 

Well guess what? Turns out he felt the same way & had no idea I was attracted to him too. All discovered after our first kiss. We kissed for hours. Then had an EA (due to distance) and consummated full PA once we finally saw each other again a few months later.

 

So PLEASE, from someone who is still reeling after doing what I never thought either of us was capable of, nip it on the bud now and refocus on your W. Once you're in full affair fog, you will become completely detached from your W and then suffer the worst heartbreak when the A ends (even if your W never finds out).

[ledfeet]

OK, so here I am again... I didn't finish the audio book yet. I never was good at finishing books. But here's how my own book seems to be wrapping up...

I've had a lot of stress at work lately, and some of it caused by this work relationship. I started to kinda pull away from her and put some distance between us. But whenever I would do that, she would notice and start asking questions. Maybe the book would've helped me do a better job of this, but I guess I'm an idiot.

Anyway, this went on for a week or so, and one day when I wasn't talking to her, she started getting really mad at me. I was angry about something else, and didn't want to share with her. She was starting to get pissed at me, and things started to escalate a little. So I told her to go get lunch with me, and I'd tell her. So I did. I told her I had feelings for her. She actually took it really easy. It was almost funny at first. We talked about and joked even... not a huge deal after all. I felt really good.

We both talked about how nothing like that was going to happen, and so everything seemed fine.

But that night I couldn't stop thinking about it. It went too well. I didn't seem to get any closure. So after a lot of thought, I decided that I needed to hear her really say "I DO NOT HAVE THE SAME FEELINGS FOR YOU. NOTHING WILL EVER HAPPEN BETWEEN US." So when I explained that to her, it must've hit her a little different than it had the day before. Now she's really freaked out about everything.

She hardly talks to me any more, and is actively looking for another job. She says she's fine, but she doesn't want to talk about it any more, and hardly wants to talk to me at all. She's even gone as far as telling our boss about it so that he won't stand in the way of her finding a new job. Very awkward...

OK, so I guess I really screwed up now. There is a side of me that feels terrible for destroying a friendship... but there's also a side of me that kinda feels like maybe I can get past this now and move on with my life. I have to admit, things seem simpler when she's not around. I can concentrate on my work and not have to worry about "girl problems".

I don't know... overall I feel very down. Like I'm losing an old friend... an old girlfriend... But I suppose its for the better.

[ledfeet]

Don't feel down.

The physical affair you're hoping for will soon start up whether she finds another job or not.

 

You always have a way of making me feel worse... Do you only read the parts of my posts that make me seem like the devil? Yes I'm down because this whole thing seems to be coming to an end, but dont i even get a little credit for feeling good that its coming to an end?

 

You also seem to be totally missing the fact that this whole thing is and always has been one sided. She does not want anything to do with me, and its now been made very clear.

 

Stop imagining how your own story ends...

[kamani]

I think she had feelings for you but she wants to end it. She wants to protect her marriage.

 

Let her be as she is now and let her find a new job. Don't go asking for reasons, why she behaves distant and all. The friendship was damaged beyond repair, a long ago, now act before your marriage is beyond repair.

 

Best thing to do is NC.

[ledfeet]

I think she had feelings for you but she wants to end it. She wants to protect her marriage.

 

Let her be as she is now and let her find a new job. Don't go asking for reasons, why she behaves distant and all. The friendship was damaged beyond repair, a long ago, now act before your marriage is beyond repair.

 

Best thing to do is NC.

 

You might be right... I don't know. It just seems odd that when I finally come clean with my feelings, she does this. Just doesn't make sense to me. But yes, NC is my only route since she has involved others now. I think thats what hurts the most... I never tried to make a move on her or do anything to violate her space. The worst thing I did was share my feelings with what I thought was a good friend that I could trust.

Definitely will be concentrating on my marriage now...

[spice4life]

Yeah, focus on your own life and don't worry about what she is doing. It seems odd that she would take such drastic action and tell her boss. Seems a bit melodramatic to me, but who knows. I can see why that would hurt though. She gets to move to a new job and your left sitting with the knowledge that people know your business. What was she like to you before you discloed your feelings? Was she flirtatious and did she seem to enjoy the attention you gave her? The reason I ask (and sorry, didn't read your back story) is because if she flirted and enjoyed the attention and then turned on you, you dodged a bullet. That has drama written all over it. If she wasn't flirtatious with you and kept her working relationship wth you friendly and strictly professional then I can understand why she would feel a little freaked out. However, taking it to the boss is a little over the top when all she had to do was to be honest and say she feels uncomfortable working with you now and is changing jobs. Telling her boss leaves you in a precarious position because you still have to work there.

[waterwoman]

How's your wife doing at the moment?

[ledfeet]

How's your wife doing at the moment?

 

I think my wife and I are fine. We have problems, but most of those stem from some challenging children we have... Is there something else you're driving at though?

[ledfeet]

Yeah, focus on your own life and don't worry about what she is doing. It seems odd that she would take such drastic action and tell her boss. Seems a bit melodramatic to me, but who knows. I can see why that would hurt though. She gets to move to a new job and your left sitting with the knowledge that people know your business. What was she like to you before you discloed your feelings? Was she flirtatious and did she seem to enjoy the attention you gave her? The reason I ask (and sorry, didn't read your back story) is because if she flirted and enjoyed the attention and then turned on you, you dodged a bullet. That has drama written all over it. If she wasn't flirtatious with you and kept her working relationship wth you friendly and strictly professional then I can understand why she would feel a little freaked out. However, taking it to the boss is a little over the top when all she had to do was to be honest and say she feels uncomfortable working with you now and is changing jobs. Telling her boss leaves you in a precarious position because you still have to work there.

 

We didn't really flirt much at all. Honestly. But we were good friends and shared a lot. There would be some occasional flirting, but it was rare and ended as quickly as it started. And believe it or not, it was mostly from her towards me.

What was more prominant though was just the way she treated me.

Like she would treat a boyfriend of husband. We would go out to lunch 2 or 3 times a week. And 90% of the time, it was her asking me to go with her. We knew each other pretty well too. She had no problem using my straw to try my drink if she wants a taste. Or she could order my lunch for me if I had to step out for a minute because she knew what I wanted. Or if we were in her car, she would change the music to a station that she knew I liked even if she didn't. If she were out running errands at lunch, she’d call me to see if I needed anything. She told me things about her life, that I’m sure nobody else in the office knows. If she lost weight, she would come to me first thing and show me the pants she’s wearing that she hasn’t fit in since college. So again, it was the little signals that I was getting that I think sparked my interest. So I don't know... maybe we were somewhere in between. Maybe she just saw it as being really nice to me and I mis-read it... We work close together and were kind of a 'Dynamic Duo' for quite a while. Heck, I even trained her when she came to this job. Maybe I just read our relationship all wrong. But yes, she did seem to enjoy being my "partner" at work, and maybe some of that was the attention she got from me.

As for telling our boss, she didn't try to get me in trouble or anything, but yes, it was awkward. He isn't pissed at me, but obvoiusly wants to make sure everything is cool. He and I are going to go have a drink after work tonight to talk some more.

The thing is, even though she's job hunting, she's still here. In fact, as I type, she's 10 feet away from me right now. Its all just very confusing...

[woinlove]

You might be right... I don't know. It just seems odd that when I finally come clean with my feelings, she does this. Just doesn't make sense to me. But yes, NC is my only route since she has involved others now. I think thats what hurts the most... I never tried to make a move on her or do anything to violate her space. The worst thing I did was share my feelings with what I thought was a good friend that I could trust.

Definitely will be concentrating on my marriage now...

 

Do you know if she has been sharing your interactions with her H? If so, and if they discussed your disclosure of your feelings, they might have agreed the best thing was for her to try to minimize interaction with you. When even one person in a friendship with a married person has romantic feelings, it is often best to cool it and maybe she sees it this way. The alternative is to try to ignore your feelings. But a wise person would know that is tricky because if she goes through a vulnerable time, she might let something happen. As tough as it is, I think she may be displaying appropriate boundaries for a married woman.

 

As to whether she has romantic feelings, I don't know. But she hasn't said she does. She may either not have them or she may only share them with her husband (my H and I discuss any attraction we have for others, but we never tell the other person unless we want to pursue something).

 

I'm sorry for your feeling of loss, but romantic feelings do seriously complicate any friendship, and even more so if one or both parties are married. It likely is for the best if you two don't have much contact, unless at some point, you no longer have romantic feelings. They must have been quite strong to feel compelled to tell her. Don't feel bad about your feelings, but if I were in your shoes, I would be discussing all this with my spouse, no with my co-worker. Not discussing these things will weaken the intimacy in your M and with a lack of intimacy, a lack of in love feelings often follows.

[woinlove]

You might be right... I don't know. It just seems odd that when I finally come clean with my feelings, she does this. Just doesn't make sense to me. But yes, NC is my only route since she has involved others now. I think thats what hurts the most... I never tried to make a move on her or do anything to violate her space. The worst thing I did was share my feelings with what I thought was a good friend that I could trust.

Definitely will be concentrating on my marriage now...

 

Actually, ledfeet, I'm sorry to say but you were not a good friend to her. Let's say she really considered you a good friend and not a romantic interest. So, from her perspective, you two were good friends, both happily married to other people. Nothing wrong with that. Then, one day you tell her you have romantic feelings for her. How is that being a friend? Do you value all of her, including the fact that she is a loving wife and mother? How does you declaration of romantic feelings fit in with the most important part of her life, her family? How do you expect her H to react to the news that you, a person she described as a friend, has declared romantic feelings for her?

 

If she is moving jobs because of this, I expect she has discussed this all with her H and they are likely on the same page. That is where you should be with your W, on the same page with respect to how you dealt with your colleague. I suggested you not declare your feelings, unless your W thought it was a good idea. But I get the impression that you have not discussed this with your W. Now you have even more you are keeping from your W - your feelings and your declaration of them to your colleague and her reaction. Not good, if you want to stay married.

[Journee]

I read that you believe that she treated you like she would a husbAnd or boyfriend. That speaks volumes about what you wanted to take place. You stated that you also believed she was very inlove with her husband and family life yet you were hoping to move in on her with total disregard for what she values most in the world. Despite the absence of any complaints or issues in her M that you are aware about. That doesn't seem very friendly. You may be in a place where your M is something you have contemplated jeopardizing but clearly she is not.

 

Are you at all concerned that your declaration will get back to your wife? She has already informed your boss. She most likely will confide in her H ,a Co-worker etc. Her H could choose to let the cat out of the bag. EspecIially since you have met him. He may be very insulted. Your friend is willing to leave her job based upon this. There really isn't anything to be confused about. She wants to preserve her marriage , her life and her professional reputation. If you care for her you will let her do this. You told her your feelings and this was a turn off. A married woman who hears this from a married man should steer clear if she values her husband. Good for her.

 

Now you can hopefully redirect your affection to the woman who has dedicated her life to you. Imagine how hurt you would be if your wife proclaimed such feelings for another man. Use this as a wake up call. Your M, if you want it, is what is real. All that glitters out there in the world surely isn't gold. Many learn this the hard way when their spouse learns the truth. Don't let that be you. If you want to pursue other women then let your wife go. It is cruel to "fall" for someone else when she presumably is faithful and dedicated to you.

 

 

Good Luck

Edited February 7, 2013 by Journee

[Zetarry]

OP, your situation is unfortunate but I also believe you owe the truth to your wife if you want to have a healthy M. You should thank heavens ur co-worker did not share the same feelings as you or confessed them. She clearly values her family; what if she confessed the same feelings to you, saying how unhappy she is you cannot further pursue both your feelings and started crying on each other's shoulders? You would be f****** her right now. You genuinely seem to be sorry she did not share the same feelings you do, rather than lose a 'good friend'. You need to listen to everyone's advice here and discuss with ur wife, go to MC, completely detach yourself from the OW. She looks like a decent woman if she immediately decides to look for another job to make the situation less awkward for both of you. Wish you luck and keep us posted.

[ledfeet]

So I've read all the posts from the last week or so, and I really appreciate all the feedback and advice.

I want you all to know, that I know I'm no saint in this matter. There's definitely a part of me that wanted the relationship to blow into a full on physical affair. But the truth is, the bigger part of me feared losing my family, and causing her to lose hers. I truly am a good person and love being a dad, and don't want to be "that guy." I've been married nearly 14 years and have been in my job for nearly 15 years. I have worked with attractive women before and have never had this happen. I've never cheated on my wife and never even had an EA. This has all been new to me and very confusing and painful at times.

I guess recently I got to a point where I needed to make something happen. I couldn't go on hiding my feelings and feeling the way I did. I had several options, and decided on just telling her. I knew there was the risk that she might feel the same way. Maybe a part of me wanted to hear that, but again, mostly I did not. I wanted it to end and just be friends. I know some of you won't believe me when I say that, but its true.

Well, I'm not sure how it will all really end, but its definitely ending. She has told her husband, but apparently he's not pissed at me or ready to kill me. But she wants to move on, and doesn't really want to talk about it any more and I've accepted that. She's still being friendly to me, which makes things easier since we do still sit next to each other. Yesterday I was even helping her work on her internal resume' and giving her some advice on her job hunt.

I think we're still friends, and it kinda feels nice knowing that's as far as its going to go. I'm still hurting quite a bit knowing that she's running away from me, but I guess every day gets a little better. Its also nice just knowing I can even talk to my boss about this now as he's been really understanding and isn't mad at me. I guess in the end, it will be a happy ending, I just have to let go and allow myself to feel the happy part. And I really do want the best for her, and wouldn't want something like this to hurt her career or family life.

I also see a lot of you saying I should tell my W. I just don't know if I'm ready for that, although I do understand why you think I should. I think I can accomplish the same goal by just refocusing on her, and not my co worker. I truly plan to do that and have already started.

Anyway, I'll keep you all posted on how things go. I really do appreciate the sincere and thoughtful feedback I've received on this site. Truly a blessing to know there are complete strangers who would take the time to care...

[ledfeet]

You just don't get it do you?^^^

 

In any case, your work wife probably had an affair at some point earlier in their marriage and they experienced a Dday.

 

Once you confessed, she went from existing in her safe ("I'm not doing anything wrong") bubble right into reality. Your confession made what she convinced herself to be appropriate - inappropriate. If she cheated before, that would then "force" her to tell her husband because she knew it would turn physical. In other words, as a probable former cheater, she KNEW she wouldn't be able to control herself now that "things" were out in the open. Confession of feelings is essentially the gateway to jumpstarting a physical affair - even if one party initially denies feelings.

 

The sudden departure from the company (particularly telling your boss) sounds exactly like something a former WS would need/be forced to do to for the BS and their marriage.

 

Maybe i don't get it still... Is she a former cheater? I don't know... Shes never told me that. It sounds like you have more experience in this than I do. I don't mean to come across angry at you, but it seems you hate me... Or the person you think I am. Yes, Im very confused at times and am trying to take advice and formulate my own solution. I really feel better about where things are going now. Even if she is a former cheater, she has re-drawn the lines between her and I and I'm happy for it. I also feel like i can move on and start to re-focus on my wife and family. Yes, I've made mistakes, but i feel like I've found a path forward. What else do you want from me? Do i get it? I guess not, but i feel like this is coming to a close finally... Isn't that the goal?

[woinlove]

So I've read all the posts from the last week or so, and I really appreciate all the feedback and advice.

I want you all to know, that I know I'm no saint in this matter. There's definitely a part of me that wanted the relationship to blow into a full on physical affair. But the truth is, the bigger part of me feared losing my family, and causing her to lose hers. I truly am a good person and love being a dad, and don't want to be "that guy." I've been married nearly 14 years and have been in my job for nearly 15 years. I have worked with attractive women before and have never had this happen. I've never cheated on my wife and never even had an EA. This has all been new to me and very confusing and painful at times.

I guess recently I got to a point where I needed to make something happen. I couldn't go on hiding my feelings and feeling the way I did. I had several options, and decided on just telling her. I knew there was the risk that she might feel the same way. Maybe a part of me wanted to hear that, but again, mostly I did not. I wanted it to end and just be friends. I know some of you won't believe me when I say that, but its true.

Well, I'm not sure how it will all really end, but its definitely ending. She has told her husband, but apparently he's not pissed at me or ready to kill me. But she wants to move on, and doesn't really want to talk about it any more and I've accepted that. She's still being friendly to me, which makes things easier since we do still sit next to each other. Yesterday I was even helping her work on her internal resume' and giving her some advice on her job hunt.

I think we're still friends, and it kinda feels nice knowing that's as far as its going to go. I'm still hurting quite a bit knowing that she's running away from me, but I guess every day gets a little better. Its also nice just knowing I can even talk to my boss about this now as he's been really understanding and isn't mad at me. I guess in the end, it will be a happy ending, I just have to let go and allow myself to feel the happy part. And I really do want the best for her, and wouldn't want something like this to hurt her career or family life.

I also see a lot of you saying I should tell my W. I just don't know if I'm ready for that, although I do understand why you think I should. I think I can accomplish the same goal by just refocusing on her, and not my co worker. I truly plan to do that and have already started.

Anyway, I'll keep you all posted on how things go. I really do appreciate the sincere and thoughtful feedback I've received on this site. Truly a blessing to know there are complete strangers who would take the time to care...

 

I don't see anything that suggests she has cheated. In fact, by telling her H about your declaration, it suggests she has a good marriage and gives that high priority. Good for her.

 

Meanwhile, it doesn't sound like your M is very good, if you felt you had to tell another woman about your feelings, rather than telling your W. If intimacy is important to you, I think you need to work on communicating with your W. Seems the woman you called your "work wife" is taking care of her M, and I think you would benefit from doing the same.

 

Don't you find it strange that one of your colleague's husbands as well as your boss know about your romantic longings, all while you are keeping your wife in the dark about them? It shows your priorities are not with your wife or marriage. Again, if you don't value your M that is fine. But I suspect you would miss your W and M if you lost them. You are already sliding down the slope by creating an gap between the two of you and honesty is the way to close it.

[woinlove]

People don't usually feel the need to quit their job over a co-worker revealing a crush.

Her behavior screams former WS.

 

I see your point. Her leaving her job because of ledfeet does suggest something, unless she really wanted to move jobs anyway, and the awkwardness with having ledfeet declare his feelings to her was just a tipping point. In any case, discussing this all with her H seems like a good thing to do. I would certainly tell my H if some co-worker declared romantic feelings for me as I think anyone with a good M would do. Also she never declared any romantic feelings for ledfeet, which is also good.

 

Ledfeet, you don't seem to understand the kind of communication that is needed to nurture a good marriage. One day this may bite you hard, even if you feel your M is coasting alone fine without honest and open communication for now.

Edited February 9, 2013 by woinlove

[ledfeet]

Ok, well I hear what you guys are saying, but there isn't much i can do now. I guess i just didn't know how to proceed... Short of telling my W.

I do feel like she led me on at times... And maybe breaking down and telling her about my feelings was my way of calling her out... "If you're toying with me, stop. If you want to go knock one off in the conference room, lets go... otherwise, stop playing games." You guys don't understand how difficult it can be to feel like you're being teased sometimes.

And yes, I agree that I'm not sure my marriage is strong enough right now, or if I have enough balls, to tell my W. But I'm recognizing that now and want to fix that. Maybe if something like this happens again, I will have the strength to tell my W.

I think regardless of whats driving her to change jobs, it seems to me it should be a good thing for me. I've learned a lot and have no intentions of getting into this kind of mess again... I love my family and want that forever.

[2sunny]

Just the fact that you would say "let's go know one out" is terribly disrespectful to her, to her M, to your W and to your M!

 

Your M is a sham - and your W doesn't even know it!

 

You are a guy that "offered cheating" - you may as well be classified a cheater since you would have done it when you offered.

 

 

You're not the husband your wife THOUGHT she married.

 

Your W deserves better!!!

[ledfeet]

Just the fact that you would say "let's go know one out" is terribly disrespectful to her, to her M, to your W and to your M!

 

Your M is a sham - and your W doesn't even know it!

 

You are a guy that "offered cheating" - you may as well be classified a cheater since you would have done it when you offered.

 

 

You're not the husband your wife THOUGHT she married.

 

Your W deserves better!!!

 

What I put in quotes was NOT what I actually said... it was what I was feeling though. Trying to figure out how to stop her putting out the vibe to me that she was. Again, she treated me like her boyfriend. I'm still yet to hear any of you say anything bad about her for treating a married man like her own boyfriend! What's your response to that?

Regardless of you guys trying to make me out to be a typical ********* man, I'm feeling better about where I am now and am at least on a path to closure. I've prevented a physical relationship from happening, which is still a bit of a win. I'm sorry you all hate me because I didn't do it the way you wanted, but I guess that's how it has to be.

Remember, it takes two to tango... and I'm the one that stopped it before it truly did go to far!

I hate getting defensive on here, because I am truly looking for advice. But it seems the more I say, the more I"m hated.

[ledfeet]

Want exactly did you learn?

Not to reveal your feelings until the next other woman does first?

 

You'll dive right into an affair if this woman comes fishing.

You want an affair (that much is obvious), but you want to keep your family intact too.

 

People like you won't "learn" until you cheat and get caught.

 

You keep forgetting I've been married for over 14 years, and have never once had an affair of any kind until this EA. It was not something I was looking for, but it happened. I'm sorry it happened, and I did what I could to end it, even though maybe not the recommended way. Even if she threw herself on me, I don't think I could have done anything. Its just not who I am.

What I learned was that becoming too close emotionally to another woman can be dangerous... even if you think its quite innocent and friendly. Again, this has never happened to me before, so I didn't realize what I was getting in to. It will not happen again. I know you don't believe me, and that's fine... I don't have to prove anything to you.

I've also learned that some people on here seem to really want to help. Others just want to judge and throw people like me to the wolves. I don't know how badly you've been hurt in your past, but I'm sorry for whatever happened. I'm not that guy though.

[ledfeet]

Trust me - I'm not projecting.

I'm predicting.

 

We see men and women JUST like you with the SAME story on here ALL THE TIME.

 

Ok, well I'm going to end this little relationship as well, because its clear that I've worn out my welcome.

Let me give you some advice now... If you really want to try and be a legit relationship therapist, you might want to consider actually being helpful. Instead of laying out my destiny for me and telling me how Im going to fail, why not help me understand how I got into this mess and how to get out? You seem to be relishing in the possibility of me ruining my marriage. Instead of getting advice, I'm getting my fortune told! But fortunately you don't do that well either...

Anyway, you still haven't responded to what my "work wife" did wrong, even after i asked you to... That speaks volumes as too!

[Decorative]

Ok, well I'm going to end this little relationship as well, because its clear that I've worn out my welcome.

Let me give you some advice now... If you really want to try and be a legit relationship therapist, you might want to consider actually being helpful. Instead of laying out my destiny for me and telling me how Im going to fail, why not help me understand how I got into this mess and how to get out? You seem to be relishing in the possibility of me ruining my marriage. Instead of getting advice, I'm getting my fortune told! But fortunately you don't do that well either...

Anyway, you still haven't responded to what my "work wife" did wrong, even after i asked you to... That speaks volumes as too!

 

You've gotten excellent advice.

 

You've chosen to ignore it.

 

Nobody is trying to be your therapist. People were actually trying to help you, and help your wife.

 

That's a you problem. Not a problem of the people who are responding to you. We've seen this storyline before. We know how it ends. People are trying to save you from pain.

 

But in the end, it's your choice.