The Down-side to having a work wife?

[2sunny]

I know, i just don't know what to do...

 

Yes, you do!

 

Don't play stupid now - you'll find MORE trouble for yourself that way.

 

Do not engage in any personal talk with the work gal. Distance yourself.

 

Get reconnected to your wife by spending more time with her.

 

Get marriage counseling! And hurry!

[ledfeet]

Are you out of your mind?

You sound like it . . . and you have no respect for your wife.

 

Making nicey nice with the unsuspecting husband and wife is what people who want to cheat (or are cheating) do so they can spend more time together.

 

I'm not buying your innocent act.

You want this little "friendship" to progress and you attempted to use your wife and her husband to do it.

 

Classic.

 

This is an anonymous post to complete strangers looking for advice. I have no reason to put on an act. I admit i'm confused and not making all the right decisions, but I'm at least trying to figure things out and not ruin anyone's marriage!

[ledfeet]

When there is an affair going on-----in this case clearly an EA this is the most humiliating thing you could do to your wife. And this is the most humiliating thing your MOW could do to her husband.

 

Your wife will be there clueless about your EA as she tries to make conversation with your MOW. Do you want your wife to play the role of the fool. I don't know why so many folks in affairs do this. I guess they lack empathy.

 

My thought process was that if i could establish them as friends too, then maybe my other feelings would go away. Obviously my wife wasn't interested, and i guess thats for the best. Stupid idea... i know.

[ledfeet]

Yes, you do!

 

Don't play stupid now - you'll find MORE trouble for yourself that way.

 

Do not engage in any personal talk with the work gal. Distance yourself.

 

Get reconnected to your wife by spending more time with her.

 

Get marriage counseling! And hurry!

 

I just hate that i cant be co-workers/ friends with this girl like we were before... We've never done anything.... I dont know why i suddenly developed such feelings for her. I can work on my relationship with my W, but i feel like i need to give up a good friend too. It just sucks...

[ComingInHot]

ledfeet;

Feelings are finicky. They are real. But still very finicky and come and go w/the changing tides in our lives.

You may not be able to help how you feel but you most certainly can take command of your actions, behaviors, thoughts and focus.

 

So, ya, do that. Take control. *

[whichwayisup]

I just hate that i cant be co-workers/ friends with this girl like we were before... We've never done anything.... I dont know why i suddenly developed such feelings for her. I can work on my relationship with my W, but i feel like i need to give up a good friend too. It just sucks...

 

Why? because you let two spent way too much time together. You had private, personal conversations with her, opened up, became kind of vunerable. You put effort into her and that friendship, cultivated it - And yes, without you realizing that by doing that, feelings were starting. the problem is now? Your feelings are different towards your wife. You're emotionally attached to the co worker and detached from your wife.

 

Your wife vs good friend at work. decide which is more important, make that the person you choose the NUMBER ONE Priority, detach from other person who is not high priority.

 

If you want your wife and your marriage, I hope you make the right choice.

 

Your co worker needs to do the same.

 

Nothing wrong with letting her know that you two are spending too much time together and it's not up for a discussion or debate, but out of respect for your wife and her husband, BOTH of you need to back off and stop being such close friends.

[ledfeet]

Yeah, I'm sure it just sucks.

 

She's not your "good friend."

You want to **** her.

 

If she were your "good friend," she'd be good friends with your wife too.

And since you were unable to con your unsuspecting wife into becoming friends with her, it's time to end the emotional affair you have going on and tell your wife.

 

I suppose that is the problem... We were friends, but now i want to **** her. Somewhere along the line something changed and i didn't see it coming. I liked things better before. I'm fortunate enough to see what is going on now, and want to fix it before it really gets out of control.

 

And even though you think i'm a con or a phony, i am listening to your advice.

[ow9]

Ledfeet, I commend you. I wasn't as strong as you. I met my exMM on a job site and it's near impossible not to ever have feelings for someone when most days you spend more time at work than you do at home. Hence the term "office spouse." You did the right thing by looking for help before you crossed that line. So, you want to eff her. Let me spare everyone the suspense and just tell you now that it's going to be awesome. Since you'll be in an affair, it'll be the best sex of your life. Fun fact though? You could lose your W, your life, in the process. Stay strong ledfeet. I wish there were more guys out there like you.

[BetrayedH]

I hope you will consider getting the book that was mentioned, Not Just Friends.

 

Personally, I think it should be required reading before anyone is issued a marriage certificate. My wife said that if she had read it prior, she never would have had her affair.

 

It will open your eyes. You will see your relationship with your co-worker in a completely different light. You say you're confused. Go educate yourself. Your situation is not remotely unique; in fact, it is a very predictable pattern once you're trained to see it.

[ow9]

Wow. I don't know who this Alice is, but you do "get it" because you came here for help. Yes, you know exactly what you're doing but want to stop yourself before you do something you might regret. That is beyond commendable. None of us can tell you what to do. Tell the W, or don't. Talk to the office W about it, or don't. That's a decision you will need to make. But I encourage you to do the research, like BH suggested. Read stories on here. Read that book. Then you can make the best decision for you. I think a lot of us on this forum who found LS after the A had ended wish they would have discovered it sooner.

[waterwoman]

Perhaps marriage certificates should contain a printed disclaimer:

 

"** Please note, feelings of love may go down as well as up depending on circumstances.

Marriage does not guarantee permanent lack of attraction for other people.

Marriage maintenance not included. Please consider ensuring marriage is kept in good working order with frequent applications of time and attention"

[ow9]

". . . but want to stop yourself BEFORE doing something?"

 

He's ALREADY having an affair.

 

And the kind of affair he's having is just as (or even more) pathological than a one-time **** on the conference room table.

 

But he's trying to stop it before it becomes physical AS WELL. I find it refreshing to see someone acknowledge what's going on. Most, myself included, were completely blind inside the affair bubble. The first step to fixing a problem is admitting you have one. Hence why he's here. He knows what's happening, even if he doesn't come out and say it. I don't know, I'm supporting ledfeet. He's more courageous than I was. That's for damn sure.

[whichwayisup]

I suppose that is the problem... We were friends, but now i want to **** her. Somewhere along the line something changed and i didn't see it coming. I liked things better before. I'm fortunate enough to see what is going on now, and want to fix it before it really gets out of control.

 

And even though you think i'm a con or a phony, i am listening to your advice.

 

This is why you must distance and detach yourself. The lines have been crossed and you let yourself get too close to another woman that is not your wife.

 

Put yourself in your wife's shoes and imagine her doing what you are doing. I'm sure you would not like it one bit and you'd feel hurt, betrayed and jealous too.

 

You cannot 'fix' the friendship with the co worker, things can't go back to where they once were because of how you feel. It's all changed. So, the only way to solve this is to refocus ALL your energy into your wife and tell the co worker why you're backing off and that it's the right thing to do for obvious reasons.

[ledfeet]

Here we go again, The universal phrase: Se in bold.

 

Why do all folks involved in an affair use the silly excuse that "it just happened, didn't see it coming, was not my intention, not looking to cheat", etc?

 

The truth is that you are aware it is happening. You are aware you want to f**** this woman. You are aware that there is a line and you are on your way to cross the line.

 

 

Nevertheless, every time I read a post by an OW or OM it always start with one of the above excuses.:laugh:

 

These cliches are so predictable.

 

In fact I predict that you will soon say:

 

"I love my wife, but I am not in love with her".

 

Mark my words. You will say the above as soon as you f**** this woman.

 

Probably why so many people say those phrases is because they're true. I didn't see it coming. I wasn't looking for an affair. It wasn't my intention. I've had female friends at work many times... Very attractive ones. But I never crossed some of the lines I've crossed with this one or had any feelings for them. And yes, I do now see the lines I've crossed... but I've never crossed the physical line, and that's why I'm trying to figure out how to put on the brakes. I completely own the situation I'm in now, and want to fix it.

 

Keep in mind a couple things I said in my original post... I do eat lunch and hang out with her a lot. I mentioned flirting as something that comes in to play once in a while, but its very seldom and never lasts but a second. Its rare. I also believe she's totally in love with her husband, and has no intention of cheating with me. It would take a lot of effort and work on my part to get her in the sack, but that's not something I'm pursuing. I would never take the risk and propose that. I suppose knowing all this makes my situation a little easier to control, but its still difficult for me as I'm alone in those feelings. I know I'm not going to **** her. I'm just trying to figure out how to stop wanting to.

[woinlove]

Probably why so many people say those phrases is because they're true. I didn't see it coming. I wasn't looking for an affair. It wasn't my intention. I've had female friends at work many times... Very attractive ones. But I never crossed some of the lines I've crossed with this one or had any feelings for them. And yes, I do now see the lines I've crossed... but I've never crossed the physical line, and that's why I'm trying to figure out how to put on the brakes. I completely own the situation I'm in now, and want to fix it.

 

Keep in mind a couple things I said in my original post... I do eat lunch and hang out with her a lot. I mentioned flirting as something that comes in to play once in a while, but its very seldom and never lasts but a second. Its rare. I also believe she's totally in love with her husband, and has no intention of cheating with me. It would take a lot of effort and work on my part to get her in the sack, but that's not something I'm pursuing. I would never take the risk and propose that. I suppose knowing all this makes my situation a little easier to control, but its still difficult for me as I'm alone in those feelings. I know I'm not going to **** her. I'm just trying to figure out how to stop wanting to.

 

I have had strong attractions and wanted to **** another man and sometimes they don't go away for a long time even though I don't want to pursue anything. But meanwhile, I am careful not to let the other man know, my H and I discuss it, we laugh at it sometimes, and it makes me realize how little it matters in the greater scheme of things. I value the love I share for my H, feel blessed by our family, and these attractions are just a bit of fluff on the top, that my H and I can even enjoy together in our discussions and jokes. I find if you keep the focus on what really matters to you, and are open and honest in your M so there is lots of intimacy, it's all sweet. I don't know how much you are working on intimacy with your W, but maybe putting even more effort there will bring you two even closer. If you feel you must keep this all a secret from your W, then maybe some counselling will help repair the intimacy in your M.

[ledfeet]

I have had strong attractions and wanted to **** another man and sometimes they don't go away for a long time even though I don't want to pursue anything. But meanwhile, I am careful not to let the other man know, my H and I discuss it, we laugh at it sometimes, and it makes me realize how little it matters in the greater scheme of things. I value the love I share for my H, feel blessed by our family, and these attractions are just a bit of fluff on the top, that my H and I can even enjoy together in our discussions and jokes. I find if you keep the focus on what really matters to you, and are open and honest in your M so there is lots of intimacy, it's all sweet. I don't know how much you are working on intimacy with your W, but maybe putting even more effort there will bring you two even closer. If you feel you must keep this all a secret from your W, then maybe some counselling will help repair the intimacy in your M.

 

I think i should've also said i want to figure out how to stop having feelings for her.... Not trying to make it sound like I've never wanted to **** another coworker, but it was easy to get past since i never got emotionally attached. This is the first time I've ever had a physical attraction AND an emotional attachment. And to your point maybe strengthening my relationship with my W is the first step in that. I would say this posting is the start of my counseling though and I'm feeling better about everything.

[ComingInHot]

ledfeet;

Have you acknowledged to yourself you are already engaging in an EA?

[watergirl12]

My H and I discuss our attractions to others with each other. This way there are no secret romantic attachments, even in our heads, and we can also ask each other for advice if we think we are getting distracted or the other (in this case, work) relationship is awkward in any way.

 

 

I think this is a fantastic idea.

[watergirl12]

Here we go again, The universal phrase: Se in bold.

 

Why do all folks involved in an affair use the silly excuse that "it just happened, didn't see it coming, was not my intention, not looking to cheat", etc?

 

The truth is that you are aware it is happening. You are aware you want to f**** this woman. You are aware that there is a line and you are on your way to cross the line.

 

 

Nevertheless, every time I read a post by an OW or OM it always start with one of the above excuses.:laugh:

 

These cliches are so predictable.

 

In fact I predict that you will soon say:

 

"I love my wife, but I am not in love with her".

 

Mark my words. You will say the above as soon as you f**** this woman.

 

 

Um...no.

 

I know you like to think that you are the all knowing psychologist but you fall short sometimes.

 

Is falling in love with your spouse the first time a cliche? Because it happens to everybody. Or is it only because it is a behavior that you don't approve of, that it is a cliche?

 

So many on here think the world is so black and white and it isn't.

 

Why does it happen?

 

Because most people can't tell the difference between when feelings for a friend you care about end, and when romantic feelings begin.

 

I have coworkers that I *LOVE* to go out to lunch with, that I love to chat with,that I can't wait to see. Just by definition, that could describe a romantic interest, not a work spouse.

 

So often times it does cross the line into romantic feelings, before the person knows it.

[watergirl12]

I’ve been married for several years and have two beautiful children. My wife and I are mostly happy together still, although things of course aren’t as romantic and exciting as they were before the kids. But all in all, I’m a pretty happy married guy

I work in an office setting at one of the largest companies in the world, and have been here for several years. Two years ago I met a lovely young lady who would be my new co-worker, and sits right next me. We get along very well, and over the last two years our relationship has grown pretty tight. She’s 9 years younger than me, and has been married for 2 years, and has a 1 year old daughter. She seems to be very much in love with her husband and daughter.

We do go to lunch together a lot, and spend time daily chatting face to face or on instant message. We talk about work a lot, but also personal things, etc. We know each others’ habits, our likes, and dis-likes, etc. Others in the office could think we have something going on since we’re together a lot, but its hard to say. We have joked, and had others joke, about us being “Work-spouses”. Sometimes our conversations seem a slight bit flirty, but for the most part we both keep things within proper boundaries.

What she doesn’t know, is that over the last half a year or so, I have developed a huge crush on her. I think about her when we’re not together…. I get jealous sometimes when I see her talking to another guy… etc., etc. I’ve never let her know about this… and I have no reason to believe she has a crush on me. Sometimes I feel like if we weren’t both married, we would be an item…. and that maybe she feels that way too... But I don’t know.

The bottom line is, I respect her and her marriage, and I have no intention of ruining that for her, or ruining my own marriage. I’m really not that kind of guy. And since it may just be me going through this secret crush, it can be painful at times to not be able to do anything about it or even talk about it to anyone.

I don’t plan to change jobs, nor would I want her to. (We make a very good team, professionally speaking) So I’m just wondering how in the heck do I get over these feelings? At times I think I’m getting over it, but then it comes back. We seem to be able to talk about anything, so sometimes I think I should just tell her… Let her know I just needed to get it off of my chest, so let’s talk about it, and get it behind us. But obviously this could backfire… Being awkward to work together, or something like that. I really don’t think she has the same feelings for me, so the relationship growing isn’t really a consequence I’m worried about.

So keeping in my mind I have no plan of cheating on my wife, or being a part of her cheating on her husband… how do I handle this? Any experience out there? Should I just come clean, or keep it to myself and deal with it? I’ve read a lot of posts similar to this and most say to just deal with it. But does it make it any difference if I don’t really have any intentions of “crossing the line” with her?

By the way, I’ve never had to deal with this before… in my entire marriage, I’ve never had a crush on anyone else. I want to do the right thing, but also not go through this internal pain...

 

 

If you understand your biological instincts, it will help you tone them down. Despite what many people think, humans are not meant to be monogymous, for either men or women. Monogamy is a societal demand, not a natural one.

 

Also being human, we are designed to want what we can't have.

 

Women and men now sharing a workplace makes this a very complicated formula, despite all the sexual harrassment standards in place. Which means that it forces you to seek out more like minded coworkers, both male and female. Hence, you have the same ideas, limits, and boundaries.

 

You see that this woman is very dedicted to her husband, has a cute baby, and is a smart worker, all of which is supposedly hands off for you.

 

Of course you are attracted to her.

 

Now take that and realize that someone else can see your wife in the very same light.

 

But you already have your wife, the chase is gone. That is where the hard part of marriage comes in. Keeping it interesting when it isn't.

 

Acknowledge your biology, and tell it to shut up.

[ledfeet]

ledfeet;

Have you acknowledged to yourself you are already engaging in an EA?

 

I think so, yes. Only after starting this discussion and getting all of this input though. I'm glad I'm here...

[BetrayedH]

Probably why so many people say those phrases is because they're true. I didn't see it coming. I wasn't looking for an affair. It wasn't my intention. I've had female friends at work many times... Very attractive ones. But I never crossed some of the lines I've crossed with this one or had any feelings for them. And yes, I do now see the lines I've crossed... but I've never crossed the physical line, and that's why I'm trying to figure out how to put on the brakes. I completely own the situation I'm in now, and want to fix it.

 

Keep in mind a couple things I said in my original post... I do eat lunch and hang out with her a lot. I mentioned flirting as something that comes in to play once in a while, but its very seldom and never lasts but a second. Its rare. I also believe she's totally in love with her husband, and has no intention of cheating with me. It would take a lot of effort and work on my part to get her in the sack, but that's not something I'm pursuing. I would never take the risk and propose that. I suppose knowing all this makes my situation a little easier to control, but its still difficult for me as I'm alone in those feelings. I know I'm not going to **** her. I'm just trying to figure out how to stop wanting to.

 

Then you have to dig a hell of a lot deeper than "it just happened." She's not a mystical creature. There are patterns at play here that you need to recognize. And you need to discover your personal "why."

[whichwayisup]

I think so, yes. Only after starting this discussion and getting all of this input though. I'm glad I'm here...

 

You didn't intentionally choose this, but on some level you must know that it's wrong and things could change (towards an affair) otherwise you wouldn't be here..

 

Do your best NOT to let your ego get in the way. Meaning, I'm sure you're very curious as to what she feels and thinks about you.. The thing is, even if she tells you and opens up her feelings and you tell her how you feel, that IS the beginning stages of 'something'. The energy will change between you two and you'll be much more aware of little things that you didn't notice before, you'll maybe try to choose better clothing for work, make sure you smell good all the time around her, stuff like that. DON'T. Just stop putting effort and your time into her. It isn't innocent like it once was because you're aware of the what if's now.

 

Focus on your wife. Make plans for a romantic getaway. Put all that energy into your wife and don't waste it on someone who is NOT your wife.

[BetrayedH]

If you understand your biological instincts, it will help you tone them down. Despite what many people think, humans are not meant to be monogymous, for either men or women. Monogamy is a societal demand, not a natural one.

 

Also being human, we are designed to want what we can't have.

 

Women and men now sharing a workplace makes this a very complicated formula, despite all the sexual harrassment standards in place. Which means that it forces you to seek out more like minded coworkers, both male and female. Hence, you have the same ideas, limits, and boundaries.

 

You see that this woman is very dedicted to her husband, has a cute baby, and is a smart worker, all of which is supposedly hands off for you.

 

Of course you are attracted to her.

 

Now take that and realize that someone else can see your wife in the very same light.

 

But you already have your wife, the chase is gone. That is where the hard part of marriage comes in. Keeping it interesting when it isn't.

 

Acknowledge your biology, and tell it to shut up.

 

This is critical to understand. We all crave external validation. It's especially validating when the external person is attractive, smart, out of our league. Unfortunately, a spouse is not a great source of external validation. They are by virtual definition, stuck with you. Boy, that's not too convincing of an ego stroke. She's barely even interested in those stories about your glory days; she's heard them all and she's worried about who is picking up the kids from soccer. But that new girl at work...easy to impress when she only sees your good side.

[KathyM]

There is a world reknowned marriage counselor by the name of Mort Fertel that has a good book entitled Marriage Fitness. It's actually a course you can order online, complete with work sheets, several audio tapes, and you have the opportunity to receive over-the-phone counseling also. In his book, he stresses the importance of setting boundaries to protect your marriage, and not allowing other women/men to cross that boundary. Right now, this woman has crossed a boundary in your marriage and you have crossed one in hers, and you are at the beginning stages of an emotional affair because you are having romantic interest in her, and you spend a lot of your time either talking, messaging, meeting her or thinking about her in a personal way, rather than just as a business co-worker. You need to cut that out of your relationship with her, and the relationship should only be a business one. Therefore, you need to make the effort to set different boundaries. Invite someone else out to lunch (another male co-worker), or invite a group of co-workers out to lunch, or go to lunch on your own instead of going to lunch with only her. If she invites you to lunch, invite someone else to go along with you, or make an excuse to needing to run errands on your lunch hour. Cut back significantly on the friendly non-work conversations, and avoid the text messages, IMs, Emails that are not work related. Keep conversations related to business. If she leads those conversations into personal topics, then shift them back to business, or cut it short. Mort Fertel talks about "Saving yourself for your marriage", meaning not investing your emotions and in depth personal conversations into anyone other than your spouse. You need to take steps now to protect your marriage and not be crossing the line into a personal relationship with this co-worker. Keep it professional. Cut down significantly on the personal conversations. I'm glad you realize that this has become a problem for you and that you have such a strong desire to be faithful to your family. Now you need to take the steps/make the adjustments to protect it.