The Down-side to having a work wife?

[ledfeet]

I’ve been married for several years and have two beautiful children. My wife and I are mostly happy together still, although things of course aren’t as romantic and exciting as they were before the kids. But all in all, I’m a pretty happy married guy

I work in an office setting at one of the largest companies in the world, and have been here for several years. Two years ago I met a lovely young lady who would be my new co-worker, and sits right next me. We get along very well, and over the last two years our relationship has grown pretty tight. She’s 9 years younger than me, and has been married for 2 years, and has a 1 year old daughter. She seems to be very much in love with her husband and daughter.

We do go to lunch together a lot, and spend time daily chatting face to face or on instant message. We talk about work a lot, but also personal things, etc. We know each others’ habits, our likes, and dis-likes, etc. Others in the office could think we have something going on since we’re together a lot, but its hard to say. We have joked, and had others joke, about us being “Work-spouses”. Sometimes our conversations seem a slight bit flirty, but for the most part we both keep things within proper boundaries.

What she doesn’t know, is that over the last half a year or so, I have developed a huge crush on her. I think about her when we’re not together…. I get jealous sometimes when I see her talking to another guy… etc., etc. I’ve never let her know about this… and I have no reason to believe she has a crush on me. Sometimes I feel like if we weren’t both married, we would be an item…. and that maybe she feels that way too... But I don’t know.

The bottom line is, I respect her and her marriage, and I have no intention of ruining that for her, or ruining my own marriage. I’m really not that kind of guy. And since it may just be me going through this secret crush, it can be painful at times to not be able to do anything about it or even talk about it to anyone.

I don’t plan to change jobs, nor would I want her to. (We make a very good team, professionally speaking) So I’m just wondering how in the heck do I get over these feelings? At times I think I’m getting over it, but then it comes back. We seem to be able to talk about anything, so sometimes I think I should just tell her… Let her know I just needed to get it off of my chest, so let’s talk about it, and get it behind us. But obviously this could backfire… Being awkward to work together, or something like that. I really don’t think she has the same feelings for me, so the relationship growing isn’t really a consequence I’m worried about.

So keeping in my mind I have no plan of cheating on my wife, or being a part of her cheating on her husband… how do I handle this? Any experience out there? Should I just come clean, or keep it to myself and deal with it? I’ve read a lot of posts similar to this and most say to just deal with it. But does it make it any difference if I don’t really have any intentions of “crossing the line” with her?

By the way, I’ve never had to deal with this before… in my entire marriage, I’ve never had a crush on anyone else. I want to do the right thing, but also not go through this internal pain...

[veryhappy]

Tell your wife. It will take its magic away sooner.

 

Move if you can to a spot that is not right next to her.

 

If you keep persevering to get over your crush and tell your wife, you will eventually realize it is almost gone.

 

Do not tell your coworker. If it's mutual, you'll end up having an A.

[woinlove]

My H and I discuss our attractions to others with each other. This way there are no secret romantic attachments, even in our heads, and we can also ask each other for advice if we think we are getting distracted or the other (in this case, work) relationship is awkward in any way.

 

I would not tell the woman at work about your feelings, because it isn't really appropriate if both you and her value your marriages. Or at least discuss it all with your wife first, and only talk to the other woman about it if both you and your wife agree that this is a good idea. But, I don't see why you would. If you are not planning to have an affair, what is the point of telling her about your attraction to her?

 

Talking to your wife will create more intimacy in your M, which is important if you plan to stay married for a long time. By contrast, talking to your work colleague about your attraction and not talking to your wife about it, will have the opposite effect and kill intimacy in your M, which may lead to you both being unhappy in your M at some point.

[ThatJustHappened]

I’ve been married for several years and have two beautiful children. My wife and I are mostly happy together still, although things of course aren’t as romantic and exciting as they were before the kids. But all in all, I’m a pretty happy married guy

I work in an office setting at one of the largest companies in the world, and have been here for several years. Two years ago I met a lovely young lady who would be my new co-worker, and sits right next me. We get along very well, and over the last two years our relationship has grown pretty tight. She’s 9 years younger than me, and has been married for 2 years, and has a 1 year old daughter. She seems to be very much in love with her husband and daughter.

We do go to lunch together a lot, and spend time daily chatting face to face or on instant message. We talk about work a lot, but also personal things, etc. We know each others’ habits, our likes, and dis-likes, etc. Others in the office could think we have something going on since we’re together a lot, but its hard to say. We have joked, and had others joke, about us being “Work-spouses”. Sometimes our conversations seem a slight bit flirty, but for the most part we both keep things within proper boundaries.

What she doesn’t know, is that over the last half a year or so, I have developed a huge crush on her. I think about her when we’re not together…. I get jealous sometimes when I see her talking to another guy… etc., etc. I’ve never let her know about this… and I have no reason to believe she has a crush on me. Sometimes I feel like if we weren’t both married, we would be an item…. and that maybe she feels that way too... But I don’t know.

The bottom line is, I respect her and her marriage, and I have no intention of ruining that for her, or ruining my own marriage. I’m really not that kind of guy. And since it may just be me going through this secret crush, it can be painful at times to not be able to do anything about it or even talk about it to anyone.

I don’t plan to change jobs, nor would I want her to. (We make a very good team, professionally speaking) So I’m just wondering how in the heck do I get over these feelings? At times I think I’m getting over it, but then it comes back. We seem to be able to talk about anything, so sometimes I think I should just tell her… Let her know I just needed to get it off of my chest, so let’s talk about it, and get it behind us. But obviously this could backfire… Being awkward to work together, or something like that. I really don’t think she has the same feelings for me, so the relationship growing isn’t really a consequence I’m worried about.

So keeping in my mind I have no plan of cheating on my wife, or being a part of her cheating on her husband… how do I handle this? Any experience out there? Should I just come clean, or keep it to myself and deal with it? I’ve read a lot of posts similar to this and most say to just deal with it. But does it make it any difference if I don’t really have any intentions of “crossing the line” with her?

By the way, I’ve never had to deal with this before… in my entire marriage, I’ve never had a crush on anyone else. I want to do the right thing, but also not go through this internal pain...

 

If you feel the need to keep it a secret from your wife and you're getting jealous that she talks to other men then you're already cheating on your wife emotionally.

[whichwayisup]

DO NOT tell her how you feel. That's asking for trouble.

 

And, note - The more time you spend with her, talking to her, joking with her, you're feeding your own feelings. You're bonding with her and even as a joke calling her your 'work wife' is not cool. You need to back off and set some boundries, stop spending so much time with her.

 

Imagine YOUR wife spending time, laughing, flirting, talking personal stuff all day, going out to lunch with her one her (male) co workers and calling him her "work husband", and with that said, SHE has a crush on him and isn't sure what to do..tell him or keep it to herself.

 

How would YOU feel if you found that out about your wife? Apply that to your own situation! I'm sure you wouldn't like to know that she is 'getting to know another man' constantly.

 

You need to spend less time hanging out with your female collegue and spend more time working and doing coffee/lunch with others - Maybe males?

 

People at work probably DO think you two have something going on. Doesn't take much for them to gossip..Plus, if you are crushing on her, sexually attracted to her, don't fool yourself into thinking nobody has noticed that energy about you two. STOP now before you DO cheat on your wife. IT happens all the time, even if you say you won't ever cheat on your wife, all it takes is one conversation, one hug, one kiss... Already you know something is off otherwise you wouldn't be posting here.

[Snowflower]

DO NOT tell her how you feel. That's asking for trouble.

 

And, note - The more time you spend with her, talking to her, joking with her, you're feeding your own feelings. You're bonding with her and even as a joke calling her your 'work wife' is not cool. You need to back off and set some boundries, stop spending so much time with her.

 

Imagine YOUR wife spending time, laughing, flirting, talking personal stuff all day, going out to lunch with her one her (male) co workers and calling him her "work husband", and with that said, SHE has a crush on him and isn't sure what to do..tell him or keep it to herself.

 

How would YOU feel if you found that out about your wife? Apply that to your own situation! I'm sure you wouldn't like to know that she is 'getting to know another man' constantly.

 

You need to spend less time hanging out with your female collegue and spend more time working and doing coffee/lunch with others - Maybe males?

 

People at work probably DO think you two have something going on. Doesn't take much for them to gossip..Plus, if you are crushing on her, sexually attracted to her, don't fool yourself into thinking nobody has noticed that energy about you two. STOP now before you DO cheat on your wife. IT happens all the time, even if you say you won't ever cheat on your wife, all it takes is one conversation, one hug, one kiss... Already you know something is off otherwise you wouldn't be posting here.

 

Good post.

 

Hey ledfeet, welcome to LS. Thank you for sharing your predicament and I hope you find some helpful advice here.

 

My advice...go pick up the book, Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. It is a quick, insightful read on the differences between platonic friends and the start of an affair.

 

You will likely find yourself and your very situation in the pages of that book along with some helpful advice.

 

Please. Go buy that book today. Stop on your way home from work or whatever. Or, get the e-version on Amazon and download to your computer or smart phone.

 

Please, please do this. Then, talk to your wife asap. P--l--e--a--s--e! (did I beg enough? )

Edited January 16, 2013 by Snowflower

[jwi71]

The downsides of having a work wife?

 

Many.

 

1) people will assume its an A because people are gossip-y little bitches.

2) it can lead to office problems and jeopardize your career - innocent or not (see 1 above)

3) can actually become a full blown EA especially if the spouses are "in the dark"

4) you find yourself posting on Internet affair forums - because it's harmless right?

5) it takes away from your M, see 4 above

6) you already KNOW you've crossed the line (again 4 above)

And others I'm sure.

 

Let's face it, it looks more like EA than "just friends". And it's a detriment to all facets of you're life. That's why it's "work-wife" and not female coworker friend - who meets up with you and W and all is on the up and up.

 

So....do you wish to carry on with your EA, escalate to meeting at the nearby hourly rate hotel, or back off and refocus on your W and M?

[ComingInHot]

ledfeet;

So, you have these "feelings". Let's "talk" about that for a moment. *

 

Seriously though. I believe it is normal to have any and all feelings. What separates us from other animals is having what's called Self Control. You may not be able to control how you feel but you most certainly Can control your actions.

 

Take a look at your Actions thus far (both impressive and... not so much*).

 

-You are developing an EA, if not already in one

-You are hiding feelings and thoughts from your Wife. The one person you shouldn't have to hide anything from

-You are acknowledging your feelings

-You are not "wanting" things to get "messy"

-You Want to communicate as you are here on LS

-You are looking for solutions

 

Asking the right questions is the best way to get the right answers so I am glad you are here. You (hopefully) will get responses from all sides that will both inform and steer you in the direction you want.

 

As for me, my basis for making sure I am on the right road is to acknowledge my feelings Then question my actions. In your situation, Ask Yourself if the way you would act/behave with your "work-wife" would stay consistent with you Real Wife Present.

Would your body language "change"?

Would your expressiveness "change"?

Would your closeness "change"?

Would what you talk about "change"?

Would your overall attitude toward your "work-wife" and/or Real Wife "change"?

Would you be Uncomfortable with having both women in the same room together with or with out you?

 

I don't mean to "hammer" you with all these questions but I think they are important for you to ponder as you are dealing with your feelings for this "work-wife".

 

I also have to agree with many of the other posters in that your relationship with this "work-wife" IS being noticed by co-workers whether you acknowledge it or not. It is not a happy ending for one or both of you should the water cooler gossip get out of hand...

 

Mister, just be honest with the one person you should be honest with, Your Wife. (not your "work-wife" if that needed clarification)

[2sure]

I'm going to take you at your when you say cheating is the last thing you want and that the line won't be crossed.

 

Because you are becoming uncomfortable with your affection with this co-worker, and because you do not want anything about your professional dynamics to change...something else has to change.

 

Telling your wife just isn't something you're probably going to do , although really and truly you should. It will bring some realistic clarity into your feelings for this coworker when you hear yourself and what you are risking losing...already you are undermining your friendship with your wife. You are confiding in someone you have affection for.

 

Telling your coworker could, like you want, prompt her to reveal that she feels the same. Then you get to cheat. And lose your professional respect . And your family. Or...she could be prompted to tell you that you have made her feel awkward . And that will change your professional dynamics long term.

 

You could do what many ambitious professionals do when faced with this not ncommn work place dilemma. They create sme distance and boundaries to keep the relationship professional to themselves, the staff, and their families.

[whichwayisup]

Do you spend that same time talking, laughing, teasing, flirting with your wife at home? See if you focused on your work AT work and saved that lovely sexy energy and fun for your wife, then your wife would respond in a great way!

 

Rule of thumb, don't spend tons of energy (emotional or sexual lust) on a woman who isn't your wife!

[Spark1111]

In the very best marriages, spouse talk of attractions to other and take steps to enforce boundaries to keep the marriage intact.

 

Imagine that?

 

And, you should not have a friend who is not a friend of the marriage or relationship.

 

I would invite your wife to meet you at work for lunch....often. introduce them.

 

I would invite your co-worker and her spouse to join you and your wife for dinner or drinks.

 

I would inform your wife of funny jokes, etc. that you two share. I would make an effort to know and like her H.

 

it is much much harder to betray a couple you like, or her H and your W, respectively, if known to each other.

 

Enlist your wife and start to create boundaries o protect your marriage.

[2sunny]

You say you know your boundary - but you've already crossed the line of a healthy boundary by considering telling another gal besides your wife you have feelings for her.

 

Something about your marriage needs work/ a tune up.

 

And something inside you is very broken that you would even consider this kind of intimacy outside your M.

 

If your wife were spending this kind of time and energy connecting with a hot younger guy - and keeping it from you while fantasizing about him - how would you feel?

 

Look deep inside you - it needs work.

[BetrayedH]

Good post.

 

Hey ledfeet, welcome to LS. Thank you for sharing your predicament and I hope you find some helpful advice here.

 

My advice...go pick up the book, Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. It is a quick, insightful read on the differences between platonic friends and the start of an affair.

 

You will likely find yourself and your very situation in the pages of that book along with some helpful advice.

 

Please. Go buy that book today. Stop on your way home from work or whatever. Or, get the e-version on Amazon and download to your computer or smart phone.

 

Please, please do this. Then, talk to your wife asap. P--l--e--a--s--e! (did I beg enough? )

 

Snow is spot on with her recommendation of this book. I was going to say the exact same thing. Seriously, buy it. I haven't read any posts beyond hers just yet but I can tell you that you can't pay for the kind of advice you're getting here from some excellent posters.

[BetrayedH]

The grass is not greener on the other side; it's greener where you water it.

 

Take the time and energy you are spending on your work wife and spend it on your real wife instead. Send her flirty, sexy texts throughout the day. Spend your lunch break with your wife. If you can't, spend it texting or emailing her. Plan dates. Buy her gifts. Romance the pants off of her like you used to. So many of us take our marriages for granted. It happens. We become complacent. Marriages have to be tended or they wither. Don't fall into this trap. It's preventable.

[ledfeet]

First of all, thanks for the great advice. I’m really glad I decided to post my situation on here… It’s been really interesting to see other people commenting on my situation since I’ve never really talked to anyone about this!

If I didn’t make it clear before though, let me do it now… I did not want to feel this way about her or anyone else. I was not, and are still not looking to have an affair on my W. I felt a little vilified in a couple of the responses. I will admit that I’ve let myself get in this situation, but not on purpose. And not because I’m looking for an affair, but just because I really do like this girl as a friend and co-worker. Yes, I’ve thought about what an affair would be like, but I’ve also thought about the consequences of that.. whether I get caught or not! Neither has a good outcome in my head. I started dating my wife 15 years ago, and have never strayed since and still do not plan to. My question was about the best route forward to try and remove these feelings while hopefully maintaining a great friend and co-worker.

The fact is, I worked with this girl for well over a year and never had these feelings for her before. We work well together though, and have been through a lot together as a team. We’ve supported each other and encouraged each other and helped one another during tough times. I respect her as a colleague and a friend and I would want her on my team every time. I guess these experiences have brought us closer together and probably contributed to my falling for her.

So anyway, I will take advice about not telling her about this. Deep down I’ve always known that was the answer, otherwise I would’ve told her already… I guess I was looking for some validation and I think I have it now. As for telling my wife, that really is great advice. But I think I will need to put some more thought into that. But regardless if I do that or not, I get the message that there’s things that I need to be doing with her that I don’t do as much of today.

I hope none of my response here comes off defensive. I really do appreciate all the sincere and thoughtful advice this group of total strangers has offered me. Its helped me already understand where I am, and where I need to be in both relationships.

[ledfeet]

I'd like to post from a different perspective that has nothing to do with whether or not you are crushing on her.

 

You're hurting HER career.

"Work wife" sounds freaking demeaning and takes away from her success and achievements professionaly.

Not that there is anything wrong with being a wife, but she already is a wife, to someone else and that's her role at HOME. Her role at work is well, whatever it is that she works really hard to do, probably got an education for and tries to excel at.

Wife is an amazing role, but it's not one someones goes to work to fullfill for someone they aren't married to.

 

Someone made the comment that people are gossipy little bitches and that's so very true, even if there were NOTHING there at all, someone would imply it was and that that is the reason she got <insert some random perk that she actually earned> or that she must sleep around.

 

Not cool. It sounds like you actually LIKE her as a person, crush aside.

 

Women still have to strive to be taken seriously in the workplace. Don't do this.

 

Thank you for this feedback. The work-wife/work-husband comment has come up a couple times. Once from a 3rd party, and once in our own discussion. We both laughed in a confirming kind of way, but that was about it. Its not like I introduce her that way or anything! Anyway, I hear what you're saying though, and obvoiusly I do not want to jeopardize her career in any way...

[ledfeet]

In the very best marriages, spouse talk of attractions to other and take steps to enforce boundaries to keep the marriage intact.

 

Imagine that?

 

And, you should not have a friend who is not a friend of the marriage or relationship.

 

I would invite your wife to meet you at work for lunch....often. introduce them.

 

I would invite your co-worker and her spouse to join you and your wife for dinner or drinks.

 

I would inform your wife of funny jokes, etc. that you two share. I would make an effort to know and like her H.

 

it is much much harder to betray a couple you like, or her H and your W, respectively, if known to each other.

 

Enlist your wife and start to create boundaries o protect your marriage.

 

My response here kind of applies to the post by "ComingInHot" too. My W has met her once, but only for a couple of minutes. Also, I've met her H a couple of times, and he's a really cool guy that I'm sure I would hang out with.

Since I do work with her so much, I've mentioned her to my W before in conversations many times. In fact, I've even suggested to my W (recently) that we get together with her and her H sometime as I thought they might get along. Maybe I was trying to find a way to confirm her as just a friend and not some secret or something. And to get to know her H a little better, for the same reason. In either case, my W didn't seem interested in that, so I dropped it. Kinda why I'm also not feeling comfortable just coming out and telling my W how I really feel...

[woinlove]

My response here kind of applies to the post by "ComingInHot" too. My W has met her once, but only for a couple of minutes. Also, I've met her H a couple of times, and he's a really cool guy that I'm sure I would hang out with.

Since I do work with her so much, I've mentioned her to my W before in conversations many times. In fact, I've even suggested to my W (recently) that we get together with her and her H sometime as I thought they might get along. Maybe I was trying to find a way to confirm her as just a friend and not some secret or something. And to get to know her H a little better, for the same reason. In either case, my W didn't seem interested in that, so I dropped it. Kinda why I'm also not feeling comfortable just coming out and telling my W how I really feel...

 

Don't underestimate the weakness it creates in your M to have strong enough feelings to post on a forum about an OW and not feel comfortable discussing this with your W. I find a strong, intimate, loving M is one of life's greatest pleasures, so I think it really is worth tremendous effort to not take it for granted, to be open and honest, and to feed that intimacy. If you do, it will typically repay you with much happiness for many years.

 

I think it is good that your W did not take you up on your offer, because from the feelings you express here, your intentions toward your W and your M were not pure and were not done out of love for her. Maybe you were still in denial yourself and didn't see that you had motivations which were harmful to your M, but your W might have picked up something anyway. Don't involve your wife in your secret desires in an underhanded way. If you want to involve her, be completely open and honest.

 

Usually, I find once one has crossed over into fantasy land in your head, even thinking of the possibility of an A with this woman, trying to remain friends without coming clean to your spouse, is setting your M up for failure. If you can't or won't discuss this with your W, then probably it is best to drop the friendship and keep things strictly professional from now on. Otherwise, you are playing with fire. Okay, if you really don't value your M, although there are much better ways to end an M.

Edited January 17, 2013 by woinlove

[whichwayisup]

. Also, I've met her H a couple of times, and he's a really cool guy that I'm sure I would hang out with.

Since I do work with her so much, I've mentioned her to my W before in conversations many times. In fact, I've even suggested to my W (recently) that we get together with her and her H sometime as I thought they might get along. Maybe I was trying to find a way to confirm her as just a friend and not some secret or something. And to get to know her H a little better, for the same reason. In either case, my W didn't seem interested in that, so I dropped it. Kinda why I'm also not feeling comfortable just coming out and telling my W how I really feel...

 

And this is why your wife has no interest in pursuing a friendship with her and her husband as a couple, all of you go out to dinner.

 

Your wife knows you have a crush. she isn't reacting to it all, but in her own way she's made it perfectly clear she doesn't want to get involved in any kind of friendship with her. Rightfully so, she has that choice.

 

My suggestion, think less of your co worker while outside of the office and focus all your energy, bonding and talking with your wife.

 

Yes, you and your coworker can have a friendly banter going on at work, just don't read anything into it and maybe back off a bit more. don't spend as much time with her. Again, focus more on your relationship and bonding with your wife.

[Michael Johnson]

In the very best marriages, spouse talk of attractions to other and take steps to enforce boundaries to keep the marriage intact.

 

The statement above makes no sense at all. If the marriage is great then there wouldn't be a need to "sight-see." In the "very best" marriages, spouses do not insult each other by confessing their desire to screw another person.

 

And in this case he's already in an emotional affair, he the only reason why he wants to "confess" to his wife is because he's betting on the off chance that she replies yes or maybe and/or to get it off his chest.

 

Not because he's hurting his wife.

[Michael Johnson]

You need to get married.

 

I'm already married. Too bad I cannot say the same for you.

[CountrySlicker]

My H has a work spouse. Im certain she wanted it to progress to be an affair but he was too clueless to see it. He never gave her any encouragement and she eventually got over it. They are still good friends and she and I are also on friendly terms. But don't be fooled. Your W probably has her suspicions.

[darkmoon]

telling your wife will cause her pain, it's a minefeild

 

just stop telling yourself that this flirting at work is something you can't control, you will have to tell her too that this flirtation can go nowhere

 

until you and she agree that it is causing problems, you are indulging yourselves, you must both want it to die down, i don't think you do deep down, your problem, so tell the woman at work no more flirting

 

i'd like to screw some men but can't, life's a bitch that way

Edited January 18, 2013 by darkmoon

[Michael Johnson]

Sharing stuff keeps you close, it keeps it from ever being a problem.

 

It is already a problem.

[ledfeet]

You say you know your boundary - but you've already crossed the line of a healthy boundary by considering telling another gal besides your wife you have feelings for her.

 

Something about your marriage needs work/ a tune up.

 

And something inside you is very broken that you would even consider this kind of intimacy outside your M.

 

If your wife were spending this kind of time and energy connecting with a hot younger guy - and keeping it from you while fantasizing about him - how would you feel?

 

Look deep inside you - it needs work.

 

 

 

I know, i just don't know what to do...