irc333 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 I was wondering, is there some kind of "ethos" or ethical thinking when it comes to dating more than one person? It's really a judgement call, because there's 2 people that I think are prospects. One I met online, and had met for lunch, and the other I've become more familiar with over time, but even though she seems into me, said she isn't entirely ready for a relationship just yet...said she's been single for a few years (unattached) for reasons she didn't want to get into with me at that point....BUT would still like to continue to "hang out" with me. I'm still getting to know them both though....one woman (the one online) already has pre-ordained plans since before she met me, a lot of community, weekend long involved events, but we have been talking on the phone and email since our lunch meet. The one that's wanting to continue to "hang out" as she put it, seems kind of into me, because of her contributing me and giving signs of interest still. It may sound like a no brainer, but I notice...maybe it's the gender...that women tend to, even at the BEGINNING of a dating phase...even probably from the FIRST date, they never additional men, even though the man they are just getting to know...they want to "see how it goes first" I really don't necessarily believe in this, because....well, people tend to flake and you have to be ready to walk away from it. Apparently, with women, there's some kind of "monogamy BEFORE the monogamy", even after the first date or 2. What do you think? I mean I don't want to come off as a player, which I am not, but some people tend to judge others if they want to see more than one person at a time.....I mean eventually there WILL come a time where one of them will be singled out, then talk of exclusivity can start, right?
AMusing Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 I was very recently bitten by this "monogamy before monogamy" issue so take my opinion with a grain of salt. I think if other people start replying, you'll get almost elusively the polar opposite ends of the spectrum: some people will say you're totally within your rights to date whomever you choose until you establish exclusivity (and anyone who expects otherwise is naive), while others will label you a "multidater" and imply that you are not a good candidate for a serious relationship. To me, a date or two overlap is harmless. Longer than that, you get into a grey zone. The longer it goes, the darker the shade of grey. If you want to keep seeing both women simultaneously, the most "moral" choice would be to tell them you're seeing other people. That way they know and can decide how they feel about it. If they label you a player for your honesty, that's their right; at least they'd have to admit you're an honest "player." If they're fine with it, you won't have any feelings of guilt or secrecy. The longer you don't tell them, the greater the chance of hurt feelings. There's also a bigger chance that the "winner" of your exclusive interest will suddenly lose interest in you, once she realizes she was "competing" for you for so long. 2
Casablanca Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 To me, a date or two overlap is harmless. Longer than that, you get into a grey zone. The longer it goes, the darker the shade of grey. If you want to keep seeing both women simultaneously, the most "moral" choice would be to tell them you're seeing other people. That way they know and can decide how they feel about it. If they label you a player for your honesty, that's their right; at least they'd have to admit you're an honest "player." If they're fine with it, you won't have any feelings of guilt or secrecy. I agree with this. I've done the one or two date overlap, but thats about it. I can usually tell if I want to date someone more after a couple dates. The current girl I'm seeing asked me if I was making plans with anyone else and that it was okay if I was, but that she wasnt. And I wasnt, had she asked a week before, I would have told her I was, but after a couple dates I decided I wasnt interested in the other one anymore. For me, it is hard to date more than one person at a time as I can usually make a decision after a couple dates if I'm interested
sabre80 Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Multi dating is so prevalent it is damned if you do damned if you don't. It is so common now it is even funny how this is almost becoming another layer of relationship progression. Like a pre-exclusive talk. I am not seeing anyone else but its ok if you are. Well neither I but later still need to have the exclusive talk. Then we are exclusive but not boyfriend girlfirend. ****! I blame Japanese RPGs for this. . . and hippies. I like blaming them for everything.
jlindemann Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I think initially it's OK, as long as you haven't discussed exclusiveness with either one. After a few dates with both, it should be obvious as to which one you want to pursue a further relationship with. You also have to take the chance that at least one of them isn't going to be OK with you dating someone else, even if you haven't talked about being exclusive. So you may end up losing one by default. And out of respect for both of them...and their health...you shouldn't sleep with either one until you've decided who you want to start a relationship with. Unless you were up front about it all in the beginning.
Casablanca Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 Multi dating is so prevalent it is damned if you do damned if you don't. It is so common now it is even funny how this is almost becoming another layer of relationship progression. Like a pre-exclusive talk. I am not seeing anyone else but its ok if you are. Well neither I but later still need to have the exclusive talk. Then we are exclusive but not boyfriend girlfirend. ****! I blame Japanese RPGs for this. . . and hippies. I like blaming them for everything. Really it is a product of OLD. The only time I've ever had dates crossing schedules is because of someone I met online. Either one met online vs one off line or just met online vs online, it is so much easier and faster to meet people with online that if you send enough messages, you'll get enough interest and could quite possibly and easily be going out with a couple different people
MrCastle Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 I try to stay away from all that sort of talk. I try to make it known early and often that I don't plan to be monogamous and this is just a fling. I don't ask; but I assume most women I'm seeing are also seeing other guys as we don't have the "talk", so we are free to do what we please. Truth be told, and this is as blunt and as honest as I can make it: I don't care what else happens as long as I'm sleeping with her. She can do whatever she wants with whoever she wants as long as she makes time for us to hook up.
AMusing Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 I try to make it known early and often that I don't plan to be monogamous and this is just a fling. This (honesty) makes all the difference. If you want to see multiple people, go ahead. Just make sure everyone's on the same page-- sooner, rather than later--so they can decide if they're cool with just having a fling (or multidating before starting a relationship, or whatever your goals/plans are). In the case of OP, he hopes to eventually be monogamous with one of these women; in that case, honesty is especially important. 1
EasyHeart Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 I agree with all the other posters in this thread: A few dates overlap is no big deal, but after 3-5 dates, you usually have a pretty good idea of whether you want to date someone. Multi-dating is fine, multi-screwing is not. Communication is key. If you want to multi-date, say so. If you want to be exclusive, say so. You'd be surprised how easy dating becomes when people talk to each other honestly. And it's all the hippies' fault. Stupid hippies.
mysteryscape Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 I've read, and have confirmed by sampling profiles that answer this question -- that women by a huge margin prefer to date on person only when NOT in a serious relationship. So, what you say about pre-monogamy rings true, even in this day and age. My sense: either don't "multidate," or let them know very early on that you are, so that there is less risk of misunderstanding. Some women do prefer to "just hang out" or to use a quaint old expression, "date as friends" or "date for friendship." These are probably your best bets for multidating without eventual drama. Also, the less physicality, the less chance for trouble. The level of physicality depends entirely on the people involved.
Recommended Posts