M30USA Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 I'm assuming most of you divorced dads do not have primary custody but have something like the "weekend" routine. This means you see your kids less than half the time, don't make the major decisions such as where they go to school, and you are viewed by the primary parent's family as the "outsider". In addition to this, I live over 2 hours from my children's primary residence. It's easy to say that I should move there, but it's more complicated than what it seems. My question to all you divorced dads in a similar situation is... What tips or mindset strategies do you use to avoid feeling like the outsider? I am going to have to start dealing with things like attending school open houses, etc, and I am unsure about how to handle these situations. Thanks!
Mr. Lucky Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 In addition to this, I live over 2 hours from my children's primary residence. It's easy to say that I should move there, but it's more complicated than what it seems. My situation was similar (my son is grown now) - get ready to buy a new car every 2-3 years! The miles add add up... You just have to accept that there's going to be a transition that occurs in steps - new place to live, new routine, new challenges but also new opportunities. I eventually found that, in being solely responsible for my son on the 3 days a week that I had him, we had more quality time together than when I was married. I also nixed all social and/or dating activities on my custody days. There are also some tools available today - Skype, text, Facebook - that I didn't have that might be helpful. Hopefully, you'll be surprised at how quickly a "new normal" can be established... Mr. Lucky
Author M30USA Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 My situation was similar (my son is grown now) - get ready to buy a new car every 2-3 years! The miles add add up... You just have to accept that there's going to be a transition that occurs in steps - new place to live, new routine, new challenges but also new opportunities. I eventually found that, in being solely responsible for my son on the 3 days a week that I had him, we had more quality time together than when I was married. I also nixed all social and/or dating activities on my custody days. There are also some tools available today - Skype, text, Facebook - that I didn't have that might be helpful. Hopefully, you'll be surprised at how quickly a "new normal" can be established... Mr. Lucky What was the driving situation? Did you have to pick up kids at her place or did you meet halfway?
GuyInLimbo Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 I understand people's circumstances are different, but I could NOT fathom being anywhere but the same town as my kids when I get divorced. No way. 'd flip burgers if I had to.
Author M30USA Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 I understand people's circumstances are different, but I could NOT fathom being anywhere but the same town as my kids when I get divorced. No way. 'd flip burgers if I had to. How about if you'd have to move from a major city with massive job opportunities (esp in your field) to a little podunk town? Plus my ex's family practically have a dominating social web there which would stifle the hell out of my privacy with my children. Plus if my ex moves AGAIN, I will have given up my life here. She is highly capricious and nobody knows what she will do at any moment. As much as I want to be near my kids, I will not follow her whims. Plus I actually believe it's for my kids benefit since they need to see a world outside of the little bubble click they have in that podunk town. Plus if I give this house up (which they viewed as "home"), I wouldn't be able to get another one. Plus...my ex is the one who moved, not me. She moved back with "mommy and daddy". I can't go back there. Sorry.
xxoo Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 How about if you'd have to move from a major city with massive job opportunities (esp in your field) to a little podunk town? Plus my ex's family practically have a dominating social web there which would stifle the hell out of my privacy with my children. Plus if my ex moves AGAIN, I will have given up my life here. She is highly capricious and nobody knows what she will do at any moment. As much as I want to be near my kids, I will not follow her whims. Plus I actually believe it's for my kids benefit since they need to see a world outside of the little bubble click they have in that podunk town. Plus if I give this house up (which they viewed as "home"), I wouldn't be able to get another one. Plus...my ex is the one who moved, not me. She moved back with "mommy and daddy". I can't go back there. Sorry. How did she get permission to take the kids with her? I've known women (mothers) who were denied primary custody because they chose to move away from their children. Meaning, the parents had 50/50, and the mom chose to move, and the courts basically said, "You can move, but the kids stay here." I've seen this happen 4 times, with 4 different women.
Author M30USA Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 (edited) How did she get permission to take the kids with her? I've known women (mothers) who were denied primary custody because they chose to move away from their children. Meaning, the parents had 50/50, and the mom chose to move, and the courts basically said, "You can move, but the kids stay here." I've seen this happen 4 times, with 4 different women. Read my post history and you'll see. She was arrested for assault against me. The judge gave us exactly 50-50 week on week off custody during temporary order. (She was a stay at home mom 3 years so judge obviously didnt want to give me primary.) During this time she left to live with her parents back in her hometown while I lived in the marriage home. I was willing to give her the damn house if she just stayed in our city area. I guess she couldn't handle being away from her mom and dad. So after 6 months of this she filed for divorce and judge actually granted her the primary custody AND allowed her to move away. What a joke. Some people have told me I'm actually lucky in the respect that her false accusations of child abuse against me didn't get believed. But is that my only "win"? I guess. Basically she has a LOT of family in her hometown while I have zero family here. That is what won it for her and allowed her to move back. It was a pretty bizarre, atypical divorce. Edited January 16, 2013 by M30USA
Mr. Lucky Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 What was the driving situation? Did you have to pick up kids at her place or did you meet halfway? Halfway? I wish!!!! Actual distance was 75 - 90 minutes based on traffic, I just bit the bullet and made the drive. I'd drive 90 minutes to watch my son play a 60-min little league game on a day that wasn't mine, turn around and drive home. Just part of the package... Mr. Lucky
GuyInLimbo Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 How about if you'd have to move from a major city with massive job opportunities (esp in your field) to a little podunk town? Plus my ex's family practically have a dominating social web there which would stifle the hell out of my privacy with my children. Plus if my ex moves AGAIN, I will have given up my life here. She is highly capricious and nobody knows what she will do at any moment. As much as I want to be near my kids, I will not follow her whims. Plus I actually believe it's for my kids benefit since they need to see a world outside of the little bubble click they have in that podunk town. Plus if I give this house up (which they viewed as "home"), I wouldn't be able to get another one. Plus...my ex is the one who moved, not me. She moved back with "mommy and daddy". I can't go back there. Sorry. M30, I didn't mean to sound judgmental. I really wasn't doing that. My apologies if you felt I was. I'm sorry that you got reamed by the court. Unless there is abuse, I don't understand how courts can award primary custody AND let the mother move wherever she wants. That's despicable. I will fight to the death to make damn sure I get shared physical and legal custody of my kids.
Author M30USA Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 (edited) M30, I didn't mean to sound judgmental. I really wasn't doing that. My apologies if you felt I was. I'm sorry that you got reamed by the court. Unless there is abuse, I don't understand how courts can award primary custody AND let the mother move wherever she wants. That's despicable. I will fight to the death to make damn sure I get shared physical and legal custody of my kids. I still have "joint custody". But she has the majority of the time and can determine where their prime residence is. Don't get the wrong impression. I still have them every other weekend, the greater share of vacation time, and mostvof summer vacation. And I CAN do what I want with them. Edited January 16, 2013 by M30USA
Author M30USA Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 Halfway? I wish!!!! Actual distance was 75 - 90 minutes based on traffic, I just bit the bullet and made the drive. I'd drive 90 minutes to watch my son play a 60-min little league game on a day that wasn't mine, turn around and drive home. Just part of the package... Mr. Lucky I have 120-150 minute drive (one way).
ataloss8270 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Personally if my STBXW moved I would follower her to the gates of hell to be close to my kids. I would scrub toilets just so I could be within a 10 minute drive of them. I wouldn't care about what people in their town thought about me, because the fact I would be willing to deal with all the animosity and scrutiny from them just to be close to them would speak volumes about me and people would start to see threw her families BS. You can't judge someone from one side of a story. 2
Ninja'sHusband Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 This isn't for everyone, but my mother retired and moved across the country to live with me. We kept the house (which is a rental) after my ex made the move to go to some nearby apartments. I needed my mom's support because paying crazy alimony on top of the same rent I had been paying before is simply impossible. Basically I brought my side of the family closer. I think my ex is more the outsider than me right now.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 I have 120-150 minute drive (one way). Then you have the same problem, just more so ... This probably won't end up being any more complicated than the following: Live where you want OR be part of your kid's every day lives - pick one. Mr. Lucky 1
CityMouseCountryMous Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 I left the career opportunity of a lifetime 11 months ago. I moved from LA to the smallest town possible. I have no family here depart from my two boys. It's worth it. I've been working restaurant jobs making pennies but went back to school to get certified in a field that will employ me in this town. Now I'm 5 months from a steady career here, I've met a lot of people and have a core of good friends and support. It's tough but ibwould do it again.
Author M30USA Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 I left the career opportunity of a lifetime 11 months ago. I moved from LA to the smallest town possible. I have no family here depart from my two boys. It's worth it. I've been working restaurant jobs making pennies but went back to school to get certified in a field that will employ me in this town. Now I'm 5 months from a steady career here, I've met a lot of people and have a core of good friends and support. It's tough but ibwould do it again. I want my children to feel like they can get away from the smothering exs family. I want them to see another world. I want them to have the same home they had before the split. I want to be stable here and not follow my ex around wherever she might move next. (I already moved 2000 miles for her years ago.) I want to live in a REAL town, not a podunk place where even my ex formerly admitted that SHE HATES. She only moved there because she needed her parents. Sorry, considering I wouldn't really even get much more custody if I moved, I'm not doing it. Maybe if judge gave me exactly 50-50, but I got standard possession. Why move closer for just an extra day or two per month? In my case, I have weighed it carefully. I've spoken with professional counselor, spoken with fam, and they believe its reasonable.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 I've spoken with professional counselor, spoken with fam, and they believe its reasonable. It's entirely reasonable - for you. But here's what you asked initially - "What tips or mindset strategies do you use to avoid feeling like the outsider?" And the answer that you've been given by those of us that have walked the walk has been simple - do what's necessary so you don't become a weekend dad. You children's life will happen 7 days a week, 24 hours a day. Be involved on that same basis. It doesn't have to be one of your custody days for you to attend a school play, parent/teacher conference or sporting event. Not going to happen from 150 miles and 2 hours away... Mr. Lucky
Recommended Posts