dreamingoftigers Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 That you WW. You wrote my letter for me. I am proud that my husband left a lot of his "bad behavior" behind but it's taken extra months for him to even get to the "why do we have to talk about it/all of these feelings still/it's unhealthy to need that much validation." Are you kidding me!? Some days are really great, other days (like the last three where he is completely checked out of everything with the home/school/me/his daughter) I feel kind of like I am emotionally starving. It's like we are co-parents with otherwise separate lives. I'm sick of it. And I hate to say it but our financial position is such the ****s there's NO WAY I could move until this part of school is done (same month my lease is up). All he had to do last month is make ONE PHONE CALL to book an appointment for something really important to our marriage. It would have taken not even five minutes. He got the number and still hasn't called. I went away for three weeks in December and still hasn't called. Like he must be learning challenged on top of ADD. he doesn't seem to get that leaving your supposedly best friend and intimate partner innthis kind of emotional turmoil for years is toxic to not just the relationship, but it impacts him as well. Plus: his funding is $837.00 per month. Like you think even the basic want to stay living with us and finish his study portion would light a fire under his ass? He doesn't even have a car to live out of the back of, my name is the only one on the lease and our prolonged separation has been very well documented. Honestly, I COULD give him the toss if I was even 10% more agitated with him. I wouldn't just up and throw him out because "it's Wednesday and I'm mad" but he knows how frustrating it is to drop the ball for such a prolonged length of time.
dreamingoftigers Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Oh great! H texted back. He's been told he might be losing his job Major stress. Affair and reconciliation in the back seat again. Still booking MC. School seems to backseat our reconciliation currently. He's always behind in school. And I am sick to death of booking MC and being the one to do so. Or suggesting we read stuff together. I am sorry to rant on your thread WW. I'm glad you are still being proactive. It's like these idiots don't get that of you don't do the work for the marriage FIRST, the rest isn't going to matter as much. I see our kind of WS to be in a special kind of denial. Almost like when my husband was in active addiction. "oh well this guy did that that and that, and he's way worse than me. I don't need treatment." "honey you did worse than that last week and blamed me for it. You also KNOW you have an addiction that you can't stop yet somehow you're TOO GOOD for the tools including $10000 in treatment that other addicts would kill to have to get better? Like what are you, The Special Addict?" Like honey, what are you, The Special Wayward? The only thing my husband has been proactive with in our marriage is excuses. WW doesn't it piss you off so much to want to/have to throw in the towel after SURVIVING the affair and DEALING with the aftermath because WS just doesn't seem to get that they can't just pretend everything "should be fine" now?
Snowflower Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Oh great! H texted back. He's been told he might be losing his job Major stress. Affair and reconciliation in the back seat again. Still booking MC. Maybe it is just my own bad mood today but after you send that letter, your H conveniently texts you to say his job is in jeopardy? What convenient timing. IMO, your needs should not have to take a backseat to anything. If worse comes to worst and he is out of a job, he can still try his best to attend to your emotional needs as well as figuring out his career. 4
BetrayedH Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 I wasn't exactly perfect at the reconciliation thing but I see no reason to backburner your M at all. Hell, that's the problem with half the marriages out there already; it always takes a backseat to careers, kids, etc.. Your H can learn to multitask. I wouldn't move your boundary. Assuming you ever get to have that conversation, I would also share that list with him, verbatim, no sugar coating. He needs to be reading, booking IC and MC, doing the heavy lifting. And that means proactively fixing the marriage. Shutting down when the affair is brought up is focusing on his own guilt and shame; it's a continuation of the selfish behavior that got him here in the first place. PS I didn't see a list of what he HAS done. If he's done anything, give him props for it so he continues. In my workplace, we learned to give feedback using the "stop, start, continue" method. Tell him specifically what to stop doing, what to start doing, and what to continue doing. 3
Spark1111 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 I agree! when we started R, finally, my H got a major promotion and began to complain of all the additional stress in his life(me!) And I did not back down one bit. I told him, welllll! I can't help that. I had NO CONTROL over your affair, our DDay, our decision to reconcile and the hard work it takes to do so. We DID do a lot of letter writing via email, but the onus was on him. Ball BACK in his court.
Spark1111 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 PS: You cannot control the job, the sun, moon or stars, or the proper alignment of the planets. You can only control you, your emotions, and how you react to others. commiserate about the work anxiety, but forge ahead on your reconciliation needs at the same time. Time an circumstances does not stop needs. The goal is to discuss all and yes, multitask. 4
dreamingoftigers Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Yes, my youngest has mild aspergers. And yes, I have often looked at H and thought how similar they are. Thankyou. Sometimes it feels like the best therapy for H would be a blunt object to the head! But I feel much the same about son #2 as well...... I have to start a "Blunt Object Storage, Training and Rental Service for BSs" It would be a hit! PS: this is a JOKE! DV is not a good thing. If you suspect yourself or someone you love is being abused, please google domestic violence hotline [insert your country name] 2
BetrayedH Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 I have to start a "Blunt Object Storage, Training and Rental Service for BSs" It would be a hit! PS: this is a JOKE! DV is not a good thing. If you suspect yourself or someone you love is being abused, please google domestic violence hotline [insert your country name] Good PS. Repeat after me, "Do not burn furniture. Do not throw spouse out on sidewalk." 5
CantgetoveritNY Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 Question is, should I actually send it? OMG yes send it. Unless you tell me not to I'm about to change little things like male to female references and copy and past it to my WW. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 OMG yes send it. Unless you tell me not to I'm about to change little things like male to female references and copy and past it to my WW. I took the basic outline of this and added "being proactive/taking the initiative" to the top if the list, including the specific things in list form and gave it to my husband. Shortly before I burned the furniture and threw him out on the sidewalk. Oops. Kidding. He's fine. Said he'll work on it. We'll see. I'm hoarding minor amounts of cash for exit just in case. I put it in my chess box. He'll never look in there! 1
dreamingoftigers Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 Good PS. Repeat after me, "Do not burn furniture. Do not throw spouse out on sidewalk." Actually, you guys may not believe this! Legally I can go both in my area! Insanity! Last year when my husband got loaded and trashed our place last year including my personal items and broke our stove: I called the police. They A) couldn't order to him to leave because he wasn't being "violent" with me B) his name was on the lease too C) we were not legally divorcing D) since we are legally married he is technically trashing his own stuff. BUT since I wasn't willing to give him the end of the grocery money to go to a hotel room, they were more than willing to record it as me being "unwilling to end the situation." are you kidding me? Well it ended about 10-15 minutes later when he went out to the front lawn and started screaming and fighting with the neighbors and five young men jumped out if the party house next door. So then my husband called the police and went and sat in the car. I tried to go out to stop him from calling them because they said if they had to return to the address that night they would charge us both with disturbing the peace. But he was adamant and ge was "going to call them on me too because he wasn't wrong." then he told the neighbors the fight was because "I cheated on HIM!" (COMPLETELY UNTRUE) I was so pissed I said "you made your bed ass*ole." I walked back in the house, he called the police and I locked the door. So when the police got there, they found him in our car, sock feet, yelling names at me and the neighbors. Drunk tank. One of the neighbors, a KISA wanna-be made it sound like my H was beating on me and threatening to kill me. Untrue. But I think the police thought I was covering for him. What pissed me off so much is that I actually did NOTHING to set him off. And I wasn't rude to him the whole time. I had gotten so dulled to his ridiculous outbursts, I just wanted him gone at the time. I even convinced the officers to give him his shoes. But now my lease is solely in my name. Our separation is VERY well documented in multiple sources including his very short history of domestic violence. So now, technically I can throw him out anytime I so please and since the couch is mine and fire regulations are lax I could chop it up and burn it outside in my fire pit. I however, strongly recommend the letter in the OP as a much better option. Or the hotline. Or just keep the couch. 1
Author waterwoman Posted January 17, 2013 Author Posted January 17, 2013 Thanks for making me laugh THe timing might sound convenient for H but I know he wasn't manipulating me. I knew things were looking bad but yesterday it got clarified a bit more. And sadly it isn't just a problem for him - financially we can't manage that well without his income - and if he had to get another job life will get harder in terms of school runs and childcare etc. And will almost certainly need to get another car. We bought out current house on the back of having 2 similar incomes. Bit scary.... however not the most important thing right now He hadn't told me just how worried I was. He has experienced me when I have been suffering panic attacks due to extreme anxiety, and he has witnessed my ongoing depression. He is wary of telling me things that will worry me. I told him that NOTHING would ever be as painful for me as what we have been through in the last year - NOTHING! Even a terminal illess would be better for me to cope with as long as we SHARE everything and handle it together. I also told him that when he was distant and distracted recently I thought he has hooked up with her again. And he was shocked and upset that I thought that. I am waiting for a call back from a MC to make an appointment. H doesn't see the need but he's accepted it has to happen. It's all about communication. That has to change. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 Yeah it's still a problem because he isn't A) really addressing your depression/anxiety with you B) discussing his job/income with you and the issues surrounding that C) doing his reconciliation work So really the job thing shows that whereas it IS a concern, he is doing a pattern I notice with my husband that is inappropriate and wholly damaging to a marriage: HE is making unilateral decisions and filtering the information you receive. I will also bet, like most Waywards, he RESENTS the Sh*t out of feeling he has to as well. This, to me, doesn't say "here's why this is a positive isn't of a glaring negative." It says a lot of different unhealthy things about the dynamic. In a sense this is treating you like a child by "protecting" you instead of partnering with you. (I think you get that) Plus since he still isn't doing his recon work, he is watching you suffer and doing nothing to change the circumstance he has created and is placing that blame on you. As well as abandoning the responsibility he should have. I am not saying that we shouldn't watch our information DELIVERY to our spouses. The WAY that we deliver info should be filtered to male it respectful, sensitive etc. Thanks for making me laugh THe timing might sound convenient for H but I know he wasn't manipulating me. I knew things were looking bad but yesterday it got clarified a bit more. And sadly it isn't just a problem for him - financially we can't manage that well without his income - and if he had to get another job life will get harder in terms of school runs and childcare etc. And will almost certainly need to get another car. We bought out current house on the back of having 2 similar incomes. Bit scary.... however not the most important thing right now He hadn't told me just how worried I was. He has experienced me when I have been suffering panic attacks due to extreme anxiety, and he has witnessed my ongoing depression. He is wary of telling me things that will worry me. I told him that NOTHING would ever be as painful for me as what we have been through in the last year - NOTHING! Even a terminal illess would be better for me to cope with as long as we SHARE everything and handle it together. I also told him that when he was distant and distracted recently I thought he has hooked up with her again. And he was shocked and upset that I thought that. I am waiting for a call back from a MC to make an appointment. H doesn't see the need but he's accepted it has to happen. It's all about communication. That has to change.
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