waterwoman Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Do you still want to be married to me? I don’t mean simply having me as a spouse and a partner, I mean as a lover and a friend? It might seem a stupid question considering what we have both been through since your affair, but it needs asking. I don’t feel there is anything much left right now. You have said the right things (when pressed) and done the right things (when directed to), but I don’t get any feeling that you are glad I didn’t kick you out or glad that you made the choice you did. The relationship forums I visit are riddled with unfaithful spouses that have ‘done the right thing’ by giving up their affairs but still miss the relationship and the affair partner and live in a state of regret. I don’t want to be married to a person who is half-hearted. The main reason for all my recent outbursts and tears has been this – who wants to be married to an unwilling and uninterested spouse When I first found out about the affair you were so gentle and loving – I felt precious to you for the first time in years - ironic eh? You were really trying to help me, being honest and communicative. You told me I was being so mature and ‘good’ about the affair – well in some ways, in spite of the pain, it was easy because I felt loved. Perhaps we were both in damage limitation mode. I thought it was because we had discovered just how much we really cared – I am not sure now. Right now it feels like we’ve gone back to the way things were - but it’s worse because I am insecure, when you are silent I am always wondering what or who you are thinking about. I’ve seen you weep a handful of times. Mostly about your father. Once about T (I know you don’t admit that ). Never about me – do I want to cause you pain? No, of course not, but I would like to know I am important enough to really touch you. I feel I could have walked out the door and out of your life and you would have just shrugged. You say you aren’t good at talking about your feelings. Do you think I don’t know that after all these years? But somehow you managed to find the ability to communicate deeply in your affair, and with me for a while after I found out. Why not now? I need that deep connection. You are so distant – I know work is stressful and I sympathise, but WE have to come first. I am going to book a marriage counselling session. Alternatively you could go to IC. Your choice. This isn’t about the affair any longer – it’s about the marriage we have and the marriage we should have. Because if we can’t fix this somehow, we are done. I don't want to live without you, but if I have to I can. 7
Summer Breeze Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Do you still want to be married to me? I don’t mean simply having me as a spouse and a partner, I mean as a lover and a friend? It might seem a stupid question considering what we have both been through since your affair, but it needs asking. I don’t feel there is anything much left right now. You have said the right things (when pressed) and done the right things (when directed to), but I don’t get any feeling that you are glad I didn’t kick you out or glad that you made the choice you did. The relationship forums I visit are riddled with unfaithful spouses that have ‘done the right thing’ by giving up their affairs but still miss the relationship and the affair partner and live in a state of regret. I don’t want to be married to a person who is half-hearted. The main reason for all my recent outbursts and tears has been this – who wants to be married to an unwilling and uninterested spouse When I first found out about the affair you were so gentle and loving – I felt precious to you for the first time in years - ironic eh? You were really trying to help me, being honest and communicative. You told me I was being so mature and ‘good’ about the affair – well in some ways, in spite of the pain, it was easy because I felt loved. Perhaps we were both in damage limitation mode. I thought it was because we had discovered just how much we really cared – I am not sure now. Right now it feels like we’ve gone back to the way things were - but it’s worse because I am insecure, when you are silent I am always wondering what or who you are thinking about. I’ve seen you weep a handful of times. Mostly about your father. Once about T (I know you don’t admit that ). Never about me – do I want to cause you pain? No, of course not, but I would like to know I am important enough to really touch you. I feel I could have walked out the door and out of your life and you would have just shrugged. You say you aren’t good at talking about your feelings. Do you think I don’t know that after all these years? But somehow you managed to find the ability to communicate deeply in your affair, and with me for a while after I found out. Why not now? I need that deep connection. You are so distant – I know work is stressful and I sympathise, but WE have to come first. I am going to book a marriage counselling session. Alternatively you could go to IC. Your choice. This isn’t about the affair any longer – it’s about the marriage we have and the marriage we should have. Because if we can’t fix this somehow, we are done. I don't want to live without you, but if I have to I can. I hope he realizes what a treasure he has in you before it's too late. 3
Author waterwoman Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 I hope he realizes what a treasure he has in you before it's too late. Thanks summer. So do I. He takes me for granted way more than I ever realised. Twat! 2
Author waterwoman Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 Question is, should I actually send it?
Summer Breeze Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Question is, should I actually send it? My opinion is yes you should. I'd also make it clear it's the last time you're willing to fill in the gaps he's leaving. 6
Spark1111 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 beautifully written, WW. You should send it to him and ask for a response, discussion. one of my sticking points after the affair was why did he or I ever think I deserved less effort thAn he had put into his affair relationship? that was tolerable, his complacency, when I loved and trusted him, when we were both on the same page in our long term marriage. Not great, but okay. Now? h no. He changed the rules with his affair and I vowed I would NEVER accept les than from him or any man. I want the same time, attention, and friendship he found the time to invest into her. I deserve at least that. YOU do too! 7
Author waterwoman Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 beautifully written, WW. You should send it to him and ask for a response, discussion. one of my sticking points after the affair was why did he or I ever think I deserved less effort thAn he had put into his affair relationship? that was tolerable, his complacency, when I loved and trusted him, when we were both on the same page in our long term marriage. Not great, but okay. Now? h no. He changed the rules with his affair and I vowed I would NEVER accept les than from him or any man. I want the same time, attention, and friendship he found the time to invest into her. I deserve at least that. YOU do too! Yes. Exactly. Thanks spark. Have to say that the affair was quite limited in it's scope - no gifts, no sex, not a great deal of time outside of work, but even so, he gave her, in the short time and within those constraints, more than he had given me for a while.
Author waterwoman Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 Sent it! Am waiting in breathless expectation of a text that will say something along the lines of 'Yes, I do. OK, book it' And I will give a silent scream of frustration at my laptop.... 1
Snowflower Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Hi waterwoman, I'm sorry to say but your H just doesn't seem to get it. You have threatened before to leave him if he didn't do what you needed in order to reconcile successfully. I think you need to start to consider doing more than simply giving him a letter. I don't obviously know your whole situation. Do you have young kids? Do you make a decent income? But take it from me, as someone who has had a very difficult reconciliation myself, I think you need to start to consider taking more serious steps such as separation. I suggest this not as a way to "wake-up" or manipulate your H into realizing what he is about to lose, but more so that you can see how you feel without him. Maybe it will wake him up, maybe it won't. But he doesn't seem to get what he has done and this makes you so unhappy. Quit waiting for him to get it and start trying to make you feel better and start taking steps to do that for yourself. Right now, the future of your marriage seems uncertain. Be proactive and do what you need to do to make you happy and secure. Only you can change your situation. And right now, his behavior doesn't seem to be cutting it. 2
beenburned Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 WW, I'm sorry your reconciliation isn't going well! Some men are the types that have to be told in a very direct way just what the wife needs to heal. I understand exactly about the hurt you feel when you think about all the effort and attention he put into the affair. But you need to distinguish if it was just a means to an end(sex) or if it truly was her he loved.(wanted a future with) This would determine whether you should even try to save the marriage or not. Things do take time, but if your H will not step up to the plate and prove he loves you and wants a future with only you, then you need to consider a divorce. (((HUGS))) 1
Author waterwoman Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 WW, I'm sorry your reconciliation isn't going well! Some men are the types that have to be told in a very direct way just what the wife needs to heal. I understand exactly about the hurt you feel when you think about all the effort and attention he put into the affair. But you need to distinguish if it was just a means to an end(sex) or if it truly was her he loved.(wanted a future with) This would determine whether you should even try to save the marriage or not. Things do take time, but if your H will not step up to the plate and prove he loves you and wants a future with only you, then you need to consider a divorce. (((HUGS))) Thankyou. He does do and say the right things but only when I have prompted him/ it's as if he's doing them for me, not for us, for MY reconciliation and MY marriage, not our reconciliation and our marriage. 1
jwi71 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Question is, should I actually send it? No. Tell him instead. 1
firemanq Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Question is, should I actually send it? I was in a situation similar to yours. No cheating, but lots of disrespect, being ignored, always being put down. I wrote a letter, took me 2 or 3 days to say what I wanted/needed to say. The preface was " I want you to read this letter at least 3 times. If you do not read this letter at least 3 times, leave. I will throw you out. Then I will never see you again. " The letter ended with "If you have read this at least 3 times, talk to me. If not, good bye." I put some I Love Yous in the letter and I gave it to her. I handed her the letter w/o any comments, just gave it to her and walked into my office withe the door closed. That was out of character for me. She was shocked. The letter worked. We worked it out. Just hand your letter to him, do not mail it, do not leave it where he will find it. Be honest, do not whimper, just tell him to read it, then turn and walk off. Good luck, be strong 2
Author waterwoman Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 I was in a situation similar to yours. No cheating, but lots of disrespect, being ignored, always being put down. I wrote a letter, took me 2 or 3 days to say what I wanted/needed to say. The preface was " I want you to read this letter at least 3 times. If you do not read this letter at least 3 times, leave. I will throw you out. Then I will never see you again. " The letter ended with "If you have read this at least 3 times, talk to me. If not, good bye." I put some I Love Yous in the letter and I gave it to her. I handed her the letter w/o any comments, just gave it to her and walked into my office withe the door closed. That was out of character for me. She was shocked. The letter worked. We worked it out. Just hand your letter to him, do not mail it, do not leave it where he will find it. Be honest, do not whimper, just tell him to read it, then turn and walk off. Good luck, be strong Thanks for your reply. I have emailed it to him. At work. I am at work too. I can't talk to him any more because I just cry and he gets this desperate uncomfortably look on his face and we get nowhere. I won't see him until late this evening as I am going to my parents with the children this evening. if he has nothing to say at that point I guess I will have my answer. 1
BetrayedH Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 WW, If you had to list what he has done to show true remorse and to work on the reconciliation, what would you list? As well, what do you think he is failing to do? 2
Author waterwoman Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 WW, If you had to list what he has done to show true remorse and to work on the reconciliation, what would you list? As well, what do you think he is failing to do? Good question: 1. Use his own initiative. Put himself in my shoes and think about what he would need. Or even better, since we've been together forever, try to imagine what I would need. 2. Show show effing EMOTION! Give me a hug when I come in from work -rather than waiting for me to give him one. Initiate sex - I know he feels a bit awkward with that as I was reluctant to get close to him at first. But I need to feel he actually WANTS to, I mean really wants to. 3. Talk to me - about how he feels, preferably how he feels about me - even if it was sometimes 'get off my case!' I don't have an x-ray to see into his dumb thick skull. I'd even welcome him talking about OW - how does he feel about her now? How does he feel about me? 4. Give it some welly! The reconciliation I mean. Own it - show me it's HIS as well as mine. It feels like getting blood from a stone. I have to tell him what we need to do - as if I'm the bloody expert all of a sudden. I don't know any more than he does but if it was up to him we'd not have moved on at all since June. 5. And as I said get some IC. He has more issues than Cosmo and its past time that they were looked at. I'd personally rather he did that before MC. I've been to IC - it helped me, he needs it more than I did. 2
Author waterwoman Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 Oh,and when I mention something about the A don't just look miserable and hangdog! SAY SOMETHING. Tell me how it makes you feel. Try to imagine how I feel. I have blathered on about my feeling so much because I get no feed back from you! 2
Spark1111 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 WW, If you had to list what he has done to show true remorse and to work on the reconciliation, what would you list? As well, what do you think he is failing to do? This is very important....and it can take some time after a DDay and the whirl of emotions to process your own feelings and then to be able to express them in the clearest, kindest way possible. Often, I would say I need time to process but I will get back to you on that when I figure it out. And that's okay to do. Try to be as specific as possible, as in, I need to feel you cherish me, and I feel MOST cherished when you.....fill in the blank. Let me talk? Empathize with my pain? Hold me? All of the above? 1
Spark1111 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Good question: 1. Use his own initiative. Put himself in my shoes and think about what he would need. Or even better, since we've been together forever, try to imagine what I would need. 2. Show show effing EMOTION! Give me a hug when I come in from work -rather than waiting for me to give him one. Initiate sex - I know he feels a bit awkward with that as I was reluctant to get close to him at first. But I need to feel he actually WANTS to, I mean really wants to. 3. Talk to me - about how he feels, preferably how he feels about me - even if it was sometimes 'get off my case!' I don't have an x-ray to see into his dumb thick skull. I'd even welcome him talking about OW - how does he feel about her now? How does he feel about me? 4. Give it some welly! The reconciliation I mean. Own it - show me it's HIS as well as mine. It feels like getting blood from a stone. I have to tell him what we need to do - as if I'm the bloody expert all of a sudden. I don't know any more than he does but if it was up to him we'd not have moved on at all since June. 5. And as I said get some IC. He has more issues than Cosmo and its past time that they were looked at. I'd personally rather he did that before MC. I've been to IC - it helped me, he needs it more than I did. That's pretty specific! And 6 . I do not feel that you are capable or interested in meeting needs to heal and that hurts me once again. I am not sure about our future together. 3
Furious Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 WW Your husband seems to be like a deer caught in headlights. He's not proactive and seems to think that fixing the marriage is to return to the marriage as it was before the affair. It as if he thinks the worst has passed and has the attitude of, know let's get on with it, and you both resume the status quo of the roles you took on in your marriage. WW, you can't fix him, you can lead him to water but can't make him drink. There's nothing more frustrating than to have to ask Talk to me Show me Love me Look at me Your husband has retreated, because he'd rather ignore the elephant in the room rather than have to do the work to get rid of it. Only you know how much more patience and time you can give to him. There will come a day when you realize enough is enough. It's odd but the more time you invest in concentrating on what he's thinking, doing, not doing, second guessing his every word and action you are stealing that energy from concentrating on yourself. WW, you need to be more selfish, but in a good way, you need to break away from the mold you've allowed yourself to become. You need to kick some ass and get your ninja groove on. You are more than a mommy and dutiful betrayed spouse...you are a spectacular woman and you own that. 3
veryhappy Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time. I think your son has Asperger's. Is your H on the spectrum? If you don't know, but suspect it, that should be the starting point because it changes things radically. You need MC with someone who's specialized in it.
Author waterwoman Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 There's nothing more frustrating than to have to ask Talk to me Show me Love me Look at me yes! That. Exactly. Frustrating. And horrible because it makes me look and sounds so damned needy. And I am not. I just want to know my SO is actually on the same side. Thankyou 2
Author waterwoman Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time. I think your son has Asperger's. Is your H on the spectrum? If you don't know, but suspect it, that should be the starting point because it changes things radically. You need MC with someone who's specialized in it. Yes, my youngest has mild aspergers. And yes, I have often looked at H and thought how similar they are. Thankyou. Sometimes it feels like the best therapy for H would be a blunt object to the head! But I feel much the same about son #2 as well...... 1
Author waterwoman Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 Oh great! H texted back. He's been told he might be losing his job Major stress. Affair and reconciliation in the back seat again. Still booking MC.
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