jlindemann Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 My boyfriend is going through some financial difficulties, and told me that he was going to probably get a roommate. I was supportive of this until I found out that he was also considering a female roommate. I told him that I wasn't comfortable with this, and he told me he needs help paying his bills, and will take any responsible adult who is clean and pays rent. I understand that, but I just cant deal with him having a female roommate and the stress it would put on our relationship. Today I wanted to talk to him on the phone about all of this. We talked for a few minutes, me letting him know how I felt. I do want to support him during this tough time, but I'm so hurt and frustrated that he's on the defensive and refuses to understand my feelings. He ended up saying he had to go and finish up with work, but to call or text him later. I was on my way to the gym to go work off some steam, but decided we really needed to talk about it face to face, so I went to his house. I started to let him know that I need to know that my feelings and opinions matter in this relationship also. It cant always be about just him, and I can't be afraid to speak up for myself for fear of starting an argument. He said that he understands that but he will be taking any responsible adult he can get. I said, no matter what? And he said yes, no matter what. So I told him I guess I should just go then, and I left. He didn't stop me or call me or anything. I don't think his purpose for being OK with a female roommate is to have any type of physical or emotional relationship with her. But just the fact that his willingness to live with another woman so he can pay his bills is at the cost of our relationship...and I guess he seems to be OK with that? I mean, I could stay with him and he could get a male roommate, but that doesn't change the fact that he seems to think my feelings are not considered in our relationship. Was I right in leaving? I dont know if we're broken up, I dont know if we can get past this. I want to, I love him. But I have to stand up for myself and not be walked over. We've been together for 6 months, and are both 31.
Tony T Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 (edited) Your feelings about a female roommate are certainly not unreasonable. His unwillingness to respect your feelings in this matter may be indicative of positions he may take in other matters between the two of you as your relationship progresses. You don't sound like you ask for much here. If he doesn't consider your feelings here take it as a warning of what would come in the future. You're much better off with someone who thinks like you do about the important things and who shows far more concern for your feelings, which you have clearly expressed. The guy sounds a bit narcissistic. This may be your golden chance to break loose. Edited January 16, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
LduKaZ Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 I'm only 24, but if you guys break up over this I would find the most childish BU reason I've ever heard of... Is your relationship that strong that it can go to hell for something like this?? You might even want to rethink what its based on.. Your relationship won't be in jeopardy because of a roommate, stop freaking out about things that COULD happen before they actually HAPPEN. He still contemplates a female option because you said no to it! Its not like he will reject any guy that comes until he finds a hot female that wants to move in.. The real problem here is a lack of understanding from both of you. A girl might even be a better option. If she has a boyfriend too, you guys might not even see her that often. If it's a guy with a girlfriend you will have to accept sharing your apartment with another couple. Think about it. What you need to do, is sit down, and find an agreement. Don't just stand there and yell White while he yells Black!! Find mutual ground.
Author jlindemann Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 Thank you for your replies. To clarify, my boyfriend and I don't live together. I have to children and live on my own. He has his own home. We don't spend every night together. Therefore, I'm not going to deal with the stress of our relationship knowing my boyfriend is at home living with another woman. It seems that this is becoming deeper than the fight about a female roommate. It's that he doesn't value or respect my feelings. It seems like he's in the mindset of not understanding that I'm also a person in this relationship and that my feelings about this matter too. Yeah, I know I'm putting the cart before the horse by saying all of this before it even "might" happen. I could stay with him, and yeah, he could end up with a male roommate. But now I'm even more hurt about the fact that he wants his way, regardless of how I feel about it. If he's not willing to compromise on this (like, just having a male roommate only), what wont he be willing to compromise on in the future?
stevie_23 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 As of now, I don’t think I’d consider you broken up. You’re taking some time to sort out how you both feel. He may honestly not understand why you have THIS much of a problem with him getting a female roommate (which may not happen anyway). He may have initially mentioned this possibility so that if it happened, it wouldn’t be a shock to you. He may have told you out of respect, or if he just had no idea it would be any sort of problem because he has no interest in any other woman except you. You on the other hand do obviously have a problem with it, and the fact that he TOLD you instead of discussing the possibility of a female roommate first is what’s getting to you. On his side again, he is probably very stressed about his financial situation, and he may even feel somewhat resentful or that you don’t take THIS feelings into account when you are not supportive of his requirement to take ANY suitable roommate. Roommates can be hard to find (the non-crazy ones I mean), so if he has to accept a female one, he thinks it’ll be easier for him to do, and quicker, if he needs money coming in soon. He may feel you don’t understand his needs in this regard. He may feel you’re being irrational and unsupportive, and he needed time to cool down and sort out if he maybe HAS handled this not the best way he could have before contacting you again. He may also be giving YOU space to work out if you can deal with and live with what he considers he HAS to do, which is simply consider the possibility of having a female roommate. Once you work out how you feel, and can express your thoughts in a calm and rational way (like how you felt he wasn’t respecting your views, your feelings, he didn’t give you a chance to have a say in something you consider very important even if he doesn’t, etc), talk to him. It’s not over.
Stoic44 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Sounds like this one is about control and communication, not the gender of the roommate.
Author jlindemann Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 You keep saying that, but you're not showing the slightest bit of interest in HIS feelings. And it's actually his life we're talking about here; his choice of roommates really does not objectively affect you at all. Why should he bend over backwards--potentially risking his own financial stability, if it takes him twice as long to find a suitable roommate with half the possibilities eliminated--to accommodate your feelings in a matter that doesn't even have anything to do with you? I do see the point you're trying to make here. And I have considered that as well. I thought maybe I was being to hard on him and not considering HIS feelings. But I don't feel that not wanting my boyfriend to have a female roommate is an unreasonable request. I also asked him how he would feel if I was interviewing men to come live with me. He said he would be uneasy about it.
Author jlindemann Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 Sounds like this one is about control and communication, not the gender of the roommate. I agree with you here. It started out with the possible female roommate, but I think we're getting into a bigger issue. Which may or may not be a bad thing? This is our first "real" argument since we've been together.
SharkTooth Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 I think you may have missed the boat on this one. He's in financial difficulty right? That is huge stress on anyone and it sounds like you didn't consider that he may not be thinking logically right now. The problem has got him in a whirlwind and he will do anything to get out of that situation. I'm sure his pride is getting in his way to. Probably the last thing on his mind is the fact that a woman would be a bad fit and idea. He simply sees the person as a solution to a difficult time in his life. Just another angle. I may be wrong I hope you guys can work it out
Stoic44 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Right, his position is he has to pay the bills, which is reasonable. But if he said he would be uneasy w. you living w. a guy, you have a right to feel uneasy w. him living w. a girl. What he should be saying is: "I understand. I'll try to find a guy but if I can't, please don't think it's bc I don't care about your feelings." Kind of turned into a power trip vs. listening and empathy. I've screwed up w. women about 10 times that way
Author jlindemann Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 I think you may have missed the boat on this one. He's in financial difficulty right? That is huge stress on anyone and it sounds like you didn't consider that he may not be thinking logically right now. The problem has got him in a whirlwind and he will do anything to get out of that situation. I'm sure his pride is getting in his way to. Probably the last thing on his mind is the fact that a woman would be a bad fit and idea. He simply sees the person as a solution to a difficult time in his life. Just another angle. I may be wrong I hope you guys can work it out This is an interesting point of view as well. I'm not financially well off (not even close), but I dont think I'm in the same financial situation as he is. I honestly dont even know how deep this situation is, we haven't gotten into much of a discussion about finances, since we dont live together. But many years ago, I was in such a financial rut, that I would have done just about anything for some help. I know what it feels like, and it's like you go into panic mode until you get some breathing room. Since he's mentioned a roommate, I thought the whole thing would just blow over soon, because he REALLY doesn't seem like the type of person who could handle a roommate. He's very OCD and a control freak. I understand this, and I know how he likes things in his house and where things go. But perhaps he's just in a really bad panic mode and feels like he has to take whatever just so he can get above water again?
Author jlindemann Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 Right, his position is he has to pay the bills, which is reasonable. But if he said he would be uneasy w. you living w. a guy, you have a right to feel uneasy w. him living w. a girl. What he should be saying is: "I understand. I'll try to find a guy but if I can't, please don't think it's bc I don't care about your feelings." Kind of turned into a power trip vs. listening and empathy. I've screwed up w. women about 10 times that way I really just wanted to talk about it. Both of us express our points of view and try to understand one another. But he seemed unwilling to listen to what I had to say and didn't care about my feelings and how upset I was. I know we need to take a day or two to clear our heads before we try and discuss again.
PogoStick Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 I'm 35/male and rented a house with 3 different women over 2 years. There was never anything close to hooking up going on. Real life isn't like the Real World. It's sad that you're willing to blow up the relationship over this, while he's trying to be financially responsible. It's a manipulative power play and by your 30s you should be past that stuff. FYI, women are not any cleaner than men!
Author jlindemann Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 So, I received a text from him today that says he doesn't understand what I'm so mad about. I really wanted to talk to him yesterday, but when I was there, he just sat there so cold and with an attitude, as if he didn't even care that I was there. I tried to talk and it didn't seem like he was even willing to listen. This is why I left. I was wondering what the point even was. I really don't want to lose him. He feels like I'm mad over a hypothetical situation. Which did upset me at first, but I wanted him to know and understand my feelings about it. After it appeared that he didn't want to listen to me, I feel like it opened up a new can of worms in our relationship and maybe now there is a bigger problem. I just dont know where to go from here. I don't want to lose him, and I dont think he wants to lose me either (otherwise I dont think he would have texted me this morning). But communication is key, and I dont think he wants to hear anything other than what he wants.
Author jlindemann Posted January 17, 2013 Author Posted January 17, 2013 (edited) So, I sent the following email to him yesterday (some of it you wont understand, kind of like an inside joke) You seem to shut down in person. And I know it's because you don't know how to handle emotions. You hate talking on the phone and texting, but it's the only way I can ever get anything out of you. So I guess this is the only way I can put it all out there. I wanted so badly to sit down and talk with you yesterday. About how you feel about this and for you to understand how I feel. But you stood there and just shrugged your shoulders and asked me what I wanted from you. I just want you to know that I'm also a person in this relationship and what I feel matters too. I don't want to tell you how to run your life, but I want you to value me enough to care what I have to say. And when I left you said nothing. As if you didn't care. I guess I don't fully understand your financial situation, probably because we never got into deep financial discussions. But I do know what it's like. I've been there...I'm still there I suppose. I live paycheck to paycheck and have little money saved for an emergency. I used to not even make it to the next paycheck and stress about where I was going to get money to pay bills or buy groceries (with two little mouths to feed that didn't understand.) I used to go into panic mode, and think of every little thing I could do to help my situation. I stressed a LOT about it. But then I started to understand that worrying is pointless. Worrying is like walking around wtih an umbrella, just waiting for it to rain. I knew I wasn't going to fix everything overnight, there was no way to "get rich quick". So I had to take small steps. And that's where I'm at now. In the middle of some of my small steps. I'm not where I want to be, but I have a plan in place of how I want to get there. And I worry less. Because it is what it is. I know that you think this is all just about the potential possiblity of a female roommate. And I guess it started out that way, but the way you've acted as if what I feel about it means nothing, it seemed to turn into a bigger issue. I'm not telling you how to live your life. I know that you need to do what you feel is right for you. But I know that I couldn't handle the stress and uneasyness of a woman living with you. I don't think that's being unreasonable. And I am not an ultimatum person, I don't do that to people. I don't think it's right to feel like I have some sort of control over the way people live their lives. I want you to care enough about us to make us work, while also trying to fix your financial situation. I guess I just know that there can be a man out there that will work with your situation. I don't want something like this to **** up what we have. And I'm pretty sure it will. I don't want to lose you baby. I love you so much. But I also can't compromise who I am and what I know I can handle. And I want you to understand and respect my feelings too, rather than act like they don't matter. So, disagreements are what test relationships. We can either disagree and let it fall apart. Or we can decide to work through it together and come out stronger on the other side. I love you baby and I'm a give and take person. I dont always want or need things my way, and I'm good wtih compromise on common ground. You just have to be also. I love what we have. Hanging out watching football, cooking, movies, ancient aliens and all of your other weird shows that I've grown to like. I love joking with you and seeing you smile. I love your sarcasm. I love it when you hold me. I love your silly texts that make me smile while I'm at work. I hate not texting you goodnight, or telling you to have a wonderful majestical whimsical day. I hated waking up this morning not knowing if I've lost you. But most of all, I love that I can see myself with you in the future. I know that I accept your OCD control freak nature. Which is strange, because it's kind of opposite of the way I am. I don't want anything to jeopordize what I want to experience with you in the future that I know we can have together. And I feel like this will. I do love you baby, with every part of me. He had not acknowledged it. But then texted me to let me know what time he would be off work. I asked him if that meant he wanted me to come over, and he said, "of course, but only if you want to". I did go to his house, hoping to make some progress on this. But we didn't talk about it at all. We had a wonderful evening together, cooked dinner, watched tv, joked around with each other. I don't know really what to do. Do I just wait and see what happens with this whole roommate situation? Do you think he understands how I feel but doesn't feel the need to have more of a discussion about it? Edited January 17, 2013 by jlindemann
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