ImperfectionisBeauty Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Hypothetically say you met a guy and he seemed nice and stuff and super sweet and said all the right stuff, then you found out they at one point a year or so ago got in trouble for throwing their child's mom against a wall and pushing her down... but they changed and got help and stuff would you believe that they changed? Would you take a chance and date them? Just wondering..
TheZebra Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Never. There are many things I can overlook about a person's past, but abuse is not one of them. 1
charlietheginger Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 No abusive people have physiological disorders. They never change they just change how they abuse People. Most go from physically hurting people to Emotionally , mentally hurting people. For the abuser They get a satisfaction from abusing someone. Examples guy controlls is anger by not hitting his Wife. instead he verbally degrades her or cheats. This gives him the reward of abusing someone by Hurting the other person not physically but mentally. Many people that abuse people were often abused Themselves. Its called circular cycles. So he seems happy? Does he call people losers? Make fun of other peoples jobs or cars? Well guess when your married to him and no one Else is around who will he make fun of? You guessed It YOU. so be carefull around people known as "degraders" They get joy out of making others feel bad often known As bullies 3
Maneater Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Do not move forward with even entertaining the thought of this any further. No. Cheaters are bad enough.
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 No abusive people have physiological disorders. They never change they just change how they abuse People. Most go from physically hurting people to Emotionally , mentally hurting people. For the abuser They get a satisfaction from abusing someone. Examples guy controlls is anger by not hitting his Wife. instead he verbally degrades her or cheats. This gives him the reward of abusing someone by Hurting the other person not physically but mentally. Many people that abuse people were often abused Themselves. Its called circular cycles. So he seems happy? Does he call people losers? Make fun of other peoples jobs or cars? Well guess when your married to him and no one Else is around who will he make fun of? You guessed It YOU. so be carefull around people known as "degraders" They get joy out of making others feel bad often known As bullies I haven't known him long at all, so far he has been pretty nice to me but it hasn't been a long period of time and nothing is serious we just chat occasionally... I'm in no rush, especially since he has these issues and he has a child.
TheZebra Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 There's a world of men out there and you would actually consider an abusive guy with a kid..? Why..? 4
SJC2008 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Change takes a CONCIOUS effort! They have to realize they have a problem and WANT to change. A good example would be controlling men/women. According to one website and to my surprise, controlling people don't know they are controlling (I'm not sure I agree with this, I need to do more research on the topic). Being controlling is their way of managain their lack of control and lack of trust. Now if this site is correct and they truly don't know they are controlling you have to convince them they are and if you can, they have to want to change and willing to get help. This is a good example of why people don't usually change IMO, the damage is already done and is hard to reverse.
ThaWholigan Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Meh, redemption is a hard road to go down - especially if one is an abuser or other worse things. I'd like to believe that very, very few are beyond redemption, but even I think that is far too idealistic and certainly people seem to not only agree but not even allow it - and with regards to their own lives, justifiably so in many cases. With that in mind, it would take a brave(or stupid) person to date a previously abusive person in the hope that their past is truly behind them. There are cases where the person is no longer abusive and is truly remorseful - but that is not going to stop people from constantly reminded them of where they came from, unfortunately for them, such are the consequences. I wouldn't recommend it personally, in spite of my sorrow for their inability to escape their demons. Especially for someone so young and harboring so much youthful immaturity, I fear that in the event that this person regresses, you might be exposed to things you aren't ready to deal with, which people rarely are in those cases. Keep out of this one. 4
samsungxoxo Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Hypothetically say you met a guy and he seemed nice and stuff and super sweet and said all the right stuff, then you found out they at one point a year or so ago got in trouble for throwing their child's mom against a wall and pushing her down... but they changed and got help and stuff would you believe that they changed? Would you take a chance and date them? Just wondering..No thank you. That's something I would never accept from a man. The only single exception to the rule would be if it was an ''I thought she was gonna seriously injure or kill me, had to hit her once to save myself'' type of incident. Anything else... he can go take a hike.
stevie_23 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 I personally think this is a bit too complicated and a potentially very hurtful situation for you to get further into. If you’re not in love with him yet, I would seriously stop now. If you ARE already in love, I’m not sure what I’d do if I were you. It’s hard once love is involved. He has a child. And a wife or ex-wife or whatever she is to him now. That will always be a complication. Do you want children? Does he ever see his child? Is he even allowed to, after being abusive to the mother? I say in terms of the abuse, if he was abusive to the mother only once, well…I don’t know. Maybe it was a one off thing and he got help (do you know this for sure? That he actually DID get help?), and maybe he was so appalled and shocked at his actions, and he got help to change right away, he may never do it again. He also may never do it to YOU even if he hasn’t change 100%. People CAN change, but…it’s very hard if it’s in their personality, upbringing, and deep seated inside their mind and behavioural patterns. Different people stir up different reactions in people. Some people can be horribly abusive to certain partners and not others. It shouldn’t be up to you though, to be the type of person who DOESN’T stir him into abuse though. How did you find out about what he did before? Was he open and told you? This is a good sign if he did, but it still doesn't mean he'll never do it again. And yes, often people who abuse in one way, even if they stop that particular type of abuse (say, physical), they will tend to continue to use those destructive or controlling methods in other ways (say, emotional). I hope you know that ANY type of abuse is just unjustifiable. Emotional, mental, sexual, physical. None of it is acceptable EVER. I would be inclined to say, if you want to give him a chance, do so at your own risk but if he ever shows ANY sign of heading towards abuse towards you, get OUT, but then of course, by that time you may be deeply in love and you may make excuses for him or not even SEE how he’s treating you isn’t right, and it’ll be too late. Good luck.
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 I personally think this is a bit too complicated and a potentially very hurtful situation for you to get further into. If you’re not in love with him yet, I would seriously stop now. If you ARE already in love, I’m not sure what I’d do if I were you. It’s hard once love is involved. He has a child. And a wife or ex-wife or whatever she is to him now. That will always be a complication. Do you want children? Does he ever see his child? Is he even allowed to, after being abusive to the mother? I say in terms of the abuse, if he was abusive to the mother only once, well…I don’t know. Maybe it was a one off thing and he got help (do you know this for sure? That he actually DID get help?), and maybe he was so appalled and shocked at his actions, and he got help to change right away, he may never do it again. He also may never do it to YOU even if he hasn’t change 100%. People CAN change, but…it’s very hard if it’s in their personality, upbringing, and deep seated inside their mind and behavioural patterns. Different people stir up different reactions in people. Some people can be horribly abusive to certain partners and not others. It shouldn’t be up to you though, to be the type of person who DOESN’T stir him into abuse though. How did you find out about what he did before? Was he open and told you? This is a good sign if he did, but it still doesn't mean he'll never do it again. And yes, often people who abuse in one way, even if they stop that particular type of abuse (say, physical), they will tend to continue to use those destructive or controlling methods in other ways (say, emotional). I hope you know that ANY type of abuse is just unjustifiable. Emotional, mental, sexual, physical. None of it is acceptable EVER. I would be inclined to say, if you want to give him a chance, do so at your own risk but if he ever shows ANY sign of heading towards abuse towards you, get OUT, but then of course, by that time you may be deeply in love and you may make excuses for him or not even SEE how he’s treating you isn’t right, and it’ll be too late. Good luck. I'm not in love with him... actually now that he told me this I am kind of turned off. He did come out and tell me and he got help because it was court ordered.
D-Lish Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 (edited) I'm not in love with him... actually now that he told me this I am kind of turned off. He did come out and tell me and he got help because it was court ordered. I once threw an xmas party at my house and my friend's wife got hammered and sloppy drunk. She was acting like an ass hitting on other people's husbands, trying to make out with other women, getting into arguments with people- just all around making an ass of herself. My male friend was so embarrassed and upset and he confronted her. She threw a drink in his face and flew into a drunken rage- and he ended up grabbing her wrist and shoving her away from him after she picked up another drink and tried to throw it at him for a second time. She fell on her butt and he tried to help her up and she clocked him in the jaw. He left, mortified and she stuck around crying and lamenting that he had assaulted her. There was a room full of people bearing witness as this unfolded- and we saw the whole incident. Had this argument happened, say once they got home and were alone, and neighbours called the police and she claimed he assaulted her- the benefit of the doubt would have been given to her and he would have been hauled away. This was a circumstance in which he was righteous in defending himself and not indicative of who I knew him to be as a person I'd known for 10 years at that time. I don't think one altercation makes someone an abusive person- and circumstances and context do matter. In a situation like this, when you don't know this person well, you have to rely on your gut to help you make a decision. It doesn't mean he is abusive- but it doesn't mean he isn't. If you do decide to date him, I'd proceed with extreme caution. Edited January 16, 2013 by D-Lish 3
newmoon Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 no. i would be very happy that they got help and tried to change, but i, personally, do not believe people can make major changes in behavior like that. even if they manage to do for a while and the behavior disappears, their first instinct will always be to respond in that aggressive fashion and it puts you at risk every time.
Malia25 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 I wouldn't recommend it personally, in spite of my sorrow for their inability to escape their demons. Especially for someone so young and harboring so much youthful immaturity, I fear that in the event that this person regresses, you might be exposed to things you aren't ready to deal with, which people rarely are in those cases. Keep out of this one. TheWholigan....always so wise! I completely agree with you. Imperfectionistbeauty, based on posts of yours that I've read, you are quite young, naive and insecure with yourself - all traits that physical and emotional abusers prey on. Guys like that have a way of getting into your head and making you feel/think things that you don't quite understand, but you go along with it anyways because you just aren't strong enough as a person to comprehend what's going on. Once you're in their grasp, it's so hard to escape. I've personally never been a victim of any type of abuse, but I've been witness to it. It's scary and it's too much for you to handle at your age and mindset. For your own sake, just leave. I know you feel like there aren't any other guys out there who will like you or tell you you're pretty and wonderful, but there ARE. This guy ain't it! I don't want to read another thread of yours months down the line about the bf who hurts you, but you love him too much to leave. Nip it girlfriend! 1
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 He is like telling me all this stuff about how he has been to jail a few times for different things and I am starting to not really want to talk to him anymore, but I don't want to be a bitch and like stop talking to him and then he will think I am judging him you know? I just don't want to date someone with so much extra you know? I mean jail time for stuff and a child it is just a lot. Can I just slowly fade out maybe?
charlietheginger Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 He is like telling me all this stuff about how he has been to jail a few times for different things and I am starting to not really want to talk to him anymore, but I don't want to be a bitch and like stop talking to him and then he will think I am judging him you know? I just don't want to date someone with so much extra you know? I mean jail time for stuff and a child it is just a lot. Can I just slowly fade out maybe? Get away from this loser. Serious you need to Be concerened for your own well being versus " i don't Wanna look like a bitch" imo its ok to look like a bitch who cares what this guy thinks he hits people and has bounced In and outta jail. Be a bitch 1
monicaelise Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 He is like telling me all this stuff about how he has been to jail a few times for different things and I am starting to not really want to talk to him anymore, but I don't want to be a bitch and like stop talking to him and then he will think I am judging him you know? I just don't want to date someone with so much extra you know? I mean jail time for stuff and a child it is just a lot. Can I just slowly fade out maybe? Yes, yes, yes, this is a fade-worthy situation. Give people a chance, but don't stick around when you know they're bad news. Jail and a history of domestic violence aren't things that you need to make room for. You don't need to be a bitch, in fact I would highly recommend against it, but quietly make a very quick beeline to the nearest exist. Exercising solid judgment isn't the same as being unfairly judgmental.
stevie_23 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 If you’re not in love him, then I would walk away. Be nice and respectful of course, but just…don’t go any further into this relationship. There are many other guys out there with less risk factors. I’m not saying this particular guy will automatically treat you badly, but why risk it if you’re not in love already? You seem to be pulling away from him of your own accord, which is good. Very good. Do NOT worry about how you appear towards him if you tell him you don’t want to continue seeing him. It is YOUR life and you can only live it for YOU. You can try and “fade” away, but if he keeps pursuing you (and hopefully he won’t), then just tell him kindly that you’re just not looking to get into anything deeper now.
Lobouspo Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 He is like telling me all this stuff about how he has been to jail a few times for different things and I am starting to not really want to talk to him anymore, but I don't want to be a bitch and like stop talking to him and then he will think I am judging him you know? I just don't want to date someone with so much extra you know? I mean jail time for stuff and a child it is just a lot. Can I just slowly fade out maybe? I would the farm this guy turns stalker on you as soon as you do the fade out.
Lobouspo Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 He is like telling me all this stuff about how he has been to jail a few times for different things and I am starting to not really want to talk to him anymore, but I don't want to be a bitch and like stop talking to him and then he will think I am judging him you know? I just don't want to date someone with so much extra you know? I mean jail time for stuff and a child it is just a lot. Can I just slowly fade out maybe? I would bet the farm this guy turns stalker on you as soon as you do the fade out.
Lobouspo Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Why did you befriend this loser in the first place?
carhill Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 OP, generally, most people, if queried, will respond 'no way' but life doesn't work like that. People who abuse don't generally seek out new relationships with people who are aware of their abusive natures/actions/results. Since you're speaking of a man, such a man, if a serial abuser, can and will present himself in a charming and unremarkable way to gain the confidence and/or love of his next partner and the abusive nature will be revealed over time, generally matched very well to how he 'reads' the partner's investment and attachment. People who are serial abusers are also generally very good at 'reading' people and knowing how to elicit investment and attachment. It's a pragmatic intellectual process. Can they change? Anyone can change. Whether or not that change makes them a healthy partner or whether their history is relevant regardless of change is unique to each individual assessing them. As relationships are risks, each of us has our own unique risk-tolerance/risk-aversion. Personally, as I've aged, I've become more risk-averse. Hence, if observed/deduced/discovered/disclosed, I'd be unlikely to continue with a person who has a history of repetitive abusive behaviors and/or demonstrates same in the present.
aed Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 It's the same with a person that cheated on allot on their previous os. Yes they can change but not in 1 or 2 years. It takes allot of time, effort for someone to change their coping strategies. 1
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