xuwa Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 I am a foreigner...hope people can forgive the grammar mistakes and the plain language. I'm also new to the culture, and I don't really know how people value relationships and cope with problems. I need your advice! My problem: I have all sorts of problems regarding my position in our relationship. As he said, I'm not active, not confident, sneaky. Sometimes he complains I'm not independent enough because I was clingy to him at parties. This is true. I'm a little shy talking to people and my language ability limits what I want to talk therefore I'm inclined to be near him so that I will feel safe. He also complains that I am all over him in front of people and don't give him enough space. I will say this is also true. My way of expression affection sometimes weirds him out. We've been officially together for 5 months, but he moved in to my place quickly after we started because of some roommate issue. His problem, the story from last night: My bf and the girl, they have known each other for like a 2 months. They all love outdoor sports and I know they've gone climbing a few times. Last night when we were at a party, my bf was hanging out with this girl in the living room. They all had some drinks, but far from drunk. They were playing this "jigsaw" sort of game on the wall, and apparently they were excited and had so much fun. The way they interacted and looked at each other, and the happy smile they had on their faces, is something I've never seen before between him and another normal female friend. What I saw in front of me and my gut feeling both tell me, there's something going on more than just hanging out with a good friend. They looked at each other's eyes all night, and I'm not a idiot, I can see the chemistry growing and their connection sparkling. I was standing near them, watching them playing it. The girl was solely focused on the game and on talking to him. My bf barely talked to me either. I tried to speak with him a few times, but he totally ignored me. I felt like ****, so I walked away, sat down on the couch near them, watching, and being clueless and so jealous. Then they started dancing, and after a while my bf asked me to join. I refused...Later on, the girl was gone somewhere else in the house. I was again standing next to my bf, doing nothing, then he walked to the direction of the kitchen. I went up there after a few minutes, saw were only him and the girl in the kitchen, eating and chatting happily. Again I felt the chemistry. They saw me and asked me if I wanted some food. I again refused... Another recent story: Last Saturday, around ten thirty in the morning, we just got up and my bf got dressed. He said he wanted to go bouldering outdoors with a buddy and would be back at noon. A while after he left me, he called and said it's too cold to boulder outside so he decided to go climbing in gym and would be back later than noon because his buddy needed to pay, so he felt obliged to stay longer. I said ok, cooked lunch for us, then waited and waited, until two thirty in the afternoon he texted saying "I want to pick u up for lunch and REI with xx(the girl, she's got the gym pass) and possibly Mike(his buddy)" I felt like **** expecting to spend Saturday with him doing something together but only got to see him leave as soon as I woke up and waited. I said "I already ate. I'm staying in. Have fun." He said "Noooo" but nothing more. When he finally got back home at 5, he looked soooo happy. The next day Sunday I went to the gym with him, but he seemed somewhat happy but not really. I just talked with him about this girl's thing. He seemed a little nervous and tried to distract me. He also said he didn't want to be around me all the time because I was "always all over him." Fine, but that doesn't explain why he and the girl were staring into each other's eyes... What should I do now? I feel very insecure and paranoid. I want to ask everyday whether he's going to meet the girl at gym. But I don't want to annoy him so much. I also want to see how he interacts with the girl next time. In the meantime I'm afraid of seeing them together and I don't dare to witness the chemistry growing...He never said "I love you" to me, although he says to our cat all the time. Should I trust him? I don't blame him for not having the right feeling for me, I just want to know what to do to protect myself, because apparently I'm way more attached to him than he does to me....
skweezd Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Xuwa, Let me share a little information with you that a man once told me... Men have no interest in being friends with a woman unless they are interested in her. In all my years, I have found this to be mostly true unless they are co-workers and even then you have to be careful. Guys like to hang around with guys. If this is going on, and especially right in front of you, then not only is it down right disrespectful, but he's also blowing smoke up your a$$ about it. You say that you've called him out on it and he gets weird talking about it and tries to distract you.... that's his guilt doing that. So to answer your question about what you should do now... think about confronting him or moving on. Ask him how he would feel if you were doing these things with another man... would it then be ok? Kim 1
KathyM Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 I agree with the poster above. The way he treated you at that party was very disrespectful. Ignoring you, basically, and giving the other woman so much attention. Time to drop this guy. He doesn't value you enough and he has poor boundaries.
Mantha03 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Wow that is so unbelievably disrespectful. For him to ignore you and push you to the side rather there are feelings towards this other girl are not he obviously doesn't have enough consideration for you as his woman. Maybe it's time to leave him behind.
anna121 Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 Gotta agree. From what you describe, they basically were courting each other at that party. The fact you were there makes it quite unbelievable (it still would be wrong, but more understandable if they were alone).
Leigh 87 Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 It sounds like he likes you as a person, and enjoys being around you sometimes, but he is not truly into you. He likes you, but not very much in a strong, romantic way. It is not that he actually does NOT like you - but, put it this way: When a guy is really into a girl, and when he is falling in love with her, he WILL NOT act the way your boyfriend did.... ..... The best thing to do is end it: the way he acts towards that girl? Well, there are guys who will act that way to you! I think you want a guy who is really interested in you, in the way your boyfriend was interested in that girl at the party! 1
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