Gingerxr2 Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 Just wondering if anyone else on the receiving end of the n/c rule hates it ? I understand that it's a good thing in every aspect , on moving on and breaking the link , but if the relationship ended suddenly , with no explanation and then goes n/c then it can be worse !! Your left with lots if questions !!!!
TaraMaiden Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 Questions which, in spite of popular opinion or desire, will do nothing to allay your curiosity, or give you closure! What these questions actually do, is simply prolong the agony, and generate more questions. Satisfactory answers, there are none... If you're on the receiving end of NC - thank your lucky stars. Being fed a constant drip supply of breadcrumbs is far more tortuous.... 1
MyAngel Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 I was dumped and on the receiving end of NC. I don't hate it because I know this is what needs to happen to cut her out of my life but I understand what you mean. I feel as if I cannot even say my piece, I can't even say goodbye. I was told NC and therefore I have been silenced. 1
stevie_23 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 I can appreciate the usage of NC to move on and heal and to prevent prolonging any pain, HOWEVER the dumper SHOULD explain and talk directly to the dumpee FIRST. When a dumper simply gives NO warning and everything seems ok in the relationship and then suddenly BAM! NC and NO explanation? The dumpee is left absolutely BEREFT and doesn’t know if the dumper is angry at them, has broken up with them, or is in the hospital or has even DIED at first! They wait…and wait…and wait…and try to contact the dumper, desperately confused and upset. THIS kind of NC is just cruel and selfish. But as long as there IS an explanation (even if it doesn’t seem adequate to the dumpee), NC is ok. 1
MyAngel Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Agree with that Stevie. Someone who just ups and leaves with NO explanation is a jerk. I got an explanation but no chance to even say my piece in return. Now I will forever have that hanging above my head but oh well, what can I do. 1
stevie_23 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Ooh, I know how that feels too. My ex got really sick back in June last year. The last I heard he wasn’t feeling well, and then he cut contact (because he was in the hospital). I had no idea what had happened to him. Didn’t even know if he was alive. He couldn’t let me know because he was in the hospital and the only very infrequent internet use he had was on his partner’s laptop when she came to visit. As I was the OW and we were not supposed to be in contact, he couldn’t even let me know what had happened for the whole week he was in there. Well, I looked for him online on day 2, terrified he’d died, as before this time we’d been in contact all day everyday pretty much in emails, online chats and texts, for over a year. I saw he’d been on this songwriting forum he goes on, and I was like WHAT!? I was SO confused so I sent him a private msg on there even though I knew I wasn’t supposed to (due to his wife having access to that account). He replied very briefly saying he was in the hospital and on her laptop. I felt hurt and confused. Didn’t know why he was on HER laptop and I thought if he was going to write back to me at all he could’ve said “dear” (like we always called each other) or “I love you” or even just “L” for love or something. When he got out of the hospital, he emailed me saying he was being watched all the time due to his poor health. He then told me he had to get married so he could go on his wife’s employer’s health insurance ($20,000 hospital bill) and also so he’d have someone to take care of him ongoing as he got older, etc. So he then wrote me one last email, telling me he was heartbroken and crying and we couldn’t be together and he couldn’t be the husband he so wanted to be for me. I wrote back, but…he didn’t check that email account again or his phone (which he actually couldn’t find for a while). I was frustrated that he hadn’t even given me the CHANCE to say anything. Later, after a month, he came back and we got back together. He explained why he’d behaved the way he had, and it was ok. He said he had been misguided and who was he to make that choice for both of us? So…yeah. Seems now he’s done the same thing again except this time he didn’t even tell me.
portableversion Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Ooh, I know how that feels too. My ex got really sick back in June last year. The last I heard he wasn’t feeling well, and then he cut contact (because he was in the hospital). I had no idea what had happened to him. Didn’t even know if he was alive. He couldn’t let me know because he was in the hospital and the only very infrequent internet use he had was on his partner’s laptop when she came to visit. As I was the OW and we were not supposed to be in contact, he couldn’t even let me know what had happened for the whole week he was in there. Well, I looked for him online on day 2, terrified he’d died, as before this time we’d been in contact all day everyday pretty much in emails, online chats and texts, for over a year. I saw he’d been on this songwriting forum he goes on, and I was like WHAT!? I was SO confused so I sent him a private msg on there even though I knew I wasn’t supposed to (due to his wife having access to that account). He replied very briefly saying he was in the hospital and on her laptop. I felt hurt and confused. Didn’t know why he was on HER laptop and I thought if he was going to write back to me at all he could’ve said “dear” (like we always called each other) or “I love you” or even just “L” for love or something. When he got out of the hospital, he emailed me saying he was being watched all the time due to his poor health. He then told me he had to get married so he could go on his wife’s employer’s health insurance ($20,000 hospital bill) and also so he’d have someone to take care of him ongoing as he got older, etc. So he then wrote me one last email, telling me he was heartbroken and crying and we couldn’t be together and he couldn’t be the husband he so wanted to be for me. I wrote back, but…he didn’t check that email account again or his phone (which he actually couldn’t find for a while). I was frustrated that he hadn’t even given me the CHANCE to say anything. Later, after a month, he came back and we got back together. He explained why he’d behaved the way he had, and it was ok. He said he had been misguided and who was he to make that choice for both of us? So…yeah. Seems now he’s done the same thing again except this time he didn’t even tell me. i feel for you this is a sick and twisted cruel world we live in, personally im done i just want to goto church everyday now, perhaps ill become a priest the pain is just too much, im not sure its worth it. There are just way toomany people who are selfish, full of fear and insecurities, dishonest, full of false ideas, fearful of money problems and death, they crap on love and use it as a tool or dont understand what love is. Love is the ultimate we should be willing to die for it. I really feel for you hang in there supposedly we can learn fromthis and grow. I dont know ive seen trees hit by storms and they dont recover, sure they survive but they never will obtain their full potential. I repeat this is a sick and twisted world people do such horrible things to each other. For me going to church as much as possible has helped alot, but i know my soul will have a serious scar forever. At least you didnt get divorced and had kids involved. Im not going to kill myslef but at this time i can see old age as a blessing, who would want to put up with this crap for an eternity, for some reason god does....what ever it is has a love which we cant live up to or are unwilling to accept. people are so clueless
MyAngel Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 I hope you will be okay soon portableversion. Loving someone with all your heart only to get it thrown back at you is HELL. It will take me a long time to get over this and trust again. Stevie, I can now understand more of your relationship with your ex having read your other comment in the other section, and I know you loved him but if he truly loved you, he would NOT treat you in this way. I'm sorry. He just wouldn't. I can understand your hurt it sucks. We gave them ALL and it was wasted.
TaraMaiden Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 WE all know what 'should' happen. The reason things don't happen as they should, is because that person probably has an inkling that they're doing 'the dishonourable thing' and would prefer to face the temporary guilt of screwing up, rather than doing things the right way, facing you, telling you to your face, and risking the fall-out. This way enables them to walk away without having to take that responsibility. Much easier. Far less brave, and really spineless, but sadly, far too many people prefer dishonour to doing the right thing. Dishonour doesn't open them to risk, exposure or responsibility. 2
Author Gingerxr2 Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 WE all know what 'should' happen. The reason things don't happen as they should, is because that person probably has an inkling that they're doing 'the dishonourable thing' and would prefer to face the temporary guilt of screwing up, rather than doing things the right way, facing you, telling you to your face, and risking the fall-out. This way enables them to walk away without having to take that responsibility. Much easier. Far less brave, and really spineless, but sadly, far too many people prefer dishonour to doing the right thing. Dishonour doesn't open them to risk, exposure or responsibility. Fair point , but surely somewhere in there head they must relise how much hurt , anxiety and damn right emotional upset that is going to cause ? I don't get how someone that you spend so much time getting to know and love can turn into someone so gutless ? How can they sleep silently at night ?
TaraMaiden Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 It's possible they don't. But you have no idea. This is why these questions are unanswerable - I'm sure that somewhere in their heads they do feel bad. But they still prefer the 'drop off the radar' option, because it takes less effort. Anything else denotes an agreement that there was of some form of commitment - and they don't want to admit to that.
MyAngel Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 I really enjoy your insight Tara. You tell it how it is and you often open my eyes to things I'd not thought about before. I agree that breaking up a cowardly way is the easy way out. Doing the decent thing and facing your soon-to-be-dumped love and having to talk it out, see them crying... Where's the fun in that. It makes more sense to me now why people choose to be cowards but it's still spineless. At least have the decency to have a conversation with the person you supposedly "loved". 1
Author Gingerxr2 Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 I found an email from my uncle today in Sicily , he's very Christian and has become very protective over me since my mum died ,this is his belief so please if it offenders anyone I apologise but it helped me today , and hope it might help a few people x ps I'm sorry if spelling isn't great as English isn't his best language Hey Brother, I'm sorry to hear this, but it sounds like this could be a BLESSING in disguise, although, you may not see it that way now, but there could have been a huge reason, I don't know if she is Christian or what she's like, but God WILL turn it around for good. God wants this time, you're feeling lonely and down to come to HIM, for HE's THE ANSWER to EVERYTHING! God said, "cast all your cares onto me, for I care for you." Give Him all of you, holding nothng back, He wants to be close to you, have a personal relataionship with you, and love on you. I know, probably sounds easier said than done, but thank God you weren't married and she wanted a divorce, a lot of good can come from a relationship, don't look so much as to " what did I do wrong" because it's NOT always us, but the other person, but reflect on it and think what can i take from this. I think right now, you should leave her be and pray for yourself and her, but don't focus on so much you're alone, because in Deuteronomy 31:6, God said, " Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsaken you." 1
stevie_23 Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 It seems to me that this sudden NC treatment and lack of proper explanations and “dignified” breakups is very common, even after long term deeply loving relationships. So I honestly do not think ALL these people NEVER loved their partners no matter how badly they treat them when they want to end the relationship for whatever reason. I think treating someone like this is more about them as people (like they’re a bit cowardly, afraid, selfish, overwhelmed, out of touch with reality, etc) as opposed to how they did or didn’t feel during the relationship. When there is SUCH a drastic difference in behaviour and treatment and words during the relationship when compared to when it ends? You know they loved you during the relationship. But you also know they either DON’T now, or they are just…crazy. lol 1
Mr.White Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 Questions which, in spite of popular opinion or desire, will do nothing to allay your curiosity, or give you closure! What these questions actually do, is simply prolong the agony, and generate more questions. Satisfactory answers, there are none... If you're on the receiving end of NC - thank your lucky stars. Being fed a constant drip supply of breadcrumbs is far more tortuous.... This post from TaraMaiden is spot on. I tried to get 'closure' from the ex. It just stirs up more and more questions because they do not want to tell you the truth or they are confused themselves. Bad decision to break NC.
stevie_23 Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 I think the only reasons to break NC would be… - If you are the dumpee and the dumper has broken NC and is telling you he / she wants to get back together AND you also want to give it a chance and see what he / she has to say before making an informed and hopefully rational decision - If you have had enough distance and want to maintain or commence a friendship Otherwise, it’s not worth it.
MyAngel Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 Is there any way to PM you Stevie? I don't know if this board allows PMs?
TaraMaiden Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 PMs are switched to 'allow' after a specific quantity of posts/time of membership. Currently, stevie still has a while to go. A word to the wise - do not post contact details ON forum.... 2
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