Author LduKaZ Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 If I were you, I'd either ignore her mssg and move on, OR, move on, after sending her a text in which you tell her that she's a whore, and that she can go f*ck herself. I am serious. She's playing you like a billiard ball, and you are contemplating NSA ... just to keep her around you. Are you for f*cking real? Yeah go right ahead! Do it! See how you like being trampled on like a goddamn doormat. What part of her mssg do you not understand? She doesn't want this. She doesn't want you. She wants you as her FWB, on her own terms. Go ahead and fit yourself into her terms... but don't complain when she drops you like a hot pot, and runs to the next guy and then the next guy, and bangs other guys behind your back, only to tell you, when you find out and get upset, that hey, she is not your gf after all, and that it was NSA.. Dude this is the ideal situation if you were unattached emotionally and wanted to have fun, party with her get laid etcetera. And didn't care if she is banging other guys etcetera. I've had this type of relationship before with some fun girls and it was fine. But the second you want more you are DOOMED..REPEAT.. DOOMED AND YOU WANT MORE.! What is going on, if i may make an analogy, is sort of like falling in love with a stripper or a prostitute. Your going to end up totally effed up and miserable. (Not that im calling her this) You cant go back and she wont move forward with you. End this now because you are just setting yourself up for more heartbreak. That's my take anyway. A little harsh, but the truth usually is. Thanks guys. I think it's like someone else said, right now I just see her as an spectacular person, because I can't have her. Maybe it is better to just let her go. Although it is really hard.. I do feel like I should talk to her maybe one last time thought. Wish her a good life, and tell her not to lose my number. That maybe in a few months we can meet up again and see where we both stand. Do you guys think this is ok? Or should I just stick to deleting her completely?
Stoic44 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 I think the answer is clear that you want a stable GF and.she doesn't want that. As the partimg was amicable, no need to delete the number if you can regrain from contacting her. Telling her goodnye and that you hope she finds what she's looking for is fine. End on a positive as this wasn't a case of maltreatment, just people wanting different.things. And go in peace with your head held high.
cavalier99 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 A little harsh, but the truth usually is. Thanks guys. I think it's like someone else said, right now I just see her as an spectacular person, because I can't have her. Maybe it is better to just let her go. Although it is really hard.. I do feel like I should talk to her maybe one last time thought. Wish her a good life, and tell her not to lose my number. That maybe in a few months we can meet up again and see where we both stand. Do you guys think this is ok? Or should I just stick to deleting her completely? This depends. I mean how do you feel? Most of us here were dumped out of long term relationships and it hurts like hell. My ex and i were together 8 years. I cant break NC or even get a nice email from her without it being a major setback to my healing. So if this is hurting you. Just stay strict NC. Nothing more needs to be said. She knows how you feel and she is perfectly fine with or without your communication. You need to worry about you.
Author LduKaZ Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 I think the answer is clear that you want a stable GF and.she doesn't want that. As the partimg was amicable, no need to delete the number if you can regrain from contacting her. Telling her goodnye and that you hope she finds what she's looking for is fine. End on a positive as this wasn't a case of maltreatment, just people wanting different.things. And go in peace with your head held high. I might do that. I can't believe I almost crumbled before... Stupid roller-coaster! Here I am giving advise to others and sometimes I can't even keep myself together lol You are right! I do want a stable GF and shouldn't settle for breadcrumbs. I'm a pretty awesome dude, another one will come right? I even got some girls on POF texting me at the moment. Non of them are as good looking as my ex, but it does help the ego I guess. This depends. I mean how do you feel? Most of us here were dumped out of long term relationships and it hurts like hell. My ex and i were together 8 years. I cant break NC or even get a nice email from her without it being a major setback to my healing. So if this is hurting you. Just stay strict NC. Nothing more needs to be said. She knows how you feel and she is perfectly fine with or without your communication. You need to worry about you. True, and I've been there too man. My last break up was really hell, I almost threw my carreer down the drain, had violent thoughts, etc. All for a girl that at this point in life I don't even think fitted my life. Sometimes I just like to believe that maybe this time, just this time, the girl will fall in love seeing how emotional and romantic one can be after a break up, seeing how much we need them. But this never ever happens does it?
cavalier99 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Sometimes I just like to believe that maybe this time, just this time, the girl will fall in love seeing how emotional and romantic one can be after a break up, seeing how much we need them. But this never ever happens does it? I guess we all like to think are situations are unique ecetera. But at the end of the day when the relationship ends it seems that NC seems to be the common denominator that is best for all of us to use to get over it and move onto the next.
Stoic44 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 I guess we all like to think are situations are unique ecetera. But at the end of the day when the relationship ends it seems that NC seems to be the common denominator that is best for all of us to use to get over it and move onto the next. Right, NC is not about getting her back but you moving on. It's kind of immaterial in this case. I think bc the parting was amicable, there's no harm in replying to her text w. a final msg. saying good luck or whatever. It's not like ignoring her text will bring her back. What you don't want to do is be her eternal friend and keep texting her every week or putting yourself in the position of the unrequited.lover. One reply text won't hurt but you need to move on.
Author LduKaZ Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 Right, NC is not about getting her back but you moving on. This is the hardest thing I've read all day. You are right, and yet it sucks so much. The only reason I'm doing NC, is so that maybe she can realize that she did want me. She is the kind of girl that changes her mind every minute. But she never changed her mind about me until now. I am not doing NC for myself, deep inside I'm doing it because I want to get her back. I'm just not ready to move on yet, and I feel like there's nothing I can do. Sometimes I feel strong, and I want to do stuff. But then I become a couch potato again. And I just lay here, feeling sorry for myself and thinking about her. I've always had deep motivation issues, and BU usually drain me completely. I don't know if this is a medical condition, or if I'm just lazy and unmotivated by nature. I know they say you have to love yourself first to make someone love you, but I am a complete different person when I'm single. When I have a girlfriend I love my job, love going out with my friends, I even love spending time alone! It's like I want to be a great person to show the world why I deserve this beautiful woman!... But when I'm single, I'm just a miserable cunt, I hate everything I do. And I don't know how to work this issue about me.
Stoic44 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 I'm in the same boat sometimes. I'm secretly hoping my ex has regrets, since I did nothing wrong except try to hold on. I would think about it like this: What do you want for yourself out of life? What are your dreams, hopes? Work on those. A new girl will come around; you don't appear to be a horrendous looking dude. She might be smarter and more stable, too. Maybe she'll give as much to the relationship as you. Spend time with friends; work on your own stuff. You're young w. a future ahead of you.
Author LduKaZ Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 You know what, come to think about it, I was happy with the way things were. Sure I had my moments where I wished she could stay longer, or would've loved to be introduced to her family and such. But it's not like I was mad not to. It's not like she ever said she wanted to see other people. Maybe I should've told her she didn't need to feel scared, maybe I should've told her to just let things be and run their curse slowly. I was motivated to do stuff, and come back to a text from her. Seeing her once or twice a week was enough for me to be happy even when I was alone. Now I'm miserable, no communication, no motivation, no nothing. She was sad that she couldn't be there for me, and I decided to told her to **** off then. Maybe I'm the one who was wrong, and now she's found closure as if she was right all along... Perhaps I was wrong.
NoMoreJerks Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 You know what, come to think about it, I was happy with the way things were. Sure I had my moments where I wished she could stay longer, or would've loved to be introduced to her family and such. But it's not like I was mad not to. It's not like she ever said she wanted to see other people. Maybe I should've told her she didn't need to feel scared, maybe I should've told her to just let things be and run their curse slowly. I was motivated to do stuff, and come back to a text from her. Seeing her once or twice a week was enough for me to be happy even when I was alone. Now I'm miserable, no communication, no motivation, no nothing. She was sad that she couldn't be there for me, and I decided to told her to **** off then. Maybe I'm the one who was wrong, and now she's found closure as if she was right all along... Perhaps I was wrong. That mentality = you settling for something less than what you want. You know that's not what would've made you happy. You are just questioning it now, because of how things turned out. If it had sounded "right" to you, you would've accepted it back then.. you wanted a relationship, and she wanted a FWB situation. Now it might seem "tempting" because you are left with nothing, but IMO you should not settle for anything less than what you really want. You should look inwards and figure out what you want, and if you TRULY want a FWB situation, then go ahead and do it, but I suspect that you just want to do it because it's better than not having anything, and that is a recipe for heartache down the line, because you will ALWAYS entertain that hope , or that fantasy, that you are still together, or that she is going to get over her commitment phobia /emotional unavailability. 1
Stoic44 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Well what do you really want--a text message twice a week from a no-strings-attached girl, maybe sex every so often, or a girl who will come over and make you food when you're sick? If she was truly crazy about you, she would have come over or made a counter-offer for another time. She left your place in tears because she saw you were a great guy but couldn't give you what you wanted and knew it would end in someone being hurt. So don't beat yourself up over it. And don't worry about being unproductive, that's normal. You'll get back on track. What did you do before you had her? Wallow on the couch all day wanting a girl? How did you meet her? You were up and about I bet. You'll get back to that.
NoMoreJerks Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 She is gaslighting you. Do not let her attempts at manipulating you and making you feel bad/guilty, think that it was your fault. It wasn't your fault: you wanted your needs satisfied. You were being true to yourself. She did not have the same needs, and did not want to try and satisfy yours -- she is far too selfish, and does not care about you enough to get over her insecurity/emotional unavailability or whatever it is that this is about (I suspect it's about wanting to play the field).
Author LduKaZ Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 A new girl will come around; you don't appear to be a horrendous looking dude. She might be smarter and more stable, too. Maybe she'll give as much to the relationship as you. Spend time with friends; work on your own stuff. You're young w. a future ahead of you. Haha, thanks dude. That is part of why I'm worried now too though. Sure I can go there and find a girl soon, I know they are out there. And please don't think I'm superficial, but I need to feel attracted to a girl to give her a chance, otherwise I won't even be able to get it up (it's happened before lol). My now-ex was a perfect 10 physically. I am def not a 10 and everyone was in disbelieve when I started dating her... How do you go from a super beautiful girl, to something else. How do you bring yourself to the point of desire when you know you had perfection in your hands? God damn it I'm a douche lol.
Author LduKaZ Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 Well what do you really want--a text message twice a week from a no-strings-attached girl, maybe sex every so often, or a girl who will come over and make you food when you're sick? She did text me everyday. During the time we were together, I can count the days we didn't text with the fingers of my right hand. She was usually there in a certain degree, but she would freak out when I asked her to be there in person... Like she just didn't want to be bound to what I told her (or ask) to do.
Author LduKaZ Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 She is gaslighting you. Do not let her attempts at manipulating you and making you feel bad/guilty, think that it was your fault. It wasn't your fault: you wanted your needs satisfied. You were being true to yourself. She did not have the same needs, and did not want to try and satisfy yours -- she is far too selfish, and does not care about you enough to get over her insecurity/emotional unavailability or whatever it is that this is about (I suspect it's about wanting to play the field). What do you mean play the field? Sorry, I've never heard that expression. And yes. Eventually I wanted something more, but for the time being, I was happy. A previous girlfriend accused me of being too needy, and I feel like I was. She cheated on me. Ever since then, I've become less and less needy in my relationships, to the point where I tried to not even care anymore. If my girlfriend didn't want to show up for a week, it was her problem and loss. My feelings about her wouldn't change... I think I might be carrying baggage from that previous relationships, maybe self esteem issues?
Stoic44 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 You're laying down a hard road for yourself if you're trying to possess a 10. You should be happy you've gotten the sex. My advice would be to look for 7s-9s that are more stable. Over time what they may lack in perfect physique they will make up for in stability and intelligence--and that will up your attraction to them.
Stoic44 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Surely there must be something else in life you want other than to get a perfect-10 as your GF. Find out what those things are, and you will find the girl to match it. Otherwise you're going to spend a lifetime chasing that perfect piece of tail, and the end of that road is you being 50 and grabbing girls asses in dive bars.
Author LduKaZ Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 (edited) You're laying down a hard road for yourself if you're trying to possess a 10. You should be happy you've gotten the sex. My advice would be to look for 7s-9s that are more stable. Over time what they may lack in perfect physique they will make up for in stability and intelligence--and that will up your attraction to them. It's not like I meant to. It just happened. To this day I still don't know why she found me so appealing to her.. I mean after you get to know me sure, but she said she had a crush on me from the moment she first saw me. After my last breakup, my ex was an 8 I'd say, I didn't have sex for almost 8 months. I'm just very picky and I wouldn't settle for something less. But I started to feel so lonely I started seeing this girl I'd say was a 6. When we tried to have sex for the first time, I couldn't even keep it up. Something about her body I just wasn't attracted to I guess... I was so embarrassed needless to say I had to end it the next day. I didn't ask to be stuck in this hole, it just happened I guess. By the way, I just want to take this phrase to thank you Stoic, and everyone else who has posted on this link. I know I'm not an easy one to handle but I do truly appreciate it. All my family lives thousand of miles away so I barely can talk to them. And sometimes I feel like my buddies are not very good listeners. You guys have been truly amazing. Edited January 16, 2013 by LduKaZ
NoMoreJerks Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 What do you mean play the field? Sorry, I've never heard that expression. And yes. Eventually I wanted something more, but for the time being, I was happy. A previous girlfriend accused me of being too needy, and I feel like I was. She cheated on me. Ever since then, I've become less and less needy in my relationships, to the point where I tried to not even care anymore. If my girlfriend didn't want to show up for a week, it was her problem and loss. My feelings about her wouldn't change... I think I might be carrying baggage from that previous relationships, maybe self esteem issues? It sounds like she wanted to keep her options open . She didn't want to be tied down to 1 guy when she could be flirting/ banging other men. She must feel like she's too young to not be enjoying herself to the "fullest". Grass is greener syndrome, etc. She doesn't sound like a girl with whom anyone who wants a relationship would want to stay ... You are managing down your expectations to the point that you are settling for whatever it is your "gf" (b y the sounds of it, she was not our gf, she was a FWB) wants, just because you are afraid of losing her. That's unhealthy. Wanting a relationship, and things that are normal in relationships, is not "needy." People accuse their partners of being needy because they are manipulative and emotionally unavailable and don't want to invest in the relationship or make an effort. They're just lazy / not very interested to begin with. You shouldn't let that bad experience cloud your judgment and let you manage down your needs, because even if you do, and manage to keep your gf by doing so, you will still not feel fulfilled in the relationship... What is unhealthy is not that you have needs. What is unhealthy is that you feel the need to abandon those needs just because your partner does not want to meet you in the middle. You're thinking it's better to not have those needs, than to not have the gf. So you are settling for someone who is not compatible with, or interested in, you to begin with. 1
Stoic44 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 It's not like I meant to. It just happened. To this day I still don't know why she found me so appealing to her.. I mean after you get to know me sure, but she said she had a crush on me from the moment she first saw me. After my last breakup, my ex was an 8 I'd say, I didn't have sex for almost 8 months. I'm just very picky and I wouldn't settle for something less. But I started to feel so lonely I started seeing this girl I'd say was a 6. When we tried to have sex for the first time, I couldn't even keep it up. Something about her body I just wasn't attracted to I guess... I was so embarrassed needless to say I had to end it the next day. I didn't ask to be stuck in this hole, it just happened I guess. By the way, I just want to take this phrase to thank you Stoic, and everyone else who has posted on this link. I know I'm not an easy one to handle but I do truly appreciate it. All my family lives thousand of miles away so I barely can talk to them. And sometimes I feel like my buddies are not very good listeners. You guys have been truly amazing. I've had those moments, the next morning, where it is like: Meh. LOL!
Author LduKaZ Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 It sounds like she wanted to keep her options open . She didn't want to be tied down to 1 guy when she could be flirting/ banging other men. She must feel like she's too young to not be enjoying herself to the "fullest". Grass is greener syndrome, etc. She doesn't sound like a girl with whom anyone who wants a relationship would want to stay ... You are managing down your expectations to the point that you are settling for whatever it is your "gf" (b y the sounds of it, she was not our gf, she was a FWB) wants, just because you are afraid of losing her. That's unhealthy. Wanting a relationship, and things that are normal in relationships, is not "needy." People accuse their partners of being needy because they are manipulative and emotionally unavailable and don't want to invest in the relationship or make an effort. They're just lazy / not very interested to begin with. You shouldn't let that bad experience cloud your judgment and let you manage down your needs, because even if you do, and manage to keep your gf by doing so, you will still not feel fulfilled in the relationship... What is unhealthy is not that you have needs. What is unhealthy is that you feel the need to abandon those needs just because your partner does not want to meet you in the middle. You're thinking it's better to not have those needs, than to not have the gf. So you are settling for someone who is not compatible with, or interested in, you to begin with. Yeah, you are right. I guess what I must think it's the fact that even if I thought I was happy like that, and she was happy like that, when we finally put it to the test she was actually ok to just throw it all away without hesitating. She did cry, but like she said it was probably cuz I said the L word and she probably realized how much it was really hurting althoguh till that point I had kept my cool and my smile. I've had those moments, the next morning, where it is like: Meh. LOL! Haha, yup, it sucks. Probably the only thing that I've never been truthful about when breaking up with a girl.. No way I'm saying "sorry but after I saw you naked it was just :confused:". I hope no one ever says that to me either lol.
Stoic44 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Yeah. I just say, "Sorry, not looking for a commitment"--which is the most honest thing I can say. My work, after all, is not-so-busy these days so "been really busy" would be a lie
Author LduKaZ Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 Same here man. I'm actually laid off until all the snow goes away, and I just graduated from college before the holidays. So I literally have nothing to do. Another reason why this BU might seem harder than it is, I can't even keep busy if I wanted to!
Stoic44 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 If you just graduated college, there's a lifetime of tail awaiting you. Go get it! 1
Author LduKaZ Posted January 28, 2013 Author Posted January 28, 2013 I don't know if anyone who read my story is still around, but I got an update. It was NC day 13, and as far as I knew I was starting to get much better. I was out clubbing with some friends, and I had been exchanging eye contact with this pretty girl most of the night. Finally when I had the balls to walk over and ask her to dance, my ex texts me! 1AM in the mornig. Her: Luka, I really miss you. I want to talk. Me: Jamie, here's the deal. I really like you, but Im in no rush. If you really miss me, then figure your **** out and lets try to make this work. If you have anything else to say, I dont care, so please don't text me ever again. Her: I won't give up on you if you tell me you need me Luka. Her: Ok. I need you Luka. Im 4 blocks away, I will run to you. Her: If you dont want me to, I wont bother you ever again. I promise. So I ended up meeting with her. She was was drunk, and so was I. She told me she thinks about me everyday, and this is killing her. She wants to be with me but she doesnt know how to be my gurlfriend. She hates her own life and doesnt want me to see it. But she wants to be with me, and asks me to please stick with her cuz she cares about me more than anything in the world. We made out, I gave in. I told her she knows how I feel and I wanna be there for her, through goods and bads. I make her promise this wasnt just a drunk thing. She promises, gets a cab and goes to work. (We stayed up all night just talking on the couch and kissing). Today, I didnt hear a single word from her. What do you guys think?? Im very confused and vulnerable at the moment..
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