NC Day 1 - She just texted me! :(

January 15, 2013

Luka.. I just wanted to tell you a couple things since I was lost for words yesterday and didn't even fully know how things were going to turn out.. You don't even have to respond to this... After you said that you Love me, it broke my heart that we were parting . I feel so lucky for you to give yourself to me like that. You are absolutely a one of a kind gem. I'm sorry that I can't be anything you deserve. I want to SO bad. I'm sorry I'm so afraid. I don't want anything to hold you back right now. I want you to be SO happy! You have so much to offer and accomplish and you are so smart. I am thankful I've known you. And it was beautiful and fun and so many things. Thank you for letting me in your life, thank you for what you've taught me and the fun times and things we shared. I hope our paths will cross again someday.. I will always hold you close to my heart Luka <3

This just came in, and it broke my heart. I knew she was going to text me eventually, I just didn't think she would be so positive and nice so soon. It hurts me even more that she is just so scared to be with me.

What do you guys think? Do I have any chance of changing her mind? Do you think she has moved on in one day, really?

I can't read her at all... And everytime I am more positive that I am in love with this girl.

January 15, 2013

What was her reason for breaking up with you? None of us can read her, and you know her better than we do. What that sounds like to me is a good bye and also a little selfish on her part. That message was to make her feel good, not make you feel better. If she honestly expected you to read that and feel good, then she's crazy. She's telling you that she does still care about you even if she doesn't want to be with you. I'd imagine that's tough to swallow. I'm not sure there's anything you can do but accept it at this point. If she changes her mind, she'll let you know.

Damn. Just looking at it hurts, I'm sorry bro.

January 15, 2013

This just came in, and it broke my heart. I knew she was going to text me eventually, I just didn't think she would be so positive and nice so soon. It hurts me even more that she is just so scared to be with me.

What do you guys think? Do I have any chance of changing her mind? Do you think she has moved on in one day, really?

I can't read her at all... And everytime I am more positive that I am in love with this girl.

I got one just as nice the same day after I left her house for the final time

after BU sex. All it means is it is OVER. Sorry. Don't send her a nice one back if you haven't already. I regret it. Only send.

PLEASE NEVER CONTACT ME AGAIN. GOOD BYE.

Not kidding. This is the time to do it.

Good luck with NC and sorry for the BU. They suck.

Stick to NC LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT. This is the worst time. It will be a lot better in a few weeks if you stay NC.

January 15, 2013

^^ I second the motion. ^^

Edit to add:

Please delete that text.

Seriously.

Otherwise you'll never stop reading it.

And it will just rip your heart to pieces, every single goddamn time......

January 15, 2013

^^ I second the motion. ^^

Edit to add:

Please delete that text.
Seriously.
Otherwise you'll never stop reading it.

And it will just rip your heart to pieces, every single goddamn time......

I agree you need to delete it. I deleted mine as well as 8 years of loving communication.

Also block her and read the link in TaraMaiden's signature. It is survival time. Sorry again. Cry and mourn as much as possible these few weeks and get it all out. It helps.

January 15, 2013

Yeah, it was mostly to make her feel better i am sure of it. Saying something nice and to make her seem like a good person.

I didn't delete my break up email but I deleted 6 months worth of texts that I'd kept. Gone.

January 15, 2013

I agree you need to delete it. I deleted mine as well as 8 years of loving communication.

Also block her and read the link in TaraMaiden's signature. It is survival time. Sorry again. Cry and mourn as much as possible these few weeks and get it all out. It helps.

Right, I read it as she's trying to end on a positive/happy note and writing you off to a season in the sun in her life. Just a dude she met as SHE MOVES FORWARD WITH HAPPY FEET. Screw that.

I wouldn't reply at all. Don't boost her ego. Saying "do not contact me again" makes you come off as bitter, I think.

As for blocking her, depends on if you're holding out hope for that ego-boosting "I miss you" text one day.

January 15, 2013

Yes I agree not to reply.

January 16, 2013

Yes I agree not to reply.

Im 50 50 on this. No response is fine. But a final text does make it clear you want no breadcrumbs and is sorta an affirmation for you that it is over forever. Doesnt matter what they think. When i sent the don't contact me text it was for me not her.

Cant really go wrong either way.

January 16, 2013

What was her reason for breaking up with you? None of us can read her, and you know her better than we do. What that sounds like to me is a good bye and also a little selfish on her part. That message was to make her feel good, not make you feel better. If she honestly expected you to read that and feel good, then she's crazy. She's telling you that she does still care about you even if she doesn't want to be with you. I'd imagine that's tough to swallow. I'm not sure there's anything you can do but accept it at this point. If she changes her mind, she'll let you know.

Damn. Just looking at it hurts, I'm sorry bro.

Thank you all guys, you guys are truly my strenght in this difficult hours. I wish I had come here during my last break up. Because I went through hell, and even required professional counselling to get over my anxiety.

Well, the thing is I broke up with her. But I think she was going to break up with me anyways...

She had been distant for a while. Confused about her life, she dropped out of school last year and works at a grocery store and hates it, so she said she needed time to figure out her life, and that she felt so bad she couldn't be the girlfriend I needed. She said she hated being with me because it was "too dreamy" and went she went back home everyday she literally cried herself to sleep for no reason. But she said she would never break up with me and that she was scared of losing me.

So I tried to give her some space. I didn't see her for over a week.. Although I did ask her if she wanted to go out or come over a few times, but she couldn't (she has to share her mom's truck because her car doesn't have winter tires, so she has to ask for permission everytime). Finally, she agreed to see me yesterday, but she said we needed to talk about some things. She said it was the same things she had been telling me for over 3 weeks now.

So she came, and started telling me how she didn't wanna lose me, but she just couldn't be a girlfriend to me. She said she didn't understand why she felt like she should introduce me to her family by this point but she's just too scared. She said she wanted to be with me, and party with me, and spend time with me, but she didn't want to get involved as a girlfriend because she was too afraid and she didn't know of what...

So I told her if she wasn't sure that she wanted me, (to which she said no), it was over. She asked what if she wanted to talk to me.. I told her not to unless she wanted to be with me. I told her I loved her for the first time just before she left my house and she walked to her car covered in tears.

Now she sent me this...

I don't want to lose her. I was just trying to be a man you know, do the NC thing and hope she comes back. I really want to help her be happy, she's such a wonderful girl, but so confused... I dont know what to do.

Edited January 16, 2013 by LduKaZ

January 16, 2013

Sounds like she was really into you, man, but just couldn't commit. That makes it somewhat different. She was afraid of committing to you and so you broke it off. I might be tempted to write, "I hope you find what you're looking for. Best wishes."

January 16, 2013

Does anyone think she just found a new guy? I asked her, told her I wouldnt be mad and understand, and she looked me in the eye and said NO! There is no one else in the world I'd rather be with than you..

But I do have trust issues as I've been cheated on in the past. And I met this girl while she was still with her ex, she dumped him to be with me.

January 16, 2013

She may or may not have. But she says she can't commit to you, so...just tell her you hope she finds what she's looking for. You put yourself out there, for some reason she couldn't commit, so there's not much you can do except wish her well on her quest.

If she comes back after a period of searching and introspection, she might be a keeper.

January 16, 2013

Thanks Stoic! I like your posts man, you're a smart dude.. It's sad that good guys like us always seem to end up with crazies. I don't know what the hell I did to the world to have such bad luck with women!

As per usual, it's always easier to tell other people what to do, than to do them yourself! I think I'm going to wait before I reply (if i do at all)... I don't know for how long.

Any other thoughts on this? Am I looking at a lost cause here?

January 16, 2013

There's something she's not telling you, which is why she "can't be" your girlfriend. Maybe you're pressuring her too much and she has other things to deal with. Maybe she senses you two are too different, with different backgrounds.

It seems like she was really into you but has some kind of block.

I don't know what to say. You could try to find out what that block is--maybe give it a day or two and call. Be gentle. I don't think it's another guy; I think it may have something to do with her life situation/history and kind of ways of thinking about the two of you. It sounds like she was getting close and got scared. Maybe someone hurt her in the past. Maybe she sees it won't end well between the two of you for life-situation/background reasons and so is cutting losses. I would call her in a day or two and talk and see if you can get to the bottom of it--you know, not a cross examination but just kind of being gentle in a "can we talk" kind of way.

January 16, 2013

There's something she's not telling you, which is why she "can't be" your girlfriend. Maybe you're pressuring her too much and she has other things to deal with. Maybe she senses you two are too different, with different backgrounds.

It seems like she was really into you but has some kind of block.

I don't know what to say. You could try to find out what that block is--maybe give it a day or two and call. Be gentle. I don't think it's another guy; I think it may have something to do with her life situation/history and kind of ways of thinking about the two of you. It sounds like she was getting close and got scared. Maybe someone hurt her in the past. Maybe she sees it won't end well between the two of you for life-situation/background reasons and so is cutting losses. I would call her in a day or two and talk and see if you can get to the bottom of it--you know, not a cross examination but just kind of being gentle in a "can we talk" kind of way.

This is exactly what I'm thinking. She was never mean to me, she was always a sweetheart. We never fought. My friends always said she was kind of stupid. And sure she wasn't "doctor smart", but she was smart in her own way to me. She loves reading, and watching documentaries. She told me she did a lot of drugs during her last years of high school, and drank a lot (she still does, she drinks but doesn't like to party), she comes from a broken home, and two of her step dads passed away when she was growing up. She definitely seems like all those things had some effects on her brain. But she is just a simple, cute girl. And now I'm feeling bad for telling her I didn't want to talk to her ever again. I'm just looking to protect myself y'know?

January 16, 2013

She's a commitment phobe and emotionally unavailable. She just wants to spend time with you ,and have fun -- just lighthearted stuff, no responsibilities, just benefits.. do you want that? After years of doing this, you still might have nothing to show for it.... because she might just leave at any point. She is just wanting a friends with benefits situation. And let's be honest, when you told her to choose between being your gf or not being with you at all (even as a friend), she chose the latter... this is her way of saying goodbye, and acting like she is the "bigger person."

January 16, 2013

It's hard. I want to help her, but I don't know how. I really care about her, but I feel helpless, and the more I care, the more it scares her it seems.

She broke up with her ex, because she was afraid of commitment. I remember she told me when they broke up, he said "but I was going to buy a house for us, I wanted you to move in". And she complained to me about this, she said I don't wanna move in with some guy and raise his children while he works out of town. I want to travel and learn, I don't even know if I want to have children!. The guy was ****ing rich by the way, so she's obviously not interested in money.

Maybe, just maybe, this time, I need to stop being selfish and offer her my friendship, and nothing but. I know this is a way of setting my self up, and it's gonna hurt a lot if she starts ****ing some other dude like my ex did...

I'm starting to doubt my NC. Am I just going insane here?

January 16, 2013

From the way described, it seems as if she doesn't know which direction her life will go and you guys have two different backgrounds and she's afraid of commitment. You, however, needed her as a GF and she felt that need and shied away.

She's saying she doesn't want to be tied down and you're trying to tie her down.

The epiphany I had was this:

If she's not seeing other people, but just doesn't want to be called a girlfriend, you could ride it out. Say, "You know, I thought about this. Why don't we spend time together with no strings attached?"

Could you deal with that? For your own safety, you should either be using condoms and accept the fact she may be banging others, or if she's on the pill, clarify that sexual activity has to be monogamous--though without her having the label of "girlfriend" with any GF "commitment" duties outside of monogamous sex.

She may eventually come around, or because her life is in turmoil and she wants to travel, she could just disappear one day.

Edited January 16, 2013 by Stoic44

January 16, 2013

And let's be honest, when you told her to choose between being your gf or not being with you at all (even as a friend), she chose the latter... this is her way of saying goodbye, and acting like she is the "bigger person."

This is very true.

But if she is a commitment phobe like you said, this was the obvious quick choice. She can't handle pressure, and she probably cracked.

I don't want to lose her, and I don't know why. She said she didn't want to lose me either, but she can't be my girlfriend. Is there any way I can help her with her commitment issues??.. Should I try and be her friend, in case one day she resolves them?

January 16, 2013

Yeah, give it a couple days and then propose: You know, I think I scared you off...but I enjoyed your company...so what would you think of hanging out, no-strings-attached?

Put a joke in there somewhere to lighten the mood so you're not coming off all hot and heavy and desperate.

You can't help a girl with commitment issues. She'll commit if she thinks you're the one and if it's the right time for her. And there's no recipe for that.

January 16, 2013

This is very true.

But if she is a commitment phobe like you said, this was the obvious quick choice. She can't handle pressure, and she probably cracked.

I don't want to lose her, and I don't know why. She said she didn't want to lose me either, but she can't be my girlfriend. Is there any way I can help her with her commitment issues??.. Should I try and be her friend, in case one day she resolves them?

No, unfortunately not. My ex was a commitment phobe and believe me, I tried. Eventually, I realized I had nearly turned into his maid, because I was giving giving giving so much, and not expecting aything in return, just because I wanted to reassure him it would be alright, if he only committed... Then he started treating me like a doormat. There just is no "fixing" someone who does not want to be fixed, does not want to love, does not want to have a relationship. Sorry, but you just gotta accept that, and move on, if you want to preserve your sanity... and no, spending time with them without any strings attached will not get them to change their mind either. You are still hoping that if you spend time with her without any strings attached, over time, she will grow attached enough to you, to want a relationship, but I'm afraid it doesn't quite work that way. If you want to avoid heartache, you need to cut her loose, and remove her from your life forever. If you let her have her cake and eat it too, you are only doing it at your own expense.

She said she didn't want to lose me either

Oh please. We all know that what you meant by "I don't want to lose you" is not what SHE meant by that.... the expression itself is very vague. Sure, she does not want to lose you as her friend with benefits. Sure, she does not want to lose you because you were her emotional crutch. Sure. But she IS willing to lose you , if you expect her to be your gf.. so, go ahead, be her emotional crutch and her friend with benefit, if that is what you want. Because that IS what you ARE, and that is what you have always been for her, in her mind. Edited January 16, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

January 16, 2013

This is a case of a young girl who doesn't know what she wants out of life and thirsts for travel/adventure/knowledge--not a stable boyfriend. Sometimes people do grow attached though, and you never know. I wouldn't enter into the no-strings attached arrangement though unless you're sure you can handle her not being "committed."

January 16, 2013

If I were you, I'd either ignore her mssg and move on, OR, move on, after sending her a text in which you tell her that she's a whore, and that she can go f*ck herself. I am serious. She's playing you like a billiard ball, and you are contemplating NSA ... just to keep her around you. Are you for f*cking real? Yeah go right ahead! Do it! See how you like being trampled on like a goddamn doormat. What part of her mssg do you not understand? She doesn't want this. She doesn't want you. She wants you as her FWB, on her own terms. Go ahead and fit yourself into her terms... but don't complain when she drops you like a hot pot, and runs to the next guy and then the next guy, and bangs other guys behind your back, only to tell you, when you find out and get upset, that hey, she is not your gf after all, and that it was NSA..

January 16, 2013

Dude this is the ideal situation if you were unattached emotionally and wanted to have fun, party with her get laid etcetera. And didn't care if she is banging other guys etcetera. I've had this type of relationship before with some fun girls and it was fine. But the second you want more you are DOOMED..REPEAT.. DOOMED

AND YOU WANT MORE.!

What is going on, if i may make an analogy, is sort of like falling in love with a stripper or a prostitute. Your going to end up totally effed up and miserable. (Not that im calling her this)

You cant go back and she wont move forward with you. End this now because you are just setting yourself up for more heartbreak. That's my take anyway.

Edited January 16, 2013 by cavalier99

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