Well that was interesting

[CountrySlicker]

Howdy-new here, and just home from meeting my MOM for the first time. Having the weirdest feelings.

 

Im no stranger to affairs. In my younger days and abusive first marriage, I had many. I've also been the BS. But now I'm in a stable, loving marriage and I'm over 50. I know better than to do this.

 

I'm bored. I'm also really fat and not very pretty. Obviously self esteem is my issue. So I set up a profile on a dating site--a very honest one, including my phsyical stuff and the fact that I am married. Mostly I just "window shopped". It was a harmless fantasy, just looking at those other people my relative age who were looking.

 

Then one of them contacted me. He is married too, and we live about half an hour apart. We have nothing in common. But we both like and want that extra attention. We enjoy the emails and texts and the occasional phone call. Those things have been going on for about a month.

 

So today I went to meet him. We were both a little shy, but ended up going a lot further than coffee and kissing. We didn't have intercourse (likely because my car was way too small for that LOL).

 

Now I'm home and it's that awkward time. He asked me to text him, so I texted him that I was home safe and thanked him for the coffee. He said it was his pleasure and he hoped I had fun and that he did.

 

I did have fun. I enjoyed the excitement and REALLY enjoyed the kissing and the exploring. I liked pleasing him. I liked that I could excite him.

 

But now, I'm wondering if it will happen again, and whether I even want it to. Part of me wants him to reject me so I don't have to do this cheating thing again. The other part of me desperately wants to be wanted.

 

The MOM is not very forthcoming with feelings. I didnt think that would matter. But I really REALLY want to know if he was attracted to me (do men kiss, touch, and orgasm for women they aren't attracted to?) and if so, was it worth the secrecy. Also, will we continue to stay in contact and maybe meet again soon? And why am I, a normally confident middle aged woman, suddenly feeling like a needy teenager? And do I talk to him about this? How do I do it without sounding like I'm clingy? I'd be fine with ending things right here if he wanted to. Relieved even. But having his hands in my hair and his tongue in my mouth was amazing.....

[nofool4u]

Maybe you can share this wonderful story with your loving husband?

[CountrySlicker]

Well, fool, no need to be snarky. I assume you are a BS. I get that, but why come here?

 

LFH Those are exactly the questions that brought me here. I thought perhaps you guys could help me get a handle on my motivation and my goals.

 

It isnt at all about the physical. Not sex anyway. Do love the kissing though. I definitely don't get enough of that. Hubby came home from work, changed his clothes, and went out the door to a church meeting which he will rush home from in time to do a work conference call. Then tomorrow he will come in from work sometime in the evening and play computer games until 10 which is when we watch an hour of tv before bed. Repeat on Thursday, and on Friday he will come home and take our son and his friends to McDonalds...like he does every friday. Afterward, if they go to someones house for the night, there will be about 6 minutes of sex and he will sleep. Saturday he will either work or take our son out for the day--swimming, movies, something fun. Sunday he will go to church, coach a soccer game, and come home and watch football. It's the same every week.

[ThatJustHappened]

If you're bored, why are you staying with him? Why cheat? Why not leave instead?

[CountrySlicker]

I love this place. You guys are awesome. Please keep the challenging questions coming. They are helping.

 

I have had LOTS of IC, and we have had MC. Bottom line is that hubby isn't the least unhappy. Why should he be? He has a son, a cook, a housekeeper and a whore. I can't seem to make him understand that that is how I feel in this relationship-like the staff of his mansion all rolled into one. He thinks that as long as he keeps our 10pm appoint for tv (this was the MC suggestion) and takes me to dinner once in awhile, he's doing what he needs to do.

 

And he truly is happy. I feel guilty about not being happy that he is happy--that it isn't enough for me. If I voice my displeasure, it will make him unhappy. And I don't know what happens when he is unhappy as I have never seen him that way (we've been together 13 years).

 

When we married, I gave up a LOT. I moved to a different country. I stopped working. I left one of my teenage daughters with her dad (her choice). I got pregnant at 38--even after having my tubes tied-so now instead of some freedom I am still raising children. I have to ask for/account for every penny I spend while he buys whatever he wants. I accept this because he brings home the paycheck. Mostly, anyway.

 

Until I met MOM today, I honestly thought I was ok. I thought I was confident--my "career" involves book signings and lecturing, speaking at conferences, and occasionally being on TV. It's pretty fulfilling and even though there are a few people who like to trash talk about me or even to me, it's part of the package. I hold up to that well. I smile and speak with knowledge and assurance.

 

I think the A started as a game. Sort of like "Gee I wonder if I've still got what it takes". I spend many hours alone and the texts and stuff were such a joyous distraction. Then today, in his arms and with his kisses and responsiveness, it felt glorious. He's not someone I would want to be involved with long term. Frankly put, he's a bit of an ass and far less educated than I am. But when he remembered what I drink in my coffee and kissed me with his hands in my hair....how the heck do you not feel awesome?

 

This is going to be awful, no matter what.

[ThatJustHappened]

Well, you have a point. Your H is not doing enough to make you happy.

 

However, six minutes of sex in the 50s is not necessarily awful. It would be worse if you had no sex at all.

 

It seems your H knows how to be happy on his own. That is not necessaily a bad thing.

 

Uh oh..is that what I have to look forward to when I'm in my 50s???

[CountrySlicker]

If you're bored, why are you staying with him? Why cheat? Why not leave instead?

There are lots of reasons, but none of them are excuses.

 

I would be failing AGAIN.

I would have to move out of the country-I can't support myself here. And that would mean leaving two of my three children behind.

I am still recovering from a MVA in 2007 and need the drugs and therapies. I can't get them if I leave.

Mostly, I hope this is a menopausal phase....

[CountrySlicker]

Uh oh..is that what I have to look forward to when I'm in my 50s???

 

Pretty much. Nature is a bitch. Men hit their sexual peak in their late teens and early 20's. Women near or after 40. Although MOM is almost 50 and he doesn't seem to have any issue LOL

[ThatJustHappened]

There are lots of reasons, but none of them are excuses.

 

I would be failing AGAIN.

I would have to move out of the country-I can't support myself here. And that would mean leaving two of my three children behind.

I am still recovering from a MVA in 2007 and need the drugs and therapies. I can't get them if I leave.

Mostly, I hope this is a menopausal phase....

 

Why can't you tell your husband that you're unhappy and that he needs to step it up?

[CountrySlicker]

Why can't you tell your husband that you're unhappy and that he needs to step it up?

 

I have. And the MC has. And my family and friends have. The problem is there is no consequence. He has nothing to lose by not stepping up unless I leave him.

[ThatJustHappened]

I have. And the MC has. And my family and friends have. The problem is there is no consequence. He has nothing to lose by not stepping up unless I leave him.

 

Ask for an open marriage?

[ThatJustHappened]

Oh, PLease. I bet MOM only spends a minute doing his wife at home. Don't be naive. He likely uses his sexual energies on all the OWs he picks up online. You are a bit naive for your age.

 

Pierre..are you available for individual relationship counseling sessions?

[CountrySlicker]

Oh, PLease. I bet MOM only spends a minute doing his wife at home. Don't be naive. He likely uses his sexual energies on all the OWs he picks up online.

That's probably true. And the biggest reason we havent had intercourse.

 

And you're right, many women would be thrilled to have an H like mine. He's a good man. He's just not good for me--or rather, Im not good for him.

 

But by the same token, shouldn't he at least CARE that I'm not happy? Im not saying that as an excuse for an A. Just as a side note.

 

I think I may have to go back to IC. This is a new side of me I haven't seen before so I havent dealt with it.

[BrokenPrincess]

I think I may have to go back to IC. This is a new side of me I haven't seen before so I havent dealt with it.

 

What is the new side of you? Different than how you acted or felt in previous As?

[jwi71]

When we married, I gave up a LOT. I moved to a different country. I stopped working. I left one of my teenage daughters with her dad (her choice). I got pregnant at 38--even after having my tubes tied-so now instead of some freedom I am still raising children. I have to ask for/account for every penny I spend while he buys whatever he wants. I accept this because he brings home the paycheck. Mostly, anyway.

 

So what are the consequences for you if you get busted?

Have you ceded all your power to your H or are the ways for you to become self-sufficient - or even leave if bad enough? The fear is, if you are this dependent on him and you get busted - how bad does it get and what possible recourse may you have?

 

I'm not sure the A is a terribly good solution to IMPROVING things in your life.

 

A's tend to, in many cases, deliver the exact opposite.

 

This is going to be awful, no matter what.

 

But not awful enough to quit now and minimize the damage right?

 

Maybe I'm projecting but I tend to want to avoid bad situations/endings when I see them coming - but its your life.

[CountrySlicker]

What is the new side of you? Different than how you acted or felt in previous As?

 

During my first marriage I sought out other people because I was young, had no self esteem, and was being beaten on a regular basis. My xH would offer me to his friends. Sometimes they did horrific things to me. After years of counseling (and of course a divorce) I have risen above all that (or so I thought). This is the first time I have even CONSIDERED an A in this relationship.

 

So I guess what's new is that I am fully aware...Im connected to my feelings and I own the decisions I'm making, good or bad.

[CountrySlicker]

.

But not awful enough to quit now and minimize the damage right?

.

I think that's what I am trying so desperately to talk myself into--nipping this in the bud before it goes even a bit further.

 

But even that is awful because this afternoon really did feel wonderful and it makes me sad to think I would never have that again.

[jwi71]

I think that's what I am trying so desperately to talk myself into--nipping this in the bud before it goes even a bit further.

 

But even that is awful because this afternoon really did feel wonderful and it makes me sad to think I would never have that again.

 

I would listen to that contrarian voice in your head. As annoying as it is- how often is it wrong?

 

So...maybe we work to get that back with your H. And if all previous measures have failed...lets try a new one.

 

Maybe telling him straight up you need more romance - not TV at 10 or a quickie once a week or the blase flowers - ROMANCE.

 

How absurd would it be to take a walk together?

[CountrySlicker]

 

How absurd would it be to take a walk together?

LOL Aside from being winter in Canada you mean?

 

I get what you are saying though. We need to find some quiet alone time (maybe a drive to a make out spot or something) and have a real talk. I need to tell him (without divulging things that would be irreparable and hurtful) that things need to change and ask for his input on what changes we could make. I need to tell him I'm feeling neglected, unappreciated, and tempted to seek comfort outside of our marriage. At this point, I don't think it would be helpful to disclose what has already happened. And certainly no more clandestine meetings at least until that talk has been had. I think I will encourage MOM to do the same with his W.

 

Who knows, maybe something good can come of this before it gets really bad.

[ThatJustHappened]

I am flattered that you ask. But, that is not what I do.

 

I simply found this site and I try to give my input. But, I am very blunt and sometimes say the wrong things.

 

I think reading these forums may help some people, but at the same time I find that others will never change.

 

And BTW, none of us is normal. There is no such thing as a normal person. All of us have plenty of issues and defects. The idea is to try to control those defects.

 

Oh I know. I was paying you a compliment because I think you're very insightful.

[Got it]

That's probably true. And the biggest reason we havent had intercourse.

 

And you're right, many women would be thrilled to have an H like mine. He's a good man. He's just not good for me--or rather, Im not good for him.

 

But by the same token, shouldn't he at least CARE that I'm not happy? Im not saying that as an excuse for an A. Just as a side note.

 

I think I may have to go back to IC. This is a new side of me I haven't seen before so I havent dealt with it.

 

Country, while I was in my early 30s when I found myself in a similar situation, I realized that my exhusband and I were at two opposite ends of the spectrum. When we moved and were doing something that made me so completely happy and just "me" it brought him unbelievable stress and anxiety, and had OCD tendencies start to be exhibited. I ended my business venture and we moved because of this but it was a lightbulb moment for me to realize that what brought me the most happiness did not do the same for him. I was sad for us on that.

 

We too had a major disconnect on sex but I have to own that piece as it was like that from the time we were teenagers. You got six minutes, I'm jealous.

 

But ultimately what I realized is a square peg round hold. He wasn't wrong, he shouldn't change, and vice versa. We just didn't fit.

 

You too sound similar. You made some decisions that seemed to have overextended yourself and you seem to show some resentment with. You need to look at what you can do to fix them.

 

My recommendation, lay things out for him, lay out your needs and wants and expectations and tell him that if he isn't willing to meet you half way, then you will assume that he is fine with a quiet but open marriage.

 

But ultimately you need to figure out how you can divorce.

[Spark1111]

I think you were in an horrific marriage, got some strength, some counseling, got the hell out, and then settled for a mediocre marriage which must have seem sane for many, many years.

 

But it is no longer enough as you seem to get no romantic attention from your spouse and maybe you have just realized it at the hands of a stranger who found you attractive to be sexual with you.

 

Your choices are to clearly tell your H what you need from him and the relationship to feel fulfilled.

 

start doing less for the house and the children and start doing more for you; classes, exercise, day trips....just do it for you and less for them.

 

please return to IC. I think you did hard work but you have more to do!

 

You've hit a mid-life crisis where you wake up and ask, is this all there is? nd the answer is no!

 

Your OM is a symptom and an epiphany of what is lacking in your life, but he is not the cure.

 

please try to make your H and marriage more exciting. if you cannot, please divorce. infidelity is a form of abuse too.

 

fix or leave, the search for new. In the meantime, you need IC to learn while you settled for not abusive, but hugely neglectful and yet again, not enough.

[Got it]

This is good advice, but the elephant in the room was not mentioned. OP has a voracious need for external validation and no man is good enough to keep her happy. She needs to work on her HUGE need for validation.

 

Furthermore, she should not divorce a man that she has described as a very good man. Her OM is way below the league of her H. No need to go there particularly when she is now entering her 50s. There are simply no good men left in that age group, they are all taken.

 

Please read the initial post of OP. It is all about being a black hole for attention and validation.

 

Yeah I don't jump to your external validation reasons as much as you like to. Sure that can be a piece but it isn't always a factor outside of that one time period at times.

 

I think, if she focuses on these other areas, if she makes decisions that are standing up to her needs, wants, expectations, if she puts boundaries down that are true to her, it is amazing how self gratifying that is. And then IF there is a drive for external validation, it becomes much less so because you are giving yourself internal validation. You are standing up for yourself. Women don't always/tend to look towards other just to hear about physical appearance. The base of it is looking for worth. You are wanting to be assessed as worthy.

 

So you start making decisions and you lay down boundaries (that you hold firm to) that validates your worth. Because if you do not find yourself worthy, most won't either.

 

I think the OP has a lot to work through from her previous relationship. I really don't think the affair is more than a symptom of a greater issue. I think working on what is best for her, working on standing up for herself, all of that will go farther than just focusing on the affair. The affair, it seems in this case, is really just a symptom.

[nofool4u]

Well, fool, no need to be snarky. I assume you are a BS. I get that, but why come here?

 

 

Why do you come here with no clear reason but to tell a story about how you love pleasuring another man? Really, what are you hoping to gain? Or are you just wanting to tell a story of how a good loving man is being betrayed by a woman who simply wants to tell everyone how much she enjoys f****g him over?

 

And no, I haven't been a BS in over 6 years.

[wisernow]

That's probably true. And the biggest reason we havent had intercourse.

 

And you're right, many women would be thrilled to have an H like mine. He's a good man. He's just not good for me--or rather, Im not good for him.

 

But by the same token, shouldn't he at least CARE that I'm not happy? Im not saying that as an excuse for an A. Just as a side note.

 

I think I may have to go back to IC. This is a new side of me I haven't seen before so I havent dealt with it.

 

I thought you said the reason was because you were too big and the car was too small. :rolleyes::sick: