Back together success story........so far.....

[na49]

I'd love to hear how this story ends. So are you guys back together now?

[Stoic44]

I think given enough time all relationships start to get messy. Our BU was due to miscommunication. If I could go back in time 9 weeks ago, mine wouldn't be as messy.

 

For me it comes down to love. Plain in simple. Can you love the person even when it gets messy. Love will make you put up with a lot. I have been in easy relationships that I wasn't insane in love and I have been really messy relationships that were very intense with passion and love. I'll take messy, loving and passionate any day of the week. Just me. I love my ex like crazy. I have never known a woman I wanted more. I hope we can make it there after 8 weeks apart and us dating new people.

 

Play with fire though and there's a chance you could get burned. Just saying.

 

There was some miscommunication but I also see some neediness/impatience issues on her part.

[veggirl]

I mean bottomline is this is not a happily ever after story, and it's nothing to aspire to.

 

She has a boyfriend.

She is co-dependent (so are you)

She is emotionally unstable

She has basically never been alone

 

I feel sorry for her kids.

 

eta: you guys were together for years and in 9 weeks you are both already with other people?! you both have issues....that is really not normal, at all....

[Coping Vortex]

I am here to officially say I owe an apology to everyone here on LS that tried to give me advice on this thread,that I did not listen to.

 

Read my OP first then this update will make more sense.

 

It is official she dumped me for good after 3 days of trying to get back together. When me met on Monday for lunch she cried in my arms that she missed me loved me more than anything, and wanted me back. And she did NOT love the guy she had been seeing that she only was with him because she was trying to get past me. She told me I had been her rock through her divorce etc. She kissed me hard hugged me hard and we even had amazing sex. I asked her if we can work this out can she leave the guy she is seeing, for good. She said "absolutely"!! That their relationship was bare bones she didn't see him that much and that the sex was boring.

 

When I left her that day I was full of hope it was amazing to be with her hold her kiss her. Everything felt so right. We even talked on the phone on our ride home and discussed how amazing it was to be with each other that day. That night i figured we would text each other and recap our experience tell each other how it was great to be back etc etc. But I noticed that the texting was mundane breadcrumb type stuff. "I'm watching TV" "blah blah" nothing of substance.

 

That was a red flag for me which I mentioned in a previous post. I just figured she was tired after such and emotional day. The next day was more of the same banal text chit chat. But she said one thing that made me pause. We kidded around about the sex and she said "you are my kryptonite". The first thing I thought of was that I somehow broke down a wall she was trying to keep up. Now I know I was right. I guess she never wanted to break down and get back with me at all. Someone mentioned that is was "look back" that is so true it was exactly that. All of the love declarations, all of the compliments all of the plans we were going to make all of the trashing of her new relationship was all crap.

 

This morning I was texting her about when i would see each other again and she mentioned she had a terrible day yesterday. I asked what was wrong and she said she had trouble making plans for the weekend with kids and she said she got them worked out and she said "a bunch of us are going to the mountains for the weekend" I asked if her BF was going too. No reply. I asked again. No reply. At that point I had had enough i told her we need to talk and that I was going to call her. She said she couldn't talk and said that "i just want to be friends" WTF??? Are we 10 years old??? Then I asked her what happened on Monday when she told me how much she loved me etc. She said "I am seeing someone and that's it" I asked her if she was still IN love with me like she said two days ago. I wanted her to own up to what she said or have her reveal she lied. She said "I love the memory of you" "I'm not IN love with you" Well there you go she totally lied about being in love with this new guy. I found this whole thing to be so cruel and mean. I am so crushed and hurt and the pain is so intense from those words. I figured at the very least she would have been torn between us or confused by her feelings on seeing her on Monday. But no.

 

She had to know how she felt on Monday. Its only been a few days. What a bitch!!! I have never spoken bad about her in all the years I have known her but now I am stunned that she can be such a horrible person. I know she lied to her ex husband but i was blinded thinking she was mostly honest to me. I think there has been a mixture of truth and lies in everything she said. She claims she met this new guy after we BU but I wonder if she really started seeing him before she broke up with me hence the BU. She seems like the sweetest person on earth. I fell for that sweet way about her but i think she is a wolf in sheep's clothing. She does what she wants to do for whats best for her and doesn't care who she hurts. Her ex husband and I have been severely hurt by her actions. I know she cheated on him and she lied to him that she never did during the marriage. That was a lie. In the end I have been blinded by love. I am now devastated once again. I find giving me false hope on Monday to be nothing but mean and cruel. If you felt anything on that day, then give at least a real shot. If you didn't, then why the dramatics and lies?? Maybe being with me convinced her once and for all she is love with him. She is now gone. Gone for good. It is something that can never be again. I know that now. I didn't think that before this day.

 

I am so crushed and hurt by this I can't even explain. I have never seen anyone change from one day to the next that fast and I have been through many relationships (i'm in my 40's). NC starts today, again. This will take me at least a good year to get over. It is just so sad to think of the good times we had the passion the sex the tears the laughs. We could have been great together. Its a shame it came down to the proper communication way too late. I will mourn this loss for at least a year. I am crushed and devastated.

 

Please guys no I told you so's. I thank all of you that tried to warn me. But we all know we just want to be back to being in love and have what we all had once. Life is cruel sometimes. She is happy, I am inversely sad. Just doesn't seem fair.

[cavalier99]

Im really sorry bud. This is heart wrenching. I mentioned the look back nostalgia thing. It is so sad that is what happened. I know this doesn't mean much now but at least you know it is truly over. Now you can really start to heal. The fact that all hope is gone will make it easier as you travel down the road of recovery. Cav

[puzzled1]

DAMNIT DAMNITT!!!

 

I am so very sorry to hear this bud. I am in the exactly same boat as you. Same damn thing

 

I know how it hurts. You know what though, she is not going to be happy, she is still in her honeymoon phase and once thats gone, she will hurt the new guy and the new guy and so on.

 

Keep your head up, dont put a timeline on when your heart will be ready. Go exercise and hang out with some your buddies.

 

I am devastated to hear someone else is in the same sh*t hole and the gf is a selfish lying egotistic b*tch.

[suladas]

That really sucks. I don't think anyone can blame you for what you did, pretty much anyone who wanted their ex back would have done the same thing and ended up in the same position. I would think this time around it would be a lot easier to get over though? You have no more doubts or anything.

[Stoic44]

She's a trollop and a user. Had she returned, she would have just used you. You're better off. Sometimes when you lose, you win.

[OJ loved Nicole]

This is not me beating you up, I promise.

 

I am stunned that she can be such a horrible person.

 

She's not a horrible person, she just chose not to be with you. There is nothing wrong with having choice. How she did it.... she might have been confused about who she wanted, she was a bitch in using you (for her closure), she might have been indecisive. At the end, she decided. I think you're more mad you allowed yourself to be a doormat/soft pillow to her while she decided (avoiding clear red flags).

 

Yes she said "I love you" but her actions SCREAMED otherwise. I don't bang other people while I'm in love with someone...... and you allowed it.

 

 

Maybe being with me convinced her once and for all she is love with him.

 

Maybe.... but you allowed her to be convinced at your expense. As I explained before, I didn't allow my ex back in my life until she made A LOT of concessions (proof she was serious about me). You were hoping to sweep her away with your presence while allowing her to see this OM.

 

In the end I have been blinded by love.

 

This will take me at least a good year to get over.

 

It doesn't need to take a year. People say accepting is one of the last steps but it's actually the first step. As soon as you accept you're ex isn't coming/your not taking her back, you begin to do a lot of things that fast forward the healing process. Not accepting makes you: stay at home, NOT go on a date, NOT go out with your friends, NOT join a dating site, NOT bang the hot blonde because..... your ex MIGHT call/MIGHT want to get back together.

 

Accept it, people have choice, life is unfair, bang the hot blonde!

[na49]

Damn... so it doesn't have a happy ending. None of our stories do.

 

I'm so sorry you had to deal with this dude. Obviously that won't help you cope much, but no one should have to go through what you are going through. Don't blame yourself too much. I know that I'd go right back to my ex if she gave me any hope that we could get back what we had together. When it was good, it was great. All of us just want that back. Them. Happiness. Happiness with them.

 

Good thing that you're going NC. This won't be the last time you hear from her. She'll feel guilty in a few days and reach out to you. Pull you into her friend zone or just make sure that you don't hate her. Here's where it's up to you. DON'T PUT UP WITH IT! You already got burned enough. At this point it's up to you. She did the hurting. You do the healing. Don't respond to her attempts to be civil. You don't know this girl anymore. This girl isn't the girl you were in love with. She's a new person you have never met before. She has no idea what she wants and it's not your job to help her figure it out. You say you're in your 40's. How old is this woman? Isn't she a little old to be playing games? This sounds like something a teenage girl would pull.

 

You say you're going NC. Now STICK TO IT! You're putting off your healing every time you break it. I know that she's going to reach out to you again. I just don't want to see you get more hurt than you already are. She's definitely capable of hurting you more if you let her. You probably won't block her number but blocking her in as many places as you can would be beneficial to your healing.

[Coping Vortex]

DAMNIT DAMNITT!!!

 

I am so very sorry to hear this bud. I am in the exactly same boat as you. Same damn thing

 

I know how it hurts. You know what though, she is not going to be happy, she is still in her honeymoon phase and once thats gone, she will hurt the new guy and the new guy and so on.

 

Keep your head up, dont put a timeline on when your heart will be ready. Go exercise and hang out with some your buddies.

 

I am devastated to hear someone else is in the same sh*t hole and the gf is a selfish lying egotistic b*tch.

 

I feel the same way she has known this guy for weeks and me for years. Plus I know when things get stale she will cheat on him. I'm sure of it. I never ever said a bad thing about her but now I refer to her as ****ing bitch. For her to tell me she loves more than anything (on Monday) I am her world, I am her rock, that she got an ankle tattoo that said Courage because of me, and then she tells me she is not in love with me three days later???? I have been devastated by this BU from day one but this "look back" has been just plain cruel. For the first time I hope she has some sadness coming her way in her life.

[puzzled1]

I feel the same way she has known this guy for weeks and me for years. Plus I know when things get stale she will cheat on him. I'm sure of it. I never ever said a bad thing about her but now I refer to her as ****ing bitch. For her to tell me she loves more than anything (on Monday) I am her world, I am her rock, that she got an ankle tattoo that said Courage because of me, and then she tells me she is not in love with me three days later???? I have been devastated by this BU from day one but this "look back" has been just plain cruel. For the first time I hope she has some sadness coming her way in her life.

 

I know bud. Sh*t sucks alot! They want to make sure they can snap their fingers and we will run back to them. F that. Just ignore her, and move on with your life. The memories will be memories and what the future holds will be well worth it. I want to move on but my heart wont let me. So do what you did in the beginning, spend with with your friends, work out like you are on steroids, go out party, chase money, spend money, go to the gun range, and meet new girls. Thats what helped me but then I got drug back into this dark hole.

[Coping Vortex]

Damn... so it doesn't have a happy ending. None of our stories do.

 

I'm so sorry you had to deal with this dude. Obviously that won't help you cope much, but no one should have to go through what you are going through. Don't blame yourself too much. I know that I'd go right back to my ex if she gave me any hope that we could get back what we had together. When it was good, it was great. All of us just want that back. Them. Happiness. Happiness with them.

 

Good thing that you're going NC. This won't be the last time you hear from her. She'll feel guilty in a few days and reach out to you. Pull you into her friend zone or just make sure that you don't hate her. Here's where it's up to you. DON'T PUT UP WITH IT! You already got burned enough. At this point it's up to you. She did the hurting. You do the healing. Don't respond to her attempts to be civil. You don't know this girl anymore. This girl isn't the girl you were in love with. She's a new person you have never met before. She has no idea what she wants and it's not your job to help her figure it out. You say you're in your 40's. How old is this woman? Isn't she a little old to be playing games? This sounds like something a teenage girl would pull.

 

You say you're going NC. Now STICK TO IT! You're putting off your healing every time you break it. I know that she's going to reach out to you again. I just don't want to see you get more hurt than you already are. She's definitely capable of hurting you more if you let her. You probably won't block her number but blocking her in as many places as you can would be beneficial to your healing.

 

You are right on so many points but I know her she won't reach out. Whenever she does hurt someone she feels too embarrassed by what she did, to reach out. She would be afraid that she did indeed hurt me. She always regrets when she does something mean. Which isn't often, but when it does happen she hides from it. Trust me she will never reach out. I have been the one to reach out to her when a fight or issue would happen. She has low self esteem and she feels too bad when she hurts someone. The low self esteem is what made her meet this guy in the first place.

 

I would love the satisfaction of ignoring her texting me. I would love nothing more.

[Coping Vortex]

I know bud. Sh*t sucks alot! They want to make sure they can snap their fingers and we will run back to them. F that. Just ignore her, and move on with your life. The memories will be memories and what the future holds will be well worth it. I want to move on but my heart wont let me. So do what you did in the beginning, spend with with your friends, work out like you are on steroids, go out party, chase money, spend money, go to the gun range, and meet new girls. Thats what helped me but then I got drug back into this dark hole.

 

Trust me these past 9 weeks have been a mix of working out, going out, and Xanax. I have had very little sleep in the past 2 months. I would have been so happy to have been back with her and being able to sleep. Now I have neither.

[Coping Vortex]

This is not me beating you up, I promise.

 

 

 

She's not a horrible person, she just chose not to be with you. There is nothing wrong with having choice. How she did it.... she might have been confused about who she wanted, she was a bitch in using you (for her closure), she might have been indecisive. At the end, she decided. I think you're more mad you allowed yourself to be a doormat/soft pillow to her while she decided (avoiding clear red flags).

 

Yes she said "I love you" but her actions SCREAMED otherwise. I don't bang other people while I'm in love with someone...... and you allowed it.

 

 

 

 

Maybe.... but you allowed her to be convinced at your expense. As I explained before, I didn't allow my ex back in my life until she made A LOT of concessions (proof she was serious about me). You were hoping to sweep her away with your presence while allowing her to see this OM.

 

 

 

It doesn't need to take a year. People say accepting is one of the last steps but it's actually the first step. As soon as you accept you're ex isn't coming/your not taking her back, you begin to do a lot of things that fast forward the healing process. Not accepting makes you: stay at home, NOT go on a date, NOT go out with your friends, NOT join a dating site, NOT bang the hot blonde because..... your ex MIGHT call/MIGHT want to get back together.

 

Accept it, people have choice, life is unfair, bang the hot blonde!

 

The difference is, I grilled her to no end that and asked her "is she sure she wants to be with me". If she was confused she should have said that too. I asked her over and over. Who changes their mind in a day? She had to know if she even had doubts she should have said something or not told me these lies. No one changes their mind that fast. She might still indeed love me now but it was easier to be with the new guy. Either way she lied.

[Coping Vortex]

Sounds messy, with some of it circumstantial, which can be fixed, but other things owing to personality issues which may not be able to be fixed.

 

I do think you love each other, but the chief minefields I see are:

 

(1) Codependency. Sounds like she wanted to move fast. Now she is taking it slow with you, but is still with the other guy. Can this girl ever proceed without someone in her life, stand on her own two feet? Or is she looking for a guy to solve all her problems, a white knight to her recurrent damsel-in-distress syndrome? What does she give to the relationship? Does she come over and make you dinner? Care for you when you're sick? Inspire you when you're down? Or are you just a source of physical intimacy and financial stability? Who's the giver in the relationship?

 

(2) Trust. Related to (1). She seemed to have moved on pretty fast when you did not come running to her divorced whistle. How is this going to work out in the future? What happens if you lose your job and the finances go under? Or if you have to be away from her for a month or two for something job-related or work related? Is she going to stand by you or bolt for greener pastures when the going gets tough?

 

Yes to all of your points. We were both Codependent. Yes plenty of trust issues.

[Coping Vortex]

Sorry to keep posting but I need to vent. I have been so so sad and depressed over this BU but after what happened today I am actually am dealing with this a little better. What she did to me today finally sparkled some anger in me and is definitely helping me right now. I think if you can reach down and find the anger somewhere, it does amazing things to boost your defenses to the BU.

 

 

I would never do this in reality..but I have a fantasy of calling her ex husband and telling him not to pine over her like me. That she cheated on him several times. I know this because she admitted it to me. I also saw her tell him to his face she never cheated with him while they were married.

 

I actually feel bad for the poor bastard. and he's a very unlikable guy.

 

My fantasy extends to me calling her new BF (no clue who the guy is) and tell him his GF ****ed me twice in the last 4 weeks.

 

Keep that BU anger going!!!!!!!

[Stoic44]

I'm sorry to hear it didn't work. If it's any consolation, though, you were the one who tried to make it work. She was the trollop just looking for the easy way out. When the going gets tough with the new guy, when she has to put any effort into the relationship, if ever he doesn't come running to her whistle, she'll also be gone. I guarantee it.

 

She has character issues, and you don't want to be with someone like that. Be grateful it ended when it did. She could have strung you along for another 6 mos, a year, 5 years, all the while banging guys behind your back. Then you would have been devastated.

 

I don't think it will take you a year to recover. You paid a visit to a slut, as we all do. It could be out of your system in a few weeks.

[Coping Vortex]

I'm sorry to hear it didn't work. If it's any consolation, though, you were the one who tried to make it work. She was the trollop just looking for the easy way out. When the going gets tough with the new guy, when she has to put any effort into the relationship, if ever he doesn't come running to her whistle, she'll also be gone. I guarantee it.

 

She has character issues, and you don't want to be with someone like that. Be grateful it ended when it did. She could have strung you along for another 6 mos, a year, 5 years, all the while banging guys behind your back. Then you would have been devastated.

 

I don't think it will take you a year to recover. You paid a visit to a slut, as we all do. It could be out of your system in a few weeks.

 

I hear you. At least I got a farewell bang out of it.

[golk]

This story doesn't bode well for me... I'm in a very similar position right now with my ex except she's not dating anyone. Seeing how this one played out kind of scares the sh*^ out of me! Hang in there OP. At least there's no hope and I've found that once the hope's gone, it gets easier faster.

[Survivor12]

I am truly sorry to hear that things did not work out as you'd hoped. I know first-hand how it feels to have your love and vulnerability used against you. It's even more painful than the breakup itself and completely knocks you off balance. It feels like you're looking at the world from under water...nothing is clear, everything is blurred.

 

For that reason, I encourage you to give yourself some time to grieve, adjust and heal. I also urge you to take the advice that has been given to you throughout this thread and put dating on hold. I know you said that things are "casual" with the woman you've been seeing, but right now even casual has risks that you aren't equipped to deal with. The potential for making poor decisions is huge.

 

Although it is tempting to deny this advice, please be aware that the sooner you work through the pain, the sooner you will heal. Avoiding it or trying to ease it by distracting yourself with another woman will only delay (if not worsen) the emotional wounds.

 

Please take care of yourself.

[MyAngel]

I am so sorry to hear of this. I am sure that this has a positive side though: you now see her for what she really is. You do not want someone like that in your life. Not someone that can use you and use other people. Stuff that.

[OJ loved Nicole]

The difference is, I grilled her to no end that and asked her "is she sure she wants to be with me". If she was confused she should have said that too. I asked her over and over. Who changes their mind in a day? She had to know if she even had doubts she should have said something or not told me these lies. No one changes their mind that fast. She might still indeed love me now but it was easier to be with the new guy. Either way she lied.

 

Did I ever say she's not a liar? So do you answer honestly everytime you've been asked "does this dress make me look fat", or spare no feelings and tell the truth 100% of the time? Yes these are different levels of lying, but they are still lying. All have the same thing in common.... lie to spare feeling.

 

On Monday you should've told her: "whore, take your phone, call the OM, tell him you love ME, and end it right now if you really want to be with me!" She obviously wouldn't have, and you would've had you answer THEN!

 

Again I'm not trying to beat you up, but your Q&A session was BS. You allowed her to lie, accepted her lies because..... how do you honestly believe she really loves you while she's banging the other dude?

[SharkTooth]

Wow. I am so sorry to hear the news. I really think most folks here were pulling for you. I know I was. The great thing about LS is the support and I hope you continue to update everyone. You've already started the book and it's been a roller coaster read, but like all books, it's got to have a beginning, a middle, and an end. Try and make it a happy ending for all of us to read. You know what has to be done now. Inspire us all and see if you can get it done in less then a year...

[Coping Vortex]

Wow. I am so sorry to hear the news. I really think most folks here were pulling for you. I know I was. The great thing about LS is the support and I hope you continue to update everyone. You've already started the book and it's been a roller coaster read, but like all books, it's got to have a beginning, a middle, and an end. Try and make it a happy ending for all of us to read. You know what has to be done now. Inspire us all and see if you can get it done in less then a year...

 

Thank you. I hope it goes less than a year. I can't take much moe of this pain and agony. I always felt she was the emotional weak one. But she seems to be fine and I am the one tortured. I would love nothing else than give this greek tragedy a happy ending. Unfortunately for me the only happy ending would have been making it work with the ex.

 

Its weird I have been somewhat strong today. Knowing she just doesn't love me makes her feel like a bit of a stranger to me. I'm sure tomorrow I will be a mess. I plan to go out Friday and Sat nights. I need to keep busy.