Mint Sauce Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 I could use some various (harsh to kind) feedback on this. The woman I'm dating confessed to having cheated on her exH when they were still young (10 years ago, early twenties, 5 yrs prior to their divorce when he left her for someone else). She doesn't know why she did that, their relationship was fine. The affair was very short, she stopped it after the first sexual encounter(s) which she did not enjoy. It appears being on the other side has made her realize somewhat the pain an affair causes, but I'm still worried by her inability to explain why she cheated. Any thoughts? Should I insist on getting a better explanation, on more arguments that it won't happen again?
Spark1111 Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 I could use some various (harsh to kind) feedback on this. The woman I'm dating confessed to having cheated on her exH when they were still young (10 years ago, early twenties, 5 yrs prior to their divorce when he left her for someone else). She doesn't know why she did that, their relationship was fine. The affair was very short, she stopped it after the first sexual encounter(s) which she did not enjoy. It appears being on the other side has made her realize somewhat the pain an affair causes, but I'm still worried by her inability to explain why she cheated. Any thoughts? Should I insist on getting a better explanation, on more arguments that it won't happen again? I think you and she get to counseling if you really care about her and are planning a future together. inability to explain or introspect is not a good sign in a prospective partner. These many years later, she should have some thoughts and feelings on the matter. 2
Author Mint Sauce Posted January 15, 2013 Author Posted January 15, 2013 I think you and she get to counseling if you really care about her and are planning a future together. inability to explain or introspect is not a good sign in a prospective partner. These many years later, she should have some thoughts and feelings on the matter. Thanks Spark, I am considering that possibility, I fully agree with your opinion on introspection. But we've only been exclusive for 2 months. Seems a bit early to go into counseling. I somewhat suggested she still go into counseling or divorce-guidance with her exH (they still fight over custody), but I'm also reluctant to get him back into her life...
JamesM Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 She doesn't know why she did that, their relationship was fine. ...I'm still worried by her inability to explain why she cheated. Any thoughts? Should I insist on getting a better explanation, on more arguments that it won't happen again? This stuck out to me as it seems to have stuck out for you. Not knowing why means that she (in theory) wouldn't know why when it happened again. Not knowing why means that she may not recognize the little steps that led to the affair. It could be something simple that made her cheat, or it could be that she was looking for a thrill. Who knows, and if she doesn't then I would consider finding a different woman. 1
Realist3 Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 You are just dating and you are going to go to counseling? How about just find someone else since it seems to be such a hangup for you? Save a lot of money and a lot of time.
shame_on_me Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 She does know why she done it but is either ashamed to admit it or is scared you wont like the answer. Women are like that.
2long Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 That she and her ex still fight over custody is a major factor as well as the inability 2 put a finger on why she cheated. I can understand that you don't want 2 "invite" the ex back in2 her life. But the truth is that he won't ever be out of her life since they're parents 2gether. I wouldn't consider making a commitment with this woman if you aren't comfortable with either issue - the ex being involved in her life as a coparent and her inability (or unwillingness) 2 identify what made her decide that it was okay 2 cheat on him. -ol' 2long 1
nofool4u Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 I could use some various (harsh to kind) feedback on this. The woman I'm dating confessed to having cheated on her exH when they were still young (10 years ago, early twenties, 5 yrs prior to their divorce when he left her for someone else). Boom, enough said. Don't waste your time any further with this woman. She doesn't know why she did that, their relationship was fine. She knows, she just doesn't want to admit it. She cheated because she was horny for another man other than her husband. She wanted to F him, and she did. Simple as that. I have to laugh at someone that says they didn't know why they did it. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 she stopped it after the first sexual encounter(s) which she did not enjoy. Makes me think that if the sex was better then the affair would have continued. In other words, her discomfort was physical, not spiritual . The whole thing would be a dealbreaker for me. I'd personally move on... Mr. Lucky 1
2sunny Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 She does know why she done it but is either ashamed to admit it or is scared you wont like the answer. Women are like that. Shame - men are like that too.
Jonah Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 I could use some various (harsh to kind) feedback on this. The woman I'm dating confessed to having cheated on her exH when they were still young (10 years ago, early twenties, 5 yrs prior to their divorce when he left her for someone else). She doesn't know why she did that, their relationship was fine. The affair was very short, she stopped it after the first sexual encounter(s) which she did not enjoy. It appears being on the other side has made her realize somewhat the pain an affair causes, but I'm still worried by her inability to explain why she cheated. Any thoughts? Should I insist on getting a better explanation, on more arguments that it won't happen again? She must like drama if she still hangs out with you after being pressed with this line of questioning. That she is still talking to you points to some real insecurities on her part.
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