Setting the Tone, Taking the Lead

[OJ loved Nicole]

As a marriage therapist, I have spent the last 25 years listening to men and women talk about their relationships. Overwhelmingly, women tell me their number one issue is TRUST.

 

Obviously, women lose trust when their man tells lies. But it goes beyond that. They feel unsafe when their man won’t keep his word and won’t follow through. They get tired of not knowing what is going on inside their man’s head. They hate being forced to make all of the decisions. They resent their man’s passivity and passive-aggressiveness.

 

Women lose trust when their man won’t set the tone and take the lead. All too often, a woman has to take over the man’s job by default because the guy won’t do it. When a woman takes the lead, the guy assumes she must want to be in charge. Even though she doesn’t, once she has gotten behind the wheel, she won’t let go until she is convinced she can trust her man to take over and drive.

 

Women want to feel safe more than anything else. They naturally look to men for security (it starts with daddy and continues into adulthood in their intimate relationships with men). If they can’t trust the man in their life to make them feel safe, they are forced into taking charge.

 

When a man fails to lead and set the tone, the woman feels unsafe, loses trust in the man, loses sexual desire for him, has to escalate testing behavior, and has to become controlling (not a pretty sight).

 

When a man forces the woman to set the tone and take the lead, he becomes frustrated, resentful, emotionally unavailable, manipulative, passive-aggressive, and moody (also not a pretty sight).

 

I know the concept of leading and following seems almost old fashioned in our “modern” society. Yet someone has to set the tone. No matter how much you hear about equality and 50/50 relationships, they still make cars with only one steering wheel and televisions with only one remote. When it all comes down to it, someone has to lead.

 

It never ceases to amaze me that when I address the issue of men building trust with women by setting the tone and taking the lead, the women always nod in agreement. I have yet to have one single woman interrupt me and say, “Excuse me, but I would rather set the tone and take the lead in our relationship.”

 

When I talk about setting the tone and taking the lead, I’m not about talking about men being controlling, manipulative, selfish, making every decision, or having everything go their way.

 

I’m talking about a man deciding what he wants and inviting a woman to join him. If the man leads, the woman has a choice to follow or not. He isn’t forcing her to do anything. But she doesn’t have a choice if he doesn’t clearly lead or let her know what direction he is going.

 

A woman can’t follow where a man doesn’t lead!

 

When a man sets the tone and takes the lead, it actually opens the door for a reciprocal relationship with a woman. Masculine leadership makes “give and take” possible. When a man is passive, it prevents any kind of shared decision making.

 

It doesn’t matter if you are a single guy looking for love or a married man in a committed relationship, the principles remain the same.

 

Have a plan, don’t force her to make all the decisions. Tell her what you want to do, she can always offer a counter plan. Give her something to respond to. Asking her what she wants to do or giving her too many options is not the way to make a woman happy.

 

Tell your woman what you are thinking, what you are feeling, and what you want. Don’t make her guess or read your mind. Don’t wait for her to bring up problems in the relationship, its not her job and will make her feel like a nag. If there is something in your head, let her in on it. Don’t let resentment fester and build inside you until you blow up or lash out in passive-aggressive ways. Deal with things NOW!

 

Always treat a woman with love and respect.

 

Don’t keep secrets. Always tell the truth. Don’t do anything behind your woman’s back. Always do what you say you are going to do. Don’t procrastinate. Finish what you start.

 

A few months ago I was sitting in the bar of a local restaurant with some men who had taken one of my dating classes. An attractive waitress I know walked by our table. I said “Jessica, come here, I want to ask you a question.” I asked, “How do you like it when the guy you are dating leaves all the decisions up to you and repeatedly asks you what you want to do?” Without hesitation, Jessica emphatically retorted, “IT IRRITATES ME!” I thanked her for her candid response and turned back to the guys and smiled.

 

Want to make a woman happy? Set the tone, take the lead. Be a man your woman can trust!

 

Dr. Robert Glover

[OJ loved Nicole]

Thoughts from Dr. Robert Glover, author of "No More Mr. Nice Guy!". I take absolutely zero credit, thoughts?

[HitMeNow]

Good writeup.

I partially disagree with this, just because you have not specified what it is to lead very much.

 

I think there is various ways to lead and one is to be somewhat passive. Passive in not what you do, but how you relate to the other person.

(i.e. I can lead my life in doing X, Y, Z, but I do not necessarily need to take the lead and invite my woman to these things. If she wants she can come, if not nbd)

 

The other thing is you do not specify at what stage of a relationship. I am sure too much trust too early will get you put in the friendzone fast.

[april38]

AMEN!!! I couldn't agree more!!! Thank you for the post.

[april38]

Good writeup.

I partially disagree with this, just because you have not specified what it is to lead very much.

 

I think there is various ways to lead and one is to be somewhat passive. Passive in not what you do, but how you relate to the other person.

(i.e. I can lead my life in doing X, Y, Z, but I do not necessarily need to take the lead and invite my woman to these things. If she wants she can come, if not nbd)

 

The other thing is you do not specify at what stage of a relationship. I am sure too much trust too early will get you put in the friendzone fast.

 

IMO this should being from date #1. For example a man can say "would you like to go out for lunch tomorrow?" as opposed to "Would you like to get together tomorrow? What would you like to do?" The first option offers a plan, if it doesn't work for her, she can counter with something like "I can't meet for lunch, but what about happy hour?", but it doesn't leave the planning up to her.

 

In the past I've dated men who are passive, wait till the last minute to make plans, or have no plan to offer, and I've taken the lead. It's a real turn off. It does set the tone for me to wear the pants in the relationship, and then I'm accused of being controlling. It affects the entire relationship. Next thing you know I notice he's driving the wrong way, and I'm pointing it out and telling him where to go.

 

On the other hand I've had men with a plan who suggest let's do this, or let's do that, and what happens is I sit back and enjoy his masculine nature. I learn to trust him, and instead of telling him he's driving the wrong way, I trust that he'll figure it out, meanwhile I'm finding good music on the radio, and smiling and giving him kisses along the drive.

 

At first I thought I was a controlling woman because this kept happening in relationships, but then I met a guy who took the lead and it was beautiful, I totally let go of the reins. It wasn't me, I was just dating the wrong guys. Now I notice from date #1 if he is willing and able to take control, and if he isn't - I don't take the lead, I just move on and give up the idea of dating him.

 

Also, please note that recently I had a first date, and I wanted him to take a bit more of the lead and he didn't so the date ended earlier than I wanted because I wasn't going to take the lead and make any suggestions. I questioned his capabilities, but agreed to a 2nd date. On the 2nd date he did take the lead and it was a total success! I even sent him a message later letting him know what I great time I had and made a suggestion for the next meetup. I'll leave the rest to him, but can't wait for date #3!

[crude]

The author is just another conservative Republican who slants everything to be like the good old days were when all men were the breadwinners and all women were housewives. Women are the ones who like to plan events like weddings and dinners, so why all of a sudden should men plan dates all the time. Trust and leading are two totally different things. Men make all the decisions in Moslem countries, and that doesn't seem to work out so well.

[HitMeNow]

IMO this should being from date #1. For example a man can say "would you like to go out for lunch tomorrow?" as opposed to "Would you like to get together tomorrow? What would you like to do?" The first option offers a plan, if it doesn't work for her, she can counter with something like "I can't meet for lunch, but what about happy hour?", but it doesn't leave the planning up to her.

 

In the past I've dated men who are passive, wait till the last minute to make plans, or have no plan to offer, and I've taken the lead. It's a real turn off. It does set the tone for me to wear the pants in the relationship, and then I'm accused of being controlling. It affects the entire relationship. Next thing you know I notice he's driving the wrong way, and I'm pointing it out and telling him where to go.

 

On the other hand I've had men with a plan who suggest let's do this, or let's do that, and what happens is I sit back and enjoy his masculine nature. I learn to trust him, and instead of telling him he's driving the wrong way, I trust that he'll figure it out, meanwhile I'm finding good music on the radio, and smiling and giving him kisses along the drive.

 

At first I thought I was a controlling woman because this kept happening in relationships, but then I met a guy who took the lead and it was beautiful, I totally let go of the reins. It wasn't me, I was just dating the wrong guys. Now I notice from date #1 if he is willing and able to take control, and if he isn't - I don't take the lead, I just move on and give up the idea of dating him.

 

Also, please note that recently I had a first date, and I wanted him to take a bit more of the lead and he didn't so the date ended earlier than I wanted because I wasn't going to take the lead and make any suggestions. I questioned his capabilities, but agreed to a 2nd date. On the 2nd date he did take the lead and it was a total success! I even sent him a message later letting him know what I great time I had and made a suggestion for the next meetup. I'll leave the rest to him, but can't wait for date #3!

 

IMHO you are missing out on a lot of attractive alpha guys.

 

But you made a suggestion for a meetup.

 

Let me paint you a picture april. Suppose the same guy (who I am assuming you re really into), does not contact you for a few weeks. Will that say that he's not leading?

 

What about a guy who is telling you to meet him up every day. Is he leading?

 

The problem with leading is It does not ****ing matter if you take the lead or not, it matters if people listen to you.

 

And to have people listen to you, you have to be willing to listen first. Hence he idea of the passive leader, who has far more important business to deal with, but will give you a small share of his time to see if you're a fit companion in his journey.

[april38]

The author is just another conservative Republican who slants everything to be like the good old days were when all men were the breadwinners and all women were housewives. Women are the ones who like to plan events like weddings and dinners, so why all of a sudden should men plan dates all the time. Trust and leading are two totally different things. Men make all the decisions in Moslem countries, and that doesn't seem to work out so well.

 

I don't think he's saying men should plan dates all of the time. He's saying to set the tone so a woman knows he can take charge. For me, I love it when a man can do this, and it does stem from childhood. My dad would hold me hand and say, we are going here and there. Now when a man does it in a dating environment I love it!! I just want to be with him no matter what we do because he makes me feel like a lady. And no he doesn't have to make all of the plans, it should be reciprocated, however he has proven he's a leader in the first few dates, and now I'm willing to participate in the plan making.

 

BTW, I personally don't like to plan the events like weddings and dinners. But what happens is since he doesn't, I do, and then exactly what the author said would happen does.

[CptSaveAho]

The author is just another conservative Republican who slants everything to be like the good old days were when all men were the breadwinners and all women were housewives. Women are the ones who like to plan events like weddings and dinners, so why all of a sudden should men plan dates all the time. Trust and leading are two totally different things. Men make all the decisions in Moslem countries, and that doesn't seem to work out so well.

 

I'm liberal and I don't disagree with Robert Glover

 

Its the man's responsibility to lead... if you can't drive, continue to ride the bus and complain about the proven fact that successful men drive(lead) the relationships

 

Women in this day and age are screwed because there are too many "bus riders" nice guys that do not know how to lead or choose to not to lead... then they wonder why their relationships failed, their wives/gs are losers and cheated on them and left etc... (poor leadership)

 

IMHO you are missing out on a lot of attractive alpha guys.

 

But you made a suggestion for a meetup.

 

Let me paint you a picture april. Suppose the same guy (who I am assuming you re really into), does not contact you for a few weeks. Will that say that he's not leading?

 

What about a guy who is telling you to meet him up every day. Is he leading?

 

The problem with leading is It does not ****ing matter if you take the lead or not, it matters if people listen to you.

 

And to have people listen to you, you have to be willing to listen first. Hence he idea of the passive leader, who has far more important business to deal with, but will give you a small share of his time to see if you're a fit companion in his journey.

 

None of this behavior is 'alpha'

Edited January 15, 2013 by CptSaveAho

[april38]

IMHO you are missing out on a lot of attractive alpha guys.

 

But you made a suggestion for a meetup.

 

Let me paint you a picture april. Suppose the same guy (who I am assuming you re really into), does not contact you for a few weeks. Will that say that he's not leading?

 

What about a guy who is telling you to meet him up every day. Is he leading?

 

The problem with leading is It does not ****ing matter if you take the lead or not, it matters if people listen to you.

 

And to have people listen to you, you have to be willing to listen first. Hence he idea of the passive leader, who has far more important business to deal with, but will give you a small share of his time to see if you're a fit companion in his journey.

 

Thank you for your thoughts, that's why I love this message board!

 

Ok, so I suggested to him that if he ever has time during the week maybe we could meet up for happy hour or something. He responded with yes, sounds great - I will get back to you when i know my schedule. So now lets say he doesn't get back to me, or do what he said he was going to do - then I'm out. And if he does call in a few weeks and says I'm sorry I didn't get back to you, this and that happened - then I'll make that decision at the time if I'm still interested, or not dating someone else by then. But it will be in the back of my mind that he didn't follow through, and he may not be reliable.

 

If he wants to meet up everyday, then he's going over board. It has nothing to do with his leadership skills.

 

You're right, I could be missing out on some alpha males if they don't set the tone from the beginning, but is that really my fault, or my problem?

[crude]

I'm liberal and I don't disagree with Robert Glover

 

Its the man's responsibility to lead

 

 

That's just a sexual stereotype. It's not the man's responsibility to lead any more than it's the woman's. Some men have no interest in leading, some women do. Is it also a man's responsibility to be the breadwinner and the hero, because if a woman makes lots of money as many do, they must be emasculating men. I don't buy into the gender based stereotypes.

[monicaelise]

I like for a man to take the lead, but not for the reasons the OP has specified. For me it's just sheer laziness with this aspect of my life. If he doesn't take the lead, nothing will happen.

[PJKino]

Its kind of dumb to box people in to having to have specific traits because of their gender..Not all men are leaders nor are all women passive and submissive

 

I prefer a relationship to be an equal partnership not one where a women is still looking for daddy to do everyhting for her..

[CptSaveAho]

That's just a sexual stereotype. It's not the man's responsibility to lead any more than it's the woman's. Some men have no interest in leading, some women do. Is it also a man's responsibility to be the breadwinner and the hero, because if a woman makes lots of money as many do, they must be emasculating men. I don't buy into the gender based stereotypes.

 

Women aren't "Wired" to lead relationships... its DNA, not stereotype.

[FitChick]

I agree with Dr. Glover. I am a strong woman and I need a strong man. I will steamroll right over a passive guy and get bored. People need to distinguish between leader and bully. I like a man with a plan but one who is secure enough to not feel threatened if I make other suggestions or occasionally disagree.

 

There are a few controlling women who like being in control so there are plenty of passive men for them. A friend has been married to one for fifteen years and it works for them. I think her husband is an annoying little wimp though.

[april38]

There are a few controlling women who like being in control so there are plenty of passive men for them. A friend has been married to one for fifteen years and it works for them. I think her husband is an annoying little wimp though.

 

LOL!! I hear that sister!!

[PJKino]

I agree with Dr. Glover. I am a strong woman and I need a strong man. I will steamroll right over a passive guy and get bored. People need to distinguish between leader and bully. I like a man with a plan but one who is secure enough to not feel threatened if I make other suggestions or occasionally disagree.

 

There are a few controlling women who like being in control so there are plenty of passive men for them. A friend has been married to one for fifteen years and it works for them. I think her husband is an annoying little wimp though.

 

Why is a man a wimp if hes not a leader or type a personality?

 

Does each man or women have to fit into your little box of what a real man or women is?

[april38]

Why is a man a wimp if hes not a leader or type a personality?

 

Does each man or women have to fit into your little box of what a real man or women is?

 

She's not saying that he's not a real man, she's saying that he's not the kind of man SHE would want to date. We all have preferences, and this friends husbands mannerisms are not her preference.

[SteveC80]

I learned early on something as simple as asking her where she wants to eat or what she wants to do will turn a women OFF while it sounds goofy well thats women

 

WHy do u think powerful men are a turn on to women? Women want a superior somebody they can look up to as the king of the house

 

Women are hypergamous and want a man thats better and mroe capable then her at doing things the minute she looks at you as the equal of the relationship and not the superior ceo her panties will dry up

[FitChick]

Why is a man a wimp if hes not a leader or type a personality?

 

Does each man or women have to fit into your little box of what a real man or women is?

 

My friend doesn't think her husband is a wimp. She thinks he is just very agreeable and accommodating to her every whim, suggestion and order. I am not married to him so it's irrelevant what my opinion is of him.

 

What works for one person doesn't work for another. That should make you happy.

[PJKino]

She's not saying that he's not a real man, .

 

Calling him a "wimp" is pretty much saying that..Why does every man have to be the same to be a real man?

 

It would be like me saying a women who wants the man to lead and do everyhting is spineless and child like and not smart enough to make a decision on her own

[PJKino]

My friend doesn't think her husband is a wimp. She thinks he is just very agreeable and accommodating to her every whim, suggestion and order. I am not married to him so it's irrelevant what my opinion is of him.

 

What works for one person doesn't work for another. That should make you happy.

 

Its fine that it doenst work for you but to call him an annoying little wimp because hes not a leader is pretty harsh you seem to have a narrow view of how a man should act

[CptSaveAho]

A wimp is a wimp...

 

Get over it

 

the saying... if it walks like a duck and talks like it a duck... its a duck

 

----------------

 

Most people here are afraid to look in the mirror and see that most of their life's issues and things going wrong are staring them in the face

 

They choose the easy route out by going PC, ignoring the obvious, and deflecting

 

----------------

 

a Man is a Man... if you don't know what it is... have various definitions of man... seek validation/approval of women... you aren't one... Fix it and become one

 

Robert Glover's book is a GREAT place to start...

[april38]

Calling him a "wimp" is pretty much saying that..Why does every man have to be the same to be a real man?

 

It would be like me saying a women who wants the man to lead and do everyhting is spineless and child like and not smart enough to make a decision on her own

 

I think you may be over analyzing this or possibly taking it personally. It seems to me that what she is saying is that the exact behavior that totally turns her friend on, happens to totally turn her off. He friend sees passive as accommodating, but she finds it wimpy. We are all different...she's just being honest about how that kind of behavior makes her feel.

[OJ loved Nicole]

Never forget Rule #1- ALL relationships end. Either by breakup, divorce, or death, all relationships end. My GF tells me all the time "I will love/be with you forever"... Bullsh*t, she loves me right now.

 

How many threads have you read where the poster says "I gave/did everything to/for them and they left me, I don't know what to do"? Losing themselves in their SO.

 

Taking the lead/control to me is: LIVE YOUR LIFE 100%, 100% of the time!! In other readings Glover says "your life is the cake, she's only the icing". You want to go fishing, to dinner, buy a certain house, take dance lesson, whatever.... Go For It!! Invite your SO, if they join you great (the icing), if not, your life is still a cake.