loving two men and know I need to choose

[Agape]

I happened upon this site while searching for books or sites topically related to being torn between two men. It seems incredibly unlikely and complex - the situation I'm in.

 

After being involved with the same man mostly for several years, he unexpectedly asked me to marry him. I had inexplicable reservations about it, because in fact, I loved him very much. Eventually, I agreed and we actually moved in together and made no immediate plans for a formal marriage since neither of us wanted a wedding. Our lives changed dramatically upon living with one another and after a relatively short time, I discovered a man I work with was actually in love with me. He was someone with whom I'd flirted and acknowledged deep fondness for - for years. I'd joked with friends that if I were on my own and we didn't work together, I'd definitely pursue something with him. I had no idea he had such feelings for me.

 

The OM and I began talking for hours as my husband was gone a lot. We shared everything, and spiritually, I began to feel much closer to this man than my husband. My husband began to suspect something and things became even worse between us.

 

Now we're separated with no real plans for either divorce or reconciliation. After the separation, I began to see the OM secretly (both because I didn't know if I could handle breaking my husband's heart and destroying our chances of being together again since I'm so confused about which of these men I should spend my life with) and also because we work at a pretty small company.

 

My husband and I see a lot of each other too. Sometimes I miss him a lot and can picture being with him again; then I feel wretched at the thought of not having the OM in my life. It is simply the most dreadful limbo imaginable. I'm not getting anywhere. My husband is mostly pretty non-confrontational. But he's also very slow to act and react in ANY situation.

 

Further complicating things is that I have a lot in common with my husband in terms of background, education, etc. The OM and I grew up in the same area and he's very smart in certain ways, but not educated. Both are very compatible politically, but my husband doesn't have any spiritual 'legs'. The OM and I feel very close spiritually. Both are older than me, my husband moreso. They both have children from previous marriages, but my husband didn't want any more children though I'm in my mid thirties. The OM would totally have more kids if I decided that's what I want. But as you can see, I've got no clue what I want! I just know we can't all go on this way.

 

Both guys are very sweet, funny, generous people. Though the OM would literally wait on me, hand and foot and this makes him HAPPY. My husband can be a bit selfish and distracted when it comes to everyday, mundane stuff. OM is really laid back and my husband used to be, but for years he's been developing anxiety and he snaps sometimes, really panicking over various things in an almost obsessive way that makes me nuts.

 

I'm really depressed (a problem I've fought most of my life), and I feel like in this cloud, I can't think or see clearly. When the OM and I have talked about not seeing each other so that my head can clear a bit, we just turn weak and abandon the plan, saying 'one day at a time,' and all that.

 

I welcome any outside perspective anyone cares to offer. In ways, this has been a remarkable time for me, but mostly it's just paralyzing being stuck this way - not knowing what to do.

[uriel]

Most importantly: You need to decide which of these men you love unconditionally. You've listed pros and cons of what each brings into your life. But, which one do you love for himself? Which one would you be willing to accept changes in -- to grow with, to go through ups and downs, sickness and health, etc. with?

 

If you cared as much for your husband's happiness as your own, could you stand to betray and hurt him as you are? What are you calling love?

 

Consider too, right now the OM has the advantage of your not having lived with him. Certain aspects of what any future life between you would be like are just extrapolation / fantasy. Often, once you settle in and down with someone, some of the pleasing behaviors drop off and some of the personal quirks and habits come to the forefront. It's not exaclty fair to judge your husband by the same standard. You might tell yourself you know what living with the OM would be like having known him as long and well as you do -- but don't be so sure.

 

-- uriel

[Agape]

Thank you for your post Uriel. I guess it's difficult to paint a clear picture when summarizing this mess. While I really want to take responsibility for my own mistakes, and not make excuses, I don't believe I ever would have found myself seeking comfort in the friendship with the OM in the first place except for the circumstances that had rapidly become the norm at 'home'.

 

Because of personal and professional stuff (not related to our relationship), my husband had become increasingly irrational and unkind. Every time I tried to talk to him, to help, to try to get him to get help, etc., he would alternate between hostile defense and outright verbal assault. I'd seen this before in our relationship and frankly, it scared me.

 

I felt like I'd 'waited' a long time for things to be right, supporting him from one personal crisis to another and my resentment was growing because everything seemed to be 'about him,' and I wondered when it would be my turn to be nurtured and supported. He got manipulative and demanding when it came to his needs, and I felt literally sick just being under the roof.

 

Funny, once I'd made the decision to get out, (however temporary the separation might be, I didn't think the relationship could survive at all if we continued living together at this time) - anyway, once I decided to leave, he seemed to calm down. A lot. We actually started enjoying each other, like good friends. This was very confusing to me. I didn't necessarily feel it was automatically more manipulation, but I worried that his mood swings were too unpredictable.

 

I'd hoped we'd talk about all this, but once I was actually gone, we just settled into this very civil, very casual interaction. The few times I've tried to talk to him about the very real problems we had that haven't been resolved, it's deteriorated quickly. He kind of loses it, as though I'm attacking him and he needs to go into some self-preservation mode (I often feel he's in the middle of some kind of post-traumatic stress episode from his first marriage and I'm nothing like his first wife at all).

 

I do love both these men. And a large part of the torment comes with the worry and concern I feel in hurting either of them. I thought, for months, that if I broke it off entirely with the OM, and moved 'home', that it would be that much more wrenching if it did turn out that my husband and I just couldn't make this work and I had to leave again. It was just the most painful, awful thing, leaving before.

 

I imagine this is sort of rambling nonsense, but it's difficult to analyze, to make true sense of this complicated triange. And only the OM knows everything; my husband doesn't know I'm involved with the OM. Oh well, I just wanted to clarify a bit of this. And know that I do understand very well that things could be WAY different if the OM and I married and lived together. The thing is, he is just the most rock solid person you can imagine. Extremely consistent. So patient and unconditionally loving with his ex, his kids.

 

And what about unconditional love? Frankly, the only completely unconditional love I've experienced has been with my dogs, and I hope that doesn't sound cynical or saracastic. In fact, the OM is one of the only human beings I've known that seems to be capable of unconditional love. It makes me sad because I think my husband was stunted by his first marriage (very dysfunctional) and its end, where the OM seemed to 'grow' so much after his own first marriage (also of may years with kids, etc.) and evolve in a way I've not found very characteristic of men, in general.

 

ok - enough for now. Simply, thanks.

[Guest]

I'm sorry you're in this situation, it must be incredibly difficult. Would your husband consider getting some counseling with you or by himself maybe? It doesn't sound like he would want to from what you've said, but maybe if he would it might help. Is he expecting to get back together with you and have you discussed that at all? I am just very worried for him that if he finds out about your other man from someone else that this will be very painful for him and maybe send him over the edge.

[Agape]

It is INCREDIBLY difficult. Thanks for your reply.

 

Interestingly, my husband did seek counseling years ago after he broke up with me with no discussion, explanation, etc. We later got back together, mainly I pursued the reconciliation, but I didn't even know about the counseling until recently; he never told me. I doubt he would be very receptive to it now.

 

We just haven't discussed getting back together - it's kind of weird, so I guess I'm not even certain where his head's at. Sometimes, I sense something that borders on hostility in his energy, but then sometimes, he seems so happy to be around me.

 

OM worries about him finding out too. Doesn't want outcome to mean my husband gets his heart broken no matter what; believes husband must be a good guy or I wouldn't have been with him in the first place. OM knows I love them both, and sometimes expresses concern that if husband discovered our relationship it would ruin chances for our getting back together - OM totally realizes that's a possibility and seems to only want me to be happy, even if that means I go back. He's honest in that he'd be devastated, but stresses that he's very strong, been through a lot, that I shouldn't think about that, should try to focus on what would make me truly happy. It's even more complicated since we're not just keeping this from my husband, we're keeping it from everyone at work.

[supermom]

what would you do if the tables were turned? What if you found out he had an OW. Would you want reconciliation?

 

Your husband deserves to know what is up. What is going to happen if you two get back together with this secret hanging over your marriage?

 

The right thing IMHO to do is tell your husband and either, #1, break it off with your OM if your husband wants to work through it. If you are not in love with your husband, divorce him. At least then he can start the healing process and move on.

 

IMHO your OMs feelings at this point is not as important as your husbands. Being an OM, he is #2 unless you make him #1. Stringing two men along will have to end, and thus, will make your life a little better.

 

Your husband is the one who took those vows with you, not your OM. You have a marriage to either work on or end. Its like the saying goes, sh*t or get off the pot. I'm not being judgemental, I am not judging you, but it's not just your feelings here, make it right with your husband, by either telling him or leaving him for good.

 

 

In fact, the OM is one of the only human beings I've known that seems to be capable of unconditional love. It makes me sad because I think my husband was stunted by his first marriage (very dysfunctional) and its end, where the OM seemed to 'grow' so much after his own first marriage (also of may years with kids, etc.) and evolve in a way I've not found very characteristic of men, in general.

 

 

Sadly to say, your husband's first marriage experience is repeating itself. If you have found your OM to be more capable of unconditional love and not your husband, then maybe he is the man for you, but make it right. Also though, you have never lived with your OM, and you don't really know what it is like. IMHO living with a man before marriage is like a test drive. Only then you really know if you can live with this man.

 

I'm sorry you're in such a dilemma. I know easier said than done, but it is something that has to be done. You wouldn't want this done to you, and karma sucks. I've had personall doses of karma and it hurts.

 

Good luck to you and all involved.

[Guest]

I think it would be a good idea to discuss with him whether or not you plan to get back together or not, and then to tell him about the om. He has a right to know, and to hear it from you, not from someone else. Unlike the general opinion, however, I don't think it is always necessarily the best thing to do in all situations. Good luck with everything.

[pitprincess]

Your married and you need to work on your marriage first.

You and your husband should seek help for your marriage, pray that you both can make one another happy.