Shattereddolly Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 but not new at being the OW. Am here because I'mat a crisis point where I have let the situation with MM affect me to the point I feel very unwell. The MM in my sitch is one of those "trapped amd tormented" between two lives in their mind.Forever caught between who they think they should be and who they want to be. So too am I. And can run the gamut - and do frequently - between "for God's sake, **** or get off the pot you egocentric , self pitying self serving ***hole to understanding and knowing his anguish is very real for him. And is a fight for his own sanity. (While sadly driving everyone crazy around him) My role in all this? I'm complicit. I love him. But I'm no martyr. And aware that I cant "save him". Nor him, me. I'm still around because.despite all, our rship isnt all about brokenness and sickness. And its not about deception anymore. I rang his wife. Its not a badge of any honour and my.motives werent pure. But its part of the truth of what Ive done in this 9 year affair.
buckeyeblue Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 Shattered - you sound so tired and so sad, like the last 9 years were a huge weight to you. You KNOW you need to be done with him. You can't "save" him; he is just dragging you down with him. Calling his wife was the first step. Now move on without him, take some time to heal, and find a healthier partner. 2
jwi71 Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 but not new at being the OW. Am here because I'mat a crisis point where I have let the situation with MM affect me to the point I feel very unwell. The MM in my sitch is one of those "trapped amd tormented" between two lives in their mind.Forever caught between who they think they should be and who they want to be. So too am I. And can run the gamut - and do frequently - between "for God's sake, **** or get off the pot you egocentric , self pitying self serving ***hole to understanding and knowing his anguish is very real for him. And is a fight for his own sanity. (While sadly driving everyone crazy around him) My role in all this? I'm complicit. I love him. But I'm no martyr. And aware that I cant "save him". Nor him, me. I'm still around because.despite all, our rship isnt all about brokenness and sickness. And its not about deception anymore. I rang his wife. Its not a badge of any honour and my.motives werent pure. But its part of the truth of what Ive done in this 9 year affair. So what are you looking for - I can't tell from your post which way you want this to go. I can't tell if he, after having his W informed by yourself, made a decision? Are you looking for support if he chooses you or are you looking for help if he lets you to stay M? What's the goal here?
ThatJustHappened Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 but not new at being the OW. Am here because I'mat a crisis point where I have let the situation with MM affect me to the point I feel very unwell. The MM in my sitch is one of those "trapped amd tormented" between two lives in their mind.Forever caught between who they think they should be and who they want to be. So too am I. And can run the gamut - and do frequently - between "for God's sake, **** or get off the pot you egocentric , self pitying self serving ***hole to understanding and knowing his anguish is very real for him. And is a fight for his own sanity. (While sadly driving everyone crazy around him) My role in all this? I'm complicit. I love him. But I'm no martyr. And aware that I cant "save him". Nor him, me. I'm still around because.despite all, our rship isnt all about brokenness and sickness. And its not about deception anymore. I rang his wife. Its not a badge of any honour and my.motives werent pure. But its part of the truth of what Ive done in this 9 year affair. You actually do sound shattered, and I'm sorry for your pain. But it's been 9 years. What's stopping him from leaving his marriage for you?
Summer Breeze Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 but not new at being the OW. Am here because I'mat a crisis point where I have let the situation with MM affect me to the point I feel very unwell. The MM in my sitch is one of those "trapped amd tormented" between two lives in their mind.Forever caught between who they think they should be and who they want to be. So too am I. And can run the gamut - and do frequently - between "for God's sake, **** or get off the pot you egocentric , self pitying self serving ***hole to understanding and knowing his anguish is very real for him. And is a fight for his own sanity. (While sadly driving everyone crazy around him) My role in all this? I'm complicit. I love him. But I'm no martyr. And aware that I cant "save him". Nor him, me. I'm still around because.despite all, our rship isnt all about brokenness and sickness. And its not about deception anymore. I rang his wife. Its not a badge of any honour and my.motives werent pure. But its part of the truth of what Ive done in this 9 year affair. I think you have a lot to tell us when you're ready. I can't imagine being in an A for 9 years. I can't imagine how tired and shattered you really are. There are so many people here who will support you. Be ready for the good and the bad. It all helps though. The bolded. Something I've noticed about telling the W/BS. It's seldom pure. Why would it be? You love someone and they hurt you. The hurt inflicted with a single blow or by years of being worn down. It's hurt no matter what. When you've had enough there's a need to hurt them too. Some of us don't act on it and some of us do. When you rang his W you weren't looking to hurt her, I'd say you were looking to make him pay. Telling the BS, from my observations, is seldom to do with them. It's to do with hurting the one who wasn't supposed to hurt you. Just like he wasn't supposed to hurt them. I'm a believer in the BS having the truth so I don't really care why you did it. Don't beat yourself up for your motives. You ended it and you let her know. He will hopefully be tossed aside by her too but you never know. Do all the normal stuff with a break up. Go out with friends, dye your hair, spend time with your family, take up a new hobby -- maybe voodoo dolls made to look like him! Distract and distance yourself. And come in here. 2
Author Shattereddolly Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 (edited) Well.firstly i wanted to put my story down in black and white and out loud so I'm somehow more accountable, hear other perspectives beside the mindnumbingness of the endless loop in my head. My goal? To stop this insanity. MM won't. So as I've probably been avoiding all along.... - I'm the only one who can take charge of my life. Bummer. Edited January 16, 2013 by Shattereddolly Typo
skylarblue Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 So, did you tell his W in order for him to make a choice? In order for her to end the M so you two could be together? As a way to end the A? Are you looking for support/advice because the R is ending or continuing? I'm sorry that you're hurting and that I don't have any advice to offer as of now, but the good thing I can say is that your goal of stopping the insanity is totally attainable. Even better is that you don't need his help, blessings, or permission to reach it. 1
ThatJustHappened Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 Well.firstly i wanted to put my story down in black and white and out loud so I'm somehow more accountable, hear other perspectives beside the mindnumbingness of the endless loop in my head. My goal? To stop this insanity. MM won't. So as I've probably been avoiding all along.... - I'm the only one who can take charge of my life. Bummer. I hear you on that..I wish I could hire a Svengali to take over mine and just shut my brain off! But sadly, we can't..so it's up to you. It's been 9 years. He's not leaving..and you keep just giving him exactly what he wants, which is both you and his wife. Time to walk away. Best of luck.
Author Shattereddolly Posted January 20, 2013 Author Posted January 20, 2013 ive been reading here vorociously for days. I dont know quite even how to.convey what im trying.to express yet even at the risk of sounding completely off beam, guileless or simpleminded and being ridiculed I have just had the most sickening realisation ive been involved with someone who has a genuine personality disorder. i.need to justify that im an otherwise sane rational thinker and i know i can hear myself and know i must sound like a dick. it was 9 years not 9 months after all. But i feel scared and desperate enough to put it.out there and trust that someone just may understand what im trying to convey. like suddenly im seeing the trees for the forest . and as frightening as it is - i know that my railing and screaming inside and waking up in the night is actually my rational self
Author Shattereddolly Posted January 20, 2013 Author Posted January 20, 2013 that the one person ive talked to every day for all this time - feels in this sense a stranger. coz hes a stranger to himself in a fundamental way i can see. and damn that feels as sad and bad as anything in all this
Summer Breeze Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 that the one person ive talked to every day for all this time - feels in this sense a stranger. coz hes a stranger to himself in a fundamental way i can see. and damn that feels as sad and bad as anything in all this Hello Dolly. I couldn't resist it! Enough with the levity. Get your story put out. Be prepared for some harsh judgement and some cutting remarks but also be prepared for the people who will be totally honest but do it so you'll want to read what they say and it won't scare you. We've all been hurt and we all are vocal about sharing our own experiences and what we think will help you. This place is a treasure chest once you open it up and take a look inside. 5
Author Shattereddolly Posted February 10, 2013 Author Posted February 10, 2013 till now. It's still hard to really talk about in any concrete, specific terms. In some ways there isn't much need to either. My story albeit about two individuals has still pretty gone along the conventional (and largely predictable ) lines of an EMA. I sent this email to xMM this evening.( I know ) It pretty much says it all anyway. And I sound whiny, petty, bitter, vengeful with a bunch of sour grapes thrown in. But Pffttt... it's done. And I'm not feeling the need to beat myself up for it. to wit: <<<<<So you really won't ever be speaking to me ever again Ever? I served what purpose I was to have in your life? Looks like you'll be okay without me in your life after all. Who knows. That may have been just more talk I'm feeling okay. Each passing week does get a little easier. u'd want to know. Seeing you use to forever worry whether I was going to be too hot/cold. So maybe - even now - my mental well being may be of passing interest to you. If for no other reason, you'll know I'll eventually move on completely I won't have to lay in bed at nights , crying, missing you, craving you , feeling confused that you'd choose living your life in semi solitude, (downstairs) with someone (upstairs) who was more "like a flatmate or a sister" to you... a living death, broken only by a (usually on a nightly basis) domestic row. Which would be diligently (but always reluctantly ) reported to me the next morning when we'd speak. Do you ever cringe at the stuff you told me for years XXXXX?? I cringe that I listened to it for so long. Enjoy the party. I know you've got plenty coming up. Dance card is pretty full. I was given your past year or so itinerary <when I had spoken with his wife recently> - you did a good job. I didn't get a hint. You covered your tracks when you'd speak to me frightening well. And also for the next few months busy, busy hey?! Culminating in your XXXXXXXXXX trip when you and your wife will be off 'doing your own thing' after the conference. Bon Voyage! It'll be shades of the XXXXX holiday for you both all over again! ps (Hey?! didn't you get dragged into that trip as well??!)>>>>>> The truth is I am actually am feeling better each week. The first couple of weeks. I really felt like I'd been told he had died. And I don't say that lightly. It really did feel like that. And even now I still feel winded and short of breath and a bit panicky when I think of stuff about us. I did get some anti depressants. What the hell.....I can function. And they've helped with feeling obsessive and out of control. Don't know that there's any medal for doing it without some sort of crutch?
Author Shattereddolly Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 my original post (see above) and started a new thread with it
JamesM Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 As always when I read these threads, it makes me sad. I am a MM who has not been in an affair, and when I read threads such as yours, it motivates me to avoid it at all costs. I cannot be the one who would cause a woman such as yourself this kind of pain. And it makes me mad that some guy would do this to you. As was said, I am sure you will tell us all that happened when you are ready. Please know that there are many caring and understanding people here to help you pick up the pieces. Yes, you will get some critical comments, but they usually are meant with good intentions and are posted without realizing the hurt they portray. However, most everyone will be glad to comfort you and bring you through this no matter what you decide. Welcome to LS, and I hope you find what you are looking for and need.
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