Anyone HELP!

[viv5]

Hello people,

 

After giving it a thought, I kinda realised its time I have to share it with someone and see if I can get an insight on the matter.

My problem is that 2 years ago I fell in love with this wonderful stranger who had come to his home country to attend a friend's wedding. During his few days visit we had a lot of fun together and fell in love with each other. Though we were intimate, I did not sleep with him back then. He went back to his new country and carried on with his life and so did I. Though we kept in touch with each other everyday, I was swept away from my feet like nothing else. Things rolled for us and he proposed. Before going back when we first met, he had told me how he was separated and was pursuing a divorce because his ex wife had 'mental issues'. They were married for only a few months, he told me and I, may be I was blinded, took it very lightly.

He came back one year after and we went out for a month before getting married. After marriage too things were perfect and we applied for my visa so that I could join him where he lives. the procedure is however very long and my papers are still under process. I started living with his family after marriage in his home country (mine too). He left to his new country after 20 days of the marriage.

Now the thing is I left my job before the marriage to arrange for our wedding and I had thought about joining it back, but he always told me the visa procedure will not take so much of time and I am still waiting (its been 11 months). As I live in the same house with his parents (they are very sweet and nice though) I however came across a few things from his previous marriage which they had saved perfectly. Initially it didn't matter to me, but with time I kept seeing more things that started bugging me. His ex-wife's wedding dresses, their wedding cards, intimate pictures, so many wedding albums (speaking of which we did not even get ONE printed as yet), wedding DVDs, her clothes, bags and stuff... I couldn't stop myself from looking at them and I did see the wedding albums and it shattered my heart to see them kissing and affectionate with each other.

Then his mom told me how much money they had spent on his first wedding and bought thousands of $ worth of jewlery for his ex wife. I never gave it a thought untill I actually did. They never bought anything for me and neither spent anything on our wedding. Though its a very materialistic thinking, but then I started comparing. Am I just a cheap substitute he thought he could get? Is my love taken for granted and I really don't think I deserve any of that.

 

May be I grew so jealous that I checked his facebook Timeline and saw how much 'in love' he was with her before and after their marriage. My sister-in-law told me a few things about her and him together and it changed what I felt for him. I still love him very much, but somehow I feel my innocence died.

During one of his visits home, I checked his facebook inbox (as he told me there's nothing in it and I could do that) and read through all the conversations between him and his ex-wife 4-5 years back. It seems to me that he loved her more than he can love anyone else in his life. They were not only in love, they were best friends and had many dreams and aspirations together. He even bought a new house in his new country for her because she didnt wanna live in a rental accomodation where they lived together as a married couple till she left him and which she had decorated with things they bought together. I feel betrayed because I feel he did not portray the right image in front of me (telling me she was mental and had anger issues, he left out all the good part) and always told me 'what he has been through because of her' and seek sympathy and love with that. I however feel I am worth someone's unconditional love and respect, where they would treat me the way I deserve, which I really don't think is the case here. I have done nothing wrong in this relationship, been true to him more than anyone can ever be and treat his elders like my own.

Then I found out a new thing- I was deeply in love with my husband throughout 2011, which was a long distance year, and from his facebook what I saw was that he not only flirted with many women online, but also inquired about 'my character' though some of the common people we know. May be he was assuring that he was marrying the right woman this time, but it kinda broke my trust because he inquired about me just a month before we were to get married! He also had chats with his friends where he discussed how broken he was after he separation (even though he always told me how much he loved me and couldn't be more happy) and never told anyone that he was seeing me in 2011. After we got married, his friends asked him how it happened and he told them that our marriage was 'arranged' and that he didn't know me well.

 

 

Looking at all those flirtatious and hurtful messages on facebook I have developed this feeling that he did not love me the way he said he did or do, he lied. May be he even cheated on me. I have been such a fool marrying someone I thought loved me the same way I did. I never gave any thought to him being a divorced as what I felt for him was much more important to me than these things.

 

Not only I married him, I am also 6 weeks pregnant with our first child. I have lost the will to be happy and think where i should on the top of the world at the moment. He is very excited about having a baby with me, but from inside I feel sick, betrayed and very jealous of the woman who was his first wife and with whom he probably had dreamt of all these things before.

 

Its gonna be our anniversary next month, and may be I will get my visa before that but the fear of moving to the house which he had bought for his first true love, where he and his first wife together built hopes and dreams as a married couple scares the hell out of me.

 

I am not even sure if I wanna have this baby or I should deal with my issues first. I feel hopeless and feel that not only I lost control of my life, but my body too....I looked up online and realised that may be I am going in Depression and that may be I need therapy. Every time I tell him that I need to speak with a professional, he never understands me. He never understands that I may be in pain and trouble and tells me to think otherwise.

I really don't know how to go about it. :'(

[darkmoon]

he was probably in cloud cuckoo land, younger wth his first wife, sillier with wild extravagance, anybody on your side, yes on your side, can see that the relics of his past need to be boxed up and/or chucked out, i'd be feeling upset too, discuss it all with him

 

i did have a boyf with a dead ex, he'd visit her grave now and again/yearly, but we both knew in out intuituion that the ex, from beyond, gave us her blessing, she wasn't wating for him. Who he wants waiting for him or who will wait for him if you die first (sorry but death is a reality) will tell you where you figure in his life now, probably full on, better to move home though, which is not the end of the world if you both want each other full on, or maybe he's lazy but loveable so he won't

Edited January 15, 2013 by darkmoon

[dreamingoftigers]

You gotta talk to this guy.

 

Seriously.

 

My take: he rushed this and didn't want to look like a fool that rushes things in front of his friends.

 

My take 2: the ex-wife 4 or 5 years ago could have been Martha Stewart in Jenna Jameson's body, at this point he'll only remember being skewered and burnt from the divorce. He wasn't going to throw as much $ into your wedding because he did that once and it bit him in the ass.

 

Sort it long before the child comes.

 

Usually I am not so charitable to men and how they deal with their wives.

[Turtles]

I would say first don't dig up the past... He loves you now is what matters, right? Of course he was in love with his ex wife at one point or they would not have gotten married... I was in love with my ex wife too, but happy to be rid of her now, lol! And my fiancee now had SO much stuff saved from her first wedding, though she ended up sending most of it back to her ex husband or throwing it away while we were dating, but she still saved things like the wedding dress, some albums, etc. It is still part of her past, I would not want her to pretend it never existed and there was no happiness in her life before me (although we do plan to sell or donate the wedding dress at some point, if I don't get around to burning it before that, lol). Would you want to marry a person who married someone else even though they were not in love with them and were not happy with them and dreaming of their future together? That would not say much about their character. Now it's up to you 2 to build happy memories together.

 

The bit about "arranged marriage" I would bring up, if he did indeed tell you it was OK to look at his facebook messages, maybe he can clear that one up for you because it sounds a bit strange. I got a bit confused in the visa application part of your post but it sounds like you are the one who is immigrating so it's not like he's getting a green card out of marrying you.

 

I don't know about the part about them giving more to the first wife. But yes maybe after giving so much the first time they wanted to be a bit more reserved this time. Or maybe their financial situation has changed. Or maybe the ex is the one who wanted the extravagant wedding and demanded all these other things and that's why ultimately he dumped her greedy ass? Lol. But if you have good communication with him you could try and bring it up.

 

Finally, I'm sure you know that the hormones during pregnancy are a bit messed up and it will affect your judgement, especially in the first trimester while they are ramping up, so don't do anything rash at this time. My fiancee just had our first baby and even though she is normally level headed she had a lot of mood swings in the first trimester and ended up depressed for most of the pregnancy. Unfortunately (and I realize it's easy for me to say as a man) it's part of the game. Hopefully your husband can understand that part and be supportive. Though it must be so hard doing that through a long distance relationship. Avoid anti-depressant even if your doctor suggests them and says they are safe for the baby! She took anti depressant at the doctor's recommendation and they were at least part of the reason she had a pre-term delivery (baby is OK now thankfully but it could have been much worse). Try and eat well and exercise (not too hard) because those are natural anti depressant.

 

It's a hard situation having to deal with the pregnancy by yourself. If you are immigrating to the States then I hate to tell you this but it can take several years, depending on which country you are coming from, especially if he is not a citizen yet. I guess he can't come back and live in his home country instead until you get your visa? Probably hard one to accomplish and keep his job, and selling the house to come back is not that easy either...

 

Good luck, I wish you the best, and congratulations on your pregnancy.

[viv5]

I would say first don't dig up the past... He loves you now is what matters, right? Of course he was in love with his ex wife at one point or they would not have gotten married... I was in love with my ex wife too, but happy to be rid of her now, lol! And my fiancee now had SO much stuff saved from her first wedding, though she ended up sending most of it back to her ex husband or throwing it away while we were dating, but she still saved things like the wedding dress, some albums, etc. It is still part of her past, I would not want her to pretend it never existed and there was no happiness in her life before me (although we do plan to sell or donate the wedding dress at some point, if I don't get around to burning it before that, lol). Would you want to marry a person who married someone else even though they were not in love with them and were not happy with them and dreaming of their future together? That would not say much about their character. Now it's up to you 2 to build happy memories together.

 

The bit about "arranged marriage" I would bring up, if he did indeed tell you it was OK to look at his facebook messages, maybe he can clear that one up for you because it sounds a bit strange. I got a bit confused in the visa application part of your post but it sounds like you are the one who is immigrating so it's not like he's getting a green card out of marrying you.

 

I don't know about the part about them giving more to the first wife. But yes maybe after giving so much the first time they wanted to be a bit more reserved this time. Or maybe their financial situation has changed. Or maybe the ex is the one who wanted the extravagant wedding and demanded all these other things and that's why ultimately he dumped her greedy ass? Lol. But if you have good communication with him you could try and bring it up.

 

Finally, I'm sure you know that the hormones during pregnancy are a bit messed up and it will affect your judgement, especially in the first trimester while they are ramping up, so don't do anything rash at this time. My fiancee just had our first baby and even though she is normally level headed she had a lot of mood swings in the first trimester and ended up depressed for most of the pregnancy. Unfortunately (and I realize it's easy for me to say as a man) it's part of the game. Hopefully your husband can understand that part and be supportive. Though it must be so hard doing that through a long distance relationship. Avoid anti-depressant even if your doctor suggests them and says they are safe for the baby! She took anti depressant at the doctor's recommendation and they were at least part of the reason she had a pre-term delivery (baby is OK now thankfully but it could have been much worse). Try and eat well and exercise (not too hard) because those are natural anti depressant.

 

It's a hard situation having to deal with the pregnancy by yourself. If you are immigrating to the States then I hate to tell you this but it can take several years, depending on which country you are coming from, especially if he is not a citizen yet. I guess he can't come back and live in his home country instead until you get your visa? Probably hard one to accomplish and keep his job, and selling the house to come back is not that easy either...

 

Good luck, I wish you the best, and congratulations on your pregnancy.

 

Thank you Turtles for your great wisdom. That induced a bit of hope in me. About the 'arranged marriage' thing, i had asked him and he said he doesn't remember why he said it and told me to forget about it as it doesn't matter anymore. Well at times i think he is too bitter with his past and doesn't believe in his choices as much as he once did may be. It is my first marriage and you know every girl hopes for a fairytale wedding no matter what we say and I settled for less just because I valued our love more than these things. But then it feels funny and sad when I realise may be I have been a fool to settle? I saw some of the divorce settlements where he bought her an expensive wedding ring and all I got was not even 1/50th of what went to her. I am not sure what I feel is right or wrong. Should I compare? The love I was sticking to, does it even exist?