stevie_23 Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 Now, I know most of you (and I’m the same) will consider any positives about no longer being in that particular relationship are NOT stronger than the negatives, but still…let’s make an effort to try to see anything positive, anything at all! So…in my situation…for those who don’t know (based on my many blabber-worthy posts and threads around here this past week), I was in an almost 2 year LDR (online / text / phone only) with a married man. I also have a long term relationship of my own in “real life”. My ex had 4 D-days, where his wife found out about us. After the second one, our time together was a bit more restricted as he had to be more careful, and after the third one, our time was greatly restricted. After the fourth one? Over. So…good points about no longer being in that relationship… I don’t have to feel constantly on edge and worried about his wife finding out againI don’t have to feel frequently irritated / angry / threatened / insecure about why he hadn’t texted or emailed me at any given timeI don’t have to go out of my way anymore to get on the computer at odd hours when his wife would go out unexpectedly and he wanted to chat with me (I ALWAYS wanted to chat with him too of course, and it was more than worth it, but even so…it was an inconvenience at times)I don’t have to constantly be aware of what time it is where he is (14-15 hour time difference to where I am)I don’t have to feel guilty and secretive about my own relationship in “real life” anymoreI don’t have to spend several hours each day uploading the many videos I’d filmed for himI don’t have to long for someone I know I’ll only ever be able to have part time, and never in personThese are small consolations, but…they are positives, at least. Anyone else?
FailedFirstLove Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 - I won't have to act like a mother anymore! telling him what he should be doing and how to split his time! - wont have to worry about him not texting or calling - wont have to worry about his weird family - don't have to feel insecure about him leaving. Since his left - don't have to deal with people saying his not self motivating - wont have to think how the futures gonna be. Paying for everything - dot have to be hurt when he rather game than spend time with me - don't need to see crap all over his fb. - don't have to stick up for him when he wakes up at 4 in the afternoon.doesnt even work or go anywhere. Just sleeps! - can go anywhere with anyone without worrying. This exercise made me think of things i miss too damn 1
Author stevie_23 Posted January 15, 2013 Author Posted January 15, 2013 Oh dammit, I’m sorry. That wasn’t the intention. Lol For every bad point, there may well be an equivalent or similar good point to the relationship. With me, although I got annoyed at having to get online at 9.30pm when ideally I’d be winding down for bed, at the same time, I miss having something to look forward to SO much every (or most) nights. So out of my list of stuff, the 2 things that bring me the most relief (not happiness, but relief) are firstly, the fact I don’t have to feel guilty (like ACTIVELY guilty I mean. I will always feel guilty though) about lying and hiding this from my real life partner, and secondly, that I don’t have to always be terrified of his wife finding out. If I didn’t hear from him when I half expected to, I’d freak out. I’d be shaking, crying, and couldn’t sleep or eat, just so worried. When I DID hear from him, it was like a miracle. It was a constant roller coaster and I developed such a fear (a phobia even) to his wife finding out, because it happened so many times.
FailedFirstLove Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 Oh dammit, I’m sorry. That wasn’t the intention. Lol For every bad point, there may well be an equivalent or similar good point to the relationship. With me, although I got annoyed at having to get online at 9.30pm when ideally I’d be winding down for bed, at the same time, I miss having something to look forward to SO much every (or most) nights. So out of my list of stuff, the 2 things that bring me the most relief (not happiness, but relief) are firstly, the fact I don’t have to feel guilty (like ACTIVELY guilty I mean. I will always feel guilty though) about lying and hiding this from my real life partner, and secondly, that I don’t have to always be terrified of his wife finding out. If I didn’t hear from him when I half expected to, I’d freak out. I’d be shaking, crying, and couldn’t sleep or eat, just so worried. When I DID hear from him, it was like a miracle. It was a constant roller coaster and I developed such a fear (a phobia even) to his wife finding out, because it happened so many times. OMG that rush of emotion!!!!! I know EXCATLY how that feels!!! I was long distance for a couple years too. Not so far lol an hour plane trip. puts you on a roller coaster Everytime. especially when his out at night and can't even be bothered to say I'm doing great be back in an hour. I don't miss that. I miss More when he was down here.when he did go out I had the biggest fear of seeing Facebook. Where he was tagged somewhere and ddnt bother telling me. and he told me he was gonna be elsewhere. Always had heart attacks and constant fear!
Author stevie_23 Posted January 15, 2013 Author Posted January 15, 2013 Wow, that’d just SUCK! I never had any issues or fears about where my ex was or who he was with or what he was doing. I was only scared about his wife finding out. If he didn’t text me good morning or didn’t text when he got home from work, logically I knew it was because his wife was home so he couldn’t, but still, I’d worry she’d found out and I’d sometimes wonder why he hadn’t texted me when I knew his wife was out. I’d get angry (this is more in the earlier days before I developed that fear about his wife, and he tended to text me a lot even when she was home) and it’d turn out he’d just lost track of time and was in the middle of a new song in his home studio. I’d feel insulted and hurt, like “why weren’t you even THINKING of me?!” and yet sometimes in the afternoons (his very early morning, with the time difference), if I was working on a new song in MY studio, I didn’t even have my phone in the room with me! Double standards? Yes indeed. One main thing that can encompass quite a lot of other positive factors about not being in this relationship is…expectations. Not too many things make you feel worse than having unmet emotional / love-related expectations. Expectations create pressure. And resentment at times.
arrowfoot Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 That sounds like a lot of multitasking. I don't think I could ever enjoy being the other woman only because I'd feel constantly hypervigilant, worrying about all the things you mentioned. Any positives about being newly single? Oh dear, I guess: -Not having to shave my legs everyday. Hear me out: I don't have a man and every one I see I have no desire for so, yeah. No skirts/dresses anyway because I really don't want any sort of attention. Rather fade into the background until I cheer up. -This strange, yet liberating, feeling of not being "attached" or associated with another person; as if he had become part of how I knew myself and conducted myself. Part of my identity. Which brings me to... -I finally became motivated to begin taking dance classes! I'd been wanting to for months but, I guess the relationship distracted me more than supported me. I felt that as long as I had him and our dreams I'd never have to focus on myself. -I've decided to look for a new job and printed out new resumes. My task for the weekend, so that I don't think about him as much, is to look for a job. -I feel like I've been going back in forth the past two weeks between feeling alone and frightened to liberated. I really feel I can do whatever I want when I want. The relationship ending used to be my worst fear. I'd lose my best companion, spooning at night, having a date to take to events; but since that fear materialized I feel a bit fearless. -I think about how much of a catch I'm gonna be after I give myself some TLC. I'll be able to attract an even better guy if I'm more confident in myself and fulfilled in life. -Hmm and not feeling frustrated when he would just space out when I was upset. That was cathartic!! Good post.
brokengirl3 Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 - I won't have to act like a mother anymore! telling him what he should be doing and how to split his time! - wont have to worry about him not texting or calling - don't have to deal with people saying his not self motivating - wont have to think how the futures gonna be. Paying for everything - don't have to stick up for him when he wakes up at 4 in the afternoon.doesnt even work or go anywhere. Just sleeps! SAME POINTS dear i really feel you!We had the same kind of ex!
FailedFirstLove Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 SAME POINTS dear i really feel you!We had the same kind of ex! =( we will have to get there one day. There not going to improve so their not any good as future husbands!
brokengirl3 Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 i know exactly what you mean!My ex never had a real job and of course he was sleeping all day or relaxing playing games at home!Of course i was paying for everything!
jovan Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 Well my ex is so lazy that she's got a remote control just to operate her remote. I was studying and working in the same time while she was just sitting back home playing games, not even moving her ass to prepare us something. And I was okay with that, telling her to relax and not to worry about it. I guess she really didn't lol. Am dead inside
brokengirl3 Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 Well done Jovan:P!!!We were so stupid!Ok im still stupid since i still want him back!whatever!
KatZee Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 I honestly say this to everyone I talk to my ex about... The best thing my ex ever did was dump me. The way he had me so insecure in the relationship... I would have stayed with him. Despite him cheating, lying, putting everything and anything above me, allowing his friends to disrespect me. I loved him that much where I stayed and would have continued to stay and try to make us work. I would have gone down with that ship and I almost did. The best gift he ever gave me was dumping me. Setting me free. My life did a complete 180 after ending with him. I'm confident now. More independent. I've gotten back in touch with my friends. I DO things now. Not just what he had wanted to do, but what I want to do. I've reclaimed my self worth. I've realized what an amazing girlfriend I was and what a great catch I am. My entire life changed for the better since leaving that relationship. I realize how completely unhealthy it was, how unhappy I was, how unappreciated I was, how he walked all over me and treated me however he saw fit. How he emotionally abused me, twisted everything to be my fault, made me feel worthless and insignificant. How he made me walk on egg shells always. How he destroyed who I was as a person. I was a shell. A hollow empty human being. I see nothing negative about being away from him but a world of positive.
Toddbt12y1 Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 I am thankful for the peace I now have and no worries.
Keenly Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 - I don't have to come home thinking "What argument is she going to start this time?" - I can text whoever I want without her jumping on my back and demanding to go through my phone. - My life has so much more rationality in it now." - I can go out whenever I'd like without some one nagging at me that I "might be cheating." - I don't have to have the EXACT SAME ARGUMENT every 2 weeks. - I just feel like a better, stronger person than I was before, however I do feel empty inside.
Recommended Posts