Counselling

[LostOne1]

So I went to see a counsellor today.

 

Meeting was a bit short this time around, but has been updated for next week for an hr session.

 

Basically I was told it's GOOD to write all your feelings in a notebook. I was told to write out how I feel about the loss of my ex and loss of my grandma each of them 3 times a week in the note book. So 6 writing sessions with myself just getting it all out of my system.

 

Other than that luckily LOL he said what im going through is normal and it happens. I guess now he's just gonna guide me in a way to get through the last tough part. Normally I'd never share what im going through in person or even with a counsellor. But I thought what the hell why not? What's the worst that can happen? better chances that things will be better getting some feedback from someone, who knows this stuff well.

 

My sessions are free, so if you can get free ones I say go for it. It felt good to let it out and have someone KNOW what I am going through. He's been in the same spot once for sure and explained the exact stuff I was going through.. I guess the hardest part is just getting out of it.

[stevie_23]

Good for you!

 

I’ve considered counselling too, but I sort of know what will happen and I don’t want to go down that path, so I haven’t done it.

 

My situation is much more complicated than just my current feelings about my ex and our breakup. We were having an affair, he left me suddenly and it hurt me enormously. But the counsellor is going to focus more (after a while anyway) on…

 

- Why I was having an affair in the first place

- Whether I have sexual issues cause I’ve always thought I was gay until I got together with my ex, who is a man

- How I feel about myself, do I have low self esteem in order to accept being “second best” in an affair situation and what I should do about my real life partner if I’m not in love with her anymore

 

And a whole bunch of other stuff I just don’t want to deal with. Right now all I’d want to talk about would be my ex and how I feel about him and the relationship, and I know it’d be steered in those other directions sooner rather than later.

[LostOne1]

Good for you!

 

I’ve considered counselling too, but I sort of know what will happen and I don’t want to go down that path, so I haven’t done it.

 

My situation is much more complicated than just my current feelings about my ex and our breakup. We were having an affair, he left me suddenly and it hurt me enormously. But the counsellor is going to focus more (after a while anyway) on…

 

- Why I was having an affair in the first place

- Whether I have sexual issues cause I’ve always thought I was gay until I got together with my ex, who is a man

- How I feel about myself, do I have low self esteem in order to accept being “second best” in an affair situation and what I should do about my real life partner if I’m not in love with her anymore

 

And a whole bunch of other stuff I just don’t want to deal with. Right now all I’d want to talk about would be my ex and how I feel about him and the relationship, and I know it’d be steered in those other directions sooner rather than later.

I don't know my counsellor stuck on the topics I wanted to talk about. I didn't have a problem with anything really. I guess it depends on the counsellor. My friends talked to me today too and seem worried for me. I guess they realized I am talking or thinking too much about my ex and it shows I might have not moved on yet. I guess they want me to move on and they say the same stuff others have said her.

 

Who cares what she thinks? Anything related to her doesn't matter... move on.

I guess I will say after running into her I do care somewhat of what she thinks. I guess I just want her to either feel the pain of losing me and seeing me with someone else now. Or just knowing she made a mistake or even a simple sorry and I'd be okay. I guess I just want to know that she hurts too or that she hasn't fully moved on too. Or that there is no other guy, because there is no major proof yet besides the guy liking all her stuff on FB.

 

I guess I rather know that I was thrown away for a good reason than just tossed away because I wasnt good enough.

 

The sad part is in my last 2 relationships both girls left me and both of them had found another guy quickly and are now married to these guys they left me for. So I guess I feel the same pain thinking if my current ex has left me, she might be with this new guy and married and once again I lose.

 

My counsellor did say he notices I am a VERY strong person in the sense of love. That I really care and nurture a relationship and it's a quality a lot of guys don't have these days. I guess it's sad, because my ex seemed like the type out of all my ex's that seemed to have the nurture type of person towards a relationship. I just wish I knew what blew a fuse in her to make such drastic changes.

 

In some ways I DO want to find someone else. I kinda feel like I am at the point where I want to be with someone else. Not as a rebound, but I feel I made some mistakes and I want to love someone else and not make the same ones.

[na49]

If I'm as bad as I am right now in a few months, I'll definitely need to consider one. I want to get over this already. Being heart broken sucks.

[stevie_23]

IT SURE DOES!!!

 

I have seen a counsellor before in my life, back when I was 19, for anger issues. I went once, felt SO uncomfortable I didn’t go back. I’d need the person to be totally on my wavelength to even feel remotely comfortable opening up. I am very private, except online and with people I am attracted to and very close to and who I WANT to know all about me. But no one else.

[FailedFirstLove]

I'm considering one now... There's times when I cannot handle it anymore! It can't hurt to try. If what they say doesn't help then oh wells back to dealing it my way. And it's nice to talk about it. I just hate being judged. but I can't deal with myself anymore. And I need a way of dealing with panic! Everytime I hear about my ex I panic like I'm on fire!

[stevie_23]

You fear being judged? Why would you be judged, my friend?

[FailedFirstLove]

You fear being judged? Why would you be judged, my friend?

 

I guess I know that during the relationship I was demanding and having it my way alot. And when I tell people they will see that. I'm not sying I'm not wrong to be that way because I am. But it's mistakes that I don't feel good about myself. I wish to forget and not do again

[stevie_23]

The best way to avoid behaving in ways you consider result in “mistakes” or not ideal actions, is to work out why you felt the way you did that caused you to behave that way in the first place, and then you can try to work through those feelings and come out the other side, gradually and progressively, as a happier person, who in turn will make less mistakes in the future.

 

If you were demanding, why do you feel that was? I could be very demanding too and it came from insecurity, fear of losing him, and the underlying feeling I was never enough for him, that he couldn’t love me enough cause I wasn’t good enough. (he never made me feel this way though. It was just in me from before.)

 

Did your ex make you feel bad about how you behaved at times? Mine never really did. When I was demanding and greedy for his time, he said he needed me to be because it showed him I really needed him. When I was demanding in more negative ways that strained our relationship, he said he understood where it was coming from and never wanted me to change or have to be different or hold myself back in our relationship. When I behaved selfishly and it would negatively affect him, he’d tell me plainly and say I was being selfish (which I knew already, deep down). He was good to me, my ex. He was better to me than I was to him, while we were together. Pity he broke up with me so hurtfully though, lol. Ruined his good track record quite a bit.

[FailedFirstLove]

The best way to avoid behaving in ways you consider result in “mistakes” or not ideal actions, is to work out why you felt the way you did that caused you to behave that way in the first place, and then you can try to work through those feelings and come out the other side, gradually and progressively, as a happier person, who in turn will make less mistakes in the future.

 

If you were demanding, why do you feel that was? I could be very demanding too and it came from insecurity, fear of losing him, and the underlying feeling I was never enough for him, that he couldn’t love me enough cause I wasn’t good enough. (he never made me feel this way though. It was just in me from before.)

 

Did your ex make you feel bad about how you behaved at times? Mine never really did. When I was demanding and greedy for his time, he said he needed me to be because it showed him I really needed him. When I was demanding in more negative ways that strained our relationship, he said he understood where it was coming from and never wanted me to change or have to be different or hold myself back in our relationship. When I behaved selfishly and it would negatively affect him, he’d tell me plainly and say I was being selfish (which I knew already, deep down). He was good to me, my ex. He was better to me than I was to him, while we were together. Pity he broke up with me so hurtfully though, lol. Ruined his good track record quite a bit.

 

That really helps thanks. Thinkin about it. At the beginning he let me get away with everything. I wouldn't demand anything but he would ask me what do you want I'm fine with anything. Then it would go my way. Later on he wouldn't really ask. so I wanted to tell him more of what I wanted. And yes I security is for sure. I was scared of losing him. I was scared that he would go further and further away. probably because at times I felt that way. When I was close to other people he wasnt as important to me.

by the time I realized he wasn't happy with my decisions sometimes it was too late. I was willinging to go half way. But he was frustrated that it still had to go my way and never his. he didnt even want to go halves at all.

 

In the beginning I give it him for sure. Patience and suppressing anger. then he became the centre. Breaking up when it got too much and he felt pressured. He never wanted any pressure! He didn't want to study or find jobs. he would just say it pressures him. Even when I made a deal with him that he can play his games but do an hour of job applications. Then play entire night. But he would just refuse and get annoyed. Was I wrong or too demanding? I wanted him to feel good about himself. Get bak on his feet

[stevie_23]

Hmm. Sometimes with men they feel emasculated when their girlfriend tries to take control or “help” them in their lives. They need to decide to do it for themselves and not after being prodded or “encouraged” by anyone else, let alone their own partner. They think differently from women, some of the time, see.

 

Also a lot of guys can’t deal with pressure. It’s a common thing. They back off and withdraw when their girlfriend pressures them in any way at all. They back off when they feel smothered or controlled. They can’t take it. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you, but it can mean they’re not happy.

[FailedFirstLove]

Hmm. Sometimes with men they feel emasculated when their girlfriend tries to take control or “help” them in their lives. They need to decide to do it for themselves and not after being prodded or “encouraged” by anyone else, let alone their own partner. They think differently from women, some of the time, see.

 

Also a lot of guys can’t deal with pressure. It’s a common thing. They back off and withdraw when their girlfriend pressures them in any way at all. They back off when they feel smothered or controlled. They can’t take it. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you, but it can mean they’re not happy.

 

Yep I can see what you mean. but it's too late now. He was overwhelmed and has backed off.i don't think the feeling will go away even secrety i hope he will call me and tell me he still loves me and Is willibging to work on it. It's been about a month. I'm trying to accept it and live my life going to take awhile but I'm trying!!

[stevie_23]

I know. All we can do is try. Just try to do the best we can and be happy somehow.

 

My ex told me he will always love me and that I am his only true “wife”, and yet, he still feels he can’t be with me. So sometimes even if your ex still loves you it still isn’t enough to make it work.