ja123 Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 I broke up with him almost five years ago (we'd been together for 8). Every year, since then, around the holidays he or his brother send an email greeting to me and my family (whom he hated). It was a bad relationship ... very bad. This year I heard from his brother and a wrote a quick note to update him on my grandmother's situation (she's now in residence), as their mother usually calls her at Easter. (Incidentally, I saw his mother of whom I'm still fond once last year - in was a way of taking ownership of my own story, if you will.) So my Ex wrote me an email this past weekend in response to that. He said in his email that he didn't want to talk about the dark times, but maybe we could laugh over some of the good and bad times over a coffee. He is with someone now and things are going well. It's not that I never wish to lay eyes on him again, but I'm terribly busy and must keep my eye on the ball. I've made a lot of peace within myself over these last few years. In a lot of ways I've forgiven him (as I have forgiven my mother), but I have not forgotten. Why on earth does he want to see me do you think? What pitfalls might await me if I do see him?
TaraMaiden Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 To be honest with you, in your position, I'd write, thank him for the invitation, but tell him that you see no point. You can't separate the good from the bad, because one seamlessly wove into the other.... so while you see how he might think it's a fun idea to just "laugh about some of the good...." You really don't even want to consider thinking about the bad, because inevitably, they include the dark times too. Thanks, but let's just leave things as they are." Is what I would tell him. And that's all the reason you need to give.
mortensorchid Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 Based on your short description and eliminating the terrible things (which you are certainly aluding to), I wouldn't. The emailing once a year is alright maybe, you don't have true contact with something like that. Life goes on, things change for the better and worse, we move on, mostly because we have no choice but to do so. I would wonder why he would want to see you after all this time? Did he say?
Author ja123 Posted January 15, 2013 Author Posted January 15, 2013 To be honest with you, in your position, I'd write, thank him for the invitation, but tell him that you see no point. You can't separate the good from the bad, because one seamlessly wove into the other.... so while you see how he might think it's a fun idea to just "laugh about some of the good...." You really don't even want to consider thinking about the bad, because inevitably, they include the dark times too. Thanks, but let's just leave things as they are." Is what I would tell him. And that's all the reason you need to give. Tara, thank you! That is so well said, and it is just how I feel; particularly about the dark times for which he was the author. It is a sad story. I do wish him well, though, on his journey. Additionally, I'm wary of his intentions. The fact that he knows my grandmother is on her last legs (and I will inherit), makes me wonder if doesn't want to get into my good books somehow, in case he needs another loan.
TaraMaiden Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 Ahaaaaah...... Follow your gut. I think, if you know him this well, and feel this is a possibility, you'd be very well advised to absolutely steer clear of this... "Kind of you to ask, but I personally would feel it best to leave things as they are. We both have all the memories we need without needing to meld them and discuss events of the past. Be well, have a nice life." And ignore further attempts to 'connect'. if you suspect he may have an ulterior motive, then keep him distant.
Author ja123 Posted January 15, 2013 Author Posted January 15, 2013 Thanks again, Tara, I appreciate it! The only other two reasons I could think of his wanting to meet me would be perhaps 1) to relieve his guilt, 2) as a voyeur to my life (he knew I'd fallen on tough times with the mess he left, and he's perhaps curious, not only that I'm still alive, but that I was able to rebuild myself without familial support.) Cr*p just writing this brings it back, but I must say that I'm very proud of myself to have survived.
FitChick Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 If it turns out he wants money, you could twist the knife by saying. "How much do you need? I'll get back to you." Then donate that amount to your favorite charity.
Author ja123 Posted January 15, 2013 Author Posted January 15, 2013 (edited) He has a guilty conscience? Funny, I was just writing about his guilt in my above post, when you posted at the same time. Yes, I think somewhere he must feel terribly guilty, but he's not the type to admit it; otherwise, he would have apologized long before now. (He's the type to project, and blame.) I also think that he's probably had some growing up to do, swallow some reality pills, then realized he'd lost a treasure. Our relationship was never meant to be what it was. It is a very sad story. Edited January 15, 2013 by ja123
Author ja123 Posted January 15, 2013 Author Posted January 15, 2013 If it turns out he wants money, you could twist the knife by saying. "How much do you need? I'll get back to you." Then donate that amount to your favorite charity. HAHAAAAAAAA I love it! Get him at his own game - sadist that he is.
Author ja123 Posted January 15, 2013 Author Posted January 15, 2013 Based on your short description and eliminating the terrible things (which you are certainly aluding to), I wouldn't. The emailing once a year is alright maybe, you don't have true contact with something like that. Life goes on, things change for the better and worse, we move on, mostly because we have no choice but to do so. I would wonder why he would want to see you after all this time? Did he say? Yes, I'm not going to meet him for coffee. I'll never say I'll never see him again, if his mother fell seriously ill or died, then I would visit; but, that's based on my feeling for her. The only reason he gave to meeting was to have a coffee and perhaps have a laugh over some of the good and bad times. He specifically mentioned not talking about the dark times, (when in fact they were insidious to everything!)
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