arrowfoot Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Basically, my bf of 1.5 years broke up with me 2 weeks ago at the most difficult time of my life (last semester before going away to a University as a transfer student) among other things I won't go into detail about. Anywho, when we first met it was really magical; I was away on summer vacation with friends and we locked eyes across the bar. He was there by his lonesome (I love love the strong silent type) and I asked him name and such. He was a bit shy but so am I so we really got along. From the moment we exchanged numbers my friends dubbed me the "Professional Texter" because he and I would text constantly these romantic, infatuated messages. He was so charming, but not in an insincere way. He had a kind and gentle nature that I admired however alarms went off when he told me that he'd only been in one relationship (he was 22) and slept with 2 girls. I was worried that his feelings weren't genuine but rather a naive idealism and that one day--like any red-blooded male--would want to explore being with many other women and leave me. I had just left that "wild" faze in my life and was really looking to settle down and have children soon. So when he said that if he never met a woman he loved, he'd adopt a child to have a family of his own, I was hooked. Soon I left my worries aside as he was so endearing and perfect (for me) it seemed. But, after the very sudden and puzzling break up we just had, I've begun to wonder if my intuition was correct. Maybe he thought he loved me and so became who he thought I WANTED him to be. So, we got into our usual arguments, if one can even call it that, where I'd get upset and want to have an open discussion about it to work it out...while he shut down. Completley silent, dead eyes. One thing I've learned about all relationships, romantic or otherwise, is that communication is so so important so whenever we had an issue I would calmly try and resolve it so it wouldn't build up causing resentment later. But he would just sit there like a chastised child! Even when I was the one who had felt hurt! Any attempt to display any passionate emotion (besides sex, romance, etc.) he would detach from reality. Obviously this was extremely frustrating for me as I value communication, but I tried my best to always be patient with him since it was his invalidating relationship with his father (I met him and he's completely self-absorbed and oblivious) that caused it. So you can no understand my surprise when he broke up with me for telling him, in an angry way yes--it's frustrating talking to a wall--that we needed to take a break. He later describe it, tellingly, as if I was "punishing a child [him" WTF no, I have needs and when my best friend/lover/future father of my children can't even say one word, all of that frustration boiled into this incident. When I left for class from my house, he asked for his stuff from my car. I did NOT think he'd break up with me; I thought we'd talk it out...HA. Anywho, he began texting me during class: "we have a LDR, our whole relationship is a break! we might as well break up" yada yada. I started to panic but I thought he wasn't serious. I mean we had just had the most magical Christmas with his family, and I thought we'd work it out because we were in it for the long haul, right? WRONG. His reasoning: You don't appreciate me, I've been ignoring little things you do for a year now and once you said we should take a break, that was the breaking point for me. I want to be alone and become more independent (he lived at home and couldn't find a job). So when he kept firm on his decision to break up after hours of texting, I drove to his house (2 hours away mind you) at 1am to show him how much I do appreciate him and didn't want to lose him. Anyways, he never communicated so I had no idea that he even felt this way!! How could I begin to give him the love he wants if he doesn't ask for it. His response: Yeah, I need to work on my inability to communicate, that's why I need to be alone. But if my woman really loved me, I wouldn't have to ask to be appreciated more. *FACE PALM* I'm wasn't a psychic and still am not, unfortunately, or then I'd give him everything he wanted. But I loved him so I put aside my excuses and asked him what exactly I did to make him feel unloved and "disrespected". He answered that I had been late to pick him up from the airport multiple times--ok I'm late to EVERYTHING and he knew this so wtf--and that "the spark was gone". When I told him how I wish he told me this earlier but I'd be more than happy to show him how much I love and respect him, he had already made up his mind. For the last two weeks I've been begging and pleading for him to reconsider but ever since I arrived at his house that night he became cold distant, and treating me like a complete stranger. However when I spent the night we had amazing sex and cuddled but then the next morning he'd say very hurtful things like "its stressful having you here right now". -__- I;m sorry that me taking you out to dinner, getting dolled up for you (spent 150 bucks getting my hair done and such!) and basically kissing your behind is so stressful. But I loved him so much and I couldn't give up our dream of living in house we built together on a farm with our children running about, so I sucked it up and thought okay I guess he needs more convincing that I'm willing to fulfill him and change. We went out to get drinks and walk around the city that night and when we were in the car everything felt like old times again. We were laughing and holding hands...but when i reached out to stroke his legs and other parts *wink* while he was driving, he just looked forward stone-faced and said "I'd rather you not do that." I felt confused but even more so, like a fool. I decided to leave the next morning...but we had sex one last time before. (i know, i know) He hasn't contacted me since I've returned unless I initiate it. I tried no contact but I just couldn't resist after two days and caved in. I guess I thought that the reason we broke up was so...mendable. I thought the spark would come back if he saw how much I'd sacrifice for him, but he hasn't budged. When I asked him what he truly wanted he said: I want to be alone. I decided to go NC after a messy, humiliating conversation last night. I'm just so angry at him and now I just think he's full of ****. I still love him dearly though so when he texted me (twice) this morning asking how I was feeling, it was difficult to ignore, but I think I've done all I can do now. He said wants to be friends (that's original) but makes no effort to and I told him I couldn't possibly be his friend because it felt like I was settling for crumbs when I used to have the whole cake! Okay Love Shack(ers), here's my dilemma: do you believe his reason for breaking up with me is legit? Or that he found someone else where he lives to replace me because he now wants to sow his wild oats and never really wanted a relationship? OR maybe he had been wanting to break up and then used this excuse to "let me down easy"? One last thing: Last night we were texting all night about all his feelings and such, and it hurt so bad seeing him reply "I'm sorry. I don't know what to say. I don't love you anymore." to all of my pathetic pleas of "I love you! we can work things out, i swear!!". He went on to say that the woman he is meant to be with wouldn't need an ultimatum to treat him the way he'd like: she'd just know. He also said when we were discussing specific situations that he disliked, that my clarifications were making him think differently but not to get any "false hope".
Quest4_TheLost Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 He told you the spark is gone. The other things in my opinion are just stupid. People that love eachother don't break up because up being late to pick them up or little arguments. These things all happen in relationships. So I would take him at his word (the spark is gone).. This happens a lot of with people. If he really loved you he would want to work on that. Sparks come and go in relationships things get a bit boring but the couple love eachother enough to stay together and "WORK" on it. As for some women just knowing what this guy wants, gl with that. He dosen't seem to understand that having a relationship is work and that part of a relationship never ends. LDR is a very hard road most of them don't work out unless you guys decide to close the gap. Even then there are no gurantees. Yes, he could very likley have met someone new. To be honest its best not to speculate because in reality it dosen't matter. What does is he said its over and he clearly means it. You really don't need more of a reason then the fact he isn't interested anymore. He slept with you, but just because he did dosen't mean the spark and intrest in having a relationship with you is there. He saw a chance to get his rocks off with someone he is comfortable with and took it. Don't sleep with him anymore. I don't really advocate NC unless its for a good reason. If he is hurtful to you, playing mind games, stringing you along etc. Or if its just somthing you truly need to heal. It definetly makes it easier to move on.
stevie_23 Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 [FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT] I agree with this. This guy, not that I know him of course, but he sounds like he’s a bit spoilt, has a bit of a fantasy-type of head in terms of what he expects from relationships. Like you’d have to be utterly perfect for him to consider it a “real” relationship worth him being in. And this is simply not how it works in the real world. You mention he was hurt by his father’s behaviour and manner towards him? Yeah, he may feel that the way he was treated by him, he can never put up with any sort of ill treatment, or less than perfect treatment, from anyone ever again in his life. And I find that since an intimate partnership relationship is the most vulnerable and emotionally close type of interaction anyone can have with another person, this is where any deep seated issues will tend to come out and express themselves. It also seems as if, if this relationship were to continue, it would be more give (on your side) than take, and mostly take on his side. He would need you to give everything so he can feel happy and loved, and he may not even notice that he’s not giving back, and may not even be able to do so. It may be that you are more useful to him in terms of how you made him feel, as opposed to how much he loved YOU. He may not be capable of anything else at this point in his life. He may feel he doesn’t love you anymore because in his mind, you can’t be enough for what he needs to be happy and feel appreciated, loved and respected in a relationship. The thing I think he also knows though, subconsciously, is that NOBODY will be able to satisfy these needs in him until he works out his issues.
noble Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 One thing you mentioned in your post is your desire to talk things out, and that your boyfriend would stone-wall you. So, I was wondering, would you try to make him talk things out when they were happening? Or a few hours/days afterwards? When a guy is angry, he doesn't want to talk. most men need a little bit of time after a fight to process how they feel and what they think, and sometimes trying to force them to talk will just make them very angry and resentful. you said you felt he was selfish, because you "need" to communicate and he didn't want to. However, maybe you were being a little selfish by trying to FORCE him to talk about something that he didn't want to talk about? I just know that I tend to do this with my boyfriend, and it only ever makes fights much worse. If i back off and give him time to cool down, then he actually hears me and is a good communicator. I've found that communicating effectively during an argument is really difficult, and it is best to just give both you and your partner time to calm down before discussing it. Maybe you forcing him to talk put him into a corner, and then you saying the break thing when he was already angry just made him more mad. It is possible that he's just really angry. It seems unlikely that his feelings just evaporated for you overnight. I don't think calling and texting and begging is going to get him back though. Most people want to be with/are attracted to people who have self respect. You are demonstrating a complete lack of self respect. Your best bet at getting him back would be to stop trying to convince him, stop contacting him, and wait for him to come around. If he doesn't, then it wasn't meant to be.
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