Is it okay to love someone and not be "in love" with them?

[Xelha]

This keeps happening to me. I loved my ex-bf, but I was never "in love" with him, and every day it ate away at me because a part of me knew that I would never love him the way he loved me. I began to feel... detached, which led me to develop feelings for someone else, and so I decided to end things.

 

Now I find myself with someone else(not the person I began to develop feelings for before), and it's the same situation. I can tell he is in love with me, and I do love him, and yet I feel somehow empty inside. In the beginning I thought I'd fall in love with him, but it just never happened, and now I don't know what to do about it.

[DanF]

It's okay if the man is your brother or Dad.

 

But seriously, what are you looking for? Are you trying to mimic a past relationship with a family member or good friend?

[Yellowteacup]

Yes. In fact, I am in the same situation now. I love my husband but do not feel the attraction as I had for him in the beginning. I believe it could return but right now? I do not know.

[Almond_Joy]

OP, have you been in love before? If so, it may be that you just haven't found that type of connection again. Falling and staying in love isn't guaranteed just because you love someone.

 

Also, if you have been in love before and that relationship ended badly, you may be subconsciously establishing an emotional barrier to prevent being that vulnerable and risking the possibility of getting hurt again.

 

Can't recommend what you should do right now, but thinking about these two possibilities may help you formulate a solution or a way to take action from here.

 

Good luck.

 

PS - My perspective is that you can't "plan" to fall in love. If you're planning on it or building up to it, you're establishing a set of parameters in which love can operate in your life. This means you're putting limitations on love. That doesn't work to me. Falling in love, for me, is an all-consuming experience. It happens on its own terms based on your compatibility with a person at a given time. It's not something you have any control over.

 

I guess if you really want to be in love you can tell yourself you're falling in love even if you don't really feel it....but it sounds like you may have tried that already, so you already know that doesn't work.

Edited January 15, 2013 by Almond_Joy

[Xelha]

Yes, I've been in love before. It's happened 2, maybe 3 times in my life, just never with someone that quite wanted the same, I guess. That's the problem, I know what it feels like, and I know that this isn't it. It doesn't even feel close. I feel like there are certain things he says or does that "prevent" me from falling in love. Things that push me away a bit.

 

It's possible that I'm putting up a barrier, yes, I've done that sort of thing with non-relationship areas of my life in order to protect myself. For awhile I thought I'd lost my ability to fall in love with someone after being hurt like I was, but then that last time happened and I realized it isn't true.

 

I guess I'm just worried that if we end up married(I can tell he's kind of eager to propose but I keep trying to get him to delay it), that I'll still feel this same emptiness inside and that things won't change. I'm also worried about what breaking up would do to him... and me(I'm extremely empathetic by nature so even if it's what I want, it kills me).

[newmoon]

just my two cents on how i see this ... you said that once the guy shows a character flaw or fault you start to question things and remove yourself emotionally. since this keeps happening i'd guess that you're the type of person who is easily let down by others after building them up (or the relationship up). it's kind of like putting people up on a pedastal and then feeling emotionally empty when they don't measure up to some ideal you've mentally created. just how i see it. perhaps rework your own definition of love? - you might find that you are overlooking strong compatibility with someone in favor of some romantic fantasy

[Almond_Joy]

Yes, I've been in love before. It's happened 2, maybe 3 times in my life, just never with someone that quite wanted the same, I guess. That's the problem, I know what it feels like, and I know that this isn't it. It doesn't even feel close. I feel like there are certain things he says or does that "prevent" me from falling in love. Things that push me away a bit.

 

It's possible that I'm putting up a barrier, yes, I've done that sort of thing with non-relationship areas of my life in order to protect myself. For awhile I thought I'd lost my ability to fall in love with someone after being hurt like I was, but then that last time happened and I realized it isn't true.

 

I guess I'm just worried that if we end up married(I can tell he's kind of eager to propose but I keep trying to get him to delay it), that I'll still feel this same emptiness inside and that things won't change. I'm also worried about what breaking up would do to him... and me(I'm extremely empathetic by nature so even if it's what I want, it kills me).

 

Well, if there are things that he says that put you off, and you really want to try and keep the relationship going, you should talk to him about those things. The things he says probably put you off because they don't align with your view of things on whatever the subject may be. Talking to him will help you get a better understanding of his perspective, and give him an opportunity to better understand yours. The disconnect will only deepen if you don't say anything.

 

The emptiness you mention is a bit of a red flag to me. Generally I've seen it manifest in one of two ways:

 

a) In one type of emptiness, you don't feel that you can really be vulnerable with anyone. It seems like no one really understands you emotionally and you feel lonely and isolated as a result. I think some people refer to this as emptiness because they have this rich emotional side that's not getting expressed in their intimate relationships, so they're kind of walking around in a shell of themselves, if that makes sense, with this vulnerable emotional side of their personality stowed away and suppressed.

 

b) In the other type of emptiness, the person is happy with the relationships in their lives, intimate or otherwise, BUT their life still feels empty. I've felt this way sometimes, and it's because I have a restless nature. There needs to be something - or several things - in my life that inspire me and motivate me to fulfill my greatest potential in all aspects. I feel empty if I'm not passionate about something or someone.

 

Do either of these explanations sound similar to what you feel? I think that empty feeling is something you need to address.

[Kubda26]

I think this is an interesting query and read.

 

I have never been in love before, so I don't know how it really feels. The last guy who I was seeing/was in a complicated LDR with I think I liked (I had always been unsure from day one), but towards the end I felt quite empty/hollow inside.

 

I didn't know what it meant...I really wanted to feel the spark and to feel excited about us but all I felt was emptiness. I knew it couldn't be love, and I didn't want to acknowledge that maybe I didn't really feel it for him (I didn't know him too well, we met when I was on holidays and I guess the distance made it easy for any initial feelings to fade for both parties).

 

I think as much as I wanted to give it a try (and obviously there were other circumstances involved too which led to us calling things off), my gut was telling me this wasn't love, that this was just me trying to push my heart into feeling something it did not feel.

 

It doesn't stop me from feeling sad that we aren't seeing each other anymore, but I guess it was the right thing to call it off.